Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Still Yet More SWTOR Shorts

Trading Scars

Author: Samantha Wallschlaeger
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: August 17, 2017 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,629 BBY

Veesh, Nira, and The New Guy are a commando squad of three Umbarans, pale-skinned bald humanoids, protecting a space train on the planet Umbara. Veesh is trying to scare The New Guy with stories about times he’s almost been killed on the job. Nira chimes in with a story about the time her entire team was killed one by one by an alpha slybex. Nira hid inside the space train’s cargo hold for three days until a rescue team found her, discovering that the entire train was covered by claw marks. That was five years ago and Nira says she’s had to sleep with a nightlight ever since. “We all have scars,” she adds, but not all of them are physical! Suddenly they hear a thud on the roof of the space train as you the player jump aboard with Theron Shan and Lana Beniko to begin the mission Flashpoint: Crisis on Umbara. “Your lucky day, kid,” Nira says to The New Guy. “You’re about to earn your first scar.” I don’t know what happens next but I hope you the player kill them all.

This isn’t bad, just kind of pointless, as is typical for these web shorts. Given their nature as blog entries written to promote some aspect of the game, I guess that’s how they’re intended to be. 2/5 Death Stars.

 

Chasing Copero

Author: Charles Boyd
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: November 16, 2017 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,629 BBY

Theron Shan meets with a female spy named Pova, who supplies him with the location of the planet Copero, a world governed by the Chiss Ascendancy. The Chiss are a blue-skinned, red-eyed race of near-humans created by Expanded Universe godfather Timothy Zahn as the species of Grand Admiral Thrawn, perhaps the most famous character from the EU. Like the Mon Calamari and the Dathomir Witches, the Chiss have an awkward history in EU continuity; supposedly a secretive, isolationist race largely unknown to the broader galaxy, they proved so popular that Star Wars authors would frequently use them in situations and time periods where it made little sense to find them. At this point on the timeline, the Chiss are the only galactic power to formally ally with the Sith Empire following their return 50 years earlier.

Theron asks if the Mitth family, into which Grand Admiral Thrawn will be born in a few thousand years, controls Copero, but Pova informs him that they’ve lost power and some other Chiss family is running the planet now. Nothing else happens in this story except we find out that the contact who has fed Pova this information is a Chiss woman with whom Pova is romantically involved. Oh my god, these are the first unambiguously gay characters we’ve met in a Star Wars prose story.

Too bad they’re in an otherwise worthless short story in the daily news blogs section of the website for a dead MMO. 1.5/5 Death Stars.

And just like that, as quickly as we began, we’ve reached the end of The Old Republic and its assorted tie-ins. Not with a bang, but a whimper. Since the MMO is still being updated, if any more story content is added to this last living era of the EU timeline I’ll come back and cover it. For now, though, this is where we leave Theron Shan and his estranged parents, Satele and Jace Malcom, the “light Sith” Lana Beniko, Vitiate/Valkorion the undying Sith Emperor who might actually be dead this time, and the fractured remnants of the Eternal Empire, Galactic Republic, and True Sith. The state of the whole galaxy is an unresolved mess but don’t worry, all the pieces will be back in the box by the time the next Sith Empire comes to power.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Yet More SWTOR Shorts

Betrayed

Medium: Cinematic trailer
Publication Date: October 7, 2016
Timeline Placement: c. 3,630 BBY

The longest, most recent, and best of The Old Republic‘s cinematic trailers is Betrayed, a lead-in to the game’s Knights of the Eternal Throne expansion. Continuing the story begun with Emperor Valkorion’s twin sons, Arcann and Thexan, in Knights of the Fallen Empire, we’re introduced to their mother, Zakuul Knight Senya Tirall, and previously unseen sister, a little girl named Vaylin. While Arcann and Thexan spend their childhood undergoing brutal training regimens for their father’s pleasure, Vaylin remains in their mother’s care. Like her parents and siblings, Vaylin demonstrates a latent aptitude for the Force, seen when she uses it to carve a toy bear from a piece of wood, but Senya forbids her to use her talents for fear of drawing Valkorion’s attention to her power.

Nevertheless, Vaylin longs to be a warrior like her brothers. She practices her Force abilities in secret, and eventually Senya allows her to spar with the Knights of Zakuul. A small girl, she is repeatedly knocked to the ground by these full-grown elite warriors, until finally she can bear no more humiliation and calls on the Force to shatter her opponent’s weapon and crush half a dozen Knights to death inside their suits of golden armor. Senya calls on her to stop, but it’s too late; Valkorion has witnessed his daughter’s power and takes the frightened girl away from her mother to use for his own purposes.

Vaylin is taken to Nathema, where the Sith Emperor enacted the ritual that made him immortal and left the world dead to the Force. There, a group of hooded priests enacts some long, tortuous dark-side rite on her. Sensing Vaylin’s distress through the Force, Senya decides to rescue her daughter in defiance of the Immortal Emperor’s will. She finds Vaylin and carries her to safety, fighting through a cadre of the emperor’s elite Nathema Zealots, but she’s already too late. Vaylin rejects her mother, choosing to remain behind with Valkorion, and Senya is forced to flee.

Years pass. We find Senya at the site of some great battle, examining the massacred corpses of the Knights of Zakuul to figure out what happened. She finds the toy bear her daughter carved as a child lying discarded in the mud, and suddenly Vaylin appears, now a grown woman, her eyes burning with the dark side. She sets the battlefield aflame with a blast of Force lightning, then lunges at her mother. Senya’s lightsaber blade meets Vaylin’s as she gapes with dawning horror at what her daughter has become.

And they lived happily ever after. The end!

This is so awesome. If only they’d made the game itself this good, people might actually play it. Like Satele Shan stopping a lightsaber blade with her bare hands, the way the Force is used in these trailers is so much more cinematic than running fast. At this point the only future Star Wars film I’m interested in seeing is something based on KotOR or TOR, but I just know they’d screw it up somehow. I liked the first three Star Wars movies, but now everything sucks.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this trailer. 5/5 Death Stars, fuck it, this shit is awesome.

 

A Mother's Hope

Author: Drew Karpyshyn
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: November 17, 2016 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,630 BBY

“A Mother’s Hope” picks up where Betrayed left off. We find out that the planet Senya Tirall has come to is Ord Mantell, where 3,000-some years later Han Solo will run into about two dozen bounty hunters on the same number of occasions. Also apparently Arcann, her son with the half-robotic face, is in a coma in the back of her ship. The reason she’s come to Ord Mantell in the first place is to find someone to heal the injuries her son sustained at the hands of you, the player. Once Senya lands on the planet, the story proceeds much as it did in the trailer we just watched, with her discovering that the people she came to meet are all dead and Vaylin attacking her.

Unlike in the trailer, however, Senya and Vaylin have a conversation while they fight each other. “SCORPIO is not the Empress!” Vaylin exposits. “She commands the GEMINI fleet, but they all answer to me. I am the one who sits on the Eternal Throne!” Despite this riveting dialogue, I don’t know who SCORPIO is and I don’t care.

Senya says that she doesn’t believe ruling the Eternal Empire is what Vaylin really wants. Vaylin replies, “You know what I want mother—to kill you!” At this point I started scrolling down to see how much longer this was.

“Mommmmm, you don’t understand meeeeeeeeee!”

Their battle causes a crashed shuttle to explode, which should kill Senya, but Vaylin protects them both with a Force bubble and then flees. Puzzling over her daughter’s motive for saving her, Senya returns to her ship and takes off, determined to find another way to save her son.

There’s nothing to this. 1/5 Death Stars. Recommended only if you enjoy long, drawn-out descriptions of people fighting each other.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

More SWTOR Shorts

One Night in the Dealer's Den

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: February 13, 2015 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,636 BBY

“Theron Shan sat shackled to a jukebox in one of the backrooms of the Dealer’s Den.” Oh boy, here we go.

Jonas Balkar, the Republic intelligence operative from a previous one of these shorts, has invited Theron Shan to go out drinking at a bar called the Dealer’s Den. While Jonas is passed out on the table, Theron is accused of cheating at cards by a Twi’lek woman named Lylos Tannon and hauled into the back room by the bouncer, a Houk named Bolgm. They tell him that they’re going to cut his cybernetic implants out of his face and sell them on the black market. The buyer, a man named Doctor Zeke (Zeke is a doctor, but doctor is spelled out in full every time he’s called Doctor Zeke, so I assume Doctor is his first name as well as his profession), comes in to inspect the merchandise, but Lylos reveals that she works for Coruscant Security and was working with Jonas to bring down this operation. Dr. Doctor Zeke is taken into custody, and Theron, Jonas, and Lylos go out drinking.

This reads a bit more like an actual story than most of these shorts, which have mostly just been slice-of-life vignettes. This one has an actual plot and structure. A pointless plot, sure, but less pointless than so much of the other crap we’ve read.

