Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Confusing Life and Times of Freedon Nadd

Tales of the Jedi: The Freedon Nadd Uprising

Author: Tom Veitch
Artist: Tony Akins
Medium: Comic
Publication Date: August – September 1994
Timeline Placement: 3,998 BBY
Series: Tales of the Jedi

We rejoin Arca Jeth and his apprentices on the planet Onderon, where their victory over the dark side has been undone between story arcs and the walled city of Iziz has been infiltrated by evil magicians called the Naddists. Arca believes that moving the dark-side loci of Freedon Nadd’s and Queen Amanoa’s sarcophagi to the moon of Dxun will quell the uprising. Why don’t they just shoot them into the sun? Would that turn the sun to the dark side, too?

Actually, knowing how the dark side works in these comics, it just might.

Master Thon’s student Oss Wilum arrives with the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta just as the sarcophagi are being loaded onto a spaceship. At that moment, however, the Naddists attack! Led by Warb Null, who looks like Wile E. Coyote in a Darth Vader suit, they burrow up from underground in a giant drill machine, grab the sarcophagi, and escape. Queen Galia suggests that her ancient and ailing father, King Ommin, might know something about the Naddists. Having already killed her mother, Arca decides to go for the deuce and demands a meeting with the king.

King Ommin’s bones have grown soft with use of the dark side, so he is no longer able to stand or move without the aid of a mechanical skeleton apparatus. Galia takes the Jedi to the old folks home where the king spends his days lying on a table. Arca Jeth respectfully tells the king how honored he is by this audience, then immediately starts threatening him and demanding the return of the sarcophagi. Pretending to be a confused geriatric, Ommin beckons Arca to lean closer to hear a secret, then blasts him with dark-side energy.

Standing upright in his metal exoskeleton, Ommin reveals that not only does he come from a long line of dark-side magicians, but he and his entire ancestry were trained in the dark arts by the spirit of Freedon Nadd himself. Nadd’s ghost, or at least the ghost of Nadd’s upper torso, materializes behind Ommin to disinterestedly confirm this. Warb Null and a bunch of Naddists burst in out of nowhere and battle the Jedi while Ommin escapes with Master Arca.

Warb Null’s history is never revealed in the comic itself, but according to Tales of the Jedi Companion he was once a blacksmith named Shas Dovos. Following the instructions of an ancient Sith spellbook on metallurgy, Dovos crafted a suit of armor imbued with the dark side, but his will was subsumed by the ghost haunting the book and he was cursed to wear the armor forever, becoming Warb Null, a “merging of man and metal.” I wonder how that back story will figure into his character arc through the rest of the series oh Ulic Qel-Droma just decapitated him.

Certified super-genius.

Meanwhile, Master Thon has brought his apprentices, Nomi and Vima Sunrider, to the Jedi library world of Ossus. Here, Nomi is taught to build her own lightsaber by Jedi Master Vodo-Siosk Baas, a giant lobster. Nomi spends months on Ossus training in the Jedi arts, but eventually a messenger arrives from Onderon bearing the news of Arca Jeth’s capture and the fall of Iziz to the Naddists. Master Thon and Master Vodo handpick a team of five up-and-coming young Jedi superstars to help Ulic and the others: Nomi Sunrider, blind Miraluka Jedi Shoaneb Culu, perpetually squinting Dace Diath, Nazzar prince Qrrrl Toq, and Kith Kark, whose last name is one of several Star Wars equivalents of “fuck.”

At this point we are introduced to incestuous cousin-lovers Satal and Aleema Keto, scions of the royal family of the Empress Teta system and founders of the Krath, a secret occult society for bored young one-percenters. While visiting Coruscant, Satal’s kleptomania gets the best of him and he is overcome by the desire to possess an ancient Sith artifact. Fortunately, it’s easier to shoplift from the Galactic Museum than from American Apparel and the Ketos make off with a small Sith tome. Much to his dismay, Satal realizes that he can’t read ancient Sith, but while browsing Yahoo News he learns about the Freedon Nadd Uprising and he and his cousin travel to Onderon to find someone who can translate the book for them.

Meanwhile, Nomi and her Jedi strike team land on the planet and break the Naddist siege on the Beast Rider fortress where Ulic and the others are holed up. Noticing that she is unable to employ her Battle Meditation ability, Nomi reaches into the Force to locate the source of the dark-side oppression smothering Onderon. She senses the presence of King Ommin, but his power overwhelms her and she passes out.

Ulic, Cay, Oss, and the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta come staggering out, looking haggard and hungover. One of Nomi’s indistinguishable entourage demands to know why they didn’t come out and help during the battle, and Ulic explains that the dark side has been sapping their will and stamina for months as they waited for help. Now they feel better though. Ulic is turned on by the sight of Nomi fainting and rushes over to check her out. When she regains consciousness, Ulic immediately hits on her and says that her arrival means they may finally have a chance of stopping this evil.

Also Kith Kark was killed but no one cared, because kark him.

Out in space, Satal and Aleema’s ship, the Krath Enchanter, is shot down by the Republic fleet as it deploys troops to combat the Naddists, but while Satal wets himself Aleema can feel the hand of destiny on her shoulder. They land within the walls of Iziz and are brought before King Ommin, who will give them a magical talisman that will allow them to read the Sith language if they allow his scribe, Novar, to handwrite a copy of the book first. Novar previously appeared in Queen Amanoa’s service in Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, in which he was drawn completely differently. While the Ketos wait, Ommin shows them the captured Jedi Master Arca Jeth. Ommin has him naked for some reason, suspended in a web of dark-side energy.

Suddenly Ulic, Nomi, Cay, Oss Wilum, Shoaneb Culu, Dace Diath, and the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta burst into the king’s private sanctum. The textbox specifically says that only seven Jedi are there, so I guess Qrrrl Toq just had something better to do, which makes him the smartest character in this book. Meanwhile, Cay Qel-Droma gets his arm cut off again.

King Ommin tries to bring his dark powers to bear but Ulic cuts through his metal armature, causing the king to collapse into a boneless puddle of flesh-textured jelly, much like Elvis Presley. He cries out for Freedon Nadd to save him, but Nadd’s ghost manifests only to kill Ommin himself, claiming the king’s soul for the dark side.

Satal and Aleema Keto escape during the chaos, retrieving their Sith book from the dead Novar, already murdered by Nadd’s baleful spirit. Nadd bestows on each of the youths a Sith sword from King Ommin’s treasure trove, promising that the future of the Sith rests with them. Arca Jeth gets up and puts on some clothes, impotently shaking his fist at the shade of Freedon Nadd, but Nadd promises that the Jedi have already lost, mumbles some foreshadowing about Ulic falling to the dark side, and disapparates in a pattern of horizontal green lines.

