Optimal Optimus

EPISODE 40: OPTIMAL SITUATION

 

Paul: Welp.

Paul: O.P. has a new body. Yet again.
 

Paul: And then Rattrap makes fun of the speed with which they keep changing bodies.
 

Paul: When Megatron blew up O G O P, I was really wondering how they were going to get themselves out of this mess this time.
 

Paul: And now there’s a new base. Yay.
 

Me: I think at the end of season 2 they didn't know if they were coming back for a third season or not so they decided to kill everyone off just in case.
 

Me: Hence Inferno being fine despite being disintegrated by a PowerPoint dissolve effect last episode.
 

Me: Just like Master Asia!

 

Paul: I wondered about that.

Paul: Is 1999’s Beast Machines season 3?

Paul: Or have I already started season 3?

Me: Yes season 2 ended with Megatron killing Optimus Prime.

Me: Just like Mike Stoklasa watching Best of Both Worlds, you got the see the resolution to the three-month cliffhanger in a few minutes.

Paul: That's pretty good.

Paul: I mean, I'm liking Beast Wars and I think it's good TV.

Paul: But I really prefer astonishing, excellent, or transcendant TV. TV so good it probably shouldn't be on TV.

Paul: So far I'm like, 7.

Me: Well it's a cartoon for like 5-year-olds.

Paul: Yes probably mind-blowing at that age.

Paul: I like it.

Paul: It reminds me of Animorphs in more ways than one.

Paul: The war storyline, the animal transformation and coming to grips with that, the comically evil bad guy.

Paul: And the quality.

Paul: Is Beast Machines good?

Me: It is a good show, but a terrible sequel to Beast Wars.

Me: It's a great source of cognitive dissonance because you like seeing all the returning characters voiced by the same actors again but they're all horribly out of character because Hasbro had the Beast Machines people get started without having seen Beast Wars.

Me: As its own show it might even edge out BW in some ways because it's more heavily serialized and thematically coherent.

Me: The themes are like transhumanism and Zen balance though so it's kind of weird.

Me: Also the music is worse, the character models are ugly, and it doesn't have BW's subversive/self-aware/adult humor.

Me: The worst part is the butchered characterization though, everything else would be endurable if it wasn't for that.

Me: The writing is good and it has some pretty cool parts but it's pretty dour.

Paul: I watched part of an episode and that is the vibe I got.

Paul: Hum

Paul: Really, not fun enough? BW is pretty fun.

Paul: Hum that’s the one with the ME3 ending?

Me: Yeah tonally it's a lot darker, instead of evenly matched teams of good guys and bad guys it starts with the bad guys already in power and the Maximals have to wage a guerrilla war against a techno-fascist regime obsessed with racial purity.

Me: Everyone's depressed and there's not much humor.

Paul: Hm.

Paul: That

Paul: uh

Paul: that just sounds like late Animorphs.

Paul: Does the story have anything to do with the events of Beast Wars at all?

Paul: They were on Cybertron in the clip I saw.

Me: Hasbro probably gave them a written summary or something.

Me: I know the BM writers hadn't seen BW when they started.

Me: In the second season they tried to tie it in more.

Paul: Hahaha is just like the BW people with the original Transformers.

Paul: That was a cool tie-in though.

The Agenda

EPISODE 36: TRANSMUTATE

 

Paul: Jesus Christ.

 

Paul: This episode is giving me the fucking creeps.
 

Paul: What an episode jeez.
 

Paul: So how many Transmutate toys did they sell?

EPISODE 37: THE AGENDA, PART 1

 

Paul: The Agenda - Part 1/3
 

Paul: Rattrap is trying to convince Silverbolt to go to a strip club where the robots are without their “torso plates.”
 

Paul: This is honestly great.

 

Me: Brah I love Transmutate, what a great episode.

Me: Love to see my heroes deciding to euthanize a [exceptional individual] in a kids show.

Paul: A [exceptional] CHILD

Me: Also the only episode that gives any depth to Rampage.

Paul: Yes.

Paul: That was legit interesting.

Me: Optimus is like I don't have time to deal with this shit, just put a pillow over its face.

Paul: Omg Black Arachnia and Dilbervolt’s relationship is like progressing!!!

Paul: 2nd base at least!

Paul: Um did Air Razor and Tigertron die?

Me: They got written off cuz they sucked.

Me: They'll be back.

Paul: I don’t understand how Black Arachnia and Silverbolt are doing it while the wild couple is still just holding hands. Would’ve expected the opposite.

Paul: It’s just like high school again.

Paul: I wonder what would have happened with Terry Schaivo if she had been able to scream people energy at people.

Paul: Omg the Predacon spy is a RUSSIAN TIGER.

Me: This is some Cold War Red Scare boomer shit.

Paul: Hahahahaha

Paul: Damn they captured Megatron!!

