Ben: "I plow my sister."
Eddie's jaw dropped. "You're shitting me!"
"Not at all. I'd plow Zal, too--he's bigger, as ye saw, and even stronger--but not as bright. More trouble than it's worth. I've tried.
Eddie shook his head, feeling dazed. Their shadows ran out long over the lumpy earth, with its crop of reed and thistle. "But... man... she's your sister!"
"Aye, and what else would she do all day? Sit outside the barn door and watch the chickens? Sleep more and more hours, and only get up for her taters and gravy? This is better, believe me. She don't mind it."
[...] "she pulls like the devil and laughs like a loon."
Eddie's jaw dropped. "You're shitting me!"
"Not at all. I'd plow Zal, too--he's bigger, as ye saw, and even stronger--but not as bright. More trouble than it's worth. I've tried.
Eddie shook his head, feeling dazed. Their shadows ran out long over the lumpy earth, with its crop of reed and thistle. "But... man... she's your sister!"
"Aye, and what else would she do all day? Sit outside the barn door and watch the chickens? Sleep more and more hours, and only get up for her taters and gravy? This is better, believe me. She don't mind it."
[...] "she pulls like the devil and laughs like a loon."
Ben: You'd
think I'd be more off-put by this, but I'm just happy to see that
Stephen King's no longer strictly trying to appeal to the nambla crowd.
Me: Wait is this an actual passage from the book?
Ben: Unless you've think I've internalized SK's writing style to such a profound degree.
Me: Well you said you were writing an erotic fanfiction.
Ben: Not set in the Dartower universe.
Ben: You think I wanna get sued?
Me: What is the context of this passage
Ben: Does it really matter?
Ben: Dude's plowing his sister.
Me: Well they might have passed into the incest world.
Ben: I'm actually enjoying the middle part of the book.
Ben: The beginning was boring.
Ben: Took forever to get anywhere.
Ben: But the middle parts feel like the good parts of... whichever book was about Roland getting laid.
Ben: Which, actually, weren't the parts about Roland getting laid.
Me: The one where the whole book was a flashback?
Ben: Yes.
Ben: Well.
Ben: The first book where the whole book was a flashback.
Me: lol
Ben: Because there have been two of those so far.
Me: How fluidly does Keyhole Rose's retconned existence transition into this book?
Ben: Something something Directive 29.
Ben: Or, 19.
Ben: Whatever arbitrary number.
Me: No it's like the numbers on Lost.
Ben: What I am saying is
Ben: p sure that the robot
Ben: from the innermost tale
Ben: in book IV.V
Ben: also mentioned that directive
Ben: so it feels a little bit like planning ahead
Ben: even though you know in your heart of hearts that he was just pulling it out of his ass.
Me: Hahaha.
Ben: God do you even remember what happens in these books?
Ben: Break out that first shoebox and review.
Me: No
remember in the first book the man in black tells that bitch the secret
message of 19 which is the number of death maybe? And then when she
says it out loud the whole town tries to kill Roland.
Ben: Haha really?
Me: I think.
Ben: Completely forgotten such minutiae.
Me: Every time you start a new book you need to reread all the previous ones beforehand.
Me: What percent are you through this book and did they find the priest from Dracula yet?
Ben: That was what I did with every Harry Potter book.
Ben: Be glad that this saga will only take me nine years rather than ten.
Ben: I am like 5/9ths through the book.
Ben: Been reading it since 10:00 a.m.
Ben: Powering through it.
Me: Yeah fuck that book.
Ben: Language!
Ben: Don't say anything to taint the blog.
Me: Yeah make forceful love to that book.
Ben: This will be your life's work.
Ben: Think of your mother, coming across this passage
Ben: where you then force her to imagine me penetrating a book with my penis
Ben: which
Ben: to be fair
Ben: I'm sure I have alluded to several times over the length of this blog
Ben: but those were all consensual.
Me: The Dartower is the sluttiest of all the epic 7-book fantasy series.
Ben: Do
you mean that BOOK 7 OF DARTOWER: DARTOWER is the sluttiest book of the
DARTOWER series, or are you saying that DARTOWER the series is sluttier
than HARRY POTTER?
Me: The series.
Me: Wind of the Roses doesn't count toward the number, it's a spinoff like those textbooks J.K. Rowling wrote about Quidditch.
