Star Trek: Picard, Episode 5: "Stardust City Rag"

* Episode 5 is the mid-point of a series in which less has happened so far than in a TNG two-parter.

* Ok episode 5 opens with the scene RLM tweeted about with Yichem? Icheb? Igor? Ichabod? getting his eye ripped out. 

* Apparently this was a recurring character on Voyager but I'm up to the beginning of season 6 and he hasn't appeared yet.

* I'm mostly desensitized to violence and gore in entertainment media but imagine somebody who deliberately passed on all those terrible torture porn movies in the 2000s sitting down to watch the new Star Trek series that's allegedly about an elderly man finding meaning in the twilight of his life and you get some guy awake and screaming as his eye is pulled out of his skull on screen and someone is standing there examining it while it's still connected by the optic nerve and then they snip through the tubes and toss this human eyeball into a little dish and there's a closeup of this dude's bloody gaping eye socket while he's still screaming the whole time and there's not even any dramatic or narrative point to it, you just get rickrolled with almost comically gruesome gore and brutality and then the episode proceeds without a hitch.

* i love star trek!!!

* Seven of Nine burst into the room and shoots the people experimenting on Ichor but he's like "Seven it hurts too much, please kill me!" and she sadly shoots him in the heart with her phaser.

* We don't see anything wrong with him besides his missing eye but maybe he has some fatal internal injury or something.

* But Seven just got there so she should know as much as we do about what's wrong with him.

* Also this is Star Trek where they have miracle technology that can heal like literally any injury.

* So shooting him in the heart without even running a tricorder over him to see what was wrong with him seems a little extreme. 

* Maybe all he needed was an eyepatch and he would have been fine.

* Anyway she recounts all this to Picard and his crew and reveals that Ishmael was the victim of a lady crime boss named Bejazzle, who captures ex-Borg's and cuts out their Borg technology without any anesthetic, because she is Evil.

* It's not explained what exactly she does with the Borg technology, and it seems like not sedating your victims before cutting them up would just make it harder for you, but this is a show for dummies.

* It turns out that Seven and Picard have a common enemy because Bejazzle has also captured Bruce Maddox and is trying to sell him to the Jacques-Vash.

* Bruce Maddox if you remember was the antagonist in Measure of a Man who wanted to use Data's brain to create an army of android slaves, and in this show he is responsible for the creation of the organic android twins Soji and Dahj Asha (these fucking shit names).

* They come up with a plan to have Picard pose as an evil French pirate and sell Seven of Nine to Bejazzle. 

* Patrick Stewart dons an eyepatch and a ridiculous French accent while Rios dresses like a pimp.

* Agnes Gerardi stays aboard the ship to man the transporter and starts having a panic attack because she's never operated one before, despite being the galaxy's foremost expert on androids.

* I guess the two aren't necessarily related.

* While this nonsense is going on, Raffi goes off to find her son, who is elsewhere on the planet with his pregnant Vulcan (Romulan?) wife and doesn't look more than a decade younger than his "mother."

* Until their relationship was established several minutes into this interminable scene, I assumed they were supposed to be lovers.

* Raffi explains that she's "clean" now, but it's never mentioned what kind of drug she was formerly addicted to, or how chemical addiction is even still possible in Star Trek.

* I'm pretty sure Dr. Crusher could just give you a hypospray and cure that shit in five seconds.

* "Do you know how much it sucked having you as a mom?" Son asks.

* This is very Star Trek dialogue.

* Not at all jarring to hear people from 500 years in the future saying things "suck" and calling one another "dude."

* Son reveals that in addition to being an addict Raffi was also apparently an obsessive conspiracy nut who watched Alex Jones and believed that the android attack on Mars was an inside job.

* She quit space heroin and traveled all this way just to reconnect with her son but she can't keep a lid on her crazy for five minutes and starts ranting about how jet fuel can't melt steel beams.

* Son kicks her out and that's the end of this subplot.