The remains of Freedon Nadd, Queen Amanoa, and King Ommin are interred on the moon of Dxun to prevent any future dark acolytes from harnessing their power. Why don’t they just shoot them into the sun? Ulic Qel-Droma asks Master Arca what Nadd meant when he said that the Jedi had already lost, and Arca reveals that the ancient Sith prophesied that the Dark Lords would one day return. “Remember, Ulic . . .,” he says, “where there is light . . . there can be no darkness.” Very pithy, Goethe, but you might want to rethink that one before adding it to your Facebook quotes.

Meditations

Tales of the Jedi is often held up as a classic EU series but we’ve gone through five of its eight story arcs and so far it’s been pretty underwhelming and mediocre. The Freedon Nadd Uprising is only two comic issues long, but I still lost interest halfway through and forgot what was happening. It almost feels like a retread of Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, without the tedious Beast Rider marriage subplot. The monarch of Iziz is secretly a dark-side devotee of Freedon Nadd who betrays the Jedi and tries to seize control of all of Onderon. Oh, no!

I would rather Ulic Et Cetera, The Saga of Et Cetera, and The Freedon Nadd Et Cetera had been folded together into a single longer story instead of split up into three short independent arcs. There’s the potential for an interesting narrative there but I think there were some major missteps in the way it was told. George Lucas gets a lot of flak for how boring the Jedi Order was in the prequels, but Veitch hasn’t done much to capture my imagination in these early arcs either. That said, the past three arcs have been mostly setup for the coming Sith War, so I maintain hope that things will pick up somewhat, for the story at least if not the characters.

Art-wise, things are pretty dire, as this book reintroduces Nomi’s absurd male-pattern-baldness look. The alien characters, however, look mostly okay and King Ommin has a cool, creepy, Boris Karloff-esque design. Onderon is still boring, but at least Galia and the Beast Riders’ role in the story is mercifully short.

As seems to be a running theme with these stories, there isn’t much to write home about. Besides Ulic Qel-Droma meeting Nomi Sunrider and the Ketos meeting Freedon Nadd, very little that happened in this arc will have an effect on the rest of the series. Dark Horse couldn’t even bother keeping it in print, making the two-issue collection of The Freedon Nadd Uprising one of the rarest Star Wars trade paperbacks, along with the two-issue trade of Empire’s End. Oh my god why am I talking about this

NYAAAAAAA

2/5 Death Stars, I don’t care!

Tales of the Jedi, the Official Audio Drama

Author: John Whitman
Medium: Audio drama
Publication Date: Apparently sometime in 1997
Timeline Placement: 4,000 – 3,998 BBY
Series: Tales of the Jedi

This is an audio adaptation of the first three Tales of the Jedi story arcs: Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, The Saga of Nomi Sunrider, and The Freedon Nadd Uprising. There is some minimal effort to weave these stories together into a single narrative, as the Nomi Sunrider portion is interspersed with two or three short scenes set on Onderon, but for the most part it just feels like three separate tales glued together end-to-front, similar to the Human Centipede.

This adaptation is delightfully cheesy and suffers from all the shortcomings you might expect of its medium, from characters awkwardly describing the scene for the listener to line readings so comically bizarre you can’t believe the director couldn’t get a better take (“My baby. It’s got my baby,” an Onderonian woman says flatly as a Dxun beast devours her child). Ulic’s voice actor is probably the weakest in the cast, seemingly incapable of delivering a reading that sounds at all natural or unstilted, but most of the performances range from acceptable to okay.

Given its structural ungainliness, John Whitman’s (better known for his Goosebumps-knockoff series, Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear) adaptation is a very faithful retelling of the comics, with a few points of curious exception, one of which is how that ungainliness affects not only the plot but the narration as well. A narrator introduces the story and chimes in again with a brief recap at the halfway mark, but at certain points Nomi Sunrider lapses into first-person narration as well. It’s very confusing and unnecessary, especially when those segments, which were clearly written as narration, are actually Nomi monologuing at other characters

There are also a lot of weird continuity errors, like Whitman wrote the whole thing in one draft and just turned it in without proofreading it for any sort of consistency. When Nomi Sunrider first sees Oss Wilum, her fake internal monologue says that she instantly sensed he was a Jedi. Later, however, when he identifies himself as a Jedi, she appears to be surprised and only then mistakes him for Master Thon.

When Ulic and the others first arrive on Onderon, they’re told that King Ommin has recently died, but shortly thereafter Princess Galia mentions that he is “dying” and no one is at all confused by this, except me. Later still, when Master Arca and the others confront Ommin for the first time, Galia tells him that she thought he was dead. What.

Galia’s attitude toward the Jedi doesn’t make much sense either. The comic explicitly states that she’s eighteen, but when Ulic and the others arrive on Onderon in the audio drama, she’s all down on them about their age, calling them “untutored youths” and mocking them for being “such young Jedi,” even though they have to be at least early-twenties.

She’s also much ruder to the Jedi when they mistakenly rescue her at her wedding, and when Ulic calls her out on allowing the Beast Riders to murder Iziz soldiers as part of her masquerade, something he doesn’t do in the comic, she dismisses the victims as “cruel men, evil men.” Even though they just seemed like normal dudes trying to do their job, and the Beast Riders easily could have just stunned them like they did Galia’s demonstrably much more evil mother.

But those soldiers “deserved to die,” says Galia. Ulic begins to protest that no one deserves to die, but the princess cuts him off to complain more about her teen problems. I’ll still take this characterization of Galia over the one in the comics, however; at least this version has a character.

Warb Null remains an uninteresting waste of time and sound editing software, but the new manner in which he is dispatched bears mentioning. Rather than the swift beheading he receives in the comic while fighting Ulic Qel-Droma, here Null is at first only maimed. Ulic severs his arm and Warb Null cries out in pain, begging for mercy. Ulic is too stoked with rage over Arca’s capture, however, and brutally murders his enemy after he had already surrendered.

Ulic never shows any signs of remorse over this cold-blooded execution and apparently no one noticed him do it because it never comes up again. It’s a pretty dark moment to just throw out there and then not comment on, but the comics probably could use more moments like this given the way that Ulic’s fall is eventually written (spoiler alert!!!).

