To See if I Still Feel

Ben: Did you copy out all the blog material yet?  

Ben: Can I not worry about closing this window?  

Me: Facebook saves everything forever.  

Ben: Right but they save it for themselves.  

Ben: No guarantee that you'll be able to get to it.  

Ben: I spent all weekend on this fucking book so now it's your turn to make some text red and other text blue, and capitalize things appropriately.  

Ben: We must all make sacrifices.  

Ben: Btw I'm gonna use both http://a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/7/8dfb9868469ae84459bf55ea9ce6c9a9/l.jpg and http://s4.photobucket.com/user/Willborne/media/tlsoe-2.jpg.html for profile pics.  

Ben: When they are done I will let you decide which one to actually use.  

Ben: Because two Dark Tower references is just too many.  

Me: Those books are beloved, don't be ashamed to show your fandom.  

Ben: Gonna get two tattoos.  

Ben: A rose on the left wrist.  

Ben: A keyhole on the right.  

Ben: Then I will slit them both.

Wolves of the Calla

Ben: I'm amused that, when SK included a quote from Roland prior to the first page of the book, he actually got the quote wrong. 

Ben: I swear to god, if the mysterious book that Roland found in that cave is a copy of WOLVES OF THE CALLA then I am going to flip my shit. 

Ben: Even more so if the reason if it's valuable is because the quote is wrong in the front. 

Ben: I can already tell that Rosa's going to die, because Roland is fucking her. 

Ben: This is a theme, you see. 

Ben: Stephen King is incredibly jealous of any character who tries to steal away his bff. 

Ben: I'm really fucking pissed that they keep going to New York but they don't even TRY to bring more guns out. 

Ben: Like 

Ben: seriously. 

Ben: PLATES. 

Ben: OMFG PLATES. 

Ben: No dude. 

Ben: Just 

Ben: go get one more gun. 

Ben: That's all you need. 

Ben: Also like do you SERIOUSLY just have infinite ammo? 

Ben: DARTOWER BOOK 6: THE PLATESLINGER. 

Ben: One gun.

Ben: A box of ammo. 

Ben: There you go. 

Ben: It's 1977 AMERICA. 

Ben: They don't do background checks! 

Ben: Walk in. 

Ben: Get gun. 

Ben: You're set. 

Ben: "I'd not kill you unless I had to, Slightman, because I love my own boy. You must understand that much, don't you? To love a boy?" 

Ben: Hahahahahaha. 

Ben: I can't believe 

Ben: they actually name-dropped Harry Potter. 

Ben: Well done. 

Ben: ... 

Ben: Hey Stephen King. 

Ben: Go fuck yourself. 

Ben: END OF BOOK 5.

Me: Your conclusion will require more elaboration. 

Ben: Hey Stephen King. 

Ben: Go grind some chili peppers on a sharpened ten-foot wooden pike and then slowly drive it into your asshole. 

Me: What is this anger based on? 

Ben: The fact that they actually found a copy of [JERU]SALEM'S LOT. 

Ben: I mean 

Ben: you know me. 

Ben: I'm all about meta. 

Ben: But 

Ben: it's just stupid. 

Me: At least it wasn't THE DARK TOWER V: WOLVES OF THE CALLA. 

Ben: If they had, you'd be getting back a shoebox full of ashes. 

Me: But Ben, they told you from the beginning that the Dark Tower unites all realities. 

Me: Of course that includes our own as well. 

Ben: It's just silly. 

Ben: It's too silly. 

Ben: Completely ruins the tone. 

Me: Hahaha. 

Ben: Can't suspend disbelief anymore 

Ben: with Callahan gripping his head and scream I AM NOT A CHARACTER. 

Ben: Did not so much to scream as speak boxer dog. 

Me: Whale whales whaling whales. 

Ben: Hahahahahaha. 

Ben: Srsly are you sure that Stephen King isn't a pseudonym for AaronLint? 

Me: How does the book end? I don't remember. 

Ben: They spend a long time setting up to shoot wolves in a canyon. 

Ben: Then at last they do. 