* ...Hopefully.

* Picard delivers Seven to Bejazzle who taunts her about Itchy's death because she is Evil and Seven busts out of her trick handcuffs and grabs Bejazzle by the throat and Picard realizes "Oh no, you never cared about helping us find Bruce Maddox, you were just in this for revenge!"

* He gives her the lamest Picard speech ever about how killing is wrong but Seven relents and they get Bruce Maddox and have Agnes beam them back to the ship.

* An earlier scene revealed that Maddox and Agnes are lovers, as conveyed by having Agnes longingly watch a holo-recording of the two of them baking cookies together.

* Maddox is suffering from exposure and being worked over by Bejazzle's thugs so they have Agnes go with him to sickbay to get patched up.

* Picard is like thanks for your help, Seven, is there anything we can do for you? and Seven says let me borrow these two comically oversized phaser rifles, they might come in handy some day, so Picard gives her the guns and she leaves.

* But she just beams herself right back into Bejazzle's stronghold! Twist!

* "That senile old fool Picard thinks there's still a place for mercy in this galaxy," she says, "but really everything is hate and violent murder. Thanks, Trump."

* She shoots Bejazzle and all her guards and walks out like a Strong Female Character.

* Back in sickbay, Maddox and Agnes reunite. Despite being weak from his injuries, Maddox is excited to tell her about Soji and Douche and how their hard work at android science has finally paid off.

* But Agnes reveals herself to be a secret asshole, tearfully apologizing to Maddox but claiming she has no choice as she turns off the sickbay medical equipment.

* The evil Starfleet Commodore Karen O revealed to her a horrible secret, presumably in such a convincing and inarguable way that Agnes has to murder the man she loves.

* I'm sure.

* The EMH appears and is like "What's going on here! This man is dying!" but Agnes says "Deactivate EMH" and he disappears.

* We've seen previously that he's able to move about the ship at will so this might be a good time for him to materialize on the bridge and warn someone that there's a murder taking place but I guess saying "deactivate EMH" just overrides all his programming.

* Although Maddox's main ailment was apparently just having been beaten up by thugs, for some reason turning off the sickbay equipment makes every vein in his face bulge out and turn black and the capillaries in his eyes burst and he starts seizing and gasping out his last breath for several agonizing minutes while Agnes watches through tears.

* Jesus lady just put a pillow over his face or something.

* You can tell she really loved him because she murdered him on the word of a stranger win the most drawn out and painful way possible.

* The episode began with the gruesome death of a minor character from classic Trek and ended the same way.

* It's like poetry, it rhymes, every stanza sort of rhymes with the last one.

* Hopefully it'll work.

Star Trek: Picard, Episode 4: "Absolute Candor"

* I noticed that I was exactly halfway through Picard episode 4 and said wait but nothing happened yet.

* Picard and his companions deviate from the main campaign to recruit a fifth party member on the planet Vashti, where Picard and Raffi relocated many Romulan refugees with the help of the Moat-Kulat, "Romulan warrior-nuns, the fiercest enemies of the Tal'Shiar."  

* There's a five minute scene where Dr. Gerardi asks questions so the other characters can deliver exposition for the audience's benefit but no one asks exactly what the warrior-nuns' place is in the Romulan Star Empire.

* Since they fight the Tal'Shiar I guess they're expatriates?

* Idk. But Picard says they're the best hand-to-hand combat masters in the galaxy and I guess he knows there are going to be a lot of fight scenes ahead so they go to recruit an asari Justicar.

* Picard tracks down a young Romulan boy he knew when resettling the refugees.

* He has grown into Romulan Legolas now and completed the training of the Moat-Kulat but because he is a man he can never join them. 

* The Moat-Kulat leader asks Picard to take him along so he has something to do but Legolas is angry with Picard for abandoning him and everyone else on Vashti, which in the years since the Romulan supernova and the android attack on Mars has fallen into squalor and is besieged by warlords and marauders.