EPISODE 38: THE AGENDA, PART 2

Paul: Now it’s time for spy games.

Paul: Optimus got an office. Nice.

Paul: Hahaha!! Tarantulus was a mole!

Paul: Um did Inferno die?

Paul: Welp.

Paul: What a psycho. Great voice actor.

Paul: I wish he had had more of an arc.

Paul: OMG haha it plays the stupid Transformers sound effect and he turns into a cassette tape.

Paul: I am liking this 3-parter.

Me: DECEPTICONS FOREVER

Me: You may remember him as this character from the original cartoon.

Me:

Paul: He’s Boombox?

Me: He's one of the several cassettes that go inside Boombox.

EPISODE 39: THE AGENDA, PART 3

 

Paul: Um so to destroy the Maximal ship they’re going to use a comically outsized missile??

Me: They need it for the Dr. Strangelove reference.

Paul: YESSS I NOTICED THAT

Paul: Disappointed Ravage went out like a bitch though.

Me: DECEPTICONS FOREVER

Me: HAIL MOTHER CYBERTRON

Paul: They really have completely forgotten that Airrazor and Tigetron exist.

Paul: Yeah that really sucks that he died so fast.

Paul: Okay but it is ancient Earth.

Paul: And um Megatron I wrote a message on the Voyager disk? Awfully convenient.

Paul: And um they’re in the past... so the Autobot so is still in the volcano?

Paul: That’s pretty nuts.

Paul: That’s a cool twist

Paul: “Die-cast construction. It’s a lost art.”

Paul: Ha

Paul: They lost.

Me: What a melancholy conclusion.

Me: https://tfwiki.net/wiki/Die-cast

Me: "Oh yeah, scoutin the enemy. Find any new positions?"

Paul: That was pretty enjoyable as well. That was great. That and the topless robot restaurant.

Paul: I like the “adult” jokes.

Paul: This show really is a lot like Animorphs.

Paul: In certain ways. Perhaps Animorphs was more vocal on certain points where Transformers is subtle.

 

Paul:

 

Star Trek: Lower Expectations

 

The worst thing about Star Trek: Lower Decks is that it's supposed to be funny.

 

The premise is interesting, the designs are faithful to the established look of the universe, and it's written by someone who has seen Star Trek, so already it's 3-0 vs. Star Trek: Discovery and Star Trek: Picard. But they ruined all that by making it a Family Guy/Rick & Morty-style comedie joke show that makes you want to die. Just make it a regular show! You can still do jokes in a regular show. Some of the same jokes would probably actually be funny in a regular show because you wouldn't feel like you're being assaulted by them.

It's like they split the difference between making a real Star Trek show and making a funnie cartoon for college kids who watch Adult Swim. Like you're trying to get into the story and the Ensign Mariner character keeps screaming Pickle Rick jokes in your face. They've been producing new Star Trek content for three years and still haven't tried just making a regular Star Trek show. Hey, CBS All Access, Scott Bakula's still alive, why don't you make an Enterprise reunion and give the show a proper ending before the cast starts dying?

 

It isn't even that Lower Decks is aggressively stupid like Discovery or offensively bad like Picard. It's just not funny. I didn't laugh once. The strongest emotion I felt during the Lower Decks premiere was a fleeting moment of sadness when the opening credits said "Based Upon Star Trek Created by Gene Roddenberry."

You lived like a warrior ans died to an hero.

EPISODE 34: BAD SPARK 

& 

EPISODE 35: CODE OF HERO

 

Paul: Holy shit guys I think Dinobot actually died.

Me: Did you skip an episode again?

Paul: Oh whoops.

Paul: Where'd that crab guy come from?

Paul: j/k I watched both.

Paul: I liked Spark X until he became just another Predacon.

Paul: Idk he seemed scary and invincible.

Paul: Then the next episode Dinobot defeated him in 0.5 seconds.

 

Paul: Dinobot saved the astonishingly ugly monkey people, hooray.

Paul: lol infodump.

Paul: It's ancient Earth.

Robot Rankings 2

Paul: BAST ANIMULE ROBTS 1) Rattrap 2) Megatron 3) Black Arachnia 4) Dinobot 5) Waspinator 6) Rhinox 7) Optimus Primal 8) Tigertron 9) Scorponok 10) Silverbolt

Paul: I honestly don’t really like anybody past 5.

Paul: Like, they’re cool bros and I’d invite them to my birthday party but

Me: You fortgot Terrorsaur Airazor Quickstrike Cheetor Tarantino and Inferno.

Me: Plus maybe someone else after the next episode.

Paul: Oh fuck I DID forget infrerno.

Paul: Put him above Waspinator and bump the rest of them down one.

Me: Why is Silverbolt so low, don't you ship him and Blackarachnia

Paul: I ship him with Rhinox.

Me: You've got bearings of chrome steel.