Ben: Is that Dane Holdant?
Me: HE IS IN INDIA.
Ben: No I mean in the photo
Ben: with the horse mask
Ben: and the leather jacket and the snow.
Ben: Also wheretf have you been.
Ben: I finished HEARTS IN ATLANTIS 200 weeks ago
Me: JESUS.
Ben: and thereby the first shoebox.
Me: Stop programming computers 24/7
Ben: We have crossed into Midworld.
Ben: Literally.
Me: I need to know this stuff.
Ben: Dude I am always on.
Ben: You're the elusive one.
Me: NO.
Me: You're being digested by your cubicle.
Ben: Yes!!!!
Ben: It's like a slime creature.
Ben: Nom nom nom.
Me: Or a plastic inflatable chair.
Ben: Anyway
Ben: gotta do a fuckin
Ben: book review.
Me: Yeah bitch.
Ben: Once again I don't even know where to start.
Ben: The text is but a dim memory.
Ben: A faded recollection of a bygone era.
Me: This is the culmination of everything we've ever worked toward.
Me: Why else would you keep reading these shit books?
Ben: Hahaha.
Ben: But you love this series!!
Me: I did two years ago.
Ben: I think you've lost sight of our mission statement.
Me: Or to put it in perspective
Ben: Maybe you should reread shoebox 1 and then tell me your impressions.
Me: four episodes of History of Power Rangers ago.
Ben: Did Linkara just die?
Ben: *fingers crossed*
Me: We can ditch this blog and pick up the torch from him.
Ben: We know there's an eager audience out there.
Me: Not sure how much I remember about deconstructing literary themes and motifs.
Ben: We'll interleave updates between this blog and the series.
Ben: That's called cross-promotion.
Me: Fuck fuck science vs. magic fuck fuck fuckery.
Ben: Don't forget to have a strong opinion on trivialities.
Me: DURR WHY THERE ARE RAINBOW SPARKS WHEN THEY GET HIT WITH PLASTIC SWORDS
Ben: Man I hope Linkara doesn't read this blog or it will really hurt his feelings.
Me: LOL MORPHING GRID LOL
Me: Fuck him.
Me: He didn't consider our feelings when he reviewed Power Rangers for 25 hours.
Ben: In our defense we didn't consider our feelings when we watched him review Power Rangers for 25 hours.
Ben: But we are getting away from ourselves.
Me: For a minute there
Me: I lost myself
Me: ~ Thom Oche
Ben: Simmer down.
Ben: Haha what.
Me: Radiohead?
Me: Jesus, Ben, you need to learn your fucking music.
Ben: Stop this.
Ben: We're here to discuss literature.
Ben: Anyway.
Me: Speaking of which, have you seen THE HUNGER GAMES?
Ben: I hear it is like that manga that you showed me and I tried to read it but half the pages were missing.
Ben: Why, have you seen it?
Me: Yes if you are a shut-in who thinks people will be impressed that you've watched an edgy foreign film.
Ben: Is it seeworthy?
Me: REDLETTERMEDIA, creators of the Mr. Plunkett Star Wars/Baby's Day Out reviews, gave it their stamp of approval.
Ben: Haha.
Ben: Oh man is there a new Baby's Day Out review??
Me: NO but late last year they reviewed Indiana Jones 4: Rise of the Kingdom of the Dark Side of the Crystal Moon.
Me: Their latest installment in the ongoing saga.
Me: Speaking of sagas, have you finished torrenting MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC yet?
Ben: I would watch that movie.
Ben: Did you hear that they are rebooting Transformers?
Ben:
Honestly I think I'd rather watch the complete series of My Little Pony
than the complete and uncut collection of Dr. Who episodes featuring
the Master.
Me: I'm not interested unless they get Nelson Shin to direct.
Me: He did it first, he did it best.
Me: Mad respec.
Ben: And Phil Grce to produce.
Ben: I mean wait.
Me: Yeah he could use a hit since BEATING SUSAN was canceled.
Ben: To production set manage.
Ben: ANYWAY HEARTS IN ATLANTIS WAS PRETTY OKAY BUT REALLY WEIRD.