* "You couldn't save everyone so you decided to save no one."

* Picard heads back to the ship but on the way he stops to pick a fight at a local tavern for no discernible reason.

* He rips down the sign that says "Romulans Only" and defiantly stomps over it to demand service from the wait staff.

* A Romulan tries to swordfight him but Picard refuses, then Legolas appears and decapitates the Romulan, announcing that he has pledged his sword to Picard.

* Picard is angered however and declares that that man didn't deserve to die. 

* I assumed Picard that had picked a fight to intentionally endanger himself and force Legolas to save him, so I'm not sure what the fuck he thought was going to happen. 

* Meanwhile Bedhead British Romulan takes Sochi to a deserted part of the Borg cube, promising to show her an ancient Borg ritual.

* He tells her to take off her shoes and follow his example, then slides across the floor in his socks. This scene goes on for about 45 minutes. Later his sister shows up in his bedroom and they incest-bait.

* Picard and his companions are leaving Vashti when they are attacked by the local warlord in his "antique Bird of Prey."

* They are in a tight spot until a mysterious ship appears and helps them fight off the bad guy.

* The ship is damaged in the battle however and they beam the pilot aboard. Picard tells Legolas to be ready to decapitate him if he turns out to be a villain, but then the unknown pilot materializes on the transporter pad... and it's Seven of Nine!

* The music swells dramatically and then goes silent as the camera cuts to Picard and he says "Who the hell are you?"

* No I'm just kidding, that actually would have been funny.

* He actually says "Seven of Nine!" and she says "You owe me a ship, Picard" and then it ends.       

Star Trek: Picard, Episode 3: "The End Is the Beginning"

 * Ok I'm watching Picard episode 3  

* I think I hate this show.

* Episode opens with another flashback to the android attack on Mars.

* Every character calls them "synths" but in Star Trek they've always been called androids so that's what I'm going to call them. 

* Picard and Lady go to Starfleet HQ to discuss how the plans to rescue Romulus will change now that the rescue fleet being built on Mars has been destroyed.

* Lady's name is Raffi, like the children's singer. 

* Starfleet tells Picard they're canceling the rescue mission bc they wanted the Romulans to die anyway, even though in continuity the Romulans just helped them win the Dominion War and helped stop Picard's evil clone from destroying Earth.

* Picard says they can accept either the revised rescue plans or his resignation, and they choose the latter.

* With Picard out of Starfleet, Raffi is immediately fired. I guess his status was protecting her somehow? Even though he didn't have enough clout to get them to listen to him...

* Apparently it makes sense to Raffi though because she blames Picard for the loss of her career and spends the next 14 years being mad at him.

* Patrick Stewart appears digitally de-aged for the flashback but Raffi looks exactly the same when Picard shows up at her place in the present day looking for a ship and pilot.

* Raffi's name for Picard is "JL." She says it about a dozen times throughout the episode and I want to scream every time.

* Raffi lives in a trailer where she grows space marijuana and smokes an e-cig. She tells Picard that she saw his interview on Space Fox News. 

* She #OccupyWallStreets his bougie vineyard and complains about how she's been on skid row since Starfleet canned her. 

* Picard is the 1%!

* Isn't this supposed to be a post-scarcity, post-wealth future, what the fuck is even happening

* Also apparently people still say "protip" in the 25th century. 

* Through tears and abysmal acting, Raffi tells Picard to leave, but as he walks away she relents and tells him to contact a pilot named Rios.

* Meanwhile, Scientist Lady Who Studies Androids is visited by the Vulcan chief of Starfleet security who is secretly in league with the Romulans.

* Her name is Karen O and she's wearing sunglasses that look straight out of the 20th century.

* Either the costumer bought them at a gas station on the way to work or the actress was wearing them on set and forgot to take them off and nobody noticed.

* Karen O is like "Tell me everything you talked about with Picard in the first episode!"