The most interesting thing about this story was this unremarked-on throwaway line: “Things were moving fast since Revan’s defeat on Yavin 4.” For a minute I was like “wait, what?” then I remembered that these stories have no meaning to anyone who hasn’t played the MMO and its expansions and there was a whole story arc where Revan escaped from the Sith Emperor’s Brain Jail and turned evil again but really he was physically split into like a good Revan and a bad Revan, then he died, and Jesus Christ, KotOR, I’m so sorry for what they’ve done to you. Two of the most popular and beloved Star Wars games of all time, and all the spinoffs and tie-ins go to an MMO no one wanted that undoes everything from those games and prevents them from ever getting a true sequel. Well I guess the sale of Lucasfilm and discontinuation of the Expanded Universe would have done that anyway. RIP, KotOR (2003–2004).

Anyway 2/5 Death Stars, no one cares.

 

Regrets

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: April 3, 2015 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,636 BBY

Jace Malcom and Theron Shan have an awkward father-son dinner together.

For some reason this is like the third part in the “Theron Shan Trilogy,” following The Lost Suns and Annihilation. Jace and Theron talk about when Satele Shan briefed Theron on the Ascendant Spear and he confesses that he’s still not over being abandoned by his mother, because he’s a “feels over reals” type of guy and Satele is like “fuck your feelings.” Jace tells him that Satele cares about him and Theron’s like “If you say so,” then it ends.

1.5/5 Death Stars.

 

Brothers

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: July 28, 2015 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: 3,636 BBY

Thank God, finally something interesting.

This is the beginning of the Knights of the Fallen Empire sub-section of The Old Republic, when the 44-year conflict between the Republic and the Sith Empire is brushed aside by the emergence of a new threat, the Eternal Empire of Zakuul. A common complaint I’ve seen among TOR players is that this is the point where the game jumped the proverbial shark, dumping all that sweet, sweet Jedi-vs.-Sith Star Wars action that had characterized the previous four years of the MMO. Not having played these expansions, I can’t vouch for their execution, and it is a little silly to suddenly have another all-powerful empire emerge from the Unknown Regions and take the galaxy by storm following centuries of building its forces in secret after the Sith Empire started this era doing the same thing, but goddamn at least it’s not the fucking Sith again. I applaud BioWare for doing something different.

Thexan and Arcann are the twin sons of Emperor Valkorion, ruler of the Eternal Empire. Tasked by their father with conquering both the Sith Empire and the Republic, the princes are engaged with the forces of Darth Atroxa on Korriban, homeworld of the Sith and most evil planet in the galaxy. Thexan narrates the story, relating how an injury suffered by his brother cost him an arm and half of his face, replaced with cybernetic prostheses: “In an instant, it was the face of a stranger. And we were no longer twins.”

Thexan retires to his tent and receives a holographic transmission from the “Immortal Emperor Valkorion, Slayer of Izax.” Thexan reports on his brother’s injuries but Valkorion makes it clear that he’s uninterested and cares only about the mission, which Arcann went on only in defiance of their father’s command. Thexan reflects on how his brother’s impatience with their father grows with every interaction and the knowledge that Valkorion is only pushing them to become stronger does nothing to quell his anger, an anger that Thexan doesn’t share.

Valkorion terminates the call and Thexan goes to visit his brother. “A man can have anything, if he’s willing to sacrifice,” Arcann says, ironically imitating their father’s favorite lesson. Thexan remembers how he and his twin once practically shared a single mind, able to communicate and strategize without speaking, but Arcann’s hatred of their father has poisoned him and Thexan feels his brother slipping away. Thexan pledges to fight for his twin, telling him “Your dreams are mine.” They clasp hands, and for a moment Thexan hopes that maybe they haven’t yet lost each other after all.

Really short, a bit simplistic, but compared to the disposable tie-in crap we’ve been reading, this is a revelation. I really like that line at the beginning, “we were no longer twins.” A weirdly understated and nuanced turn of phrase for this type of writing; Arcann’s face has been spoiled by war, so he’s no longer his brother’s twin in physical appearance, but it’s also reflective of a deeper change inside him, a change in attitude that is the real source of the crack in Thexan’s mirror. I like that. 3.5/5 Death Stars.

[Continuity Note: Btw Valkorion is actually the reincarnated spirit of Vitiate, aka Tenebrae, aka the Sith Emperor. Surprise!]

I HAVE SO MANY NAMES

 

Sacrifice


Medium: Cinematic trailer
Publication Date: June 15, 2015
Timeline Placement: 3,636 BBY

“A man can have anything,” Valkorion piously intones, as Prince Arcann, yellow lightsaber ignited, flies toward his back, “if he’s willing to sacrifice.” We flash back to the birth of Arcann and Thexan. Valkorion turns away from them in the cradle, setting the tone for their lives of rejection and hardship as their father mercilessly pushes them to achieve their true potential. No matter their victories and accomplishments, nothing they do is good enough for him; the only love they know comes from one another.

We see their campaign against Darth Atroxa, a red-skinned Twi’lek woman with Darth Maul tattoos, on Korriban, homeworld of the Sith and most evil planet in the galaxy. She finally falls to Arcann’s blade, more than half his face now a robotic mask covering the wound he received in the previous story. The twin princes board a ship to return to their father, leaving the Valley of the Dark Lords to crumble into ruins behind them.

They kneel before Valkorion and each presents him with two lightsabers wrapped in the sigil of either the Galactic Republic or the Sith Empire. I realize this is visual shorthand to convey in one and a half seconds the idea that they’ve defeated both groups, but I’m curious what the significance is in-universe. Whose lightsabers are those, and is there any special meaning to those particular emblems or did Arcann and Thexan realize at the last minute that they didn’t have any wrapping paper?

Valkorion is probably wondering the same thing, because once again he turns his back on them without saying a word. This failure to acknowledge their greatest accomplishment pushes Arcann over the edge, and he lunges at Valkorion’s back with his lightsaber. Even-tempered and loyal, Thexan pulls him back with the Force, but Arcann is still lost to his rage, and he turns on his brother and cuts him down. Instantly his mind clears but it’s too late. He rushes to catch his brother as he falls and takes his hand for the last time.

He looks up to find Valkorion standing over him, his father finally proud of him.

This four-and-a-half-minute trailer for a video game is a better told and more emotionally resonant story than Star Wars: The Last Jedi. 4.5/5 Death Stars.

 

Vacation

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: July 7, 2015 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,633 BBY

It’s been 40+ years in-universe since we were introduced to Nico Okarr, the Han Solo ripoff who helped a teenage Satele Shan escape from Darth Malgus when the Sith retook Korriban. He hasn’t shown up since then . . . until now!

Nico Okarr is lounging in the back of some dive called the Sarlacc and Loaded when a rich nobleman named Seamus Kaldo approaches and offers to hire him to apprehend that no-good infamous smuggler Nico Okarr. Nico reveals his identity and asks for his payment. Seamus protests that Nico is too young to be a guy who should be in his seventies, because apparently he looks exactly the same as he did in the trailer that introduced him. I checked Wookieepedia and apparently it’s never explained why he doesn’t age, a line of dialogue in the MMO just gives some offhand reference to a Sith artifact he found. I guess they just really loved this character and wanted to put him into the game without being hampered by little details like “temporal consistency.”

Seamus and his manservant, Vhonu, fly into a rage and demand recompense for the engine schematics Nico stole from the Kaldo family. They try to capture him but Nico drops them both, then rifles through Seamus’s pockets and takes the money he was promised. “Sorry for the mess,” he tells the bartender, flipping him a coin, because they’re not even bothering to pretend he’s not Han Solo. Nico Okarr goes outside and says to no one, “Guess vacation’s over.”

Fuck this. 0.5/5 Death Stars.

Sunday, June 10, 2018

SWTOR Shorts

Lana Beniko's Journal: Dark Arkous

Nice-Girl Sith Lana Beniko makes a report on Darth Arkous, some guy who I don’t know who that is. There were Republic spies on their ship who were plotting to blow it up but Lana discovered their subterfuge but one escaped in an escape pod but Darth Arkous flew out through space and stabbed her with his lightsaber but Lana thought that was pretty cool but then Darth Arkous told her he was going to Onderon but really he went to Manaan so now she doesn’t know what to believe.

Pointless. 1/5 Death Stars.

 

Surface Details

Author: Charles Boyd
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: August 14, 2014 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: 3,637 BBY

Varko is a Selkath customs agent on the planet Manaan. He has a pleasant conversation with a man named Tev Fith, who has come to the planet to do research for a biotech firm. Varko thinks he met Tev’s boss a few days ago, but it turns out to be a case of mistaken identity and Varko was thinking of someone else. Apparently “Tev Fith” is really Theron Shan in disguise but I had to look that up. Later Lana Beniko shows up and mind-tricks Varko into giving her information on Darth Arkous’s travel arrangements. The story ends with Varko going swimming. “Such a boring and forgettable day.”

