I Wish You Would Step Back from That Precipice, My Friend

Precipice

Author: Chris Cassidy

Medium: Short story

Publication date: April 23, 2008 on StarWars.com (republished on Unbound Worlds)

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

 

Do you remember that scene in Attack of the Clones where Obi-Wan is captured by the bug guys and he's floating in that electric thing for some reason and Count Dooku comes in and talks to him for like two minutes? This story is just that scene again, with the same dialogue from the movie and everything. I have no idea what the point of writing it was.

 

There is a new element added where Dooku is mind-raping Obi-Wan while they mindlessly repeat George Lucas's dialogue, psychically rifling through his memories and telepathically reiterating everything he's saying out loud, but it's completely pointless and contributes nothing besides making you wonder why this didn't come up in Obi-Wan's internal monologue in any of the novelized versions of this scene. The writing is kind of uncomfortably suggestive so maybe the author was working through some things with this one, I don't know. I appreciate the little Jedi Apprentice references but Dooku/Obi-Wan slashfic doesn't do it for me. 

 

0.5 out of 5 Death Stars.

The Battle of Geonosis

Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the Novelization

Author: R. A. Salvatore

Medium: Novel

Publication date: April 2002

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

 

I have nothing to say about Attack of the Clones that hasn't already been said. So let's briefly talk about the novelization instead.

I had read this book only once before, and that was about two decades ago. It lived in a place of mediocrity in my mind, memorable neither for its quality writing nor lack thereof. It faithfully told the story of Attack of the Clones, with a few deleted scenes from the screenplay added back in. That's all. Moving on.

 

Reading it again, my earlier assessment wasn't completely unfair. Despite his prolific output of Forgotten Realms novels, I don't find R. A. Salvatore particularly compelling as a writer. He can do the job well enough, and if he gets it done on time so much the better, but hard as it is to believe, there was nothing moving in the Attack of the Clones novelization. Did there need to be? Probably not, but Salvatore also didn't need to annoy me with his little authorial idiosyncrasies like characterization-through-adjectives. "'Look out, Anakin!' the crafty Padmé shouted. 'Thanks, Padmé,' the temperamental Anakin replied. 'Die now!' interjected the incredulous Obi-Wan." I seen enough of that shit.

 

But that was really the extent of my gripes with the book, and it's a tiny stylistic quirk. The novelization, while not especially great in and of itself, is about ten times better than the movie at telling this lousy story that Lucas thought was so important it needed an entire third of the prequel trilogy to tell. The deleted scenes you may remember watching in the special features section of the DVD are present and fully integrated into the narrative, including the scenes with Padmé's family on Naboo that help flesh out the romance between Padmé and Anakin (but still not enough to actually make it believable or compelling).

 

Salvatore introduces a number of original scenes as well, building the relationship between Jango Fett and his regrettable spawn and developing Shmi Skywalker and the Larses as characters we could potentially maybe care somewhat about to some extent. It's really the scenes the novel adds to the film that are its most notable aspect; the scenes it adapts straight from the film don't really feel like they get much depth added to them, but to be fair that's probably because they were already so shallow in the first place. That said, Salvatore is still able to add a little bit of characterization to secondary cast members like Captain Typho, who I don't think is even named in the movie. And Captain Panaka comes back for one scene! I didn't give a shit about that guy in The Phantom Menace but weirdly it brought warm feelings to my heart when he showed up again here.

 

Salvatore's novelization isn't the best thing ever but it's probably the definitive version of Attack of the Clones. For whatever that's worth.

 

3.5/5 Death Stars. 

 

Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the Comic

Writer: Henry Gilroy

Penciler: Jan Duursema

Medium: Comic

Publication date: April – May 2002

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

 

I had never read the Episode II comic adaptation until preparing this review. It seemed pointless. Having now read it, it was.

 

The art is by Jan Duursema, so it's unsurprisingly good, although maybe a little rougher than her usual work. I was more surprised to see that Henry Gilroy handled the script. I thought, whoa, the guy who made Andor? Actually no, apparently that's Tony Gilroy. I haven't seen Andor but I hear it's pretty good, so it makes more sense that it was another guy writing this comic because it blows. I don't blame Henry Gilroy for that, though; he just copied and pasted all the dialogue from the script Lucasfilm sent him.

 

What I do blame him for is the anachronistic text boxes littering these issues, explaining the action and the characters' thought processes instead of letting the art speak for itself. I realize that's more difficult to do when you're adapting a story written for an entirely different medium rather than writing a story that plays to this medium's strengths, but absolutely no one who read this comic would have done so in place of seeing the movie, so if they didn't understand everything that was happening here they wouldn't have been confused for long.

 

The most notable change I noted is that Anakin swears in this version: "Personally I'd very much like to find out who the hell he is and who he's working for..." What an edgelord. This is how you can tell he was destined to fall to the dark side.

 

I also liked that Jan Duursema worked a Quinlan Vos cameo into the Battle of Geonosis. Very cool! Would I read this comic again? No! 

 

Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the Junior Novelization

Author: Patricia C. Wrede

Medium: Junior novel

Publication date: April 2002

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

 

Unless you are a literal child who lacks the level of literacy required to parse the simplistic prose of the Salvatore novelization, there is no reason to ever read this book. Flat, dull, and uncreative, it is a painfully exact retelling of the movie in the least interesting way possible. It does contain a few additional scenes not present in the film, but they appear to be simply stripped-down versions of just some of the extra scenes included in the adult novelization. 

 

There are two notable exceptions, however. One is that Anakin apparently hates the nickname "Annie" (probably because it was blatantly spelled on-screen in The Phantom Menace as "Ani" but every subsequent author spelled it like the little orphan). The other is when Obi-Wan deliberately lies to the Kaminoans about Sifo-Dyas's death.