This section of the audio play also introduces a new character named Gomie, apparently for the purpose of comic relief although he never does anything funny. I guess technically he’s not a new character since there’s an unnamed Beast Rider in the comic who does something in like one panel that Gomie does in the play but whatever. After the Beast Riders shoot down the Nebulon Ranger, the scene with the bomas is completely omitted; instead, Gomie is the dumb animal tricked by the Jedi into revealing Oron Kira’s stronghold. The last we see of him is when he unwittingly stumbles across King Ommin’s lair beneath the city of Iziz. I assumed he was killed but Wookieepedia’s entry on him mentions nothing of the sort so I’ll always wonder.

Oron Kira: “Did he say ‘die’?”
Gomie: “That’s what he said!”

Speaking of ambiguous deaths, Novar’s role is somewhat expanded in this version. He is now the one who severs Cay Qel-Droma’s arm, replacing the nameless soldier in the comic and somehow accomplishing this feat with a handheld blaster instead of a large bladed weapon. He also faces off against Oron Kira during the Beast Riders’ assault on the city. Oron is struck dumb by Queen Amanoa’s dark-side power, but Master Arca’s Battle Meditation restores his will to fight and he wrestles Novar’s knife away from him and apparently kills him with it. Apparently he doesn’t actually though since Novar still has to grow a beard and show up for one scene in The Freedon Nadd Uprising.

There are a few notable deviations in Nomi Sunrider’s story as well. We spend a lot more time with Gudb and Bogga the Hutt’s other henchmen in this adaptation, as they completely replace Finhead Stonebone and his crew in the final confrontation with Nomi and Master Thon, demonstrating just how redundant that subplot was in the comic.

Gudb is also much more proactive in discovering the Sunriders’ Adegan crystals; instead of Andur running his mouth about their precious cargo in a wretched hive of scum and villainy, Gudb and his coworkers scan each ship as it approaches the Stenness Hyperspace Terminal and detect the crystals on board. (“Adegan crystals!” exclaims Quanto joyfully. “Oh, boy, Gudb! Adegan crystals! Ho, never thought I’d ever see any, uh . . . hey, Gudb? What are Adegan crystals?” You know, that old classic.)

Also I’m not sure what the point was in making Gudb’s gorm-worm, Skritch, an intelligent accomplice instead of a trained pet. He now gleefully anticipates Andur Sunrider’s murder with a high-pitched cackle, sounding almost exactly like Jabba the Hutt’s imp in Return of the Jedi.

There’s an odd sentiment about Andur Sunrider’s death that comes up a few times. It was touched on a little in the comic and gets brought up here as well, first when Gudb mockingly chastises Andur to Nomi for splitting his focus between so many enemies and again when Oss Wilum lends his insightful commentary. “The protection of the Force is a matter of attention,” Oss explains. “A Jedi can be undone if his attention is drawn away from his attacker. Over the centuries, some opponents of the Jedi have learned to exploit this vulnerability.” Thanks for the protip, dude, but this seems like pretty common-sense stuff. “A Jedi can be undone if his attention is drawn away from his attacker,” well duh. I’m pretty sure the Jedi don’t have a monopoly on that fatal flaw.

The entire subplot with Nomi traveling to Onderon to build her lightsaber and study under Master Vodo is excised, replaced by a new scene in which Nomi and Thon go to Coruscant to address the Galactic Senate and convince them to intervene on Onderon. Master Thon is actually my favorite part of this adaptation; the whole production is dripping in cheese, from the voice acting to the sound effects to the inappropriate musical cues, but Thon has two legitimately well-written scenes that didn’t exist in the comic and I appreciated their counterbalance to lines like “That’s nothing compared to the hole I’ll make in you if you don’t freeze like an ice cube on Hoth!”

The first comes in the aftermath of Nomi’s first use of Battle Meditation against the hssiss dragons in Lake Natth. Confused by what she’s done, she returns to Master Thon’s house and asks why he’s been ignoring her all these long months, refusing to speak to her and communicating only in bestial, incomprehensible growls. For the first time, Thon says words she understands, and Nomi gasps in shock.

“Of course I speak,” says Thon. “All the time, in words and otherwise. In the Force, every moment is an oratory. . . . I have waited for you, daughter. My words have not changed, but now you have ears to hear me.” This scene has a very Star Wars-y tone and would feel right at home alongside Yoda’s meditations on Force mysticism in The Empire Strikes Back; by opening herself to the Force, Nomi has unwittingly dropped the blindfold from her eyes and can now understand the universe on a level she never realized existed before.

Thon’s second great scene comes when Nomi is about to ship off to join the fighting on Onderon. Nomi confides in him that she’s frightened of ending up like her husband and asks if she really has to go through with this. “No,” Thon answers concisely. “There is nothing you must say and no one you must see. There is nothing you must do, and nowhere you must go, Nomi Sunrider. That is the wonderful, terrible truth of life. You are putting yourself in grave danger, Nomi Sunrider. You do not have to do so.” Then he just turns and walks away.

“You know I’m too timid to be a Jedi, Andur . . . I’d rather just stay home and dye my hair.”

Despite the many shortcomings of this audio drama, I’d still recommend it over the three comics it’s adapting. Their inconsistent art, forgettable plots, and underdeveloped characters have less to offer than the unintentional comedy and weirdness of their adaptation. (My favorite scene comes when Master Arca is being tortured by King Ommin. Ulic Qel-Droma and Princess Galia calmly describe what’s happening with no sense of interest or urgency while Arca screams continuously in the background.)

And despite the many lackluster performances, hearing these characters emote flat dialogue is more interesting than reading that flat dialogue on a flat page; what little personalities they have pop that much more, and it’s easy to forget how little we care about the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta when he’s constantly exclaiming, “By the Goddess of the Twi’leks!” Listen to it if you can find it and have literally nothing better to do for 160 minutes, or if you’re compelled to experience the first three Tales of the Jedi arcs firsthand for some ineffable reason.

3/5 Death Stars on the masochism scale.

Continuity Spotlight: Freedon Nadd

 
Despite being a comparative footnote in Star Wars lore, Freedon Nadd’s history is almost as convoluted and contradictory as that of the Sith as a whole. Actually it might be even more so, because fewer authors cared as much about trying to iron it out.

It’s stated in Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon (1993) that Freedom Nads fell to the dark side and apprenticed himself to a Dark Lord of the Sith. According to Sith tradition, there could be only one Dark Lord at a time, so Nadd, knowing his potential for career advancement was severely limited in that field, went to Onderon and used his powers to make himself king.