You can say that again. 1/5 Death Stars.

 

Wanted: Dead and Dismantled

Author: Charles Boyd
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: August 26, 2014 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: 3,637 BBY

The bounty hunter droid BH-7X meets with another bounty hunter named Kern to discuss a contract on the Wookiee smuggler Jakarro and his partner, C2-D4, a disembodied droid head. Kern had previously tried to hire BH-7X but been unwilling to meet the droid’s price, so now the droid has returned to inform him that the half-priced mooks he hired instead have all been killed. Kern throws a bottle of booze at him, and BH-7X stuns Kern to collect a bounty on him, and then freezes him in carbonite or something. Because of course he does.

Of course he does.

HEY HAVE YOU EVER SEEN STAR WARS 1.5/5 Death Stars

 

Remnants

Author: Charles Boyd
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: September 4, 2014 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: 3,637 BBY

A human smuggler named Kaya is pursued through the jungles of Rakata Prime, the primeval homeworld of our old friends, the Rakata. Despite ruling the galaxy back when we started this venture with Dawn of the Jedi, the Rakata have since devolved into tribal primitives, making war on each other and anyone unfortunate enough to visit their planet. Known only as “the Unknown World” when it first appeared in 2003’s Knights of the Old Republic, that planet was given the name Rakata Prime in The New Essential Chronology, a Star Wars reference book published in 2005. A year later, however, Drew Karpyshyn featured the world in his novel Darth Bane: Path of Destruction, in which it was called Lehon. The following month, The New Essential Guide to Alien Species identified it simply as Rakata.

This vignette sticks with Rakata Prime, but YMMV.

Anyway, Kaya was hired by the Exchange, the major galactic crime syndicate of this era, as part of a crew sent to retrieve various artifacts and antiques from the planet’s ruins. The half-dozen other members of her team have all been killed by the natives, who are now chasing Kaya back toward her ship, throwing spears and indecipherable threats at her, while she yells into her comlink for her droid, Dominic, to fire up the engines.


She comes into the clearing where she’s parked and throws herself onto the ground as the droid turns the ship’s guns on the jungle and blasts away. “It felt like there wasn’t enough air on the entire planet for her to catch her breath.” That line is pretty banal but hey at least they put some kind of literary language into one of these things.

Kaya is safely aboard her ship but the action isn’t over yet! Once she and Dom (short for D0-M9) make orbit, they’re attacked by a Republic corvette and a Sith destroyer that strangely appear to be working together. The reason for this isn’t explained in the story, I guess you have to play the Shadow of Revan game expansion (available now for only $19.99 USD!) to find out. They get caught in a tractor beam but manage to break free when Kaya dumps the junk they stole from the Rakata into space.

Knowing that the Exchange will be pissed at them for losing their cargo, Kaya and Dominic Toretto decide to lie low for a while in Raider’s Cove, a trade port on the planet Rishi, where you, the player, can meet and interact with them in the Shadow of Revan game expansion (available now for only $19.99 USD!).

A little bit more substantial than most of these web vignettes have been, plus going back to the Unknown World and seeing the Rakata again warmed the cockles of my heart. 2/5 Death Stars.


Bedtime on Concordia

Author: Charles Boyd
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: October 28, 2014 on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: 3,637 BBY

Mandalorian warrior Galron is out camping with his twin daughters, Tayn and Mari. As they turn in for the night beside the campfire, they ask their father to tell them a bedtime story. Galron tells them about Shae Vizla, the pretty redheaded lady who helped Darth Malgus blow up the Jedi Temple. Apparently she used to fight side by side with her brother until he was killed by a Jedi, which prompted her to volunteer for the temple attack. Fighting and killing Jedi is all fun and games until they start killing you back, then you have a reason to kill them, I guess. Galron says that after the Treaty of Coruscant, Shae and her whole clan disappeared, but he believes that she will return once she’s found a great enough challenge. Mari asks if she can sleep with her father’s helmet on, and he stays up all night carving his daughters practice swords out of wood.

Fun fact: Shae Vizla has no relation to the various prequel-era Mandalorians surnamed Vizsla.

Whew, I’m gonna need a rag over here.

This story is kind of sweet but also kind of sickening. There’s one point where Tayn make-believes shooting a flamethrower and Galron mentally adds it to her armor’s construction list. Now I’m really endeared to this culture. 1.5/5 Death Stars.

 

Rishi: Places of Interest

This is another one of these online TOR vignettes that can only debatably be called a story. It’s a series of emails sent by a prospector named Rondo to his wife, Marani. There are several shorts published on the TOR website that are just emails or in-universe advertisements or transcripts of fictional interviews, none of which I am including in this series, but this one has the vaguest suggestion of a plot in that it relates a series of connected events in a narrative fashion, so it arbitrarily made the cut.

Rondo has come to the planet Rishi to strike it rich mining exonium, after his previous business venture on Mustafar led to permanent damage to his lungs. At first he’s optimistic, but he’s quickly made a slave of the pirate band who control the planet’s exonium trade. Rondo escapes by jumping out the emergency exit of their ship and ends up floating on a door in the ocean for two days until he’s rescued by native Rishii tribesmen. The Rishii introduce him to a local prospector who tells him where to find all the exonium he wants. Rondo follows the prospector’s map to a spooky cave but wisely decides not to enter upon hearing monster noises from within. Unfortunately, as leaves the cave he stumbles upon some kind of mysterious operation that he doesn’t understand but knows he wasn’t supposed to see. His final, unsent email to his wife cuts off mid-sentence, and we’re informed that his datapad was found by the Rishii villagers but “what happened to Rondo as he wrote those last words remains a mystery to this day.”

Oh but according to Wookieepedia I guess he was just killed by the Revanites, a splinter cult within the Sith Empire that worships Revan. Boooooorrring. 1.5/5 Death Stars.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

ANNIHILATION!

The Last Battle of Colonel Jace Malcom

Author: Alexander Freed
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: October 2012 in Star Wars Insider #137
Timeline Placement: 3,640 BBY

The Galactic War has begun!

If you want to see that, though, you’ll have to play eight campaigns and four expansions before Disney and EA terminate their licensing agreement and the last living remnant of the Expanded Universe is swept from human memory.

“The Last Battle of Colonel Jace Malcom” is a pretty decent short story about Colonel Jace Malcom, the Republic soldier who looks exactly like a Jango Fett clonetrooper. We first met him forty years ago (in both Star Wars time and our time, seemingly) in Return and last saw him when he was fighting Darth Malgus and got his face blowed up. This time around he’s in an advising position to Sergeant Shanra Immel and her squad as they attempt to drive the Sith Empire off of the planet Kalandis Seven by destroying one of their spaceports.

As they are preparing to bomb the port with the fatalistic knowledge that the Empire will just have another one built by tomorrow, a planetary command ship descends from orbit on a refueling run. Malcom orders his team to continue their mission while he attempts to capture the ship so they can use its navicomputer to find every Imperial base on the planet.

Malcom sneaks aboard the ship just before it lifts off again. He takes out the guards and makes his way to the bridge, where he finds a masked Sith Lord in charge of the vessel. Malcom bum-rushes her and gets a face full of Force lightning but manages to shoot the Sith to death with his rifle. The rest of the bridge crew flies into a panic and Malcom thinks he’s won the day only to realize that the ship’s self-destruct sequence has been activated.

As the ship careens out of control Malcom falls through the window but is saved by a Republic starfighter sent by Sergeant Immel. Immel tells him that the spaceport has been destroyed and jokes that she’ll buy him some shitty liquor to celebrate his failure, but Malcom tells her that he’s been recalled to Coruscant and none of them will ever see him again.

A Jedi Knight arrives on the planet to pick up Malcom, explaining that the Supreme Chancellor has a more important assignment for him back in the Core Worlds. “The troops down there won’t last long, now,” Malcom tells him. “They don’t have the training to hold the place. They’ll be overrun within the month. Casualties’ll be heavy.”

He looks over the list of his former squadmates one last time then deletes them from his contacts and begins preparing himself for his next mission.

I don’t think I mentioned it for The Lost Suns, but Alexander Freed’s writing was the best part of that comic as well as Blood of the Empire. He manages to inject odd bits of characterization and captivating worldbuilding and narrative hooks into stories that otherwise weren’t that worth telling. “The Last Battle” is likewise pretty good despite how brief and perfunctory it is. None of the secondary characters are memorable in and of themselves but they provide some interesting characterization for Malcom, who until this point we’ve only seen as an unnamed and mostly mute participant in some animated trailers and also maybe as a quest-giver in a videogame. I can’t say I’m at all interested in ever seeing him again, but the quick moment of conflict between emotion and duty at the very end justifies this story’s existence, which is more than most of these TOR shorts have. 3.5/5 Death Stars.

