* This is the kiss of death for your novel.
* My first thought is if your book opens with “Booktok Praise” my expectations immediately plummet.
* Cute little map on the first page so you know this is a Real Fantasy Novel and not just a porno.
* “The following text has been faithfully transcribed from Navarrian into the modern language by Jesinia Neilwart, Curator of the Scribe Quadrant at Basgiath War College.”
* I’m out.
* “Maybe that’s why the sunrise is especially beautiful this morning—because I know it might be my last.”
* Did Bella Swan write this?
* Why is there so much lore?
* Stop telling me about the Gryphon Wars of Whatever, when does she fuck the dragon?
* “You’re barely thrice the weight of the pack, the parapet is roughly eighteen inches wide, two hundred feet aboveground.”
* This is how people talk.
* “You know very well the natural pigment seems to gradually abandon it no matter the length.”
* I love when protagonists in fiction have unusual eye/hair color.
* How else would I know they’re the main character?
* Why is this just Divergent?
* The author had to slip in that the narrator has “only” been with two guys so you know she’s not a virgin. This is an essential trait for the reader to know.
* “panic fists my heart”
* I’m out.
* “Maybe that’s why the sunrise is especially beautiful this morning—because I know it might be my last.”
* Did Bella Swan write this?
* Why is there so much lore?
* Stop telling me about the Gryphon Wars of Whatever, when does she fuck the dragon?
* “You’re barely thrice the weight of the pack, the parapet is roughly eighteen inches wide, two hundred feet aboveground.”
* This is how people talk.
* “You know very well the natural pigment seems to gradually abandon it no matter the length.”
* I love when protagonists in fiction have unusual eye/hair color.
* How else would I know they’re the main character?
* Why is this just Divergent?
* The author had to slip in that the narrator has “only” been with two guys so you know she’s not a virgin. This is an essential trait for the reader to know.
* “panic fists my heart”
* “His father was the Great Betrayer.”
* I can’t.
* Dylan is going to die.
* “He has to be more than four inches over six feet tall.”
* What weird phrasing.
* RIP Dylan.
* “Jack Barlowe. Remember the name. I’m going to be a wingleader one day.”
* This character is going to be humbled and become part of the protagonist’s entourage.
* Main character verbally reciting lore directly to the reader for no reason.
* I would be embarrassed to turn this in as a freshman creative writing assignment.
* Why does everyone have brown eyes and why is it important?
* “Dain Eatos” aka Jacob Black.
* Very uncomfortable with how she’s non-stop word-fucking this guy who is supposed to be her friend.
* These characters emote with their faces more than most cartoons.
* “One of the riders with half shaved half pink hair” aka lesbian.
* “huge semitranslucent wings”
* What does semitranslucent mean? Translucent is already semitransparent.
* The dynamic with Dane is so off-putting. The narrator says they’ve been best friends since childhood, but everything she says to him is sexually provocative and he just fusses over her like a mother hen. Has the author never had a friend before?
* “I can power ink pens instead of using quills.”
* Lamest superpower of all time?
* “Fire wielding, ice wielding, and water wielding”
* Author is so desperate for this book to be taken seriously as a Real Fantasy Novel but doesn’t know the terms pyrokinesis, cryokinesis, and hydrokinesis.
* “I can read a person’s memories by touching them.”
* That’s called psychometry.
* I can’t.
* Dylan is going to die.
* “He has to be more than four inches over six feet tall.”
* What weird phrasing.
* RIP Dylan.
* “Jack Barlowe. Remember the name. I’m going to be a wingleader one day.”
* This character is going to be humbled and become part of the protagonist’s entourage.
* Main character verbally reciting lore directly to the reader for no reason.
* I would be embarrassed to turn this in as a freshman creative writing assignment.
* Why does everyone have brown eyes and why is it important?
* “Dain Eatos” aka Jacob Black.
* Very uncomfortable with how she’s non-stop word-fucking this guy who is supposed to be her friend.
* These characters emote with their faces more than most cartoons.
* “One of the riders with half shaved half pink hair” aka lesbian.
* “huge semitranslucent wings”
* What does semitranslucent mean? Translucent is already semitransparent.
* The dynamic with Dane is so off-putting. The narrator says they’ve been best friends since childhood, but everything she says to him is sexually provocative and he just fusses over her like a mother hen. Has the author never had a friend before?