This back story was further fleshed out in Tales of the Jedi Companion (1996), which explains that Nadd was once a gifted Jedi prodigy on the fast track to Jedi Mastership. He was put to a test by the Jedi Masters, however, when they refused to promote him from apprentice to Jedi Knight in order to gauge his response.

In confusion, he sought out Master Matta Tremayne to ask for advice, but she refused to explain what was stopping him from achieving Knighthood. After provoking him to rage, she challenged him to a lightsaber duel, and Nadd cut her down. At the moment that he did so, however, he realized that this had been his true test, and he had failed. Nadd then fled to the Sith planet of Ashas Ree to learn forbidden Sith knowledge and take his revenge on the Jedi.

At this point in Nadd’s story, the Companion contradicts Arca Jeth’s version of events. Now, rather than fleeing to Onderon out of frustration with his inability to become the Dark Lord of the Sith, Nadd killed his Sith teacher and named himself the new Dark Lord, then went to Onderon for no apparent reason.

Star Wars: The Essential Chronology (2000) established that the Dark Lord who trained Nadd was in fact our old friend Naga Sadow, which makes sense given that post-Companion canon established Sadow as the only Sith Lord still alive at the time (that would eventually be retconned as well but we’ll get to that later). Its wording is ambiguous but implies that Sadow had already died and Nadd merely encountered his ghost. The Dark Side Sourcebook (2001) backs up this idea, and further wrinkles Freedon’s Nadds by claiming that the Jedi he slew was his own personal Jedi Master, rather than some lady he didn’t know and only talked to in search of guidance.

It wasn’t long before Naga Sadow’s status returned to the original narrative in Tales of the Jedi Companion, however. In its short biography on Sadow, Star Wars: The New Essential Guide to Characters (2002) claims that he entered a state of suspended animation on Yavin 4 and that his fate after encountering Nadd remains unknown, although it is believed that he perished at his pupil’s hand.

“The Shadow of Freedon Nadd,” an article in The Official Star Wars Fact File #90 (2003), backtracked yet again, making Sadow’s existence less certain than Schrödinger’s cat’s. This article claimed that Sadow was inspired by the visitation of Marka Ragnos’s ghost to preserve his own consciousness after death. He did this by having his remaining Massassi warriors construct huge temples on Yavin 4 to focus and preserve his power.

After learning from Sadow, Nadd then destroyed his lingering spirit, a detail which I guess was meant to somewhat preserve the earlier narrative of Nadd killing his Sith predecessor when in this version that predecessor was already dead. “The Shadow of Freedon Nadd” also restored Matta Tremayne to her previous position of some random woman Nadd had never met before.

(In a completely irrelevant point, the title “The Shadow of Freedon Nadd” apparently originated as a section heading in The Essential Chronology. Evidently some editor at LFL had a real hard-on for it, because in researching this article I’ve found it reused in Fact File #90, Chronicles of the Old Republic, The New Essential Chronology, and Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force.)

Chronicles of the Old Republic (2004), an online article published by LucasArts as back story to their Knights of the Old Republic games, tweaked Nadd’s tale yet again. In this version, Nadd was already a Jedi Knight when he turned to the dark side, thus removing his entire reason for turning to the dark side.

One of the last amendments to Nadd’s story came in “Evil Never Dies: The Sith Dynasties” (2006), an article exclusive to subscribers of StarWars.com’s Hyperspace feature. Strangely, this account doesn’t mention Nadd’s tutelage under Sadow, but it does reintegrate Nadd’s journey to the Sith world Ashas Ree. On that planet, it says, he discovered a holocron belonging to Adas, the ancient king of the Sith people who drove the invading Rakata from Korriban in the centuries before the Old Republic. It was the knowledge Nadd gained from this device that allowed him to conquer Onderon.

Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force (2007) includes this account, but rather than saying that he went first to Ashas Ree and then to Yavin 4, it holds the Ashas Ree version of the story in opposition to the version involving Naga Sadow. Those stupid fictional history scholars just don’t know what to believe! Jedi vs. Sith also goes back to the idea of Matta Tremayne being Nadd’s instructor, which was reaffirmed for the last time in The Complete Star Wars Encyclopedia (2008). I think it’s also the first source since Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon to posit that Nadd fled to Onderon because he knew he could never hold his Sith master’s title.

So we have Freedon Nadd, a man who may or may not be a Jedi Knight, who kills a woman who may or may not be his own Jedi Master, then may or may not learn from Naga Sadow, who may or may not be alive, and then either kills Naga Sadow or destroys his ghost, whereupon he may or may not name himself the new Dark Lord of the Sith.
 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Final Face-Off

Me: RIP General Zhao

Me: Good character, sad he was eaten by a giant water fist.

Me: Face stealing centipede is anime as fuck.

Me: Best character, two-way tie between yak and Moomoo the lemur.

Paul: You fucking avatar hipster.

Paul: Despite all those fucking words

Paul: the fact that you're e-mailing me to talk about it proves that you loved it.

Paul: I love Ko the face-stealer.

Paul: And the last episode of the first season.

Paul: It feels very Miyazaki.

Paul: With the spirit monster killing everything.

Paul: Season 2 is the best.

Paul: Season 1 is a bit slow and goofy but

Paul: 2 really rocks.

Paul: Introduces the best female characters.

Paul: Season 1's finale was pretty fucking cool, though, huh?

Me: Yeah p cool how Avatar became a giant catfish, not sure what Totoro's creepy power was though.

Me: Yah can't get enough of strong female anime characters, have you gotten Annie too watch yet

Paul: Katara.

Paul: You cunt.

Paul: Well w/e Toroto is fine.

Paul: Totoro and her brother Soccer.

Paul: I sucked Annie's nips while she sucked my ear while we watched this show.

Me: "Season 2 is the best Season 1 is a bit slow and goofy but 2 really rocks."

Me: ^summary of Beast Wars.

The Saga of Nomi Sunrider

Tales of the Jedi #3–5: The Saga of Nomi Sunrider

Author: Tom Veitch
Artist: Janine Johnston (Issue 3), David Roach (Issues 4-5)
Medium: Comic
Publication Date: December 1993 – February 1994
Timeline Placement: 3,999 BBY
Series: Tales of the Jedi

Nomi Sunrider is the wife of Jedi Knight Andur Sunrider and the mother of little Vima, but more importantly she is a hot redhead with “blue-green” eyes so add another hash mark to that tally. Actually in the first issue of this comic she looks like a living skeleton losing a battle with male pattern baldness, but Janine Johnston’s art is so poor that I assume the author’s intention was for her to look like the MILF she becomes in David Roach’s issues.

That’s right, honeypie, work that business.