 

"I'm afraid Master Sifo-Dyas was killed almost ten years ago," Obi-Wan said slowly. More like eleven or twelve years, I think — but I could have the times mixed up. I'll have to check with Master Yoda later.

 

Does this make Episode II's opaque mystery plot any less nonsensical? I sure don't fucking know!

Attack of the Clones, the Mighty Chronicles Novelization

Author: John Whitman

Medium: Picture book

Publication date: April 2002

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

Did we really need another children's novelization of Attack of the Clones? No, but this book is little and fat and chunky, so it's objectively the best one.

 

I thought it was sort of interesting how Jedi librarian Jocasta Nu is repeatedly referred to as a "dame," presumably as the female equivalent of "knight" rather than 1930s slang for a broad. I've never seen that before in a Star Wars book. Probably because the type of knight that "dame" is equivalent to is a modern ceremonial title, and the type that "Jedi Knight" refers to is the one who runs around whacking people with a sword.

 

Galaxy of Fear author John Whitman's writing doesn't bring much to the table for this adaptation other than to abridge the story even further, which may be all the recommendation one needs. However, it did make me insensibly angry that he misspelled timbre as "timber" so caveat emptor. 

 

 

Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the Video Game

Developer: David A. Palmer Productions

Medium: Video game

Publication date: May 2002

Timeline placement: 22 BBY

Unlike the Episode I and III games, Attack of the Clones for the Game Boy Advance contributes no original lore or story content to the movie it's based on, unless you take it as canon that Obi-Wan had to platform through an army of droids and collect three keys before fighting Jango Fett on Kamino. I'm not sure how to explain the lack of effort on this one, save to surmise that since the movie already looked so much like a video game, Lucasfilm didn't think it was worth shelling out for a more involved adaptation. Just compare the droid factory conveyor belt sequence in both. Completely indistinguishable.

 

The game gets basic information wrong, claiming that Mace Windu only brought 100 Jedi to Geonosis rather than 200, and you get to massacre Tusken Raiders as Anakin, but not during the actual canonical Tusken massacre, which seems like a cheat. Even worse, the final boss fight against Count Dooku is a scripted failure. You can't even beat this game!

That's not to say that this action side-scroller is a bad game or no fun to play, but I wouldn't know. The Good Lord allots each of us only so much time on the GBA, and I spent mine organizing my PC boxes in Pokémon Ruby.

David A. Palmer's video game isn't the best thing ever but it's probably the definitive version of Attack of the Clones. For whatever that's worth.

Third Time's the Kesh

Lost Tribe of the Sith: Pantheon

Author: John Jackson Miller

Medium: Ebook novella

Publication Date: July 18, 2011 on StarWars.com

Timeline Placement: 3,000 BBY

Series: Lost Tribe of the Sith

 

Welcome back to Kesh, where Sith society has been fragmenting and slowly collapsing over the last millennium due to the broken line of succession caused by the disappearance of Grand Lord Lillia Venn Diagram in the previous Lost Tribe story.

 

Varner Hilts, Sith Caretaker of the holocron of Yaru Korsin, lives in the city of Tahv, where he and his overworked, underpaid employee, Jay, manage a retinue of Keshiri bookkeepers. Every 25 years, the Sith celebrate Testament Day, when they all gather in Tahv to hear the holocron play a recording of Korsin's last will and testament. That day is fast approaching, but this year the elderly Hilts's preparations are interrupted by the Sisters of Seelah, a Sith splinter faction entirely composed of hot women. John Jackson Miller again demonstrates why he is one of the most beloved authors of the Expanded Universe.

 

The Sisters' leader, 24-year-old Iliana Merko, attempts to seduce Hilts into altering the recording to have Korsin pronounce the devotees of his wife, Seelah, the true inheritors of his legacy. Not only is this plan improbable, it's also impossible, as no one on the planet of Kesh understands anything about advanced space technology. When Hilts fails to respond to her charms, Iliana starts PMSing and threatens to murder meek mathematician Jay. He's saved when a bunch of other Sith factions burst in, wondering what the Sisters are scheming.

 

Hoping to prevent bloodshed because at age 60 he's getting too old for this Sith, Hilts tries to ease tensions by playing the recording early, because maybe that will do something. The other Sith don't go for this, however, because the actual holiday isn't for another eight days, and the Sith are known for nothing if not their festive spirit. By a shocking coincidence, however, Jay had recently calculated that, over the past 2,000 years, Keshiri time had drifted from the Sith calendar by exactly eight days. I think that's the most pointless filler I've ever seen forced into a story for convenience's sake.

 

So they play the recording, which accomplishes nothing, but then for no reason Hilts starts playing with the holocron and it plays a never-before-seen recording of Naga Sadow sending Yaru Korsin and the Omen on their mission. The Sith experience a civilization-wide existential crisis as they realize that the divine birthright their entire society is based on is a lie. There's nothing special about them. Not only are there other races in the universe besides humans and Keshiri, but all the Sith on Kesh are descended from slaves, and the Keshiri no longer have a reason to revere them.

 

As the entire continent of Keshtah is engulfed in internecine conflict, Hilts hides out at Jay's house. Also for no reason, he starts thinking about Korsin's recording, which he has watched countless times before, and suddenly figures out that there is a secret message hidden in his words. He and Jay head for the mountain temple that still houses the crashed remains of the Omen, where they will reopen the ancient ship at last, and hopefully find a way to save their planet.

 

There are a few funny moments here and there but this is mostly a miss for me. I'm sorry, John Jackson Miller, I'm so sorry, but I just don't care about the Lost Tribe of the Sith. I did like Purgatory and Sentinel a fair bit, but those were the two stories in the series that felt like they had the least to do with the central ongoing narrative of the history of Kesh. These stories were basically written as promotional tie-ins to the Fate of the Jedi series. I haven't read those books and I don't want to, but if I had maybe I would give more of a shit. But as it is, I just don't find this subject matter and this format interesting at all.