Ben: [end blog post]
Ben: A fitting end to the first half of our journey.
Ben: It is like you and I are both Bilbo Baggins and Rudolph Deschain is Gandalf.
Ben: I honestly cannot rember his name.
Ben: Randall.
Ben: Randall Munroe.
Ben: Roland!
Ben: That's it.
Ben: "Normal is nothing but a word made up by society."
Ben: I wonder if that is just the default template for all word-usage demonstrations.
Me: God gave the gift of English to the Native Americans in the Book of Mormon.
Me: Perhaps you've heard of the Tower of Babel?
Me: It's where the ghosts of all dead Pokemon reside.
Me: Speaking of Pokemon, give me an in-depth critique of each section in Hearts in Atlantis.
Ben: Why yes, urbandictionary, I do want to buy a coffee mug with the word "normal" printed on the side.
Ben: The Tower of Babel is in Utah, I hear.
Ben: No I think you are confusing Salt Lake City with Lavender Town.
Ben: Okay well
Ben: I think after reading this book I am finally jaded.
Ben:
I no longer possess the innocence to even begin to suspect that a
Stephen King book will not prominently feature supernatural bullshit.
Me: There is none in Cujo.
Me: Which is actually a really good book.
Me: You should read that instead.
Ben: Does the dog fall into Roland's world?
Ben: Does it tear Susan apart
Ben: while Roland watches on in horror?
Ben: Anyway
Ben:
coming in, I really expected this to just be a heartfelt story of like
lost youth as seen through the lens of the Vietnam generation.
Ben: Which I guess is sort of what we got?
Ben: But it seems clear that this novel was primarily intended to be a pit stop for the Dark Tower
Ben: and he just sort of kept running with it.
Me: A pit stop in what way?
Ben: I would have felt less lied-to if they had just said somewhere on the cover THIS IS A SIDE STORY TO THE DARK TOWER.
Ben: I feel like Stephen King can't decide whether he wants the Dark Tower to be a superset of all his other works, or vice versa.
Ben: But anyway
Ben: it was sort of a sweet story.
Ben: Not in a bro way.
Ben: In a sentimental way.
Ben: But the real meat of the story was all in the first half of the book, when they're all kids.
Ben: He tries to sort of weave all these other stories together and it doesn't really work.
Ben: I don't really care about the main character in the college section
Ben: who we never hear of again.
Me: But he dated the girl from the first book, maybe.
Me: I don't remember.
Me: They were all connected.
Ben: Nor do I really care about the dude who is homeless for a living even if it was sort of interesting.
Ben: They all have really tangential things tying them together.
Ben:
It seemed like he just had a bunch of ideas for a short story and found
an excuse to tack them onto a Dark Tower storyline that was half a book
too short.
Me: Even Stephen King's omnipresent villain The Walken Dude showed up.
Ben: Don't think that ever happened.
Me: In the last book the girl who became a terrorist says her mentor was Robert Frost or something.
Me: Initials RF
Ben: Oh ha.
Me: which is the trademark of Randall Munroe.
Me: And he taught her the magic of becoming "dim."
Ben: He also taught that to Larry from THE STAND.
Me: Yeah.
Me: And his name was Walter O'Dim.
Me: Waaaaaaayyyyy back in the first book.
Ben: You gotta shine your shine onto their dimness.
Ben: That's how you smoke out the evil.
Ben: Wait seriously.
Me: Yes, when Roland was chasing him across the desert.
Me: The man in black fled across the desert, etc.
Me: He was going by Walter O'Dim.
Me: He has a different name in every book basically.
Ben: Wasn't Walter the name of the dog from LOST?
Ben: Oh my god.
Ben: Connections everywhere.
Me: You fucking racist.
Ben: Oh oops.
Ben: But!
Ben: He had a dog.
Ben: A dog named
Ben: Ana Lucia.
Me: You fucking misogynist.
Ben: Am I warm?
Ben: Getting warmer?
Me: I don't remember the dog's name.
Ben: (It was Vincent.)
Ben: Dude.
Ben: He is the most important character on the show.
Me: The whole show is seen through his eyes.
Ben: The first and last thing you ever see.