Now that we’ve spent the opening paragraph of this review degrading women, let’s jump into the plot.

Andur Sunrider is taking his family to the planet Ambria to learn from the great Jedi Master Thon. As a gift for his new teacher, Andur has brought a box of Adegan crystals for manufacturing lightsabers. While the Sunrider family stops for food at a nearby spaceport, however, some thugs in the employ of Bogga the Hutt overhear Andur running his mouth about the crystals.

Bogga orders them to obtain these precious gems and the goons move against the Sunriders by threatening their androgynous protocol droid, A-3DO. When Andur draws his lightsaber to defend the droid, one of the thugs, Gudb, sends his pet gorm-worm Skritch to attack him from behind. The small reptile-like creature sinks its fangs into Andur’s neck, killing him almost instantly.

As Nomi weeps over her husband’s dead body, Andur’s ghost appears, telling her to take up his lightsaber and defend herself against the gangsters. Prior to The Phantom Menace, in which Liam Neeson’s body did not disappear into the Force when he died, most EU stories featuring Jedi ghosts took their cue from A New Hope and Return of the Jedi and had the Jedi’s bodies fade away upon death. I think this is the only time it didn’t happen and I have no idea why. Maybe Janine Johnston had never seen a Star Wars movie.

Nomi cuts down two of her husband’s murderers with the lightsaber (“She halved Quanto!” Gudb exclaims realistically), but Gudb and Skritch escape. Andur’s ghost appears again and tells Nomi to go to the Ambria system, where she will meet Thon, the Jedi Master who would have instructed him. This sounds awfully familiar. Nomi and A-3DO pilot their ship, the Lightside Explorer, to Ambria, arriving to find that the planet is a desolate wasteland. Leaving Threedee to practice the mandolin (what the hell?), Nomi takes Vima and goes in search of Master Thon. On the way she passes an evil lake filled with voices that shout mean things at her.

Nomi and Vima come across a yellow man with weird tentacle hair riding what is clearly a Triceratops with a beard. Nomi knows instinctively that the man is a Jedi. He takes them back to his home and Nomi tells him about what happened to her husband and why she has come to meet him, but they are interrupted by Bogga the Hutt and his men stealing the Jedi’s herd of green sheep-things. The Jedi tries to fight them off but gets his ass kicked, and Nomi is shocked to see the dinosaur he’d been riding drive off their attackers with the Force. The yellow dude was just some schmuck named Oss Wilum; the dumb beast of burden was Master Thon all along! Boy this whole plot sounds awfully familiar!

“Judge me by my quadrupedalism, do you?”

Months pass as Master Thon trains Nomi in the ways of the Jedi, but she continually refuses to construct a lightsaber, forswearing the weapon as penance for killing two of her husband’s killers. Baby Vima is playing near the evil lake where Thon banished the dark energies on the planet (what?) when she is attacked by two hssiss, also known as “dark side dragons” or “basically iguanas.” Nomi uses the Force to turn them against one another, revealing her innate talent for Jedi Battle Meditation.

Meanwhile, Bogga the Hutt strong-arms pirate captain Finhead Stonebone into retrieving Nomi’s Adegan crystals for him as retribution for ripping off ore transports under Hutt protection. The only things noteworthy about this subplot are Bogga’s adorable pet hssiss lizard, Ktriss, and the fact that the ships Finhead Stonebone has been robbing are made from the hollowed-out corpses of kilometer-long Ithullian colossus wasps.

This seems wholly unnecessary in every way.

Back on Ambria, the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta (yes, he is still referred to as such in this story) pays Master Thon a visit, looking for Jedi to return to Onderon with him to help quell the Freedon Nadd Uprising, whatever that is. Master Thon is too busy training Nomi and Vima to waste his time on this nonsense, so he sends the utterly useless Oss Wilum in his place.

Thon shows Nomi a Jedi holocron with the gatekeeper avatar of Master Ood Bnar, a talking tree who is Thon’s BFF. Ood Bnar reveals to Nomi the history of the dark side in the most unspecific terms imaginable. “Sometimes people fall to the dark side and do bad things! It’s happened a lot!”

[Continuity Note: The holocron displays a succession of images of nameless dark-side conquerors, concluding with a figure in black armor hefting a red lightsaber as Ood laments that some of history’s fallen warlords were Jedi. Naturally, later EU adopted this character as King Adas, the monarch of the Sith species in a time before they ever encountered the Jedi or had lightsaber technology. One of the few things we actually knew about Adas prior to his visual depiction was that he was renowned for fighting with a giant battle ax. It’s like why even bother? Were fans clamoring that much for an identity for this one-panel flashback character from a 20-year-old comic?]

Yeah just make it the same guy, why not?

Anyway then Finhead Stonebone (Tales of the Jedi Companion reassures us that this is just one of his many aliases, because “Finhead Stonebone” is too silly a name to exist alongside such classics as Ephant Mon, Yarael Poof, Sha’a Gi, Hannah Ding, Jedi Master Baytes, and Rick McCallum) and his posse arrive on Ambria to steal the crystals. Thon gives Nomi his own lightsaber and tells her to help him fight off the pirates, but she refuses. Why the hell does a giant four-legged dinosaur have a lightsaber? Even if there was a way for him to use it without trundling around awkwardly on three legs, how is Nomi supposed to use a weapon designed to be held by giant dinosaur claws?

In frustration, Thon tells Nomi to run away and save herself, and that at least her daughter will be a great Jedi one day (oh snap!). He lumbers over to the pirates to surrender and is handcuffed with Mandalorian manacles and led away. Forced to finally get over her issues, Nomi uses Battle Meditation to turn the pirates against one another. Somehow this convinces her that killing is okay and she wades into battle with Thon’s lightsaber. She frees him and together they drive the pirates from the planet. Having finally accepted her fate as a Jedi, Nomi surrenders to Thon’s tutelage, and the narrative textbox assures us that she will have a part to play against the looming darkness that threatens to destroy the Jedi. I just hope it destroys Arca Jeth.

Meditations

This was a step up from Ulic and the Beast Wars but, while not overtly terrible, still not that great. It’s rather slow-paced and boring, which is fine, but in Star Wars there should always be sufficient excitement and adventure to counterbalance the philosophy and introspection. On that front, all The Saga of Nomi Sunrider has to offer is a series of repetitive confrontations between the Sunriders and Bogga the Hutt’s boring henchmen. The art in the first issue is terrible but becomes quite lovely with the change in pencillers for issues 2 and 3. I think these are the only two issues David Roach drew for Star Wars, which is a shame.

