Wolves of the Calla

Ben: I'm amused that, when SK included a quote from Roland prior to the first page of the book, he actually got the quote wrong. 

Ben: I swear to god, if the mysterious book that Roland found in that cave is a copy of WOLVES OF THE CALLA then I am going to flip my shit. 

Ben: Even more so if the reason if it's valuable is because the quote is wrong in the front. 

Ben: I can already tell that Rosa's going to die, because Roland is fucking her. 

Ben: This is a theme, you see. 

Ben: Stephen King is incredibly jealous of any character who tries to steal away his bff. 

Ben: I'm really fucking pissed that they keep going to New York but they don't even TRY to bring more guns out. 

Ben: Like 

Ben: seriously. 

Ben: PLATES. 

Ben: OMFG PLATES. 

Ben: No dude. 

Ben: Just 

Ben: go get one more gun. 

Ben: That's all you need. 

Ben: Also like do you SERIOUSLY just have infinite ammo? 

Ben: DARTOWER BOOK 6: THE PLATESLINGER. 

Ben: One gun.

Ben: A box of ammo. 

Ben: There you go. 

Ben: It's 1977 AMERICA. 

Ben: They don't do background checks! 

Ben: Walk in. 

Ben: Get gun. 

Ben: You're set. 

Ben: "I'd not kill you unless I had to, Slightman, because I love my own boy. You must understand that much, don't you? To love a boy?" 

Ben: Hahahahahaha. 

Ben: I can't believe 

Ben: they actually name-dropped Harry Potter. 

Ben: Well done. 

Ben: ... 

Ben: Hey Stephen King. 

Ben: Go fuck yourself. 

Ben: END OF BOOK 5.

Me: Your conclusion will require more elaboration. 

Ben: Hey Stephen King. 

Ben: Go grind some chili peppers on a sharpened ten-foot wooden pike and then slowly drive it into your asshole. 

Me: What is this anger based on? 

Ben: The fact that they actually found a copy of [JERU]SALEM'S LOT. 

Ben: I mean 

Ben: you know me. 

Ben: I'm all about meta. 

Ben: But 

Ben: it's just stupid. 

Me: At least it wasn't THE DARK TOWER V: WOLVES OF THE CALLA. 

Ben: If they had, you'd be getting back a shoebox full of ashes. 

Me: But Ben, they told you from the beginning that the Dark Tower unites all realities. 

Me: Of course that includes our own as well. 

Ben: It's just silly. 

Ben: It's too silly. 

Ben: Completely ruins the tone. 

Me: Hahaha. 

Ben: Can't suspend disbelief anymore 

Ben: with Callahan gripping his head and scream I AM NOT A CHARACTER. 

Ben: Did not so much to scream as speak boxer dog. 

Me: Whale whales whaling whales. 

Ben: Hahahahahaha. 

Ben: Srsly are you sure that Stephen King isn't a pseudonym for AaronLint? 

Me: How does the book end? I don't remember. 

Ben: They spend a long time setting up to shoot wolves in a canyon. 

Ben: Then at last they do. 

Ben: And it's a bit anticlimactic. 

Ben: Then in the ensuing revelry Susannah slips off to have her chap 

Ben: then steals the evil ball and leaves via the doorway 

Ben: locking them out of it. 

Ben: So, good news is that Callahan has replaced Susannah in their ka-tet. 

Ben: Bad news is that now Callahan is having an existential crisis over whether or not he is a fictional character. 

Ben: And you are obviously supposed to be like "oh what a clever plot twist" 

Ben: but no in your head you are just saying NO FUCK YOU STEPHEN KING BECAUSE HE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. 

Me: Who's to saw what is real and what is fiction? 

Ben: I am 

Ben: and it's dumb. 

Me: Maybe we are all fictional characters in the dream of God. 

Ben: No. 

Ben: My life is too boring to be fictional. 

Me: And maybe that God's name is Stephen King. 

Ben: Granted 

Ben: my life may not be too boring to be a Stephen King book. 

Me: Hahahaha. 

Me: After this entry our readers will be so excited to read your review of Song of Susan. 

Ben: Note that if your theological theory is true, it means that Stephen King created a universe in which Stephen King wrote a book in which Stephen King is a character. 

Me: Hold on while I screencap this for later. 

Ben: AREN'T YOU CTRL+C'ING ALL OF THIS FOR THE BLOG? 

Me: BLOGGING IS HUNGRY WORK. 

Me: What are your thoughts on Walter Flag the dark man's characterization in this book? 

Ben: He retconned a bloody eye onto his head. 

Ben: Also 

Ben: um 

Ben: he appears in like one scene. 

Me: But he is Roland's greatest nemesis. 

Ben: HE IS DEAD. 

Me: AGAIN? 

Ben: Died in book one. 

Ben: Forever. 

Me: No they explain later that that was just a skeleton he found and dressed up in his clothes to fuck with Roland. 

Ben: Haha. 

Ben: Also 

Ben: I am sad that I didn't still have the first shoebox to cross-reference page 119 of Salem's Lot with the excerpts from WOTC. 

Me: You mean where Stephen King just copied and pasted whole pages out of Salem's Lot and then italicized them to show they were a flashback? 

Ben: Yeah. 

Ben: Wait. 

Ben: No. 

Ben: The parts at the end where they are, in-universe, literally quoting the book itself. 

Me: Feel your mind expanding! 

Ben: I do have a headache but it's probably just a carbon monoxide leak. 

Me: Did your canary drop dead? 

Ben: Think I'm gonna go lie down and vomit for a while. 

Me: I have been this whole time. 

Ben: Tbf this is my typical reaction after spending an entire weekend reading Stephen King. 

Ben: Anyway 

Ben: I won't be doing this again for a while. 

Ben: The purpose of this weekend was to get this monkey off my back 

Ben: so that I can do all the other stuff that I need to get done and not feel bad about leaving KA IS A WHEEL in the lurch. 

Me: You read Stephen King and quit heroin at the same time.

Ben: Well I quit video games two weeks ago so, basically yes.