Ben: Two-thirds
of the way through SONG OF SUSANNAH and I really don’t know if I can
bring myself to read King’s self-insert autofanfiction when the time
comes.
Ben: Has this man no shame?
Ben: I’m actually otherwise enjoying the book, but damn if this isn’t the most cringeworthy plot device I’ve ever heard of.
Me: How do you know it's coming?
Ben: Clue #1: I am at the part where they turn into Stephen King’s driveway.
Ben: Clue #2: the blurb on the back cover literally gives this away.
Ben: I had to read the plot summary for WOLVES OF THE CALLA on Wikipedia because I remembered precisely zero of what happened in it.
Ben: And also subsequently the plot summaries of HEARTS IN ATLANTIS and a few other books.
Ben: Should I re-read the septology before I get to the last book?
Me: Did you ever give your final thoughts on DARHOUSE?
Ben: My
review THE TALISMAN: dipshit wannabe hero’s journey featuring a heaping
helping of child torture and King’s signature pedophilic undertones and
magical black men.
Ben: The
titular macguffin is inscrutable and underwhelming and suffused with
pseudo-spiritual hocus pocus all leading to an unsatisfying conclusion
(again, all King staples).
Ben: My
review of DARHOUSE: a dumb excuse to make a sequel to a book that
demanded none, but the framing narrative is neat and the characters are
mostly well-written and there is some legitimate suspense.
Ben: Still
suffers from the trademark unsatisfying King ending which avoids
explaining anything in lieu of hand-wavey mystical bullshit, but at
least the journey was fun.
Ben: Twice as long as it needed to be, but still one sixth as long as THE STAND.
Ben: Also
suffers from the fact that it suggests you should read not only the
first book, but the entire DARTOWER metaseries to enjoy the full story.
Ben: Which, as we continue to prove, is an exercise in masochism.
Ben: I don’t want to read Stephen King writing his own dialogue.
Ben: This is so stupid.
Ben: “Eddie
saw with no real surprise that Stephen King looked like Roland.” ~
Stephen King on how every character in all of his books is just Stephen
King
Ben: If I had wanted to be witness to a dude furiously masturbating, I could have just gone on the internet.
Me: Just think, you have spent six years building to this moment.
Ben: =[]
Ben: Progress here is slow-going as I can’t help but bury my face in exasperation with every second line of dialogue.
Me: Where is Father Callahan?
Ben: Sucked through a door into New York, hasn’t been heard from since the first chapter.
Me: Oh good they didn't do the 9/11 scene yet.
Ben: Hahaha.
Ben: What a beautiful day.
Me: Is that a Remember Me reference?
Ben: Now he’s gloating in-universe about how good the stupid first line of the stupid first book is.
Ben: Yeah, it is.
Ben: I’m going to punch my own dick off if their objective here is to get him to tell them the end of the story.
Ben: And
now my headcanon for Roland is literally just Stephen King’s stupid
squinty portrait from the back of the book, except wearing a cowboy hat.
Ben: Half hoping that Stephen King dies at the end of this book, and that the seventh book is just 600 blank pages.
Me: Bro, this is the true thing that happened to him so he could write this story.
Ben: Part of me believes that he really does believe that.
Me: Stephen King thought he was Gan the creator god but now he knows he's just a mouthpiece through which the stories flow.
Ben: Spooling like a ribbon out of his navel.
Ben: You piece of shit.
Ben: You weren’t kidding about the 9/11 scene.
Ben: “Geez I sure hope this building doesn’t fall down.”
Ben: Highly organic dialogue right there, sai King.
Ben: Oh thank God, he does kill himself at the end of the book.
Ben: I’m finally free.