It’s easy to make fun of Master Thon for being a stupid dinosaur with a beard, but as with Master Ooroo, the weird-alien-Jedi-Master character is one of my favorite parts of the story. The Tchuukthai are a cool-looking alien species and are no more ridiculous as Jedi Masters than jellyfish, trees, blobs, or disembodied heads with prehensile tongues. Thon is a much more enjoyable mentor character than Arca Jeth, because when he acts like a dick to his students it’s for the purpose of actually teaching them something, not just for the sake of being a dick. Unfortunately, his role in the series will only diminish from this point, while Arca’s continues to expand.

Nomi herself has the potential to be an interesting protagonist, but I can’t help feeling that allowing her to overcome her lightsaber-phobia so early was a missed opportunity. A lot more could have been done with a lead Jedi character who refuses to wield a lightsaber and must rely solely on the Force. Still a stronger female lead than stupid Shae Koda, however.

3/5 Death Stars.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Avatalk

Me: How come the firebenders can conjure fire out of thin air but all the other ones can only control elements that are already there?

Paul: Fire is pure spirit and comes from the heart/breath/the Force/it's a kid's show.

Paul: Avatar or Korra?

Me: Avytar the Last Genderbender

Paul: Avva Tar the Lost MarsEnder

Me: Magneto: That's quite a talent you have there, Pyro.

Pyro: I can only manipulate the fire. I can't create it. [closes his hand, extinguishing the flames]

Magneto: You are a god among insects. Never let anyone tell you different.

Me: See even Bryan Singer knew that and he's a [redacted].

Paul: Marsfencer > y man

Paul: Jesus Christ

Paul: Yeah man it's Spirit.

Paul: It's in the breath.

Paul: What episode are you on?

Me: 9

Me: Only 400 more to go before I can read your article.

Paul: Remember Zuko practicing breathing, and the candles growing and shrinking with him?

Paul: Idk maybe that hasn't happened yet.

Paul: Ep.s 12 and 13 are where it starts to get gangster.

Paul: Like, I rewatched the first season and only bothered to watch 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 9, 12, 13, and the finale.

Me: That girl should be able to generate water attacks from humidity in the atmosphere.

Me: I can't suspend my disbelief for this trash.

Paul: Hahaha

Me: Why did they use real animal names for all the weird anime creatures?

Me: Never to be explained?

Paul: Hahaha

Paul: Look.

Paul: The humidity in the atmosphere prevents animals from screwing anything but other species.

Paul: In the beginning, there were just bears.

Paul: And plttpuses.

Paul: Now there are platypus bears.

Paul: This is called "progress."

Paul: The finale is pretty cool not gonna lie.

Me: Does Takaro kill someone by ripping all the moisture out of their body?

Me: Like that salt monster in Star Track.

Paul: "Takaro"

Paul: FU she's my waifu.

Paul: No she just

Paul: does something similar but creepier.

Me: How old are these characters supposed to be?

Paul: Katara's 14?

Paul: Aang is 12.

Paul: Sokka maybe 15.

Paul: Zuko's definitely 16.

Paul: Who will you ship?

Paul: Who should do whom?

Me: Socko should do that geisha who taught him genderbending in episode 4.

Paul: Hahaha

Paul: You fucker.

Me: "I'm a warrior...but I'm also a girl."

Paul: Spoilers: he totes does.

Paul: They do it hard.

Paul: This is a real show.

Paul: Man.

Paul: This is CarTender.

Paul: Not Y mans.

Paul: She geisha-kissed him.

Paul: Which is where you cüm all over the place from a kiss.

Paul: And then you are arrested for being a child.

Paul: Related: just saw an anime called Akika.

Paul: No.

Paul: Akikan.

Me: Ikea.

Paul: It's about an guy

Paul: who buys a melon soda

Paul: but the soda can is actually a pretty anime girl!

Paul: And when he drinks the soda she changes form and is kissing him omg.

Paul: Also he is a soda can otaku and has a glass case in his bedroom full of different cans.

Me: Miyazaki has really gone downhill.

Paul: He's a slutty nerd.

Me: I feel like Nickelodeon stole the six-legged flying white buffalo from one of his movies.

Me: It probably had visible genitalia there though.

Paul: Remember that catbus?

Paul: So mawaii.

Paul: Dhnd dndnc dndk. Doelsms

Paul: Ugyuuuû~~

Paul: Yeah the fireduel in ep3 is kind of the coolest thing that happens for a long time.

Me: George Takei and Michael Dorn both guest starred in like the next episode after that.

Paul: Really!

Paul: Who did they play?

Paul: The Kyoshi warrior episode?

Me: This series is several hundred episodes too short to follow anime tradition of nothing ever happening though.

Paul: Yeah I know right?

Paul: Even so, season seems slow.

Paul: They pick up in other seasons.

Paul: And Korra is BAM BAM BAM superfast.

Me: Sulu was the firebender captain of the drilling platform where the groundbenders were in jail.

Paul: Hahaha

Me: Michael was the father of the groundbender kid they met I think?

Paul: Cool.

Me: Then Worf murdered Sulu by throwing him into the ocean after he begged for mercy because he couldn't swim.

Paul: Hey, remember when the waterbender girl

Paul: what's her name, Totoro?

Me: My Neighbor Torkoal

Paul: Remember when she got that guy arrested?

Paul: Fuck Torkoal.

Paul: A fucking pokeyman based on steam.

Paul: That kid.

Paul: By telling him to earthbend.

Me: Yeah his father was Michael Dorn I think maybe.

Me: He had the anime giant double bangs.

Paul: Kawaii.

Paul: ~~

Paul: Well it's a cool show.

Paul: But it gets a lot better in the second season I think.

Paul: Not in a gay way either.

Me: Not sure if there is such thing as a non-gay cool anime.

Me: Besides Jackie Chan Adventures.

Paul: Was that good?

Me: I liked the first story arc with the magic talismans, didn't watch as much of the later arcs with the animal spirits, demons, kabuki masks, etc.

Paul: I want to watch Mike Tyson Adva

Me: I think each season was like a series of fetch quests where Jackie Chan had to collect a certain number of magical items or else demons would take over the world idk.

Me: So funni when Mike Tyrone cameoed in The Hangover.

Paul: The French title of that movie

Paul: was

Paul: (in English)

Paul: "Very Bad Trip"

Me: The French don't have a word for hangover because they are such lightweights they pass out long before they can drink enough to get one.

Paul: Gueule de bois.

Paul: "Wooden forehead" literally.