 

3 out of 5 Death Stars. 

 

Varner Hilts and Jay plot their next move.

Lost Tribe of the Sith: Secrets

Author: John Jackson Miller

Medium: Ebook novella

Publication Date: March 5, 2012

Timeline Placement: 3,000 BBY

Series: Lost Tribe of the Sith

 

Secrets opens with Varner Hilts and Jay awkwardly reenacting Sam and Frodo's ascent of Mount Doom, only with more homoerotic tension. The sausage party is soon interrupted, however, when they encounter Iliana Merko crying over the 2,000-year-old bones of Seelah Korsin. With Sithilization on Kesh currently in bloody existential crisis, Iliana has lost all authority and control over her Sisters of Seelah cult. Seeing that she has nothing left to live for after dedicating her life to idolizing a dead woman, Hilts offers Iliana the chance for a new future. She smashes Seelah's skull against the wall and joins the party.

 

The three adventurers make their way to the abandoned temple built around the crashed Omen like a mausoleum. Exploring the ship's interior, they are befuddled by its complex space technology. In his message in the holocron, Korsin had said that "the true power is behind the throne." Taking this to mean Korsin's La-Z-Boy, Hilts cuts open the back of the chair and feels around inside, but all he finds is a letter from Korsin's mommy.

 

Suddenly, more Sith arrive, drawn by the urge either to destroy the Omen as a symbolic gesture or to kill Iliana for being a bitch. Hilts, Jay, and Iliana comically duck down underneath the ship's windows, which renders them completely invisible to the new arrivals but leaves them able to overhear their entire plan, which is to squash the ship by knocking over a tower on top of it. While the Sith file for their demolition permits, Hilts realizes that the room they found Korsin's chair in isn't actually the room he kept it in; someone moved it after his death in order to extend the length of this plot. They go to the room where Korsin actually sat in his chair but don't find anything there either, except a map of the continent of Keshtah on one wall and a bunch of blank panels on the others.

 

The Sith burst into the room and immediately kill Jay. Hilts, generally a pretty pragmatic and laid-back dude, is furious at the senseless murder of his best friend, but he gets over it real quick. Ignoring the fat old guy cradling the dead alien, the Sith gang up on Iliana, but Hilts suddenly has an epiphany and uses the Force to pull down all the panels on the walls, revealing a map of the giant continent on the other side of the planet that no Sith or Keshiri knew existed. The Omen's instruments recorded it as it crashed, and Yaru Korsin secretly transcribed the data, including the locations of Keshtah Major's many populous cities. He knew that the Sith would eventually stagnate and turn against one another without an external enemy to conquer, so he kept the existence of the other continent a secret for future generations to discover. 

 

The Sith present at the Omen realize that this new information will reunite their scattered people and restore their dominance over the Keshiri. They currently lack the technology to cross the vast oceans between Keshtah Minor and Major, but this is another goal they have to work toward. They unanimously elect Varner Hilts as Grand Lord, the new ruler of the Lost Tribe. As his first official act as Grand Lord, the 60-year-old Hilts decrees that he and Iliana are to be married. That's my man right there.

 

Dirty old man he may be, but Hilts's decree is a multilayered masterstroke. It saves Iliana from the Sith mob who hates her guts, and it saves Hilts from Iliana by taking her to power with him. It isn't until after their wedding ceremony that she realizes the final layer of his trap: according to Sith tradition, the woman of the reigning Grand Lord is executed upon his death. Now their fates are bound together, and she has to spend the rest of her life protecting his.

 

This ending is hilarious because of how bizarrely cruel it is. Hilts screws over this poor girl in every way imaginable, and in the meantime Jay's killer is standing right there and Hilts makes no effort to find out who it is or get any kind of justice for his friend. He just completely forgets about him when he sees the opportunity to bag a 24-year-old hottie. Treachery is the way of the Sith.

 

3.5 out of 5 Death Stars or whatever, who cares. 

 

RIP Jay

  

Lost Tribe of the Sith: Pandemonium

Author: John Jackson Miller

Medium: Novella

Publication Date: July 2012 in Lost Tribe of the Sith: The Collected Stories

Timeline Placement: 2,975 BBY

Series: Lost Tribe of the Sith

 

Under the leadership of Grand Lord Varner Hilts, the Sith spend the next 25 years developing airship technology. Their first exploratory force approaches the shore of Keshtah Major, known to the Keshiri who live there as Alanciar, just in time to interrupt a soap opera plot about a Keshiri woman named Quarra Thayn cheating on her husband with Keshiri Fabio. Little do the Sith realize, however, that Adari Vaal actually made it all the way to Alanciar after escaping Keshtah Minor two thousand years ago, way back in Savior. The Alanciari Keshiri have spent the intervening millennia preparing for the inevitable Sith invasion.

 

Defense towers along the coast open fire on the Sith zeppelins and they all go up like the Hindenburg. Only a handful of Sith survive, including the mission's commander, High Lord Edell Vrai. In true daytime TV fashion, the Sith coincidentally wash ashore right where Quarra is fleeing her illicit affair and immediately take her hostage.

 

Vrai decides that Quarra will lead him inland to reconnoiter Alanciar's defenses so the main body of the Sith invasion will not be caught unaware like he was. If she refuses, they will kill Fabio, who is currently lying unconscious on the beach after a dead uvak fell out of the sky and crushed him to death.

 

Vrai and Quarra set out together, the Sith Lord's human appearance explained by pretending that he is a Keshiri performer in full makeup to celebrate Observance Day, a commemoration of the Keshiri's sworn duty to resist the Sith. As they travel the countryside, Vrai is awed by the Alanciari's level of technology and martial spirit compared to the simpleton Keshiri from his homeland. Quarra explains that for the last two millennia their entire civilization has developed toward the singular goal of defeating the unseen boogeymen from across the sea. 