Ben: I owned
Ben: all of those.
Ben: Little notes in the margins from Harry and Ron and Hermieone.
Me: Those were the only interesting part.
Me: It was literally like a textbook.
Ben: A twenty-page textbook.
Me: Like one of those insipid history books you can read in The Elder Scrolls.
Me: Why would anyone do this?
Ben: Hey man.
Ben: You are just reading EXCERPTS.
Ben: The books themselves are obviously longer.
Me: I will excerpt your face.
Me: Did they reveal the secret meaning behind the Harry Potter font yet?
Ben: Well as long as you cite it.
Ben: No they didn't.
Ben: I noticed it again
Ben: and remembered you saying there was hidden meaning.
Me: Oh man.
Me: Oh man.
Me: You are in for a treat.
Ben: Well I mean like
Ben: the book has snitches or whatever.
Ben: Snitches that fly into your chest and shred your organs.
Me: Sneetches.
Ben: Is that the allusion?
Ben: Is that literally all it is?
Me: I think.
Ben: Or does Roland pull Sirius Black out of the doorway that he falls into in book 5?
Me: No that was the doorway to death.
Ben: Right.
Ben: The Dark Tower.
Ben: Also
Ben: what was the name of the book
Ben: with the yellowjacket men
Ben: and the little boy
Ben: and the old guy who is hiding from the yellowjackets?
Me: The one about hearts and Atlantis.
Ben: Is that the one?
Ben: Right.
Me: Yeah.
Ben: I couldn't remember it
Ben: because it was a fucking short story.
Me: No it was like five short stories.
Me: But two were actually pretty long.
Ben: Still your favorite King book though.
Me: No IT is.
Me: That's not on your reading list tho.
Me: Fuck the Nostalgia Critic.
Ben: Was the review worth it?
Me: I don’t remember but none of his reviews were ever worth it so no.
Ben: Haha.
Me: He's your idol.
Me: Did you watch this?
Me: I had to shut it off after three minutes.
Ben: Is it worth it?
Me: Well Linkara sings in it so depends on what you mean by "worth it."
Ben: *closes tab*
Me: Idk why you are so judgmental of him, you are basically the same person.
Ben: DON'T EVER COMPARE ME TO HIM.
Ben: He'll never appreciate Power Rangers like I do.
Me: He probably doesn't have the entire Green with Evil miniseries on VHS.
Ben: I bet he's salivating at the thought.
Ben: If I ever find those tapes I'm going to burn them.
Ben: Just to spite him.
Me: Oh did Father Alcoholicirishpriest O'Grady recap his backstory from that other book Elton John yet?
Ben: Yeah.
Me: Is he still your favorite?
Ben: Haha.
Ben: Yeah.
Me: How do you think he will integrate into the dynamic of the ka-tet?
Ben: Well
Ben: hopefully Susan will be dead
Ben: because she is the worst character
Ben: and then he can sit in her wheelchair while Eddie pushes him around.
Ben: Really I can only see this ending well.
Ben: You can tell that Susannah dies in this book
Ben: because SK wanted everyone to look at the next book in the series and be like,
SONG OF SUSANNAH oh then surely she won't die in this book.
SONG OF SUSANNAH oh then surely she won't die in this book.
Ben: End like.
Ben: But then, mind reak.
Ben: Cris Angle mind reak.
Me: What is your prediction for how the series will end + who will live/die?
Ben: Everyone will die.
Ben: Except Roland.
Ben: Roland will leap out of the book
Ben: and into our world
Ben: and be Stephen King's best real world friend
Ben: forever.
Me: Do you want me to tell you what percent accurate that is?
Ben: No.
Ben: I will cut you.
Ben: "Your Man Jesus seems to me a bit of a son of a bitch when it comes to women," Roland said. "Was he ever married?"
The corners of Callahan's mouth quirked. "No," he said, "but His girlfriend was a whore."
The corners of Callahan's mouth quirked. "No," he said, "but His girlfriend was a whore."
Ben: See, this is why Callahan is the best character.
Me: Because he had a crucifix carved into his head by Nazis.
Ben: Nazis who apparently don't know what a swastika looks like.
Me: Dude they are fucking hard to draw.
Ben: |
---
Ben: FUCK.
Ben: I give up.
---
Ben: FUCK.
Ben: I give up.
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