Paul: So yeah they basically don't even lift.

Paul: Should I join the Piece Core?

Paul: Or will I die?

Me: My cousin was in that for a year, he moved across country to New York to build a school, it was completely destroyed by a hurricane then the NYPD curb stomped him and threw him in jail.

Paul: That's what I call "Kent State."

Me: Hands up don't shoot

Paul: Flowers in guns don't poot

Paul: Talking with you is like swimming in a hurricane.

Paul: "You never quite know what will happen next!"

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tales of the Jedi

A Tale from the Dark Side

A female Jedi named Vara Nreem infiltrates an ancient Sith “library-temple” on the planet Krayiss Two. She tries to trick the Sith spirits guarding the temple into revealing their secrets by claiming she has come to augment her Jedi training with knowledge of the dark side, but they see through her ruse. She is immediately killed and her spirit will be tortured for the rest of eternity.

What the hell was the point of this?

1/5 Death Stars.

Tales of the Jedi #1–2: Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon

Author: Tom Veitch
Artist: Chris Gossett
Medium: Comic
Publication Date: October – November 1993
Timeline Placement: 4,000 BBY
Series: Tales of the Jedi

We pick up with Tales of the Jedi again an even 1,000 years since the previous entry in the series (the EU loves setting major events and story arcs at nice round-numbered years relative to A New Hope). This was actually the first TotJ story written, years before Kevin J. Anderson became involved with the series. When published, it was by far the earliest Star Wars story ever told, so while it feels a bit dated and slow, it still deserves credit for trying something new and actually expanding the universe in huge ways, something that much of the modern EU had given up on.

The comic opens with an introduction to our main character, Ulic Qel-Droma, and his two fellow Jedi trainees: his brother, Cay Qel-Droma, and the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta. Everyone in this story refers to him as “the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta,” like they constantly feel the need to point out that he’s an inhuman freak with tails for hair. Arca Jeth, their Jedi Master, tells them that it’s time to stop dicking around with their training and go out into the galaxy and do Jedi stuff. Their first assignment is to end the 300-year Beast Wars in the Onderon system.

No, not those Beast Wars. I wish though.

In the distant past, the atmospheres of Onderon and its moon Dxun would periodically overlap. This allowed giant winged monsters to travel from the moon and prey on the planet’s indigenous human population. I’m not sure how scientifically feasible that is but it’s a cool idea. As a result of moon monster attacks, civilization on Onderon developed inside a single, massive, walled city called Iziz. Long ago, Iziz developed the practice of casting its criminals out into the wilderness, where they eventually banded together and learned to tame and ride the Dxun beasts. These Beast Riders have been at war with Iziz ever since. Master Arca has been assigned by the senior Jedi Masters to resolve this conflict, but out of sheer laziness he’s sending his three half-trained students instead.

Ulic, Cay, and the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta arrive in the Onderon system aboard their ship, the Nebulon Ranger. Upon entering the planet’s atmosphere they are immediately attacked by Beast Riders, who try to make their space pterodactyls bite through the hull of a spaceship. Following the least tense chase scene in history, in which our heroes are in absolutely no peril at any point, the Jedi land their ship safely inside the walls of Iziz. They disembark and introduce themselves to the Onderonian welcoming committee, and the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta is promptly brutalized by the police because of space racism.

The Jedi are summoned before Queen Amanoa, seventy-year-old wife of King Ommin, who does not appear in this story because he is practicing evil sorceries in the basement. The queen introduces her eighteen-year-old daughter, Galia, heir to the throne. Suddenly a giant monster flies through the window and Galia is kidnapped right in front of the Jedi by Beast Warrior Commandos (the comic is so excited to use this term that I assume it must be capitalized).

The Jedi leave the city in pursuit of the kidnappers but their ship is immediately shot down by a seeker-torpedo and crashes in the jungle. Upon attempting to exit the ship, they find themselves surrounded by fearsome, adorable boma beasts. Fortunately, the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta possesses the rare Force talent of Beast Language, and he communicates their mission to the ravenous monsters in a series of grunts and snarls. These bloodthirsty killing machines are easily swayed by a well-reasoned argument, and they make the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta an honorary member of their tribe and allow the Jedi to ride them to the Beast Riders’ lair.

He’s surprisingly erudite for a dumb animal.

The Jedi and bomas burst in to find Galia being wedded to Oron Kira, son of reigning Beast Lord Moron Kira. Ulic tries to re-kidnap her but she claims that she wants to marry Oron. The Jedi discover that the princess’s abduction was staged because she knew she would never be allowed to marry a Beast Lord. So instead of just running away, she arranged for an invasion of her own city in which several Iziz soldiers and Beast Riders were killed. It’s like that scene in Aladdin where instead of climbing over the palace wall Princess Jasmine just has her tiger maul all the guards so she can walk out the front gate.

Princess Galia explains that she dearly loves her sweet old parents but they also happen to be evil devil-worshipping practitioners of dark-side witchcraft. Ulic is shocked to hear that the dark side of the Force is active on a world that only recently developed space travel, because I guess he thought negative emotions needed a starship to get around. Moron Kira tells the tale of how, four centuries ago, Jedi Knight Freedon Nadd, the most ludicrously named Star Wars villain since Ludo Kressh, fell to the dark side and brought the evil of the Sith to Onderon. In an unforeseen twist, it turns out that all the so-called criminals banished from Iziz, rather than being rapists and murderers, were in fact just political dissidents trying to resist the dark side!

Moron Kira has united all the Beast Riders on the planet into a giant army under his command, but Ulic makes him promise not to attack the city unless the Jedi fail to fulfill their mission and negotiate peace. They return to the city with Galia and Oron but at the sight of the Beast Lord Queen Amanoa tries to kill them immediately. “It would seem . . . I have failed Master Arca,” Ulic admits to the Beast Riders. “Do what you must. We will fight beside you. Arca would want it.” I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you on that last part, Ulic, since it’s actually the exact opposite of what he told you he wanted.

A huge battle commences, with Queen Amanoa using the dark side to sap the Beast Riders of their will to fight. During the melee, Cay Qel-Droma gets his arm cut off at the shoulder. “Unnh— My ARM!” Cay screams, adding thoughtfully, “ULLIIIIICCC! They cut off my ARRRMM!” Which to be fair is what I think most people would say in that situation. Not to worry, though, because Cay just unscrews an arm off an old droid and gets busy attaching it to his cauterized shoulder. It’s not every day that you see the two dumbest things you’ve ever seen back to back.