What’s wrong with your faaaaaaace?

The Old Republic: Annihilation

Author: Drew Karpyshyn
Medium: Novel
Publication Date: November 2012
Timeline Placement: c. 3,640 BBY (with flashbacks to 3,667–3,666 BBY)
Series: The Old Republic

Area X has been cut off from the rest of the continent for decades. Nature has reclaimed the last vestiges of human civilization. The first expedition returned with reports of a pristine, Edenic landscape; the second expedition ended in mass suicide; the third expedition in a hail of gunfire as its members turned on one another. The members of the eleventh expedition returned as shadows of their former selves, and within weeks, all had died of cancer. In Annihilation, the first volume of Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, we join the twelfth expedition.

The group is made up of four women: an anthropologist; a surveyor; a psychologist, the de facto leader; and our narrator, a biologist. Their mission is to map the terrain, record all observations of their surroundings and of one another, and, above all, avoid being contaminated by Area X itself.

They arrive expecting the unexpected, and Area X delivers―they discover a massive topographic anomaly and life forms that surpass understanding―but it’s the surprises that came across the border with them and the secrets the expedition members are keeping from one another that change everything.

[Continuity Note: There’s a weird chronology flub right off the bat here. In a rare bit of inter-textual TOR-era continuity, Annihilation is more or less a sequel to The Lost Suns, which clearly dates itself as occurring ten years after the Treaty of Coruscant, setting it in 3,643 BBY. Annihilation itself contains numerous references that place it forty years after the beginning of the Great War in 3,681. There is also more than one mention of the events of The Lost Suns taking place two or “almost two” years earlier. So taking the text at face value, Annihilation should be set in 3,641 BBY. However, according to the official timeline, it takes place during the following year.

[Author Drew Karpyshyn originated the 3,640 BBY date in a tweet, and it was later confirmed in The Essential Reader’s Companion, a reference book written by current Lucasfilm Story Group member Pablo Hidalgo. However, in the same tweet Karpyshyn also says that Theron Shan is thirty years old.

[The flashbacks in Annihilation establish that Theron was born the year after the Battle of Alderaan. According to The Journal of Master Gnost-Dural, the Battle of Alderaan took place four years after the Battle of Bothawui, the timeline video for which is dated at eighteen years before the Treaty of Coruscant. The Treaty of Coruscant is cited by multiple sources, including The Essential Reader’s Companion and The Old Republic Encyclopedia, as occurring in 3,653 BBY. Tracing this convoluted chain of dates backward, we can peg Theron Shan’s birth year as 3,666 BBY, making him twenty-six at the time of Annihilation if indeed it takes place in 3,640 BBY.

[Basically this has been a long-winded way of mathematically proving that the dates in Karpyshyn’s tweet are unreliable. Going by the actual text of the novel, Annihilation must take place in 3,641 BBY (making Theron only twenty-five during its events, too old to lie to himself and call it honor), regardless of what the official timeline says. Also remember how multiple stories were written under the mistaken assumption that the Treaty of Coruscant took place thirty years before the game rather than ten. The chronology of the TOR tie-ins is just a mess all around.]

Annihilation picks up in the aftermath of the base game of The Old Republic but before the expansions: the Sith Emperor is dead, Darth Malgus is dead, Imperial Intelligence has been disbanded, the war is back on and the Republic is winning. I feel so sorry for anyone trying to get a comprehensible story by reading along with Del Rey’s novel timeline or even just the TOR series. “There was a whole novel about Malgus, then he died between books? We never see the Sith Emperor again after Revan? What the hell is happening? Did I miss something here?”

We spend the first fifty pages of the book watching Theron Shan dick around playing guardian angel and trying to save Teff’ith, the Twi’lek woman he sort of befriended in The Lost Suns, from a gangland hit without her knowing he was there. In the process he inadvertently sabotages a Republic Strategic Information Service (SIS) operation, leading his boss to consign him to desk duty as punishment. He’s soon back in the field, however, when Jace Malcom, the newly appointed Supreme Commander of the Republic armed forces, personally requests him for a special assignment based on the strength of an analytics report Theron wrote while on probation.

Seeing Theron’s last name, Jace asks Theron’s boss, the Director of SIS, if Theron is related to Jedi Grand Master Satele Shan. The Director informs him that Satele is Theron’s mother, leading Jace to remember the time he boned Satele twenty-six years ago and realize that he must be Theron’s dad.

It’s around this point that we’re introduced to Master Gnost-Dural, the Kel Dor Jedi who narrated the Old Republic Timeline videos and is voiced by the inestimable Lance Henriksen. He is also the second best character in the book. The best character is Davidge, the Sith Empire’s Minister of Logistics, who appears in two scenes and tries in vain to explain the value of spreadsheets to the Dark Council. He’s like “Guys, we’re way overbudget for the month, we seriously need to cut back on spending” and the Sith are like “But the power of the dark side!” and blow up a planet.

It turns out that Gnost-Dural’s former Padawan, a Falleen named Kana Tarrid, attempted to infiltrate the Sith much like Ulic Qel-Droma did way back when, but she fell to the dark side and became Darth Malgus’s apprentice, taking the name Darth Karrid. Now she controls the Ascendant Spear, the most powerful ship in the Sith fleet and the last surviving superweapon developed by Darth Mekhis in The Lost Suns. Though Darth Karrid is a creepy lizard broad, we’re forced to endure several male characters musing about how turned-on she would make them if only half of her face wasn’t covered in mechanical appliances and USB ports that she uses to control the Ascendant Spear by jacking into it like a Na’vi.

The birth of Darth Karrid.

Destroying the Spear is the goal of Operation End Game, the secret mission for which Jace Malcom has recruited both Theron and Gnost-Dural. Theron, Gnost-Dural, Jace Malcom, and Theron’s boss have a Long Halloween-esque strategy meeting where they hammer out their plan to take down the Gotham mob by stealing a black cipher, a very rare Sith encryption device. Drew Karpyshyn has such a poor grasp of character voice that the dialogue of all four men in this scene is indistinguishable and could be spoken by any of them. After the party breaks up Jace invites Theron over to his place to get wasted, then tells him, “Surprise, you have a father, and it’s me!” But Theron is just like “I hate you, Dad!” and storms out.

Theron gets in touch with Teff’ith and she promises to use her underworld contacts to get him and Gnost-Dural onto the Sith world of Ziost if he stops stalking her and saving her life all the time. They arrive on the planet and rendezvous with the ZLF, the Ziost Liberation Front, who give them the supplies they need to make their theft of the black cipher look like a failed assassination attempt on the Minister of Logistics so the Sith don’t realize the cipher is missing and change the codes.

While Gnost-Dural takes out the guards and plants the diversionary bomb, Theron infiltrates the minister’s office. He is unable to crack the minister’s safe before a security detail arrives, however, and resigns himself to dying in his own explosion. But just then Gnost-Dural, having realized that Theron wasn’t going to make it to the rendezvous in time, shows up and saves the day. They get the cipher and jump off the roof of the building just as everything explodes.

After they return from Ziost, Theron gets a note from his mom to come visit so he sneaks around back and climbs up the side of her house to break in through a window, where he finds Satele Shan waiting for him like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. Theron is like “Mom, why didn’t you ever tell me that Jace Malcom was my father, even though you abandoned me as an infant and have never in my life acknowledged me as your son?” Satele tells him that the horrors of war had turned Jace’s heart to the dark side and she didn’t want to expose Theron to that environment. Does she not realize that falling to the dark side is exclusively a Force thing or is this scene just dumb? The decision is left up to you, the reader.

Using the black cipher, Jace Malcom learns about an impending attack on the planet Duro, but decides to let it play out so as not to tip off the Imperials and risk losing a chance to destroy the Ascendant Spear. Oh no, I guess he really was on the dark side all along. This strategic pragmatism doesn’t sit right with an amoral, cold-hearted intelligence operative like Theron Shan, however, so he and Gnost-Dural decide to take matters into their own hands.

Teff’ith uses her underworld contacts to help them infiltrate the space station where the Spear is docked for shore leave, because even fascist wizards need some R&R. Theron sends Teff’ith to Coruscant to tell his mother about their plan, which involves somehow tricking Darth Karrid into sending the Spear to Duro so the Republic can somehow both destroy it and save the planet at the same time. Meanwhile Gnost-Dural infiltrates the Spear and confronts his former Padawan. Because of the cybernetic Force bond required to control the ship, however, Darth Karrid has allowed her lightsaber skills to atrophy, so Gnost-Dural faces off against her two apprentices instead.

