Still Standing

Me: WELL

Ben: 102 pages.

Ben: There's just too much.

Ben: There's no way I can even offer any sort of meaningful critique.

Ben: THE STAND is THE STAND.

Me: You must tell me everything.

Ben: You'll have to wait for me to go back to school for my English degree so I can write my second comp on it.

Me: What is even happening now?

Ben: Uh.

Ben: House exploded.

Ben: Old lady came back, died.

Ben: With a disappointing amount of fanfare or poignancy.

Ben: Giggle Bitch is a woman.

Me: Did they make their STAND against evil yet?

Ben: Fuck no.

Ben: It's only been 900 fucking pages.

Ben: I've only just gotten to the second chapter of book III (THE STAND).

Ben: Really wondering now how he's going to cram all that much standing into these last 100 pages.

Me: I will name a character and you say what has happened to them since last we talked.

Me: That fat kid.

Ben: Who?

Me: The fat kid

Me: who was always eating some stupid candy.

Ben: You mean Harold Lauder?

Me: Sure.

Ben: Yeah he's the only genuinely interesting character in the book at this point.

Me: Hahahaha.

Ben: Well wait.

Ben: Maybe Larry.

Me: Who?

Ben: Fuckin' singer dude.

Ben: But he needs to actually do something.

Ben: At this point our main characters are reduced to GLEN BATEMAN, adventurer sociologist, STU REDMAN a.k.a. EAST TEXAS a.k.a. LEADER OF THE CREW, RALPH (expendable), and LARRY (???).

Me: Who the fuck is Ralph?

Me: Was he a mechanic?

Ben: He's the guy who I'm putting good odds on being the one who is supposed to die on the way to Vegas, as foretold cryptically by the dying old woman.

Ben: Because "WHO?" is the correct response.

Me: What about the blind/deaf guy?

Ben: Fuckin' exploded.

Ben: In some kinda heroic sacrifice that accomplished nothing.

Ben: Shielded the rest of the crew from the explosion with the rapidly disintegrating remains of his corpse

Ben: to no effect.

Me: Hahahahaha.

Me: That's right.

Me: Then the old black lady was like "I thought he was going to be important but he wasn't."

Me: So East Texas had to step up and be the hero.

Ben: Yeah it's a shame because Nick (deaf dumb blind guy) was also the only other genuinely interesting character.

Ben: Then I guess Stephen just got tired of him.

Me: What about Trashcan Man?

Ben: Oh right Trash.

Ben: Trash is cool.

Ben: Doesn't get enough screen time.

Ben: Hope he meets up with Roland.

Ben: Wildly speculating at how this will relate to our quest for the Dartower.

Ben: THE JUDGE mentioned KA in his inner monologue as he attempted to trap the Walkin Dude's KA in a dying crow's body.

Ben: And I really hope that single reference was not the entire point of me reading this book.

Me: Hahahaha.

Me: You're not enjoying it any longer?

Ben: Man why is this book even called THE STAND?

Ben: He's going to wrap this up in about six pages.

Ben: Six total pages of STANDING.

Ben: That's 0.5% of the book.

Ben: The book called THE STAND.

Ben: Maybe he ought to have called it THEY KINDA DICK AROUND FOR ONE THOUSAND PAGES.

Me: Did you enjoy the town hall meetings?

Me: I liked the part where they passed resolutions.

Ben: This book is like listening to Brandon talk about how he would survive the zombie apocalypse.

Me: Then Richard bursts in and throws Shane out the window.

Ben: And then his best-laid plans would all be for naught due to Shane's deception.

Ben: Haha.

Me: I can't believe that bastard sold us out like that.

Me: Running naked down the streets with a knife in his hand.

Ben: To be fair we probably deserved it.

Ben: Barging in like that as he plowed Dominika.

Ben: Ploughed?

Ben: How would you spell this verb that he did to Dominika?

Me: "Fucked."

Ben: That'll do.

Me: That'll do, pig.

Me: What is the man in black up to these days?

Ben: Wandering around and giving his orders to his minions to carry out essential tasks, and then standing nine feet away and watching them as they completely fuck it up and then punishing them for it.

Me: Did he totally fucking devour that dude yet?

Ben: Totally did, presumably.

Me: What about the pregnant bitch?

Me: Not the giggle bitch, the other one.

Ben: Hasn't devoured her yet, sadly.

Ben: Oh who?

Me: The one with the wild jungle kid.

Me: Nadine?

Ben: Oh she isn't pregnant yet, just foreshadowed to be.

Me: Oh man you still have a ways to go yet.

Ben: ;_;

Me: M-O-O-N, that spells "finish it."