Ben: And it's a bit anticlimactic. 

Ben: Then in the ensuing revelry Susannah slips off to have her chap 

Ben: then steals the evil ball and leaves via the doorway 

Ben: locking them out of it. 

Ben: So, good news is that Callahan has replaced Susannah in their ka-tet. 

Ben: Bad news is that now Callahan is having an existential crisis over whether or not he is a fictional character. 

Ben: And you are obviously supposed to be like "oh what a clever plot twist" 

Ben: but no in your head you are just saying NO FUCK YOU STEPHEN KING BECAUSE HE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. 

Me: Who's to saw what is real and what is fiction? 

Ben: I am 

Ben: and it's dumb. 

Me: Maybe we are all fictional characters in the dream of God. 

Ben: No. 

Ben: My life is too boring to be fictional. 

Me: And maybe that God's name is Stephen King. 

Ben: Granted 

Ben: my life may not be too boring to be a Stephen King book. 

Me: Hahahaha. 

Me: After this entry our readers will be so excited to read your review of Song of Susan. 

Ben: Note that if your theological theory is true, it means that Stephen King created a universe in which Stephen King wrote a book in which Stephen King is a character. 

Me: Hold on while I screencap this for later. 

Ben: AREN'T YOU CTRL+C'ING ALL OF THIS FOR THE BLOG? 

Me: BLOGGING IS HUNGRY WORK. 

Me: What are your thoughts on Walter Flag the dark man's characterization in this book? 

Ben: He retconned a bloody eye onto his head. 

Ben: Also 

Ben: um 

Ben: he appears in like one scene. 

Me: But he is Roland's greatest nemesis. 

Ben: HE IS DEAD. 

Me: AGAIN? 

Ben: Died in book one. 

Ben: Forever. 

Me: No they explain later that that was just a skeleton he found and dressed up in his clothes to fuck with Roland. 

Ben: Haha. 

Ben: Also 

Ben: I am sad that I didn't still have the first shoebox to cross-reference page 119 of Salem's Lot with the excerpts from WOTC. 

Me: You mean where Stephen King just copied and pasted whole pages out of Salem's Lot and then italicized them to show they were a flashback? 

Ben: Yeah. 

Ben: Wait. 

Ben: No. 

Ben: The parts at the end where they are, in-universe, literally quoting the book itself. 

Me: Feel your mind expanding! 

Ben: I do have a headache but it's probably just a carbon monoxide leak. 

Me: Did your canary drop dead? 

Ben: Think I'm gonna go lie down and vomit for a while. 

Me: I have been this whole time. 

Ben: Tbf this is my typical reaction after spending an entire weekend reading Stephen King. 

Ben: Anyway 

Ben: I won't be doing this again for a while. 

Ben: The purpose of this weekend was to get this monkey off my back 

Ben: so that I can do all the other stuff that I need to get done and not feel bad about leaving KA IS A WHEEL in the lurch. 

Me: You read Stephen King and quit heroin at the same time.

Ben: Well I quit video games two weeks ago so, basically yes.

I Plow My Sister

 

Ben: "I plow my sister."

Eddie's jaw dropped. "You're shitting me!"

"Not at all. I'd plow Zal, too--he's bigger, as ye saw, and even stronger--but not as bright. More trouble than it's worth. I've tried.

Eddie shook his head, feeling dazed. Their shadows ran out long over the lumpy earth, with its crop of reed and thistle. "But... man... she's your sister!"

"Aye, and what else would she do all day? Sit outside the barn door and watch the chickens? Sleep more and more hours, and only get up for her taters and gravy? This is better, believe me. She don't mind it."

[...] "she pulls like the devil and laughs like a loon."    

 

Ben: You'd think I'd be more off-put by this, but I'm just happy to see that Stephen King's no longer strictly trying to appeal to the nambla crowd. 

 

Me: Wait is this an actual passage from the book? 

 

Ben: Unless you've think I've internalized SK's writing style to such a profound degree.  

 

Me: Well you said you were writing an erotic fanfiction. 
 