Ben: Anyway
Ben:
the historical perspective of the college section was pretty neat but I
didn't really care about the characters or their doings.
Ben:
Also my first clue that this book is just a series of short stories
that King had lying around is that this is the only one of the five
sub-books written in the first person.
Ben: Also let's back up a sec.
Ben: Wtf.
Ben: This man/boy love thing
Ben: is really getting pretty creepy.
Ben: I can't even take a step in here without putting my foot down into some hardcore man/boy affection.
Ben: The pervasiveness of this trope in Stephen's works is really starting to get to me.
Ben: Tell me right now
Ben: do any of the non-Dartower books in shoebox 2 feature man/boy love?
Me: Well the main bad guy in Black House is a pedophile.
Ben: Well that's okay.
Ben: We're talking more a curiously platonic sort that would never ever be tolerated in normal society.
Ben: Even less so than pedophilia.
Me: What non-DT books do you have left?
Ben: No idea, I don't have shoebox 2!!!
Ben: You should be the next big Star Wars EU writer and tell the thrilling tales of Brawbwa Brengle.
Ben: I can't even type that name with a straight face.
Me: RIP, Brabwa.
Ben: "WHAT'S SO FUNNY."
Me:
I went to a presentation and the guy said more Ithorians are named
Brabwa than there are people who believe in gravity, therefore evolution
is a fact.
Ben: I wish I didn't have to believe in gravity.
Me: :-(
Ben: Anywayx100
Ben: this fucking book.
Ben: Um.
Ben: The section with the guy who was a professional secret hobo was bizarre but not altogether uninteresting.
Ben: The next section with the old version of the childhood friend wasn't bad.
Me: Was it just those four sections?
Ben: There was one more.
Ben: Where old married main character from the first subbook meets up with Carol again after like 80 years
Me: And shit fell out of the sky.
Me: What was that about?
Ben: for like an hour, I guess
Ben: and they sort of reminisce and wax nostalgic.
Ben: The shit out of the sky was pretty cool I guess.
Ben: Not a bad way to climax.
Ben: I did like the part where he found the mitt and stuffed his face in it and smelled his childhood and then died.
Ben: And the final subbook was a little bit touching
Ben: even if it's also really fucking sad that their lives have come to nothing.
Me: But they found each other again.
Me: After he beat up that kid with a baseball bat and turned to a life of crime.
Me: And she became a terrorist or something and was horribly burned.
Ben: Except they both have lives so as soon as that song is done playing on the radio they have to give it all up again.
Ben: No thanks to Robert Frost.
Me: Yeah fuck that guy.
Me: Did he finish raising that stone-age civilization into an army yet?
Ben: Anyway
Ben: the ending wasn't terrible.
Ben: It had a semblance of genuine emotion so Stephen King gets a pat on the head.
Ben: Much better than THE STAND.
Me:
But genuine emotion is secondary to our central narrative of a
time-traveling cowboy from an alternate dimension on a quest to save the
universe by shooting robots and monsters in the face.
Me:
So to that end, did you come away with a deeper understanding of the
nature of the Bulldozer King and his army of Men in Yellow Coats?
Me: Because they are like the primary foot soldier for the rest of the series.
Ben: Haha.
Ben: Well I mean
Ben: the yellow coats thing is sort of weird.
Ben: I guess it is to match the color of his bulldozer.
Me: Mike Mulligan's Bulldozer.
Ben: I get it, because yellow is the opposite color of purple.
Ben: It is like a deconstruction of notions of royalty
Ben: and the associated symbolisms.
Ben: I mean I sure hope they explain what is happening with Breakers and shit.
Ben: Also
Ben: where the FUCK is Father Callahan?
Me: He's still on that bus.
Ben: Jesus Christ.
Me: How many stars?
Ben: 6.5/10.
Me: Where does it fit into the Stephen King Quality Ranking?
Ben: Pull up the ranking matrix.
Me: 1) The middle 80% of book 4 and the last third of book 3
2) The first half of book 2
3) Book 1
4) Everything else
Ben: 3.1.
Me: Dammit, Ben!
Ben: What did you expect?
Me: More than this.
Ben: [end blog post]