 

Seems a bit of a stretch, to be honest. 

 

As they travel together, each comes to understand the other, developing feelings of mutual respect... if not something more. I find it endlessly amusing how the Keshiri women in these stories are so disdainful of their families and domestic lives.

 

But all of Edell Vrai's carefully laid plans are ruined when the main Sith airship fleet arrives prematurely, spurred on by the ambitious High Lord Korsin Bentado, who plans to conquer Alanciar himself and rule his own independent Sith tribe. Bentado's forces capture the Alanciari capital of Sus'mintri and execute all of the government officials, proving that the Sith aren't all bad. 

 

Bentado is about to kill our "heroes" (?) when he's betrayed by his hunchback assistant, Squab, who was secretly working for Varner Hilts the whole time and stabs Bentado through the heart. "But," Bentado says, "it was so artistically done."

 

Hilts arrives in Alanciar by airship and scrambles the best spin team he has, casting Bentado and his invasion fleet as the evil Destructors of Keshiri myth and the rest of the Lost Tribe as the Keshiri's Skyborn Protectors. The people of Alanciar swallow this without question and welcome their new Sith overlords.

 

Edell Vrai is appointed governor of the new continent. His first official act in office is to ask Quarra to go steady with him, but disappointingly she turns him down and goes back to her boring family, the only Keshiri in Alanciar who understands the true nature of the Sith.

 

Pandemonium is by far the longest novella in the Lost Tribe of the Sith anthology, but honestly it should have been the entire book. The Sith conquest of Alanciar should have been a full-length novel, with the relevant portions of the Yaru Korsin backstory conveyed through flashbacks or discoveries made by other characters during the book. I have to think that this would have immeasurably improved these stories, which I found difficult to get invested in because they were split up across thousands of years and completely changed the central cast multiple times.

 

Or your could just leave those earlier novellas the way they are and just expand Pandemonium. That way we wouldn't have to lose the Jeff-and-Ori stories. It was an unexpected treat when they showed up in Pandemonium via Force dream for no reason. I must have missed it in Purgatory but Miller describes her here as yet another character with auburn hair (even though her only official illustration depicts her as a brunette). That's at least three redheaded hot chicks he's introduced in this series alone. Doing the Lord's work, JJM.

 

But anyway, I guess that never could have happened because Del Rey only commissioned these stories as promotional tie-ins to the Fate of the Jedi series. Miller did the best with what he had, as he always does. In an ideal EU world, though, there was a better way for this story to be told. 

 

I really enjoyed the dynamic between Edell Vrai and Quarra Thayn in Pandemonium, but it feels like we didn't get enough of it. I would have read 300 pages of these characters traveling together through hostile countryside, learning more about each other and their respective cultures as they develop from enemies to unwilling allies to who knows what. It's a testament to John Jackson Miller's writing ability and commitment to this premise that he was able to sketch out these characters so well in the limited pages he had. When the story's over, they feel like characters you expect to see again. Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

 

Looks like an ammonite, sounds like an Ed Sheeran song.

The Pirates and the Prince

The Revenge of Kylo Ren

Writer: Peter Sauder

Medium: Television

Air Date: October 26, 1985 

Timeline Placement: 15 BBY

 

It's the night of the peace talks between Mon Julpa, rightful king of Tammuz-an, and the renegade barbarian warlord Malameu Toda. Toda distrusts Julpa for reasons that we're never told, but the droids' bungled delivery of a giant cake that ends up smashed over C-3PO's head helps to lighten the mood. While Julpa makes time with Toda's daughter, Princess Gerin, Jann Tosh and R2-D2 do some work on Jann's R-22 Spearhead, but Threepio accidentally seals the cockpit, locking them inside. He goes to look for Jessica Meade to help get it open and happens across Jyn Obah, first mate of the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren, freeing his boss from Mon Julpa's dungeon, where he was imprisoned off-screen at the end of the last episode.

 

The escaping pirates happen across Julpa and Gerin taking a moonlight stroll. While Jann watches impotently from the cockpit of his Spearhead, the pirates blast Julpa with a mini-stunner, but the princess handily disarms them, kicks Jyn Obah's ass, and holds Kylo Ren at stunner-point. Woke!

 

For no reason at all, Threepio then bungles in and attacks Kylo Ren, perhaps attempting to use the fabled martial art of gravik-nez once again. His incompetence allows Kylo to take back the stunner, which he uses to knock out Princess Gerin. Jann escapes from his starfighter by pushing on the canopy slightly harder than he had been before, but he too is stunned and drops like a sack of steak knives. 

 

Kylo grabs Gerin and jumps into the open cockpit of a different Spearhead, because Jann's is just too iconic for him to steal. Jess chooses this moment to come running out of the palace, but because she's relieved not to be the damsel in distress this time she just stands around and does nothing. 

 

Lord Toda demands C-3PO's execution, but Jann says no and then he forgets about it. Kylo Ren sends them a ransom Skype call demanding the return of his ship and the release of his crew. This includes Jyn Obah, who was left behind to take his boss's place in Julpa's dungeon. Determined to make up for his earlier blunders, Threepio goes to see him and desperately begs him to reveal where Kylo has taken the princess to spare himself the horrors of the palace torture droid (R2-D2 with all his appendages sticking out). Terrified, Jyn Obah reveals that Kylo has a hideout on one of the moons of Bogden. But not the same moon of Bogden where Darth Tyranus hired Jango Fett to become the template for the clone army. A different moon of Bogden. The "bog moon of Bogden," to be precise.

 

Jann, Jessica, and the droids stage a commando mission to rescue the princess. They infiltrate the pirate hideout, where Threepio says that Artoo's sensors detect two human lifeforms, one on an upper floor and one on a lower floor. This is peculiar, because neither Gerin nor Kylo Ren is human. Jann and Threepio investigate one reading, while Jess and Artoo head for the other. The latter two discover Kylo's command room, but they are unable to reach him because he's protected by a force field. Sentient vines tie up Jess and hang her upside down from the ceiling while Kylo makes his getaway.