* “I can power ink pens instead of using quills.”
* Lamest superpower of all time?
* “Fire wielding, ice wielding, and water wielding”
* Author is so desperate for this book to be taken seriously as a Real Fantasy Novel but doesn’t know the terms pyrokinesis, cryokinesis, and hydrokinesis.
* “I can read a person’s memories by touching them.”
* That’s called psychometry.
* The nonstop lore-dropping is so ridiculous. Know your audience.
* No one cares about that worldbuilding crap, they just want to see Bella Swan fuck a dragon.
* “Run, Violet, run!”
* “Run, Violet, run!”
Next chapter: FIVE HOURS LATER…
* Something spooky happens at the end of a Goosebumps chapter then it’s just a cat.
* Why does everyone keep saying Xaden Riorson wants to kill her? How would they know? Maybe he didn’t even like his dad.
* This book wishes it was Attack on Titan.
* Rhiannon two-for-one diversity special, black + gay.
* When is the trans character introduced in this medieval fantasy?
* “Seeing Dane is the best part of my day.”
* Why?
* Why does Dane keep touching her face all the time? He needs to stop.
* “Resurrection is impossible!” So someone is going to be resurrected.
* Something spooky happens at the end of a Goosebumps chapter then it’s just a cat.
* Why does everyone keep saying Xaden Riorson wants to kill her? How would they know? Maybe he didn’t even like his dad.
* This book wishes it was Attack on Titan.
* Rhiannon two-for-one diversity special, black + gay.
* When is the trans character introduced in this medieval fantasy?
* “Seeing Dane is the best part of my day.”
* Why?
* Why does Dane keep touching her face all the time? He needs to stop.
* “Resurrection is impossible!” So someone is going to be resurrected.
* I
laughed out loud at Rebecca Yarros saying they/them ten times in one
paragraph so everyone would notice she made Nobody Background Character
non-binary.
* The dragons killed Richard Pryor.
* The dragons killed Richard Pryor.
* Her brother actually died and came back by Magic right?
* Whoever had the black dragon got incinerated using magic to resurrect him.
* Toothless.
* They said that he died trying to use magic to resurrect him, which is said to be impossible, but since I was already spoiled that he’s actually alive, clearly the magic actually worked and people just didn’t know.
* [There’s a strong hint the rider was gay.] How edgy for 1995.
* Is this even supposed to be Earth?
* They have Wednesdays and Octobers but made-up countries and fantasy creatures.
* Riddick is gay too? Is everyone gay?
* Liam Whatever says he went “to the bathroom,” by which I assumes he went to take a piss and not bathe. Why would they be called bathrooms in this pre-industrial fantasy setting?
* Whoever had the black dragon got incinerated using magic to resurrect him.
* Toothless.
* They said that he died trying to use magic to resurrect him, which is said to be impossible, but since I was already spoiled that he’s actually alive, clearly the magic actually worked and people just didn’t know.
* [There’s a strong hint the rider was gay.] How edgy for 1995.
* Is this even supposed to be Earth?
* They have Wednesdays and Octobers but made-up countries and fantasy creatures.
* Riddick is gay too? Is everyone gay?
* Liam Whatever says he went “to the bathroom,” by which I assumes he went to take a piss and not bathe. Why would they be called bathrooms in this pre-industrial fantasy setting?
* When is it revealed that Violent’s mom secretly loves her and just mistreats her for her own protection or whatever the dumb twist will be?
* Stupid Rebecca Yarros gave the game away in like the third epigraph. Did she think people just weren’t going to read them?
* I promise that the only reason this is “War College” and not “War High School” is because the author didn’t want to get in trouble for writing pornography with underage teens. Besides the constant profanity and sexuality these could just be the 16/17/18-year-olds in any regular fantasy YA romance novel.
* Love to end chapter in a cliffhanger then start next chapter with something completely different and never resolve cliffhanger.
Xaden stepped out of the shadows. TO BE CONTINUED…
Next chapter:
Three days later, something completely unrelated.
* Goosebumps, best selling children’s books of all time.
* Is Dane mind-raping her all the time without her knowing?
* All I know about Iron Flame is Xander turns to a vermin.