Ben: Not set in the Dartower universe. 
 

Ben: You think I wanna get sued? 
 

Me: What is the context of this passage 
 

Ben: Does it really matter? 
 

Ben: Dude's plowing his sister. 
 

Me: Well they might have passed into the incest world. 
 

Ben: I'm actually enjoying the middle part of the book. 
 

Ben: The beginning was boring. 
 

Ben: Took forever to get anywhere. 
 

Ben: But the middle parts feel like the good parts of... whichever book was about Roland getting laid. 
 

Ben: Which, actually, weren't the parts about Roland getting laid. 
 

Me: The one where the whole book was a flashback? 
 

Ben: Yes. 
 

Ben: Well. 
 

Ben: The first book where the whole book was a flashback. 
 

Me: lol 
 

Ben: Because there have been two of those so far. 
 

Me: How fluidly does Keyhole Rose's retconned existence transition into this book? 
 

Ben: Something something Directive 29. 
 

Ben: Or, 19. 
 

Ben: Whatever arbitrary number. 
 

Me: No it's like the numbers on Lost. 
 

Ben: What I am saying is 
 

Ben: p sure that the robot 
 

Ben: from the innermost tale 
 

Ben: in book IV.V 
 

Ben: also mentioned that directive 
 

Ben: so it feels a little bit like planning ahead 
 

Ben: even though you know in your heart of hearts that he was just pulling it out of his ass. 
 

Me: Hahaha. 
 

Ben: God do you even remember what happens in these books? 
 

Ben: Break out that first shoebox and review. 
 

Me: No remember in the first book the man in black tells that bitch the secret message of 19 which is the number of death maybe? And then when she says it out loud the whole town tries to kill Roland. 
 

Ben: Haha really? 
 

Me: I think. 
 

Ben: Completely forgotten such minutiae. 
 

Me: Every time you start a new book you need to reread all the previous ones beforehand. 
 

Me: What percent are you through this book and did they find the priest from Dracula yet? 
 

Ben: That was what I did with every Harry Potter book. 
 

Ben: Be glad that this saga will only take me nine years rather than ten. 
 

Ben: I am like 5/9ths through the book. 
 

Ben: Been reading it since 10:00 a.m. 
 

Ben: Powering through it. 
 

Me: Yeah fuck that book. 
 

Ben: Language! 
 

Ben: Don't say anything to taint the blog. 
 

Me: Yeah make forceful love to that book. 
 

Ben: This will be your life's work. 
 

Ben: Think of your mother, coming across this passage 
 

Ben: where you then force her to imagine me penetrating a book with my penis 
 

Ben: which 
 

Ben: to be fair 
 

Ben: I'm sure I have alluded to several times over the length of this blog 
 

Ben: but those were all consensual. 
 

Me: The Dartower is the sluttiest of all the epic 7-book fantasy series. 
 

Ben: Do you mean that BOOK 7 OF DARTOWER: DARTOWER is the sluttiest book of the DARTOWER series, or are you saying that DARTOWER the series is sluttier than HARRY POTTER? 
 

Me: The series. 
 

Me: Wind of the Roses doesn't count toward the number, it's a spinoff like those textbooks J.K. Rowling wrote about Quidditch. 
 

Ben: I owned 
 

Ben: all of those. 
 

Ben: Little notes in the margins from Harry and Ron and Hermieone. 
 

Me: Those were the only interesting part. 
 

Me: It was literally like a textbook. 
 

Ben: A twenty-page textbook. 
 

Me: Like one of those insipid history books you can read in The Elder Scrolls. 
 

Me: Why would anyone do this? 
 

Ben: Hey man. 
 

Ben: You are just reading EXCERPTS. 
 

Ben: The books themselves are obviously longer. 
 

Me: I will excerpt your face. 
 

Me: Did they reveal the secret meaning behind the Harry Potter font yet? 
 

Ben: Well as long as you cite it. 
 

Ben: No they didn't. 
 

Ben: I noticed it again 
 

Ben: and remembered you saying there was hidden meaning.