If only the J. J. Abrams Star Trek films were as sterile and sexless as the original series.

It was at this point in the novel that I became aware of something odd. When Master Gnost-Dural stepped into the lion’s den, armed only with some undefined plan to save a planet through trickery, there was actual tension in the scene. As he faced off against three Sith Lords, deep in heart of a ship powered by the dark side, with a platoon of Sith soldiers cutting their way into the room, I found myself caring whether or not Gnost-Dural would survive the encounter. I’m not sure if this was due to how the character was written or just because I’d been imagining all his lines spoken in Lance Henriksen’s voice, but it was so shocking to experience an actual emotion while reading this book that I thought it was worth mentioning.

Let’s be honest, though, it was probably because of Lance Henriksen.

Anyway the Sith troopers break down the door and shoot Gnost-Dural with fifty thousand stun blasts and he is captured. Darth Karrid strips all his clothes off for some reason and straps him to The Machine from The Princess Bride, where he is tortured with the ultimate suffering.

Elsewhere, Theron has also managed to infiltrate the Ascendant Spear and is hard at work hacking its motherboard so he can bypass its firewalls and plant viruses in its mainframe, or some other computer lingo. It’s really hot in the room he’s working from, though, so he strips down to his boxers, then has to abandon his clothes and run around the ship in his underwear when the Sith discover him.

Gnost-Dural pretends to break under torture and says that he was sent to prevent Karrid from taking the Spear to Duro, where the Republic is lying in wait to ambush the Sith fleet that is lying in wait to ambush the planet. Karrid falls for this deception immediately and takes the Spear to Duro, where she discovers Jace Malcom and Satele Shan, having been tipped off by Teff’ith, commanding a Republic fleet that is making short work of the Imperial forces. The Republic ships are no match for the speed and firepower of the Ascendant Spear, but Theron’s viruses have sabotaged enough of the Spear‘s systems to buy time.

Theron frees Gnost-Dural from the ultimate suffering and together, both men wearing only their underwear, they defeat Darth Karrid’s apprentices and the Sith soldiers in what is the second least erotic fanservice I’ve ever read. Karrid herself is ensconced in an impregnable crystal shell from which she controls all of the Spear‘s systems, but for some reason she decides to exit her command pod, flail around and scream inarticulately, then go back into the pod and get back to work. As the pod closes behind her, however, Theron tosses in a grenade and she explodes.

Theron and Gnost-Dural escape, Jace Malcom blows up the Ascendant Spear, and as our heroes are brought aboard the Republic flagship, Teff’ith wryly observes, “You know you both naked, right?” Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Meditations

Annihilation may be Drew Karpyshyn’s best Star Wars novel, simply by virtue of being merely mediocre instead of offensively terrible (yup, that includes the Darth Bane books—get mad, nerds). The same issues with his writing that existed in The Old Republic: Revan persist in this book, along with a few new ones, but at no point in Annihilation does he ruin any beloved characters in the service of trashing someone else’s much better story. Insert joke about how maybe Drew Karpyshyn should have written The Last Jedi.

I talked at length before about how flavorless and simplistic Karpyshyn’s writing style is, so I won’t dwell on it at length here, save to say that this is a book utterly without nuance or subtext. Writing simply is by no means an inherently bad thing of course; Ernest Hemingway’s Iceberg Theory of literature used simple, minimalist prose to great effect, relying on the gravity of what he left unspoken to belie the straightforwardness of his language. With Karpyshyn’s writing, however, there is nothing below the waterline. What you see is what you get, and what you get is unsophisticated, uncomplicated, and unmemorable. Over the course of this novel’s 334 pages, Theron Shan learned nothing about himself (except who his father was, something that had no impact on his character or the plot) and I didn’t learn anything about him either; he just did some things, some stuff blew up, and then it was over.

What stuck out to me when reading Annihilation wasn’t so much the writing style itself as odd stylistic choices that the author made. A basic rule of thumb when writing dialogue, for example, is that there is seldom a need to use any dialogue tags other than “said” or “asked.” In cases where you want to show emphasis, you can opt for a punchier choice—”demanded,” “exclaimed,” “shouted,” “lied,” etc.—but it’s best to use these sparingly. These words call attention to themselves, and in the vast majority of circumstances where dialogue tags are appropriate, their only purpose is to tell the reader which character is speaking, not to distract from what’s being said.

Karpyshyn loves dialogue tags, however. The more varied tags he can use, the happier he is. Here are all the dialogue tags he uses across pages 184 and 185, during a simple conversation between Theron and Satele Shan:

she replied

Theron said

he added

she chided

Theron joked

she continued

Theron answered

she warned

she added

Theron shot back

he continued

she said

Theron replied

she said

Theron said

she told him

It’s incredibly distracting and lends to the unpolished, juvenile aesthetic of the text. It’s the kind of thing where you read it and you’re like “Oh yeah, I used to write like this . . . in assignments for my high school creative writing class.”

Karpyshyn also has a weird habit of putting paragraph breaks in the middle of a character’s dialogue. There’s nothing strictly wrong with how he does it, it’s formatted and punctuated correctly and all that, but it’s a very unusual and unnecessary stylistic choice that just confuses the reader about who’s speaking. There are no hard and fast rules in literature for when to begin a new paragraph, but when it comes to dialogue, unless they are denoting a point of special emphasis or a single character is speaking uninterrupted for an unusual length of time, like a protagonist in an Ayn Rand novel, an author will typically have a character begin and finish talking within a single paragraph. None of the book’s characters deliver any lengthy monologues, but Karpyshyn will frequently break a single character’s dialogue into two or more paragraphs for seemingly no reason, tricking you into thinking that a new character has started talking.

Also he reuses the unusual turn of phrase “infernal machine,” which he previously used in Revan in an unrelated context. Maybe he just really enjoyed that Indiana Jones game.

I have to give credit where credit is due, however, and remark on how relieved I was that the book never introduces any romantic tension between Theron and Teff’ith. I kept waiting for that shoe to drop every time she’d leave and then reenter the story and it never did. In fact the book’s epilogue establishes that they see one another as brother and sister. Not that that’s stopped Star Wars before, but the last thing this story needed was a flat, undeveloped romance between two flat, undeveloped characters.

Overall, Annihilation is no Revan. While it doesn’t make much of a case for its own existence, it also doesn’t outright refute it with every turn of the page. Plus Master Gnost-Dural was a pretty enjoyable character, fuck my better judgment.

I really want to give it a 3/5 for all the things it didn’t do wrong, but it still didn’t do all that much right. 2.5/5 Death Stars. Mostly harmless.

One thing that bothered me though was how they never explain that the reason it’s called Annihilation is because that’s the hypnotically implanted trigger word to induce the science expedition to immediately commit suicide.


The Search for Oricon

“The Search for Oricon” is a story told in the format of a log entry by Jonas Balkar, a Republic SIS recruiter. I almost didn’t bother including it in this project because its format is so atypical of these TOR shorts it’s debatable if it should even be considered a short story, but it has the faintest suggestion of a plot so I threw it in for inclusivity’s sake.

In the aftermath of the events of TOR‘s eight class stories, SIS is hunting for the Dread Masters, a cadre of six Sith Lords so skilled at Battle Meditation that they are able to destroy entire Republic fleets by infecting the crew’s minds with irresistible terror or something. With the Sith Emperor dead, the Dread Masters have gone rogue and formed their own splinter faction, the Dread Host. Balkar describes his experience with a young man he recruited to help track them down.

The unnamed recruit passes all of SIS’s psychological evaluations and field tests and is deemed a perfect candidate to go undercover in the Dread Host and discover the location of Oricon, the lunar headquarters of the Dread Masters. Balkar is uneasy about giving his own recommendation because of how young the recruit is, but he does his duty and moves on to his next assignment.

Months later, the recruit returns aboard a stolen Dread Host ship, his mission a success, except that he has gone insane in the process of it. SIS calls in Balkar, hoping a familiar face will convince him to be more forthcoming, but by the time Balkar arrives the recruit has hacked apart all of his handlers and guards. The only time the kid speaks is to ask if Balkar is proud of him. He chases Balkar around the hangar while Balkar shoots him to death. Balkar checks the ship’s navicomputer and obtains the coordinates for Oricon, though he pities whoever the Republic decides to send there. To see that story be sure to download Star Wars: The Old Republic and its first digital expansion, Rise of the Hutt Cartel, today!

This is one of the more decent TOR online short stories that we’ve read so far, but there still isn’t that much to talk about. The scene in the hangar, when Balkar arrives to find the kid just standing there smiling despite being riddled with blaster holes and surrounded by dismembered corpses is mildly creepy and does a good job of setting a specific tone for the Dread Masters story in the MMO that I’m sure it doesn’t live up to. Most of these shorts have been told in third-person, but Jonas Balkar’s first-person narration through his log entry was a good choice for this pseudo-horror story, as it allows us to share secondhand in Balkar’s low-key empathy for his recruit without the author having to waste his or her word count trying to drum up empathy from scratch.

