I first heard about George R.R. Martin on the GameFAQs literature message board

 

* Haven't watched Game of Thrones in two years, now going to marathon the last 17 episodes with HBO free trial

* Apparently I remember nothing that previously happened on Game of Thrones
 

* "Obara and Nymeria murder Trystane while Doran and Areo Hotah are killed by Ellaria and Tyene."

* WHO

* Are we supposed to want Daenerys to be queen? She's so bad at it.

* I feel this happening every time it cuts to the Daenerys storyline

* Who the hell is Urine Greyjoy and why is he suddenly a major villain? Has he ever even been mentioned before?

* Killing Shaggydog is the worst thing that has ever happened on this dumb show #bestwolf2012

* It was clear what was going to happen when Ramsey sent for his stepmom and baby brother after killing his father, but I like how they still felt the need to tack on a 15-minute scene of him feeding them to dogs. Who wrote this schlock?

* Is Stannis the Mantis confirmed for dead or what?

* The White Walkers were invented by tree fairies stabbing some guy in the chest. Is Damon Lindelof writing for this show now?

* Oh I guess now Summer is dead too for no reason. What was even the point of these wolves?

* Could Tommen be any less straight?

* How the fuck did Kiera Knightley's dad from Pirates of the Caribbean get so much power? Didn't he just randomly show up one episode?

* How does everyone know about the Night King? Did they read the script?

* BRING BACK SER POUNCE goddamn

* That horse has a massive erection

* It only took Arya six seasons to do something competent

* What the fuck is even happening

In This Haze of Laziness and Indecision

Ben: Well if you had responded like four days ago we could have seen DARTOWER THE FILM.

Ben: No for real I was visiting last week and brought all your books back.

Ben: But in lieu of your response I have yet to begin the very last SUB-BOOK of DARTOWER SE7EN.

Ben: So that one's coming back with me I suppose.

Ben: Oh also someone ought to tell Stephen King's publisher that for the last sixty pages of the most recent sub-book (THE WHITE LANDS OF EMPATHICA) they accidentally entitled the top of each page with the name of the prior sub-book (IN THIS HAZE OF GREEN AND GOLD), the tremendous hacks.

Ben: Starting on the home stretch while riding the bus home.

Ben: I want to believe that Susannah is gone for good, gone forever on that dumb scooter of hers, but I don't dare get my hopes up.

Ben: Looking forward to the quality dialogue that Roland will be having with Scooby-Doo and the tongueless Rembrandt.

Ben: "His asshole was now a broken squeezebox that could no longer make music but only gasp." <-- ought to have just ended the book right here, on the best line King's ever written.

In the Court of the Bulldozer King

Ben: "Susannah could see tread-marks, like those made by a bulldozer, pressed into the packed snow." BULLDOZER KING CONFIRMED CANON.

Ben: BULLDOZER CANON, CONFIRMED KING.

Ben: Doing a club in Brooklyn, it probably was "boid" and "hoid"; in Pittsburgh it would be "burrd" and "hurrd"; the Giant Eagle supermarket would become "Jaunt Iggle".

Ben: ^ I have never felt more kinship with Stephen King.

It's been a long time since reading it but I vaguely remember IT not having a very satisfying conclusion

Ben: "Stephen King is the only writer who could make a prepubescent gangbang a really beautiful and emotional scene." <-- I just want to remind you that this is something that you said with genuine sincerity after crying at the end of IT.

Me: I feel like that was at least partially insincere though.

Racism

Ben: Shit, you actually weren't lying about INSOMNIA.

Ben: Remind me what happens in that book? Some old dude can't sleep for the first half, which made for an actually decent story, and then in the second half he and his withered girlfriend turn into kids to fight aliens, akin to geriatric Animorphs?

Ben: Hahaha, you weren't lying about the not-canon part either. What was even the point of this exchange?

Ben: I can't believe motherfucking Susannah is still alive.

Ben: I'm preparing a strongly-worded letter to Stephen King to berate him for this oversight.

Ben: I was really, really hoping he would bring the black lady CEO with him and just forget Susannah ever existed.

Ben: Reading a subchapter wherein Stephen King (the character) reflects upon writing the book's previous subchapter and Stephen King (the author) tries to defuse any of his Constant Readers who are mad at him for killing Jake by professing that Stephen King (both of them) had no say in the matter. This isn't HOUSE OF LEAVES, you fuck!

Savages

Ben: I don't want to read this scene where Roland fucks an old lady.

Me: Does this happen in every book or something?

Ben: I don't think this has happened since the fifth book.

Ben: And that lady was only sorta old.