Me: Oh man. 
 

Me: You are in for a treat. 
 

Ben: Well I mean like 
 

Ben: the book has snitches or whatever. 
 

Ben: Snitches that fly into your chest and shred your organs. 
 

Me: Sneetches. 
 

Ben: Is that the allusion? 
 

Ben: Is that literally all it is? 
 

Me: I think. 
 

Ben: Or does Roland pull Sirius Black out of the doorway that he falls into in book 5? 
 

Me: No that was the doorway to death. 
 

Ben: Right. 
 

Ben: The Dark Tower. 
 

Ben: Also 
 

Ben: what was the name of the book 
 

Ben: with the yellowjacket men 
 

Ben: and the little boy 
 

Ben: and the old guy who is hiding from the yellowjackets? 
 

Me: The one about hearts and Atlantis. 
 

Ben: Is that the one? 
 

Ben: Right. 
 

Me: Yeah. 
 

Ben: I couldn't remember it 
 

Ben: because it was a fucking short story. 
 

Me: No it was like five short stories. 
 

Me: But two were actually pretty long. 
 

Ben: Still your favorite King book though. 
 

Me: No IT is. 
 

Me: That's not on your reading list tho. 
 

Me: Fuck the Nostalgia Critic. 
 

Ben: Was the review worth it? 
 

Me: I don’t remember but none of his reviews were ever worth it so no. 
 

Ben: Haha. 
 

Me: He's your idol. 
 

Me: Did you watch this? 
 

Me: http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/40344-nostalgia-critic-les-miserables-musical-review 
 

Me: I had to shut it off after three minutes. 
 

Ben: Is it worth it? 
 

Me: Well Linkara sings in it so depends on what you mean by "worth it." 
 

Ben: *closes tab* 
 

Me: Idk why you are so judgmental of him, you are basically the same person. 
 

Ben: DON'T EVER COMPARE ME TO HIM. 
 

Ben: He'll never appreciate Power Rangers like I do. 
 

Me: He probably doesn't have the entire Green with Evil miniseries on VHS. 
 

Ben: I bet he's salivating at the thought. 
 

Ben: If I ever find those tapes I'm going to burn them. 
 

Ben: Just to spite him. 
 

Me: Oh did Father Alcoholicirishpriest O'Grady recap his backstory from that other book Elton John yet? 
 

Ben: Yeah. 
 

Me: Is he still your favorite? 
 

Ben: Haha. 
 

Ben: Yeah. 
 

Me: How do you think he will integrate into the dynamic of the ka-tet? 
 

Ben: Well 
 

Ben: hopefully Susan will be dead 
 

Ben: because she is the worst character 
 

Ben: and then he can sit in her wheelchair while Eddie pushes him around. 
 

Ben: Really I can only see this ending well. 
 

Ben: You can tell that Susannah dies in this book 
 

Ben: because SK wanted everyone to look at the next book in the series and be like,
SONG OF SUSANNAH oh then surely she won't die in this book. 
 

Ben: End like. 
 

Ben: But then, mind reak. 
 

Ben: Cris Angle mind reak. 
 

Me: What is your prediction for how the series will end + who will live/die? 
 

Ben: Everyone will die. 
 

Ben: Except Roland. 
 

Ben: Roland will leap out of the book 
 

Ben: and into our world 
 

Ben: and be Stephen King's best real world friend 
 

Ben: forever. 
 

Me: Do you want me to tell you what percent accurate that is? 
 

Ben: No. 
 

Ben: I will cut you. 
 

Ben: "Your Man Jesus seems to me a bit of a son of a bitch when it comes to women," Roland said. "Was he ever married?"

The corners of Callahan's mouth quirked. "No," he said, "but His girlfriend was a whore." 
 

Ben: See, this is why Callahan is the best character. 
 

Me: Because he had a crucifix carved into his head by Nazis. 
 

Ben: Nazis who apparently don't know what a swastika looks like. 
 

Me: Dude they are fucking hard to draw. 
 

Ben: |
--- 
Ben: FUCK. 

Ben: I give up.