Song of a Bitch

Ben: Two-thirds of the way through SONG OF SUSANNAH and I really don’t know if I can bring myself to read King’s self-insert autofanfiction when the time comes.

Ben: Has this man no shame?

Ben: I’m actually otherwise enjoying the book, but damn if this isn’t the most cringeworthy plot device I’ve ever heard of.

Me: How do you know it's coming? 

Ben: Clue #1: I am at the part where they turn into Stephen King’s driveway.

Ben: Clue #2: the blurb on the back cover literally gives this away.

Ben: I had to read the plot summary for WOLVES OF THE CALLA on Wikipedia because I remembered precisely zero of what happened in it.

Ben: And also subsequently the plot summaries of HEARTS IN ATLANTIS and a few other books.

Ben: Should I re-read the septology before I get to the last book?

Me: Did you ever give your final thoughts on DARHOUSE?

Ben: My review THE TALISMAN: dipshit wannabe hero’s journey featuring a heaping helping of child torture and King’s signature pedophilic undertones and magical black men.

Ben: The titular macguffin is inscrutable and underwhelming and suffused with pseudo-spiritual hocus pocus all leading to an unsatisfying conclusion (again, all King staples).

Ben: My review of DARHOUSE: a dumb excuse to make a sequel to a book that demanded none, but the framing narrative is neat and the characters are mostly well-written and there is some legitimate suspense.

Ben: Still suffers from the trademark unsatisfying King ending which avoids explaining anything in lieu of hand-wavey mystical bullshit, but at least the journey was fun.

Ben: Twice as long as it needed to be, but still one sixth as long as THE STAND.

Ben: Also suffers from the fact that it suggests you should read not only the first book, but the entire DARTOWER metaseries to enjoy the full story.

Ben: Which, as we continue to prove, is an exercise in masochism.

Ben: I don’t want to read Stephen King writing his own dialogue.

Ben: This is so stupid.

Ben: “Eddie saw with no real surprise that Stephen King looked like Roland.” ~ Stephen King on how every character in all of his books is just Stephen King

Ben: If I had wanted to be witness to a dude furiously masturbating, I could have just gone on the internet.

Me: Just think, you have spent six years building to this moment.

Ben: =[]

Ben: Progress here is slow-going as I can’t help but bury my face in exasperation with every second line of dialogue.

Me: Where is Father Callahan?

Ben: Sucked through a door into New York, hasn’t been heard from since the first chapter.

Me: Oh good they didn't do the 9/11 scene yet.

Ben: Hahaha.

Ben: What a beautiful day.

Me: Is that a Remember Me reference?

Ben: Now he’s gloating in-universe about how good the stupid first line of the stupid first book is.

Ben: Yeah, it is.

Ben: I’m going to punch my own dick off if their objective here is to get him to tell them the end of the story.

Ben: And now my headcanon for Roland is literally just Stephen King’s stupid squinty portrait from the back of the book, except wearing a cowboy hat.

Ben: Half hoping that Stephen King dies at the end of this book, and that the seventh book is just 600 blank pages.

Me: Bro, this is the true thing that happened to him so he could write this story.

Ben: Part of me believes that he really does believe that.

Me: Stephen King thought he was Gan the creator god but now he knows he's just a mouthpiece through which the stories flow.

Ben: Spooling like a ribbon out of his navel.

Ben: You piece of shit.

Ben: You weren’t kidding about the 9/11 scene.

Ben: “Geez I sure hope this building doesn’t fall down.”

Ben: Highly organic dialogue right there, sai King.

Ben: Oh thank God, he does kill himself at the end of the book.

Ben: I’m finally free.