* Picard beams aboard Rios's ship where he is greeted by Rios's EMH, who I'm almost positive is played by the same actor who plays Rios except with an Irish accent.

* Bizarrely, no one comments on this.

* Rios has a grudge against Starfleet but Picard can tell from how neat he keeps his ship that Rios too was a former member.

* Picard goes back to his vineyard to pack his bags but the Romulan biker gang attacks!

* Picard's Romulan servants kill them all. In the fight Picard is thrown through the air over the back of a couch. He should have about half a dozen fractured bones but he's fine.

* It seems that the danger has passed and everyone starts to relax but then one last assassin bursts into the room! He's immediately shot from behind, however, and Lady Scientist steps into the room, holding a Romulan disruptor rifle.

* This confused me to no end. At first I thought she had gone there with the Romulans, like Karen O had them take her to Chateau Picard to eliminate them all at the same time, but she says that she was just coming to warn Picard that Karen O was looking into him.

* So I guess it was just a coincidence that she arrived at the exact same time as the assassins?

* But where did she get the rifle then? All the dead Romulans were already in the room that she entered after she already had the rifle.

* Maybe there was a split-second shot of one of them throwing his gun into the hallway for no reason.

* Anyway one of the dead Romulans is actually alive so they tie him to a chair then revive him by misting him with water from a plastic spray bottle, as you would a cat.

* Picard asks why the Jacques Vash killed Douche, and where her twin sister is.

* "You'll never find her before we do," says the Romulan. "She's not what you think she is. She is the Destroyer!"

* Then, even though Picard's Romulans are apparently experts on the Tal'Shiar and even though Picard was there when Douche was killed by a Romulan assassin cracking open an acid capsule in his tooth, apparently no one thought to check this guy's molars because he deploys his own acid pill, which instantly dissolves his entire body somehow.

* Scientist Lady, whose name I just remembered is Agnes Gerardi, tells Picard that she wants to join his party. The two of them join Rios aboard his ship, where they're immediately joined by Raffi.

* "I found Bruce Maddox," she says, whom you may remember from Measure of a Man (I didn't). "He's on Free Cloud," which I guess is a planet.

* She swore she would never work with Picard again after how he wasn't really at all responsible for her getting fired, but she has personal business on Free Cloud anyway so she too is joining the party.

* If you think I'm RPG-memeing too hard I swear to God that in the preview for the next episode an Elf Vulcan pledges to Picard "You'll have my sword."

* The opening notes from the TNG theme play and Picard says "Engage." Agnes starts grinning like an idiot because I guess she gets the reference, and Raffi dramatically rolls her eyes.

* They're like the avatars of the two types of Star Trek fans watching this show. 

* So at the very end of the third episode of this Star Trek series, someone finally takes a starship into space!

* Also I completely neglected the Douche's sister subplot. I'm pretty sure that her name is Soji this time, and she's trying to rehabilitate former Borg who were unassimilated from the collective and went crazy.

* "Ex-B's are the most hated people in all the galaxy," some guy says. 

* y tho

* So for some reason all the crazy Borgs are Romulans. Soji starts talking to this one Romulan lady who is playing with Tarot cards. "I remember you from tomorrow," the crazy lady says. "Are you the sister who lives or the sister who dies? You are the Destroyer!"

* She pulls a gun from a guard and tries to kill herself but Soji uses Force speed to take the gun from her hand.

* She calls her fake mom on her iPhone but I guess this somehow triggers something in her that makes her pass out.

* She wakes up sometime later and Sexy Romulan Bro comes in and says "I have to tell you a secret: I think I'm falling in love with you."

* Also one of the crazy Romulan "ex-B's" had a Space Rubiks Cube.

* "Traditional Romulan houses have a false front door, you have to enter through the back."

* Millennials can't conceive of a future without wealth inequality or corrupt political establishments. They've been conditioned to think that such a suggestion is so unbelievable as to be laughable.