* Time for STAR TREK: PUKEHARD SEASON 2: PUKE HARDER.
* “I am too old for your bullshit, Q!”
* Q is acting cray cray.
* “I have had enough of your stupid patronizing!” Picard says and Q fucking bitch slaps him across the face.
* “And I have had enough of you refusing to change in the only way that matters!” Q retorts, addressing the Star Trek franchise at large.
* In this reality the Earth is a poisoned wasteland kept habitable by giant atmospheric shields.
* Picard is a slave-owner who keeps the skulls of his vanquished enemies in his study.
* One of the skulls belongs to Sarek, who Picard decapitated in personal combat.
* Q says that in this reality Picard got his Noonien Soongh bio-android body in a fight with DS9 villain Gul Dukat.
* Which makes no sense.
* Q is mad at Evil Alt Universe Picard and has brought regular Picard and the Stargazer crew here to atone for Bad Picard’s crimes.
* Or something.
* All will be revealed!
* “I don’t know who I am, but I’m not myself” Picard says to one of his slaves.
* Picard finds a hologram of himself doing Starship Troopers propaganda broadcasts.
* Picard is called to the presidential palace for Eradication Day.
* And the president is Seven of Nine!
* For some reason Q has transported her normal self here as well.
* In this universe the Federation is called the Confederation.
* REMEMBER THE CIVIL WAR???
* Meanwhile Captain Rios is on the Vulcan Front, where the Confederate fleet is nuking Vulcan from space.
* “Those Vulcan bastards will meld your minds and scramble your balls.”
* MEANWHILE in Okinawa (???) Space Legolas also appears in this universe, even though as far as I know he wasn’t even at the battle with the Borg.
* I guess Q just plucked up everyone in the main cast.
* Maybe he was there, I don’t fucking know.
* This reminds me of that Animorphs book where the Ellimist changed the past so they never got their powers.
* Except way more stupid.
* Eradication Day is the holiday for eradicating terrorists, aliens, alien terrorists, and other enemies of the Confederation.
* Agnes Gerardi wakes up in a lab with a cartoon cat who is her virtual pet.
* Seven walks in and Agnes is like “wow you look hot!”
* All women are bisexual in the future.
* This character is so terrible and obnoxious.
* AU Agnes has a Borg Queen frozen in a tube or something.
* “Reality has been split, time has been broken,” the Queen says.
* Seven exposits that Borg Queens share knowledge across timelines and universes, apparently????
* Was this ever established before?
* I guess Guinan could do it in Yesterday’s Enterprise.
* Raffi has pretended to capture Legolas, who is a terrorist in this reality, and Picard randomly bumps into them.
* “Picard has petitioned to be titled ‘the Borgslayer,’” Seven’s husband announces.
* Seven’s husband is not Chakotay because the writers never watched the Voyager episode where they got together.
* “This is not another reality, this is our reality! Q went back in time and changed the present!” says Picard.
* Sure whatever.
* “Q seemed unstable, not quite sane!”
* Picard, Raffi, Legolas, Seven, and Agnes all meet up in the basement and Picard demands the Borg Queen use her random omniscience to explain what Q did to the timeline.
* The Borg Queen says that a “temporal recision” happened in Los Angeles in 2024.
* Please let it be Trump getting re-elected lmao.
* Picard describes the plot to Star Trek IV and says they need to go back in time by slingshotting around the Sun.
* Agnes says “But we need someone to plot the temporal whatever like Spock did in The Voyage Home!”
* They’re going to have the Borg Queen do it but a machine suddenly pulls her out of the room for the Eradication ceremony.
* Seven says Picard is scheduled to publicly execute her on stage.
* Not-Chakotay comes in and is like wtf is going on with you people and Agnes gives this terrible cringey fake explanation that goes on forever and is supposed to be really funny.
* You know they say multiple times that the tech level of this reality is about the same as the normal timeline but apparently Earth all by itself somehow managed to completely wipe out the entire Borg species down to this single queen.
* Sure why not.
* Picard and Seven go on stage with the queen. The crowd chants Picard’s name and he pumps his fist to rile them up.
* Meanwhile Raffi and Legolas have to shut down the palace shields so Rios can transport everyone out. Legolas violently slashes the throats of several security guards, proving himself a worthy addition to Starfleet Academy.
* Rios reunites the cast. “Well that was all kinds of terrible,” says Agnes. My thoughts exactly.
* Agnes plugs the Borg Queen into the ship to calculate whatever, but Seven’s husband beams aboard with a security team and shoot Legolas!
* “Jean-Luc Picard: traitor!” says Beta Chakotay. “Killed while rescuing a Borg!”
* Cut to credits, what a cliffhanger!
* Remember when they used to do this type of story in 90 minutes.
* Now it takes 10 hours because it’s better.
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