 

Meanwhile, Gerin has escaped from her cell but is surrounded by a pack of ravenous SungWons. Threepio lures the beasts away, allowing Jann to get to Gerin. They find the golden droid dismembered but undigested, and together they head back to the hangar. There they meet Jess and Artoo, who saved the day with his little cutting arm, but they are soon surrounded by Kylo Ren and his pirate crew, who Lord Toda has set free in an attempt to save his daughter. 

 

But Toda and Julpa were working together all along. A secret compartment opens in the pirate vessel, and Tammuz-anian troops rush out to apprehend the pirates. Kylo Ren makes a run for it but trips over C-3PO's broken metal body. He is taken back into custody along with his crew, spelling the end of the illustrious career of the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren and the Pirates of Tarnoonga.

 

Our heroes all return to Tammuz-an, where Julpa and Toda finally sign the peace treaty so Julpa can bang Toda's daughter. Jess abruptly announces that she's exiting the show, leaving Jann distraught over never making it to first base. Toda's son, Coby, asks Threepio how the droids managed to apprehend the most dangerous pirate gang in the galaxy, and C-3PO explains that he got by with a little help from his friends.

 

Tune in again next time, where this story arc drags on for another episode even though everything has already been resolved. 

 

Las Aventuras de R2-D2 y C-3PO

MyComyc #4: Sabotaged Droid

Writer: Uncredited (translated by Abel G. Peña)

Penciler: Beaumont Studios

Medium: Comic

Publication date: 1986

Timeline placement: 15 BBY

 

Meanwhile, in another universe, Jann Tosh and the droids travel to a communication satellite belonging to the planet Roon. The droids don't go to Roon until the series' third story arc, after they've left Jann's service. I guess technically they could have been there before, but the planet is treated like a big mystery later in the cartoon so that would be weird. In this comic, they technically don't land on the actual planet, so there's that at least. Or maybe it's a different planet called Roon. Or maybe it doesn't matter because this is clearly non-canon.

 

Anyway, Jann is here to visit his old friend, Professor Smith. Unfortunately, they've arrived just as the professor's droid, XR, has been taken over by the evil General Koong. Curiouser and curiouser, the cartoon's Roon arc features a villain called Governor Koong, but that character is a human being and this one is a green alien. That might be enough to call them different characters who coincidentally have the same name, but Jann is also drawn completely differently; in this comic he looks more like the Mad Max version of Carrot Top.

 

R2-D2 fires a blaster, which he apparently now has built in to his chassis, into some kind of reflective surface mounted on the wall. Is it a mirror? Perhaps the viewscreen that Governor Koong was calling on in the previous panel? Who knows, the point is that Artoo's blaster bolt bounces back and shoots off XR's head. Note that the panel depicts XR standing approximately one foot away from Artoo, so he could have just turned his head 90 degrees and shot XR directly, thus saving the trouble of calculating the ricochet.

 

"Your blasters deserve a hurrah, R2-D2!" says C-3PO. 

 

"General Koong will be getting a big surprise..." agrees Jann. "Ha, ha, ha!" 

 

Ha, ha, ha indeed.

 

MyComyc #5: Troublesome Outing

Writer: Uncredited (translated by Abel G. Peña)

Penciler: Beaumont Studios

Medium: Comic

Publication date: 1986

Timeline placement: 15 BBY

 

This comic begins with the droids enjoying a peaceful outing while Jann goes shopping. Suddenly, C-3PO falls through a hidden trapdoor in the ground and finds himself in the laboratory of Professor Broom, a sadistic kleptomaniac who steals droids and conducts experiments on them until they're scrap. 

 

"Look at them! They're inactive because I deactivated their memory diskettes! You'll end up the same! Ha, ha!"

 

Suddenly, Jann and Artoo burst in, coming to the rescue! But Professor Broom has the drop on them and is about to shoot them with his blaster. "You forgot about me... and I am active!" says C-3PO. He cracks the professor over the back of the head with a metal pipe, presumably killing him.

 

FIN  

 

Droids: Rescue in the Mine 

Author: Unknown 

Illustrator: Unknown 

Medium: Picture book

Publication date: 1986

Timeline placement: 15 BBY 

 

Jann Tosh and the droids, along with Jessica Meade, have returned to Tyne's Horky to visit Uncle Gundy. While Threepio prepares a classy banquet, there is another cave-in at Uncle Gundy's mine. Artoo manages to save Gundy and several of his miners but Jann and the rest are still trapped inside. "Bip-pi-pi-ta-scrof-ta," says Artoo. That sounds just like him.

 

Jessica and the droids dig through the rubble and are able to free Jann and the miners. They make a break for the exit and just manage to escape before the whole place comes down around their ears. "Well, now we'll have to start rebuilding the mine," Uncle Gundy complains. Yeah, I hope you build it a little more OSHA-compliant this time, asshole. 

 

No, not that Osha.

Droids: Holiday in Tammuz-An

Author: Unknown 

Illustrator: Unknown 

Medium: Picture book

Publication date: 1986

Timeline placement: 15 BBY 

 

We now begin our transition back to the tale of The Pirates and the Prince. Jann and the droids are on their way back to Tammuz-an, this time with Uncle Gundy accompanying them for a vacation. I guess after his mine collapsed he figured this was a good time for a little R&R. Unfortunately, they arrive to find that all is not well on Tammuz-an. The Dread Pirate Kylo Ren has returned with his flagship, the Dianoga, and has been menacing Mon Julpa's world in an attempt to steal its reserves of Nergon, "the most dangerous element in the universe." I think this ambiguously official children's book is the only source for Nergon (presumably Nergon-14, the element Kleb Zellock was mining for the Empire on Tyne's Horky a few episodes earlier) apparently being abundant on Tammuz-an, but I guess this can explain why Kylo Ren is intent on harassing the Tammuz-anians in the next episode of the cartoon, maybe?