At that moment, a new ship appears in the sky. Jedi Master Arca Jeth has gotten off his lazy ass at last and come to save the day. Using the Jedi Battle Meditation technique popularized by Odan-Urr in the previous comic, he gives the Beast Riders the confidence to win and they instantly do. He takes his three apprentices to task for failing to resolve this conflict without his aid. The way to win was through the method that he just employed, he says, to which Ulic protests that Arca never even taught them Battle Meditation. Arca admits that this is true; there was never any way the three of them could have done anything here and hundreds of people have died because he was too lazy to do his job earlier.

What an asshole.

Arca Jeth then leads Ulic, Cay, the Twi’lek Tott Doneeta, and Princess Galia into the queen’s inner sanctum, where they find Amanoa channeling the dark energies of Freedon Nadd’s sarcophagus. Arca projects an aura of light that dispels Nadd’s lingering darkness, cutting off the queen from the power sustaining her life. She immediately collapses and dies. “You killed her,” weeps Galia. “I don’t care how evil she was . . . she was my mother . . . I loved her.” Arca claims that he didn’t kill her, he merely removed the force keeping her alive . . . which means that he killed her.

What an asshole!

Galia seems to buy this however and they all have a big party to celebrate overthrowing the dark side. Ulic asks Arca how a Jedi like Freedon Nadd, trained in the light side, could ever fall to the dark. “It has happened more than once,” Arca replies. “Fortunately it does not happen often— Ulic, my son . . . pray that it never happens to you.” And then there is a close-up panel of half of Ulic’s face looking all sinister OH MY GOD I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Meditations

Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon is on the “meh” side of all right. It was drawn by Chris Gossett, the same guy who did The Golden Age of the Sith #0, but his artwork is much better here. Not as good as it will get by the end of the series, but the comic has a certain visual style to it that you can appreciate for actually being a visual style.

Tom Veitch is a better writer than KJA but that’s saying nothing; for the most part the writing is kind of boring and the plot is pretty basic and unmemorable, with the exception of giant monsters flying down from the moon. That detail aside, Onderon is just a boring planet with a boring culture and boring fashion. Even in Knights of the Old Republic II, the missions set there are some of the more tedious in the game.

The characters have the barest frameworks of personalities, but since Ulic is the main protagonist of this series I’m hoping he gets a little more development as we move along. The only character who really stands out so far is Arca Jeth, and that’s just because of what a colossal douche he is, but I don’t think that was the writer’s intention.

Overall, ho-hum. I don’t hate it but it’s just not that interesting. I could probably just copy that sentence and use it for 99% of these reviews.

2.5/5 Death Stars.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

8 Lightsabers Worse than the One from The Force Awakens Trailer

 
By now we’ve all seen the teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. There were some cool things (unless you’re a racist), some weird things (unless you’re a soccer fan), and some stupid things (see above image). But while the Internet rages itself into a froth over Darth Abrams’s light-claymore, let’s take a moment to remember that this is nowhere near the first poorly designed and functionally useless lightsaber variant to grace the Star Wars franchise. Here are eight more, some of which are even dumber!

1. The Double-Bladed Lightsaber



I don’t claim to know much about melee weapons, but I’m pretty sure that one of the chief benefits of a staff is its reach. I’m also pretty sure that that advantage is completely negated when you can only touch the middle 20% of the weapon without cutting your hands off. Popularized by Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace, the double-bladed lightsaber was actually an Expanded Universe invention, first used by the fallen Jedi Knight Exar Kun in the Tales of the Jedi comics. Star Wars lore would have you believe it’s much deadlier than the standard single-blade version, and that may be true, but only because the double-saber’s drastically limited range makes its user much more likely to cut himself in half than his opponent.

It looks freaking sweet, though, and that’s all that matters.

 

2. The Curved-Handle Lightsaber



George Lucas gave this weapon to Christopher Lee in Attack of the Clones because it was supposed to emphasize his elegant fencing style of lightsaber combat. This is such a slight tweak of the basic lightsaber design it’s hard to find fault with it. Or at least it used to be, until, like so many other cool elements from the movies, the ceaseless Star Wars marketing machine took it too far and made it stupid. Asajj Ventress, a character from the animated series The Clone Wars and the Expanded Universe Clone Wars multimedia campaign, was such a badass she had to use two curved lightsabers, which she would sometimes link together to make an even more impractical double-bladed lightsaber.



It’s like the best of both worlds, if both worlds were made of garbage.

 

3. The Forked Lightsaber



One of the most infrequently seen lightsaber variants in the EU, this is basically a normal lightsaber with a second, much shorter blade emitted at a 45-degree angle just below the main blade. I have no idea what function it’s supposed to serve, besides severing your fingers if your hand slips too far up the hilt. Of all these weird variations, this is probably the closest to the one in the teaser trailer, but I’ll go on record as preferring the teaser version. I don’t even know what this one is supposed to be.

 

4. The Lightwhip



Somebody said, “You know, the lightsaber is pretty cool, but it just doesn’t violate enough laws of physics for me. How about a weapon made of light that’s not only a fixed length, but doesn’t even stay in a straight beam?” Personally, I don’t even mind this variation in principle, as it’s a fairly logical extension of the lightsaber concept in a science-fantasy setting. But if we’re taking J. J. Abrams to task for goofily improbable ideas, however, let’s consider everything he had to work off of.

 

5. The Light-nightstick



It’s a short-bladed lightsaber except you hold it by a little handle perpendicular to the main handle. Why not? Why not hold your sword like a gun and run at people with it? Unless you were planning to need your forearm or elbow afterward, I guess.

6. The Light-nunchuks



Easily the most useful lightsaber variant. I cannot foresee any possible negative outcome or disadvantage here.

 

7. The Light-What-The-Hell-Is-This



This is the weapon of the Inquisitor, the main villain on the animated series Star Wars: Rebels. Although it looks like it was based on a children’s toy, this lightsaber actually originated as an unused concept from The Force Unleashed, a videogame best known for the sequences in which its protagonist catches a falling Star Destroyer with the Force, founds the Rebel Alliance, kicks Darth Vader’s ass, battles the Emperor to a standstill, and makes out with a hot blonde with a British accent. This lightsaber’s ring can rotate independently of the handle, rapidly spinning the blades. It probably looks awesome if you’re ten. In really dire straits, the Inquisitor can separate his weapon into two single-bladed lightsabers and a deadly Frisbee.

Seriously though how could this ever help you in any way?

 

8. Lord Nyax



“This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.”

You know, suddenly that trailer doesn’t look so bad anymore.