For real though these are just way too short to have any strong feelings about. 2.5/5 Death Stars. Email me on this webzone if you know who the author is.

Monday, March 19, 2018

The Dartower

Ben: I see that KA IS A WHEEL has been updated, did I ever give you my epilogue review?

Ben: I'll give it to you when we go see STEPHEN KING'S IT 2 in theaters.

Ben: IT II: PENNYWISE IS A SPIDER

Monday, March 12, 2018

Just listening to Tay Sway

 
Fearless Taylor = best Taylor.
 
"We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together" is catchier than something like "White Horse" but lyrically it's about ten times more obnoxious. Red is a more mature refocusing of her themes but that's also why it's less interesting; her themes are fundamentally immature so they feel more authentic coming from a perspective of childish earnestness rather than the confidence of a successful adulthood.
 
On her early albums the lack of structure is the structure, scatterbrained musings about life without the filter of any real experience and fundamental misunderstandings of Shakespeare, problems that seem very big but really aren't anything at all. No doubt that wide-eyed high school aesthetic was as deliberately manufactured as all the other Taylors, but Fearless's veneer of inauthentic authenticity elevates it above her unabashed pop material in this critic's eyes.
 
Listening to her trembly faux-country pining and fearing and fantasizing, you can believe that these are the thoughts of a real teenage girl rather than something meant to appeal to teenage girls. It is shallow and simple and self-involved, and feels more real than anything she's done since.
 
Now it's just all superficial pop songs about boys in cars, catchy to be sure but visibly manufactured and shellacked. Not to say that Fearless is some organic artistic triumph of true lyrical mastery but it is genuine in its artificiality in a way post-Kanye Taylor isn't.
 
Fearless is generic teen pop but Taylor at the time was a generic teen popstar. It's her most honest album by virtue of its vapidity.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

The Old Republic Tie-Ins Continue

The Price of Power

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: February 2, 2015 on on SWTOR.com
Timeline Placement: c. 3,643 BBY

We’re introduced to Darth Lachris, a female Sith apprenticed to Darth Marr, a dude in spiky armor who previously appeared as a member of the Dark Council back in Blood of the Empire. There’s even a reference to the hero of that comic, Darth Thanaton. Good to know he’s still hanging around doing whatever it is he does.

The Dork Council convenes.

Lachris is meeting with her master on Korriban, homeworld of the Sith and most evil planet in the galaxy, to discuss their strategy for pacifying the world of Balmorra, which is apparently in open revolt against its Sith rulers. Marr tells his apprentice that if she can put down the rebellion he will give her control of the planet, but to do so she must employ the heretical clairvoyance technique developed by Thanaton’s dead master, Calypho. The only way this technique works, however, is for the user to be on the brink of death.

Marr and Lachris duel one another, with Lachris blasting her master with Force lightning, to which he responds by telekinetically throwing her into the wall. She hits her head and has a vision of the field of human skulls from Terminator 2. Standing above the skulls is the leader of the Balmorran Resistance, a Republic soldier. John Connor reaches out to grab her but suddenly he’s cut in half by a shadowy figure whose face she can’t see. She reaches down to grab a handful of soil and is seized by roots that spring out of the ground. Two more anonymous figures loom over her and then she wakes up.

“You cannot escape death,” Darth Marr says, lifting her up by the throat. “Consider this my final lesson.” He tells her she is not a coward, which is the only compliment he’s ever given her.

Darth Lachris departs for Balmorra with the hope that she may still be able to change her fate.

Darth Lachrymose

The writing in this story is actually pretty decent, but, like in “The Final Trial,” it’s far too short to leave any lasting impression. It’s a shame the author never got the opportunity to pen anything more substantial before the Expanded Universe was decanonized into Legends and left to continue exclusively as these sporadic TOR shorts; I definitely would have been interested in seeing how it turned out. As it is, this story adds some well-written context to characters in the MMO and the game events on Balmorra, but if you haven’t played the game and don’t know who these characters are you probably won’t get too much out of it. Still, decent writing is decent writing. 3.5/5 Death Stars.


The Sixth Line

Author: Courtney Woods
Medium: Short story
Publication Date: April 24 – April 28, 2015 on SWTOR.com (Part One and Part Two)
Timeline Placement: c. 3,643 – 3,636 BBY

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.

As anyone who’s played Knights of the Old Republic knows, these are the five lines of the Jedi Code, often mentioned in the prequel trilogy but never recited on-screen. But what if there was a sixth line? A line that said:

There is no contemplation, there is only duty.

It would be pretty lame, right?

Apparently there’s a group of five Jedi who don’t think so, though. Surro, Landai, Garault, Onok, and Danak are a militant faction of Jedi aiding the Balmorran Resistance. Although the Treaty of Coruscant between the Sith Empire and the Republic is still in effect, military deserters have been fighting the Sith occupation for years. It’s these insurgents that Darth Lactose was sent to quash in the previous story. By this point she’s been largely successful, and the Jedi have sent in the “Sixth Line” to help out without letting the Sith know that they’re violating the Treaty. Even the Supreme Chancellor doesn’t know they’re here.

Honestly though I’m not sure what’s so great about these guys. Danak has been captured by the Sith, who mistake him for a mere Resistance spy. While the other Sixth Liners watch from cover of darkness, an Imperial officer named Bowenn blows their friend’s brains out. Garault in particular isn’t too happy about this, as Danak was his brother and Master Surro forbade him from intervening so their cover wouldn’t be blown.

They overhear Bowenn mention that a blue Balmorran Twi’lek named Ivo was responsible for turning Danak in. They go to this dude’s house and bust in while he’s making dinner. Surro asks why he would betray his own planet, to which Ivo replies that the Republic abandoned them and resisting the Sith is suicide. Garault prepares to murder Ivo with his lightsaber, but Surro hands him a blaster instead, presumably so there will be no evidence that Jedi are on the planet. For absolutely no reason established in the text, Garault doesn’t go through with killing Ivo, but instead uses the Force to erase his memory of meeting them.

We jump forward in time a few years. Surro enters her apartment on Coruscant (not sure if having your own apartment is a perk of being a Sixth Line Jedi, or if all the Jedi have to live in cheap off-campus housing after their Temple burned down) and finds Theron Shan waiting for her like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. Is this like his trademark or something?

Theron Shan is like, “Yo, adding a line to the Jedi Code? Totally dope. I need some badasses like you for a secret mission to the planet Ziost, adopted homeworld of the Sith and third most evil planet in the galaxy following Dromund Kaas, second adopted homeworld of the Sith and second most evil planet in the galaxy.” Then the story ends.

All of these shorts from the TOR website feel kind of pointless and uneventful if you haven’t played the MMO. They basically just exist to give a little more backstory and context to certain characters and missions you encounter in the game, but without the context of the game to ground them, they’re kind of just floating out there in the EUther with no internal explanation of when they’re happening or why they matter. (In this case, you meet the surviving Sixth Liners on Ziost, where their minds get taken over by the Sith Emperor and I’m pretty sure they’re all killed.) “The Sixth Line” isn’t terribly written, but it might be better if it was. As it is, it has nothing to offer unless you’re already an invested fan of the MMO.

2/5 Death Stars. Why didn’t Garault just kill that guy?

The Sixth Line confronts Ron Howard.

Friday, February 9, 2018

Give Me Back My Sun!!

The Old Republic: The Lost Suns

Author: Alexander Freed
Artists: Dave Ross and George Freeman (issues 1, 2, 4, 5), David Daza (issue 3)
Medium: Comic
Publication Date: June – October 2011
Timeline Placement: 3,643 BBY (with flashbacks to 3,653 BBY)
Series: The Old Republic

We’ve finally reached the end of the TOR comics, and unlike Zayne Carrick’s last adventure in Knights of the Old Republic, it’s come not a moment too soon. First, if you recall, we met Teneb Kel, who killed a girl with red skin and stabbed his best friend in the back to become the dreaded Darth Thanaton, a sad chimpanzee with a metal neck. Then we revisited the Treaty of Coruscant and experienced a side of those events much less entertaining and more poorly illustrated than that we saw in Deceived. Both of those stories were originally webcomics that were later reformatted as traditional comic book issues, but The Lost Suns changed things up and debuted in stores as five monthly single issues. Did it make any difference to the quality of the storytelling or the art? Nope! 

The Lost Suns marks our timeline’s introduction of Theron Shan, the son of Grand Master Satele Shan. Aside from his mother, he’ll soon become the closest thing we have to a main character in this time period of the EU. If you don’t count the eight player characters from The Old Republic itself, that is (and even Satele, for all her appearances, is never the main character of any story she appears in, except maybe the execrable Threat of Peace).