 

Jann and Mon Julpa devise a plan to drive off the pirates for the rest of this book so Uncle Gundy can enjoy his vacation in peace. While Jann and the droids distract the Dianoga, Mon Julpa's space fleet sneaks up on it from behind and shoots lasers at it until the pirates retreat. "The intergalactic police won't let him go so soon," C-3PO declares. "Kylo Ren won't be bothering us again!" Oh, Threepio, if you only knew how wrong you are! 

 

Needless to say, all of these aventuras españolas are muy sin sentido. However, they are also very short and very harmless. I wouldn't spend a second trying to track them down, but if you already have them in front of you, you could do as lot worse as far as Star Wars Expanded Universe stories go. You could be reading something by Troy Denning. 😬

Who Disrupts My Coronation?

The New King

Writer: Peter Sauder

Medium: Television

Air Date: October 12, 1985 

Timeline Placement: 15 BBY

 

The tale of deposed monarch Mon Julpa's quest to retake the throne of Tammuz-an continues. Jann Tosh and the droids accompany their friend back to his homeworld aboard a transport ship piloted by Jessica Meade, a badass tramp freighter captain who, as the female lead of these episodes, suffers the unfortunate fate of being repeatedly kidnapped and gooned over by various ne'er-do-wells throughout this arc.

 

Jessica Meade (left), alias "Old Iron Pants" because of her fat ass.

Jessica's ship comes under fire by space pirates, led by the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren. They get away in an escape pod as the Corsalys is destroyed, but the infamous droid bounty hunter IG-88 arrives, having been hired to capture Julpa, and chases the pirates away. They're introduced as such an insignificant threat, it's hard to believe they're the primary villains of this arc.

 

More exciting is the appearance of IG-88, making his chronologically earliest appearance in the EU outside of his era-spanning short story "Therefore I Am: The Tale of IG-88." As with Boba Fett's appearance in the previous episode, this helps us narrow down the date for that story. IG-88, as you know, is a rogue assassin droid-turned-bounty hunter designed and constructed by the Imperial scientists at Holowan Laboratories. Immediately after his consciousness came online, IG-88 murdered his creators and escaped, later appearing as a background extra in The Empire Strikes Back and as the scariest video game boss ever in Shadows of the Empire. Despite "Therefore I Am" receiving a full entry in Pablo Hidalgo's The Essential Reader's Companion, a Star Wars guidebook written to definitively place every Expanded Universe story in exact chronological sequence, it didn't do that, so we still have no idea when the Holowan massacre takes place. Thanks to this episode of Droids, though, we know it must have been before 15 BBY. Who cares!

 

Jessica was wounded in the battle so our heroes drop her off at a local Tammuz-an hospital, where she gets kidnapped off-screen. Threepio just explains this later in expository dialogue. Meanwhile, Zatec-Cha, the treacherous grand vizier who deposed Mon Julpa and erased his memories, sends his henchman Vinga to spy on the Best Friends Gang. Jann and the droids chase after him, leaving Mon Julpa behind to be immediately captured by IG-88.

 

IG-88 brings Mon Julpa before Zatec-Cha and hands over the all-important royal scepter, the magical artifact whose presentation to the Keeper of the Temple at the first sun of the equinox is the sole determinant of the Tammuz-an throne. Zatec-Cha has Jessica locked in an energy cage and taunts her with his dastardly plan to make her watch him feed Mon Julpa to a monster. Some classic Star Wars stuff.

 

Having nothing better to do, Jann and the droids infiltrate the palace to rescue their friends. They trigger a cartoon booby trap that breaks the laws of physics and end up accidentally wandering through a backdoor into the monster pit, where Mon Julpa is trying to evade the claws of the dreaded durkii.

 

Get real.

Above the pit, Zatec-Cha and Vinga watch the show with Jessica, who is rendered helpless by two guards holding her by the Standard Female Grab Area. "I would like to stay and watch, but I am well aware of the outcome!" Zatec-Cha cackles. Why does anyone even bother having a grand vizier anymore? Has there ever been one who wasn't evil?

 

Anyway the bad guys leave for the coronation, dragging Jessica along with them because they need a chick for the after-party. It looks like our heroes are doomed to digestion, but Artoo extends his arc welder appendage and starts zapping the blue scales on the monster's tail, causing them to fall off. It turns out that they aren't scales, but kleex! Aka space ticks. His itch alleviated, the durkii immediately becomes docile. Artoo wants to keep him as a pet, but Threepio says absolutely not.

 

The gang races to the palace hangar, where Zatec-Cha is trying to force Jessica into a skiff. Realizing he can get all the bitches he wants when he's king, he lets her go and books it for the temple, scepter in hand. A short episode of Wacky Races ensues, culminating with everyone arriving at the temple, where Jessica knocks the scepter from Zatec-Cha's hands and it is caught by who the vizier believes to be his henchman, Vinga. But "Vinga" tosses the scepter to Mon Julpa, who presents it to the Keeper of the Temple and reclaims his throne. Vinga disrobes, revealing himself to be C-3PO standing on R2-D2's dome, while the real Vinga runs around in his underwear with a vase stuck on his head.

 

The episode is basically over at this point but what the hell is this? When did the droids have time to steal Vinga's clothes, and why would they bother? More importantly, why couldn't Zatec-Cha tell that this eight-foot-tall imposter wearing a bag over its head wasn't his minion? This ruse didn't even have any effect on Threepio returning the scepter to Julpa so it was completely pointless anyway.

