* Last Picard episode before the two-part finale is all about the back story of Captain Rios and I cannot be assed to pay any attention
* This is maybe the worst show I've ever seen in my life.
* I don't mean just in the context of being bad for a Star Trek show.
* The showrunner and head writer won a Pulitzer Prize.
* 200,000 years ago a hyper-advanced civilization dragged eight suns together to form an octenarian star system.
* At the center of the eight stars is a planet with a green laser table that contains a warning against creating artificial intelligence because insert Mass Effect plot here.
* The Jacques Vash were formed centuries ago because of this warning. New recruits have to touch the table in a ritual called the Admonition, in which visions of the apocalypse are injected into their brains.
* 14 years ago Karen O oversaw the Admonition of a group of Jacques Vash that included Sister Romulan and her aunt, Crazy Ex-Borg Romulan Lady Who Called Soji The Destroyer In Like The Second Episode.
* "Most of you will go mad," intones Karen O, "but the rest of you will understand why it's important to stop Armageddon."
* Sign me the fuck up!
* They all touch the table and every Jacques Vash but Sister Romulan starts shooting themselves in the head or pulling their hair out or ripping their faces open with their fingernails or bashing their heads in with rocks.
* "Now we will go to Mars and mastermind a conspiracy," says Karen O.
* In the present day Sister Romulan gives the order to purge the Borg cube and pull out all the Jacques Vash so they can go blow up the android planet.
* She's just back on the cube like it's business as usual despite being transported away during her fight with Legolas in the last episode.
* I won't even try to guess what the writers intended to be happening there because it makes no sense in the context of either how transporters traditionally work or this dumb show.
* The Romulans find Legolas and fight him but then Seven of Nine shows up and shoots them all.
* I didn't mention it but at the end of the previous episode Legolas found a Fenris Rangers Life Alert hanging from the ceiling FOR NO REASON so we can assume he used this to call Seven.
* The two of them go to the Borg queen's chambers where Seven says that she can reactivate the dormant drones to fight the Romulans.
* "That sounds awesome, do that," says Legolas.
* Seven protests that they will assimilate everyone, including the ex-B's, but Legolas tells her they can just unassimilate them again once the Romulans are defeated.
* "They won't want to be unassimilated," says Seven, "and I'm not sure I'll want to let them go."
* So she's going to become the new Borg Queen, I guess?
* Some cables come out of the computer and plug into her spine and her eyes turn black and she says "WE ARE BORG."
* Here's something else I didn't mention before because I didn't think it would be important and lo and behold it wasn't: in like the second episode, during Borg cube orientation some dude explained that all the scientists working on the cube would be issued sensor cards that would turn black in warning if any dormant Borg technology was to reactivate.
* This is one Chekhov's phaser that will go unfired however because as soon as Seven starts to reactivate the Borg the Romulans jettison all of them into space.
* The sensor cards never come up again.
* Just like that the Borg are defeated, but the ex-B's start mobbing Romulan sister and tearing at her like a zombie horde.
* Dramatically speaking she should have just died here but she once again is transported out of harm's way at the last second, apparently by some third party who knew that she was in danger somehow but will be completely ignored in future episodes.
* "Are you going to assimilate me now?" asks Legolas but Borg Queen Seven replies "Annika still has work to do" and the cables unplug from her spine and she becomes normal again.
* Meanwhile Raffi and Rios have figured out off-screen that Agnes is a Romulan spy and that she killed Bruce Maddox and they confide their theory to Picard.
* Rios sees Soji for the first time and runs away to hide in his room.
* Raffi gathers together all of his holographic doppelgangers who run different functions on the ship: medical, engineering, hospitality, weapons, and something else and they try to figure out what's wrong with Rios.
* Rios reveals that nine years ago he was the first officer on a Federation starship during a first contact operation.
* The ambassador from the new planet came aboard with a girl who looked just like Soji, and his captain shot them both to death during dinner.
* He explained to Rios that Starfleet had ordered him to assassinate them and threatened to destroy the entire ship with all hands aboard if he refused, then "he put the phaser in his mouth and pulled the trigger."
* Do phasers have triggers?
* Anyway Rios helped cover up what happened and jettisoned the bodies into space, reporting that his captain committed suicide for no apparent reason.
* Only when he saw Soji just now did he realize the truth: the people his captain killed were synths!!!
* Meanwhile Agnes comes out of her coma for no reason.
* Picard tells her that they're going to Deep Space 12 where she will turn herself in for killing Bruce Maddox.
* Agnes explains that she didn't want to do it but Karen O put a vision of the apocalypse in her head and also conveniently added a heretofore-unmentioned psychic block to prevent her from talking about it.
* Soji comes in and Agnes says "Noonien Soongh considered himself an artist when he made Data but you have three beauty marks on your cheek, you're the real work of art."
* "I know Karen O sent you to kill me," says Soji, but Agnes says "Now that I've met you I would never kill you, even though I already killed my boyfriend after his part in bringing about the apocalypse was already over."
* Picard reports to Admiral Bitch who swore at him in episode 2 and says he needs a squadron to meet them at the android planet.
* Admiral Bitch literally says "Shut the fuck up."
* The crew gathers together to discuss what they know for the audience's benefit.
* "I'm done murdering people, so that's good," Agnes jokes.
* Hilarious!
* Raffi says that Karen O is a half-Vulcan half-Romulan spy.
* No idea how the fuck she knows that but I suppose they just threw it in to explain why she could mindmeld with Agnes if she's a Romulan.
* Anyway she infiltrated Starfleet years ago and worked her way up the ranks to become head of Starfleet security, a position she used to order Rios's captain to kill the ambassador from the android planet.
* Soji becomes distraught and exclaims that because of her the Jacques Vash finally know where that planet is.
* ...but if the Federation made first contact with them nine years ago, how did they no already know where it was...?
* No time!
* Karen O masterminded the synth attack on Mars because she knew something so horrible would force the Federation to outlaw androids!
* Just like how America banned Muslims after 9/11!!!!
* Rios says they can take comfort in how it was really Karen O working behind the scenes to sabotage them this whole time and the Federation didn't really betray them.
* But Picard says the Federation did betray them, there was no excuse for the android ban, the Federation was undone by secrecy and fear.
* FEAR IS THE REAL DESTROYER
* BREXIT??!!
* Soji uses her android powers to take over the ship, proving that the Jacques Vash were right to fear her all along.
* But Rios sings a Spanish lullaby which is the code that allows him to regain control of the ship.
* But then Picard tells him to go ahead and do what she wants anyway.
* He sits down at the holographic console and starts waving his hands around like he's setting a course for the android world but then he's like "I just remembered, I don't know how to work this thing."
* Soji suddenly knows where all the Borg transwarp conduits are and they fly into one.
* TO BE CONTINUED
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