Unless you’re spending hundreds of hours playing the MMO, the TOR sub-era really doesn’t have a lot to offer you. Sure, the cinematic trailers and those timeline videos (which BioWare never even bothered to finish) are cool, but Dawn of the Jedi, Tales of the Jedi, and Knights of the Old Republic each had their own established cast and a singular identifiable main character. With the TOR spinoffs, we’ve had a new protagonist in practically every story, and almost none of them have ever appeared again.

Even Theron Shan, who headlines this comic, the next novel, and a few short stories, never really feels like a true protagonist; he shows such scant personality in these five issues and we learn so little about him that he might as well be another one-and-done lead like Teneb Kel or Zeerid Korr, whoever that was. He’s a video game character transplanted into a comic book, and it’s clear that the author isn’t interested in saying anything about him or the world he inhabits. Unlike John Jackson Miller’s KotOR comics, which were spun off from a game but refused to live in its shadow and forged their own identity independent of their namesake, anything marked with the brand The Old Republic is wholly subservient to its source material. All of these comics and novels and short stories are conscious of their own lack of necessity. You can feel it when you’re reading them, and if they don’t care, why should we? It’s like reading a Mass Effect comic: here’s a character, they’re doing something in a setting you love, then it ends.

The complete time frame of The Old Republic, from the return of the Sith to the latest game expansion, covers more than 50 years. That’s a lot of time to play with, and it’s almost criminal how little advantage TOR‘s supplementary material took of it. Instead of telling scattershot filler stories about disposable characters that do nothing to build any meaningful sense of the era, why didn’t they do a single ongoing series like KotOR? Commit to a cast and use them to explore the world you’re building. You can have appearances from game NPCs, but focus on original characters so you’re not enslaved to preexisting personalities and narrative endpoints. I see no reason why a quality series set during the Great War or Cold War couldn’t have functioned as a promotional tie-in just as ably as the garbage they did put out. I’m not even sure who’s to blame for this—BioWare, LucasArts, Dark Horse, Del Rey—but someone really dropped the balls.

Anyway, let’s get into this thing.


The Lost Suns begins with a flashback to ten years prior, in the last days of the war before the Treaty of Coruscant. Four Jedi Knights, led by Satele Shan (and including Sith sleeper agent Syo Bakarn, for those keeping track of recurring minor characters), head a battalion of Republic troopers fighting the forces of the evil Darth Mekhis on Rhen Var, the desolate ice world where Ulic Qel-Droma lived out his self-imposed exile in Tales of the Jedi: Redemption. I’m not sure why Mekhis wants the world or why the Jedi don’t just let her have it, since it appears to have no strategic or resource value, but here we are. I’m also not sure if the illustrator knew that there was only a ten-year gap between this flashback and the rest of the story, as here Satele looks about the same age she was during the Battle of Alderaan (and in fact Alderaan is named alongside Rhen Var as one of the final battles of the war), when according to the finalized timeline she should be 46. Apparently The Lost Suns suffers from the same chronology snafu as Threat of Peace where the writer placed the Treaty of Coruscant 30 years before the start of the MMO rather than 10.

Satele Shan bursts into Darth Mekhis’s command center, but the flashback ends before we see what actually happens between them, even though Mekhis spends the rest of the comic complaining about how badly Satele fucked her up. Back in present times, we meet Theron Shan, a cyborg spy working for the Republic Strategic Information Service, the TOR CIA. He busts up a Black Sun slaving ring and arrests one of the slavers, an 18-year-old female Twi’lek named Teff’ith. Instead of taking her to jail, though, he just keeps her locked up on his ship and drags her around on his spy assignments, which seems . . . unorthodox.

Theron reports in to his boss and tells him he’s thinking of taking some vacation time. His boss tells him, “We need you, Theron. No one else can do what you do: spy on people through binoculars then run up and punch them.” It turns out that Ngani Zho, the revered Jedi Master who raised Theron after his mom got knocked up, carried him to term, and then decided she didn’t want him because of the whole Jedi “no attachments” thing, has resurfaced after going missing in the aftermath of the war. He’s been sighted near the Imperial border, ranting like a crazy person about a sinister Sith conspiracy. Republic Intelligence wants to know if he has valid intel to share, and since Theron is personally invested in this mission, there’s no better operative to send.

It’s also mentioned that Zho trained half the Jedi Council, including Grand Master Satele Shan, and it’s here that I again have to stop recapping the story to recap my own confusion. When we first met Satele Shan, she was introduced alongside her Master, Kao Cen Darach, in the Return cinematic trailer (June 2011). He was killed in that short, then when we met Satele again in Threat of Peace (February 2009), she had a new Master, Dar’Nala, who turned to the dark side and was also killed. Now The Lost Suns (June 2011) is giving her a third Master without any mention of the other two. In fact the comic implies that Ngani Zho trained Satele before the Sith Empire returned, which makes her apprenticeship to Dar’Nala 28 years into the war seem a little odd. Is who trained Satele Shan another one of those EU stories that everyone wants to tell no matter how many times it’s been told before, like the theft of the Death Star plans or Boba Fett’s escape from the Sarlacc? Why?

So Theron sets out to retrieve his old Master, accompanied by Teff’ith and his faithful astromech droid, M-6. I wonder what kind of difficulties he’s going to face in his search, what misadventures await him as he uses his specialized skills as an intelligence operative to track down his old never mind he just immediately finds him standing around in the street. It’s fine. We’re fine.

They share a brief reunion and are soon attacked by Sith Knights, cybernetic creations of Darth Mekhis made from captured Jedi grafted into robot bodies. M-6 releases Teff’ith and she shoots the Sith Knights in the face with a giant gun. They escape.

A further flashback reveals that, of the twelve members of the Sith Emperor’s Dark Council, only seven survived the war, and one of the conditions of the Treaty of Coruscant was that the Republic cede each of them a specific star system of their choosing, sparsely populated and of no strategic value. My initial thought was that each Sith Lord wanted a system to rule as their own domain, and what a cool idea that is, of different regions of space governed by the individual whims and personal cruelties of seven Sith, subservient to the Emperor but each powerful enough to pose their own distinctive threat. That sounds like a fun setting for a video game. But it turns out all seven systems went to Darth Mekhis for her experiments and apparently none of the other six Dark Councillors were involved at all.

I was planning to wait until we got to the New Sith Wars (one novel and a few short stories to go) to talk about the New Sith Wars, but I’m compelled to touch my briefs on it now because Darth Mekhis is basically Belia Darzu. Belia Darzu was a female Dark Lord of the Sith most notable for her knowledge of Sith alchemy and cybernetics, as well as being a shapeshifter. She created the technobeasts, a legion of self-perpetuating mutant cyborg  monstrosities, through the Sith incantation of mechu-deru vitae. All of this sounds nerdy as shit but it’s fucking awesome, all right? Darzu reigned during the New Sith Wars, the 1,000 years of Jedi-and-Sith warfare that preceded the 1,000 years of peace that preceded The Phantom Menace. Like so many of the most intriguing tales populating the Expanded Universe, her story is told entirely through sourcebooks and reference articles; she never appears in a single work of narrative fiction.

Belia Darzu: hot or not?

In fact, the New Sith Wars themselves, which have existed as a concept since 1999, feature in only a handful of stories, virtually all of which are set within the last 30 years of the 1,000-year conflict. Looking at the EU as a whole today, following its discontinuation in 2014, the failure to capitalize on the narrative potential of the New Sith Wars stands out as one of the most painful missed opportunities in Star Wars. This era, known as the Draggulch Period of galactic history, is bereft of stories but brimming with lore, from the Frankensteinian experiments of Belia Darzu to the depredations of the Dark Underlord, a Sith spirit summoned from Hell and made incarnate by black sorcery. Suffering through all of these tie-ins to a game that didn’t need to be, I’m reminded of an old message board post from TheForce.Net, written the year before The Old Republic was first announced.

Dear LFL and affiliated licensee people,

Okay, so, you now how it’s like really hard and stuff to do a new or creative story without being worried about established continuity? Like, if you want to make a Jedi vs. Sith game or something, but crap! where do you set it? Or you want say a new giant story arc, but oh no! there’s already fifteen hundred books, comics, and short stories right where you want it to be? Or, like, you want to create your own special Character of Galactic Importance, but the trouble is no one remembers anyone like your dude doing anything in the time frame you pick?