 

As Zatec-Cha is taken away to prison, he swears vengeance, promising that his spies will finish Mon Julpa for good. Later, at the coronation party, a couple of guys get caught by the palace guards. As a kid I always thought that these were the spies Zatec-Cha was talking about, but actually they were just randos stealing silverware or something. Zatec-Cha's threats are never realized and he vanishes from the Star Wars saga forever. 

 

No great loss.

Burn My Bread

8/03/25

Me: I can’t believe they made you a character in this game, “otaku exchange student from France.”

 

 

Paul: Damn they must think the French are gayer than even we do!

Paul: He has the gayest face.

Me: He’s the president, founder, and sole member of the school sewing club.

Paul: That's kind of cool.

8/10/25

Me:

 

Me: The best game ever made?

 

Me: Possibly.

Paul: Well anyways, we delivered the bomb.

Me: Frfr tho it’s way better than P5. I mean 5 was good but eh.

Me: Took me two years to finish 5 because some parts were such a slog. Almost done with 3 after two weeks.

Me: Very similar feel to playing 4 again except the P4 characters were like the Best Friends Gang and the P3 characters all hate each other and themselves.

Paul: Really you beat 3 that fast??

Paul: I heard it was very long and a pain.

Paul: I would totally have expected 5 to be the swift streamlined one.

Me: 3 has the procedurally generated dungeons that you can just run through without looting chests or fighting enemies unless you need to grind, 5 has huge multi-area dungeons that the devs crafted by hand so you’re forced to explore the entire thing and solve terrible puzzles to complete it.

8/12/25

Me: Very serious part of the game now. I just died laughing at this scene transition.

 

Paul: It's the small things, like caring for plants, that draw us back from the edge.

8/20/25

Me: Pretty cool how Persona 3 ended up just being Neon Genesis Evangelion, including both the inscrutable lore that you could only learn by doing an optional collection quest in the PS2 spinoff game and the eleventh-hour yaoi plot.

Me:

 

 

Me: 2meirl4meirl

Paul: I mean, I certainly can't have anything intelligent to say about this video game becausze I have not played P3 yet. It's with my PS2 in Colorado.

Paul: In completing the Japanese high school game about prep school kids committing suicide, you have effectively out-weeabooed me.

Paul: You who were so proud to only consume AMERICAN nerd slop! How the mighty have fallen. Now you are a faithful samurai.

Paul: Man it looks cool though. I don't ever want to play the Shin Megami Tensei series because they are too much, but Persona is cool. I low-key want to play P1 and P2 but good luck getting your hands on a translated copy...

Me: They should remake those next but maybe there’s not enough money to be made in turn-based fantasy JRPGs that don’t involve banging high school girls. :(

Paul: Yeah there needed to be more fucking.

Me: Max out Hitler’s Social Link to unlock the achievement “Fuck the Fuhrer.”

Take Your Time

6/21/23

 

Me: 

 

Me: its tiem

Me: bitch

Paul: Ooh are you playing P5?

Paul: Warning: it becomes retarded halfway through.

Paul: Well it's Japanese so.... Obviously.

Me: Main character’s backstory is he’s a social pariah for preventing a rape so starting off regarded as well.

Me: HIGHLY regarded by those in the video gaming community that is!

Paul: 3 felt very dry.

Me: Yeah I gave up.

Me: Maybe the remake will be better.

Paul: 5 has more verve and heart.

Paul: And it sounds and looks incredible.

Paul: I adore the battle theme.

Paul: Unfortunately idk they got too ambitious with the plot? And the characters are lame compared to 4 IMO.

Me: Lame but so far also the same. The funnie best friend character, famous professional model with pigtails, talking animal sidekick from the Shadow Realm, gruff-voiced surrogate father figure.

Paul: Idk I don't find any of the girls interesting, except maybe the older women.

Paul: This is really the litmus test of a good Japanese game.

Paul: Supposedly 2 is lots of fun.

Me: Very problematic to make a game where you can fuck your teacher tbh.

Me: Someone needs to report Japan to the ACLU.

Me: Can’t wait for the gay panic comic relief.

 

7/4/23

 

Paul: Bug eyes for bug men.

Paul: How is Persona 5?

Me: I was stuck in the first dungeon for a while because they’re stupidly huge and unlike P4 you apparently can’t return to them to hunt for collectibles after you beat them. Not too much fun but almost immediately after finishing it it picked up again. When I have more time to play I’m excited to get back into it.

Me: About to go expose the statutory rapist gym teacher to the whole school!

Paul: Spoilers he kills himself in prison.

Me: What's worse than being raped? Probably being raped on top of a bed of hot coals.

Me: One thing I was confused by though is the talking cat is named Morgana, code named Mona in the Shadow World, and clearly voiced by a woman. I assumed it was a female character until several hours into the game someone called it “he.” I guess because he simps for the hot girl and the Japanese were afraid to have a lesbian talking anthropomorphic cat?

Paul: Idk man it's probably just a woman doing a cute animal's voice.

Paul: Ash from Pokémon's voice actress was a woman, it happens.

Me: Most of the Rugrats too.

Me: Morgana and Mona are feminine names afaik but maybe the Japanese didn’t know.

Paul: You're not wrong there.

Me: The whole gym teacher plot was kind of comical, they make it out to be this huge abuse scandal like Jerry Sandusky raping kids in the shower room but apparently he was actually just physically beating his students and like throwing dodgeballs at them?? It was never really sexual abuse, he’s just physically beating up the volleyball team lmao.

Me: But then he’s also coercing underage girls into sex at the same time.

Me: Why not that just stick with that?

Paul: The Japanese don't know when to stop.
 

Paul:

 

Paul: They're not subtle like us.

 

8/1/23

 

Me: 

Me: Me going to confession.

Paul: The Japanese are a deeply religious race.

Me: They witnessed firsthand the power of the spear of Longpenis.

Paul: Is that in the Bible?

