97.5%

Me: DARTOWER just updated.

Ben: Oh what.

Me: CHECK IT OUT.

Ben: An epic update.

Ben: Took me this long to read it.

Me: This is the one the fans have been waiting for.

Ben: How are we going to top this.

Me: Tell me what has happened since then.

Ben: Okay well

Ben: I texted that to you during the Trashcan Man chapter.

Ben: Like right as he was looking at the bug caught in the gas.

Ben: And I STAND by my implication that Ranflagg is assembling some horsemen.

Ben: Although they might not be traditional horsemen.

Ben: Like maybe that girl who fucked the deaf guy will be the horseman of being a bitch.

Ben: But Lloyd is mos def famine.

Ben: And thus far I am two chapters into BOOK TWO.

Ben: I was refreshed by how long they were, for Stephen King chapters.

Ben: None of this bullshit with combined chapter headings taking up more room on a page than the rest of the text.

Me: Hahaha

Me: That's not a thing that ever happened.

Ben: Maybe once.

Ben: Maybe he's saving that for DTVII.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: I am liking the first two chapters of the second book.

Ben: Larry has finally become a not-boring character.

Ben: But Stephen had to balance this by introducing Stupid Oracle Dame and Stupid Pygmy Boy.

Ben: But I did like the retarded guy.

Ben: And I really loved Trashcan Man, but that was from the previous book.

Ben: I hope Trashcan Man makes it to Roland's world.

Me: Why do you like Trash so much?

Ben: He's just cool.

Ben: I like his style.

Ben: Also Stephen is doing something with parallelism.

Ben: Either that or he's just really unimaginative.

Ben: Like little things.

Ben: I notice it with food a lot.

Ben: All the characters eat the same food at different points.

Me: What food?

Ben: Like Larry and Rita will go eat some steaks and french fries and strawberry rhubarb pie

Ben: and then a chapter later the pregnant lady will be compelled by pregnancy to stare fixedly at a strawberry pie with such intensity that she lets her homemade french fries nearly burn the house down.

Ben: And then the Trashcan Man will sit at the car wash eating a peanut butter and jelly and tomato and mustard sandwich

Ben: and then Larry or Stu or whoever will be eating PB&J shortly thereafter.

Ben: Wait.

Ben: My new theory is that whenever Stephen King gets hungry, he writes six chapters about his characters eating what he's eating.

Ben: This parallels another theory of mine, which is that whenever Stephen King gets horny he introduces a new female character.

Me: How many new female characters has he introduced?

Ben: I don't have an exact figure.

Ben: But every time he introduces a character he cannot help but include one or more passages describing their breasts.

Ben: To Stephen King, the archetypal female is just an enormous pair of disembodied breasts, jiggling fetchingly.

Me: Hahahaha

Me: Where are all the characters at right now?

Me: Have they started meeting up yet?

Ben: They are all making their way towards Nebraska.

Ben: Although there is a typo in that at one point he writes "Colorado" rather than "Nebraska."

Ben: A little confused by that.

Ben: This upcoming chapter will be about the old black lady who makes her own biscuits.

Me: How can you tell?

Ben: Because I skimmed the first page of the next chapter.

Me: Has anyone died yet?

Ben: Just 97.5% of the human race.

Ben: No great loss.