Well, guess what! I was just reading some stuff, and I found the really AWESOME era to set stories in!!! It turns out that, like, there was a period of a THOUSAND YEARS called the “New Sith Wars” or something like that when it was just nothing but constant Jedi on Sith ACTION! Think about it, fellas: a THOUSAND YEARS! That’s like, three hundred times as long as the Clone War or something! And, even better, it turns out that this ENTIRE era of– remember, ONE THOUSAND YEARS!– is almost totally empty of any stories at all! That’s right– there’s NOTHING to worry about contradicting! And, even better, what little we do know about the era is, like, FULL of storytelling/gaming potential! I’m serious. Thousands of Jedi. Thousands of Sith. Different factions of Sith and other Force-users. Zombies. ZOMBIE JEDI. Creepy mysterious and possibly un-dead Sith Lords. Mandalorians. Mysterious secret societies. Cameos by characters from other eras. Shape shifting Sith Lords. Sith alchemy. Jedi Supreme Chancellors. Galaxy-wide devastation. And did I mention Zombies? I mean, shoot, you name it, this era’s got it, PLUS room to make up, oh, whatever you want (pretty much).

I’m tellin’ you, guys, this is a can’t-lose opportunity. Post apocalyptic stories, good ol’ fashioned Jedi vs. Sith action, Mandie-centric romps, zombie plagues, whatever you want, it’s here. Hell, you could even set one of them online role-playing thingies here and not have to worry about mucking stuff up– talk about having your cake and eating it, too!

Now, get to it! Give us some New Sith Wars stuff! We’ll eat it up! You can do whatever you want! It’s win-win!

You can thank me later.

No offense if you’re a TOR fan, I don’t mean to trash the game because as I’ve said before it looks fun as fuck and if it had come out five years earlier I’d have played it until I died of exhaustion and dehydration. But from a continuity standpoint, it’s a logistical nightmare. Not only did it shit on both KotOR games and ruin any chance of them ever receiving a proper follow-up, it also dropped the lengthiest and most destructive war in the entire EU into a space on the timeline with no previous mention of any significant galactic conflict. Now instead of an era characterized by unique episodes of localized dissension like the Kanz Disorders or the Alsakan Conflicts, we have Sith Empire, Jedi versus Sith, reclusive body-hopping Sith Emperor on a quest for immortality, Grand Moffs, superweapons, soldiers in white armor and helmets that look kind of like stormtrooper armor, Imperials, bad guys are racist against aliens to show that they’re the bad guys, triangular warships, Jedi Council, a hot brunette Jedi chick with a double-bladed lightsaber, Sith Troopers, six-spoked Imperial crest, the public views the Jedi with mistrust, droids that look like destroyer droids, the bad guys attack Coruscant and the Republic is defeated, and more of the same.

Again.

Basically the point is that they could have just made a few minor changes to The Old Republic’s backstory and it would have fit perfectly into the New Sith Wars era without upsetting continuity or adding yet another redundant Sith War to the timeline, and in the process fleshed out one of the coolest time periods in the EU with the most untapped storytelling potential and opened it up for further exploration.

But because they didn’t do that, we have to talk about this stupid comic.

We learn through yet another flashback that Ngani Zho raised Theron Shan since he was six months old and tried to train him in the ways of the Jedi. As his final trial, Zho had Theron trek across a desert to find a Jedi enclave on the planet Haashimut, where Zho believed his pupil would be taken in as a Padawan. Much to Theron’s dismay, he was told by the Jedi there that he actually had no sensitivity to the Force at all, and he would have to leave.

Back in the present, Zho explains that whatever he saw behind Sith lines was so horrible he can’t remember what it was, but he knows that have to stop it. They swing by Port Nowhere, which I think was a location in Guardians of the Galaxy, and Zho mind-tricks some dude into giving them flight clearance to enter the Vesla system. Their journey there must be uneventful because the story skips it completely. Charlize Theron, Zho’s Hope, Teflon, and MI6 make camp on an outlying planetoid in the system, where Theron uses his Super-Spy Mega-Telescope™ to investigate the nearby planets. One has been cracked apart, seemingly by some kind of gravity weapon, and another poisoned and infested with space monsters.

Theron then turns his telescope on the system’s sun itself (something you should never ever do btw), where he beholds . . . THE SUN RAZER!

Hey I just said that.

It is a massive shipyard that completely encircles the star and uses its energy to manufacture superweapons for the Sith Empire. Currently such superweapons include: “The Gauntlet: light-speed cannon capable of eliminating hyperspace targets. Emperor’s Shadow: third-generation cloaking technology commissioned by Darth Malgus. The Undying: unknown. Ascendant Spear: long-range battle-cruiser with Class 0.5 hyperdrive. The Silencer: rapid-recharge ‘fleet killer’ mega-laser.”

Apparently there’s one of these things in each of the seven systems that the Republic gave the Dark Council. “They’re eating stars now, Theron,” says Zho. “This is what the Empire does.” Jeez, I hope no one tells him about the Star Forge.

Theron and his friends make a run for it but their ship is captured by the Sith dreadnought Valor Prevails as it lifts off the planet. They manage to hide Teff’ith somewhere aboard, but Theron and Zho are captured and M-6 is killed, I guess. Credit where credit is due, there’s a legitimately funny moment when a flashback, narrated by Zho recounting his years of spying on Darth Mekhis’s experiments in the Vesla system, transitions back to the present to reveal Zho strapped to an interrogation table, where he asks a masked Sith, “What’s your story, then? Did you always want to torture people?” and the scene just ends.

The dreadnought’s captain tries to impress Theron with the size of his superweapon, inviting him to come work for them. “Can I have a slave brand like yours?” Theron asks, making fun of the marking tattooed on the captain’s cheek. The captain feels self-conscious and has Theron beaten up by the guards and taken to the torture chamber. “I’ve spent the last twelve hours rebooting my cybernetics and gaining access to prison security,” Theron tells Zho, because I guess that’s just something he can do. They escape.

After rendezvousing with Teff’ith, they decide that there isn’t time to warn the Republic and they have to destroy the Sun Razer. Zho and Teff’ith will create a distraction while Theron infiltrates the control room and deactivates the Razer’s shields, which should theoretically destroy it instantly. If it’s so close to the sun that it would immediately burst into flames without its deflector shield, how much energy must they be wasting just to keep the shields up and running 24/7? Can we get a lore book with a reproduction of the Sun Razer’s monthly power bill, please?

Zho gives his lightsaber to Theron, even though Theron insists he doesn’t know how to use it, and they part ways. Zho and Teff’ith tangle with some guards and are forced back into a hangar bay. The Sith melt through the door and Ngani Zho pushes Teff’ith out of the way of their incoming blasterfire but is killed by the barrage.

“Such an unexceptional death,” Darth Mekhis observes, watching on a closed-circuit TV in the control room.

Theron Shan drops out of the ceiling and shoots some dudes but is immediately apprehended by the Sith Knights. An Imperial officer holds a gun to his head, then the scene changes, and when it changes back it’s a random Sith soldier holding the gun. Flawless continuity.

“Darth Mekhis!” Theron shouts, pulling out Zho’s lightsaber. “Take a close look before you kill me. My name is Theron Shan. You know that name, don’t you? I’m the son of Master Satele Shan, who broke you on Rhen Var. I was trained by Ngani Zho. Ten generations of Jedi blood flow through my veins. You can sense the truth. Are you afraid to face me?”

Darth Mekhis is like “Huh?” and Theron drops the lightsaber and shoots her in the face with a poison dart.

Famous Last Words: .” – Darth Mekhis

Theron kills everyone, pushes the blow-up button, and jumps aboard his ship just as Teff’ith is taking off in it. The Sun Razer explodes. They escape.

After dropping off Teff’ith at the nearest space port, her recent history of slaving apparently forgiven, Theron returns to Coruscant and reports to his boss. His boss tells him that the Sith are unable to complete the other six Sun Razers without Darth Mekhis’s technical genius, but the superweapons they already constructed are still out there and, thanks to Theron’s actions, the Sith are likely to terminate the truce and put them into action. By this point the earliest events of The Old Republic itself, which spans several years, have already taken place, meaning that the end of the Cold War is looming and the galaxy is teetering on the brink of the next major war.

In the meantime, though, Satele Shan walks into her house on Tython and finds Theron waiting for her like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale. She hasn’t seen him since he was six months old and doesn’t recognize him. Theron informs her that Ngani Zho is dead. Satele asks if his lightsaber survived so it can be preserved in the Jedi Archives, but Theron says, “Sorry. Must have been lost in the chaos.” At first I thought he was lying and the comic would end with the revelation that he had saved the lightsaber and was keeping it for himself, to remind himself where he came from even though he ultimately couldn’t be a part of that world. But nope, he just left it on the Sun Razer. I guess he really didn’t care.

Satele asks his name but Theron tells her it’s classified. “I see,” she says. “Is there . . . anything else you want to tell me?”

“Not anymore,” says Theron. He escapes.

END

Meditations

Such an unexceptional comic. 1.5/5 Death Stars.