Me: That reminds me there’s a great scene in Oppenheimer where he’s delivering his congratulations speech to his cheering team after the first bomb and he says “We don’t know yet what exactly the bomb did, but I bet the Japanese didn’t like it!” and then all the ambient sound cuts out and you just hear a woman screaming.

 

8/19/24

 

Me: What did Atlust mean by this

 

Me: Why did they do this to me twice

Paul: Hahaha wow never noticed this.

Paul: Somebody on the writing team has a hard-on for police femmes.

Paul: Umm are you playing both at once?

Paul: Are you playing P4?

Paul: WHO IS BEST GIRL

Paul: (it's Chie)

Paul: Hold on, I seem top remember you already played that one.

Paul: Yeah like a year ago or two.

Me: I played P4 last yearrrrr.

Me: Yeah.

Paul: You went with Chie?

Me: Almost, then I went with Rise instead.

Me: Literally dodged a bullet.

Me: I’m certain I made that same joke last year.

Paul: You playing P5 now?

Me: Yes!

Me: It’s good!

Me: (But not as good.)

Paul: Very stylish but not as good a plot apparently.

Me: Not as good a plot, also miss the setting and atmosphere.

Me: Character dynamics aren’t as good either.

Me: At least the talking cat is less annoying than the talking bear though.

Paul: Teddy ruled.

Paul: He was the token gaijin.

Me: He should have stayed in the costume. 

 

6/16/25

 

Me: 

Me: Localization or cultural appropriation?

Paul: P5 created Trump.

Paul: Are you playing this one?

Me: I've been playing it for so long.

 

6/18/25

 

Me: I finally beat who has been the main antagonist for the first 100+ hours and looked up about how much time is left from that point. People say about another 40 hours.

 

Paul: But music good

 

Me: P4 had a great soundtrack, I’ll be honest 5’s hasn’t blown me away

 

Me: 

 

 

Paul: I'm going to 🍇 Ann

 

Paul: and get her anime pregnant. 

 

7/12/25

 

Me: 

 

  

Me: Most persona fans are pedos anyway. 

 

Paul: Anime is horny.

 

Paul: It's not pedophilia if a woman does it, and doubly not so if a hot anime does it.

 

Paul: get ur fax strate

 

Me: I was super pumped to fuck my anime teacher but they really hedged their bets by making you do all her social links with her annoying maid persona.

 

Me: She had to work at a maid cafe to pay her rent because she was being extorted by the parents of a former student who she inspired so hard that they died in a car crash or something (??) 

 

Paul: Those bastards ripped off Dead Poets Society. 

 

Paul: Yeah I feel like I would've anime-dated either the teacher or the evil nurse, but TBF I don't know any of the other girls... Foreign girl, and autistic screen girl? Not too interesting

 

Me: Which one is foreign girl?

 

Paul: Anne Takamalaki 

 

Me: I liked autistic screen girl as a character but you would have to be some kind of sex criminal to want to date her.

 

Paul:

 

 

Paul: Yeah the maid thing was definitely overdoing it.

 

Paul: Even ANIME is more decadent and less exxciting than it used to be.

 

Paul: Who were the other gurlz?

 

Paul: The wife bought me a Switch, so I could get P5...but I liked P4 so much and it was so retro, idk I kind of don't want to play any of the others.

 

Paul: Oh wow are there THIS many??

 

Paul: https://www.pushsquare.com/guides/persona-5-royal-romance-options-all-girlfriends-and-where-to-find-them

 

Me: Yeah I think that’s all of them 

 

Paul: This is where they send people like us: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russky_Island 

 

Paul: Rusky Island.

 

Me: Home of the Ruskies

 

Paul: lit just Russian Island in Russian 

 

Paul: I love it 

 

Me: Haru is boring and lame. Chihuahua is like a fake psychic college-aged girl who you can help to stop scamming people by pretending to be psychic or something. Hifumi is a chess player. Ohya is a trashy drunk reporter. 

 

Me: Kasumi is cool but not romanceable until post-game

 

Paul: Ohya seemed fun but I still ike the nurse or teacher more 

 

Paul: lol

 

Me: Makoto is P5 best girl 

 

Paul: I'll look her up. 

 

Paul: "As a result of her dad's advice, whenever she plays Shogi, she verbalizes her actions in a lively and animated roleplay of being ruler of a mythical kingdom."  

 

Paul: hahahahaha fuck them all 

 

Me: She just plays board games in a church because she’s depressed about her mom micro-managing her shogi career

 

Paul: #relatable 

 

Paul: Happened to #metoo 

 

Me: They just announced that they are remaking 4 as “Persona 4 Revival.” I don’t think I’ll play it though, I liked the old voice actors too much.

 

Paul: dude did you do P4? yeah I think I remember you did!!! 

 

Paul: "Despite appearing prim and proper on the surface, Makoto is actually more of a tomboy: she's trained in aikido, enjoys violent action movies, never wears skirts other than her school uniform (which she wears leggings under) and seems to care little about fashion other than the headband she wears in her hair." 

 

Paul: it's angry chie 

 

Paul: I like it 

 

Paul: I was a Chiebro in P4 

 

Paul: Makoto's thief outfit looks great

 

Paul:

 

 

Paul: I always thought that looked like a dick 

 

Paul: I knew it couldn't be but I couldn't think of what else it might be??  

 

Me: Dick armor.

 

Paul: you DID play P4 though? 

 

Me: Yes! 

 

Me: I am a devoted congregant of the Church of Rise. 

 

Paul: Oh really? You did Rise...a lot of people I wouldn't expect to do her, do Rise. 

 

Me: Oh I did her all right.  

 

Me: 

 

7/26/25

 

Me: Okay final statistics: I finished P4 in 65 hours over one month and P5 in 137 hours over two years.

 

Me: I’ll let you know how P3 is when I complete it on my deathbed.

 

Paul: I will never play P5 I think...too gay.