* Ok I'm watching Picard episode 3
* I think I hate this show.
* Episode opens with another flashback to the android attack on Mars.
* Every character calls them "synths" but in Star Trek they've always been called androids so that's what I'm going to call them.
* Picard and Lady go to Starfleet HQ to discuss how the plans to rescue Romulus will change now that the rescue fleet being built on Mars has been destroyed.
* Lady's name is Raffi, like the children's singer.
* Starfleet tells Picard they're canceling the rescue mission bc they wanted the Romulans to die anyway, even though in continuity the Romulans just helped them win the Dominion War and helped stop Picard's evil clone from destroying Earth.
* Picard says they can accept either the revised rescue plans or his resignation, and they choose the latter.
* With Picard out of Starfleet, Raffi is immediately fired. I guess his status was protecting her somehow? Even though he didn't have enough clout to get them to listen to him...
* Apparently it makes sense to Raffi though because she blames Picard for the loss of her career and spends the next 14 years being mad at him.
* Patrick Stewart appears digitally de-aged for the flashback but Raffi looks exactly the same when Picard shows up at her place in the present day looking for a ship and pilot.
* Raffi's name for Picard is "JL." She says it about a dozen times throughout the episode and I want to scream every time.
* Raffi lives in a trailer where she grows space marijuana and smokes an e-cig. She tells Picard that she saw his interview on Space Fox News.
* She #OccupyWallStreets his bougie vineyard and complains about how she's been on skid row since Starfleet canned her.
* Picard is the 1%!
* Isn't this supposed to be a post-scarcity, post-wealth future, what the fuck is even happening
* Also apparently people still say "protip" in the 25th century.
* Through tears and abysmal acting, Raffi tells Picard to leave, but as he walks away she relents and tells him to contact a pilot named Rios.
* Meanwhile, Scientist Lady Who Studies Androids is visited by the Vulcan chief of Starfleet security who is secretly in league with the Romulans.
* Her name is Karen O and she's wearing sunglasses that look straight out of the 20th century.
* Either the costumer bought them at a gas station on the way to work or the actress was wearing them on set and forgot to take them off and nobody noticed.
* Karen O is like "Tell me everything you talked about with Picard in the first episode!"
* Picard beams aboard Rios's ship where he is greeted by Rios's EMH, who I'm almost positive is played by the same actor who plays Rios except with an Irish accent.
* Bizarrely, no one comments on this.
* Rios has a grudge against Starfleet but Picard can tell from how neat he keeps his ship that Rios too was a former member.
* Picard goes back to his vineyard to pack his bags but the Romulan biker gang attacks!
* Picard's Romulan servants kill them all. In the fight Picard is thrown through the air over the back of a couch. He should have about half a dozen fractured bones but he's fine.
* It seems that the danger has passed and everyone starts to relax but then one last assassin bursts into the room! He's immediately shot from behind, however, and Lady Scientist steps into the room, holding a Romulan disruptor rifle.
* This confused me to no end. At first I thought she had gone there with the Romulans, like Karen O had them take her to Chateau Picard to eliminate them all at the same time, but she says that she was just coming to warn Picard that Karen O was looking into him.
* So I guess it was just a coincidence that she arrived at the exact same time as the assassins?
* But where did she get the rifle then? All the dead Romulans were already in the room that she entered after she already had the rifle.
* Maybe there was a split-second shot of one of them throwing his gun into the hallway for no reason.
* Anyway one of the dead Romulans is actually alive so they tie him to a chair then revive him by misting him with water from a plastic spray bottle, as you would a cat.
* Picard asks why the Jacques Vash killed Douche, and where her twin sister is.
* "You'll never find her before we do," says the Romulan. "She's not what you think she is. She is the Destroyer!"
* Then, even though Picard's Romulans are apparently experts on the Tal'Shiar and even though Picard was there when Douche was killed by a Romulan assassin cracking open an acid capsule in his tooth, apparently no one thought to check this guy's molars because he deploys his own acid pill, which instantly dissolves his entire body somehow.
* Scientist Lady, whose name I just remembered is Agnes Gerardi, tells Picard that she wants to join his party. The two of them join Rios aboard his ship, where they're immediately joined by Raffi.
* "I found Bruce Maddox," she says, whom you may remember from Measure of a Man (I didn't). "He's on Free Cloud," which I guess is a planet.
* She swore she would never work with Picard again after how he wasn't really at all responsible for her getting fired, but she has personal business on Free Cloud anyway so she too is joining the party.
* If you think I'm RPG-memeing too hard I swear to God that in the preview for the next episode an Elf Vulcan pledges to Picard "You'll have my sword."
* The opening notes from the TNG theme play and Picard says "Engage." Agnes starts grinning like an idiot because I guess she gets the reference, and Raffi dramatically rolls her eyes.
* They're like the avatars of the two types of Star Trek fans watching this show.
* So at the very end of the third episode of this Star Trek series, someone finally takes a starship into space!
* Also I completely neglected the Douche's sister subplot. I'm pretty sure that her name is Soji this time, and she's trying to rehabilitate former Borg who were unassimilated from the collective and went crazy.
* "Ex-B's are the most hated people in all the galaxy," some guy says.
* y tho
* So for some reason all the crazy Borgs are Romulans. Soji starts talking to this one Romulan lady who is playing with Tarot cards. "I remember you from tomorrow," the crazy lady says. "Are you the sister who lives or the sister who dies? You are the Destroyer!"
* She pulls a gun from a guard and tries to kill herself but Soji uses Force speed to take the gun from her hand.
* She calls her fake mom on her iPhone but I guess this somehow triggers something in her that makes her pass out.
* She wakes up sometime later and Sexy Romulan Bro comes in and says "I have to tell you a secret: I think I'm falling in love with you."
* Also one of the crazy Romulan "ex-B's" had a Space Rubiks Cube.
* "Traditional Romulan houses have a false front door, you have to enter through the back."
* Millennials can't conceive of a future without wealth inequality or corrupt political establishments. They've been conditioned to think that such a suggestion is so unbelievable as to be laughable.
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