Fourth Wing

 

* This is the kiss of death for your novel.

 

* My first thought is if your book opens with “Booktok Praise” my expectations immediately plummet.

 

* Cute little map on the first page so you know this is a Real Fantasy Novel and not just a porno.
 

* “The following text has been faithfully transcribed from Navarrian into the modern language by Jesinia Neilwart, Curator of the Scribe Quadrant at Basgiath War College.”

* I’m out.

* “Maybe that’s why the sunrise is especially beautiful this morning—because I know it might be my last.”

* Did Bella Swan write this?

* Why is there so much lore?

* Stop telling me about the Gryphon Wars of Whatever, when does she fuck the dragon?

* “You’re barely thrice the weight of the pack, the parapet is roughly eighteen inches wide, two hundred feet aboveground.”

* This is how people talk.

* “You know very well the natural pigment seems to gradually abandon it no matter the length.”

* I love when protagonists in fiction have unusual eye/hair color.

* How else would I know they’re the main character?

* Why is this just Divergent?

* The author had to slip in that the narrator has “only” been with two guys so you know she’s not a virgin. This is an essential trait for the reader to know.

* “panic fists my heart”

* “His father was the Great Betrayer.”

* I can’t.

* Dylan is going to die.

* “He has to be more than four inches over six feet tall.”

* What weird phrasing.

* RIP Dylan.

* “Jack Barlowe. Remember the name. I’m going to be a wingleader one day.”

* This character is going to be humbled and become part of the protagonist’s entourage.

* Main character verbally reciting lore directly to the reader for no reason.

* I would be embarrassed to turn this in as a freshman creative writing assignment.

* Why does everyone have brown eyes and why is it important?

* “Dain Eatos” aka Jacob Black.

* Very uncomfortable with how she’s non-stop word-fucking this guy who is supposed to be her friend.

* These characters emote with their faces more than most cartoons.

* “One of the riders with half shaved half pink hair” aka lesbian.

* “huge semitranslucent wings”

* What does semitranslucent mean? Translucent is already semitransparent.

* The dynamic with Dane is so off-putting. The narrator says they’ve been best friends since childhood, but everything she says to him is sexually provocative and he just fusses over her like a mother hen. Has the author never had a friend before?

* “I can power ink pens instead of using quills.”

* Lamest superpower of all time?

* “Fire wielding, ice wielding, and water wielding”

* Author is so desperate for this book to be taken seriously as a Real Fantasy Novel but doesn’t know the terms pyrokinesis, cryokinesis, and hydrokinesis.

* “I can read a person’s memories by touching them.”

* That’s called psychometry.

 

* The nonstop lore-dropping is so ridiculous. Know your audience.

 

* No one cares about that worldbuilding crap, they just want to see Bella Swan fuck a dragon.

* “Run, Violet, run!” 

 

Next chapter: FIVE HOURS LATER…

* Something spooky happens at the end of a Goosebumps chapter then it’s just a cat.

* Why does everyone keep saying Xaden Riorson wants to kill her? How would they know? Maybe he didn’t even like his dad.

* This book wishes it was Attack on Titan.

* Rhiannon two-for-one diversity special, black + gay.

* When is the trans character introduced in this medieval fantasy?

* “Seeing Dane is the best part of my day.”

* Why?

* Why does Dane keep touching her face all the time? He needs to stop.

* “Resurrection is impossible!” So someone is going to be resurrected.

 

 

* I laughed out loud at Rebecca Yarros saying they/them ten times in one paragraph so everyone would notice she made Nobody Background Character non-binary.

* The dragons killed Richard Pryor.

* Her brother actually died and came back by Magic right?

* Whoever had the black dragon got incinerated using magic to resurrect him.

* Toothless.

* They said that he died trying to use magic to resurrect him, which is said to be impossible, but since I was already spoiled that he’s actually alive, clearly the magic actually worked and people just didn’t know.

* [There’s a strong hint the rider was gay.] How edgy for 1995.

* Is this even supposed to be Earth?

* They have Wednesdays and Octobers but made-up countries and fantasy creatures.

* Riddick is gay too? Is everyone gay?

* Liam Whatever says he went “to the bathroom,” by which I assumes he went to take a piss and not bathe. Why would they be called bathrooms in this pre-industrial fantasy setting?

* When is it revealed that Violent’s mom secretly loves her and just mistreats her for her own protection or whatever the dumb twist will be?

* Stupid Rebecca Yarros gave the game away in like the third epigraph. Did she think people just weren’t going to read them?

* I promise that the only reason this is “War College” and not “War High School” is because the author didn’t want to get in trouble for writing pornography with underage teens. Besides the constant profanity and sexuality these could just be the 16/17/18-year-olds in any regular fantasy YA romance novel.

* Love to end chapter in a cliffhanger then start next chapter with something completely different and never resolve cliffhanger.

Xaden stepped out of the shadows. TO BE CONTINUED…

Next chapter:

Three days later, something completely unrelated.

* Goosebumps, best selling children’s books of all time.

* Is Dane mind-raping her all the time without her knowing?

 

* All I know about Iron Flame is Xander turns to a vermin.

 

Halloween Ends… my affection for this franchise!

Some questions about Halloween Part 13: Halloween Ends, directed by David Gordon Green:

Why the sudden emphasis in Halloween Kills on Michael's obsession with staring out his childhood window? Never comes up in Ends. 

At the end of Kills, Michael is fully healed and returns to full strength. Why does he then go hide in a sewer for four years and allow himself to become so weak in Ends?

It's repeatedly stressed that Michael is just a man, but also he can do the Ghost Rider Penance Stare, apparently?

Laurie spends 40 years traumatized by a guy who once chased her for 10 minutes but after the same guy murders her daughter and escapes she finally adapts to a normal life?

Why was Hawkins such a major character in the first two films then he all but vanishes from the third? What happened to the subplot of his guilt over accidentally killing his partner and needing to redeem himself? Why did they even bother bringing him back to life in Kills after killing him off in Halloween 2018?

Why is Allyson immediately so into Corey? From the moment she first lays eyes on him she throws out her entire established characterization trying to get with him. It was like a bad YA romance author wrote this subplot. Extremely weird and off-putting.

The third film in this trilogy backseats most of the returning cast to focus on a new character, which is weird and unsatisfying. But they do it for thematic reasons, to show how a community's unhealed trauma can infect its individual members or whatever, so maybe it can work. But no, it's not being ostracized by the town that turns Corey bad, it's being put under a spell by a supernatural force that erases his agency as a character and turns him unambiguously Evil. Then it's all for nothing anyway because he just dies pointlessly because in the last ten minutes the movie remembered that it was supposed to be a Halloween sequel so they had to shove Laurie vs. Michael in there.

No movie in this franchise will ever come close to surpassing the original. The best we can hope for is A Decent Halloween Sequel, but Ends was more interested in doing its own thing than trying to be that. If that story needed to be told it either could have been its own original IP or else been better adapted to fit with what people expect of this franchise and what the previous two films set up the third one to be.

Golden

Me:

 

 

Me:

 

Paul: Hahaha

Paul: What's up with that second image?

Paul: I don't remember that.

Paul: I'm surprised you liked something so anime, even so.

Me: I loved it.

Me: Also made me incurably sad so

Me: Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Me: Like all games are fantasy, right?

Me: Being a badass space marine flying around the galaxy banging blue space babes and punching machine gods, pretty obvious.

Me: What’s the fantasy here, having friends who’ll hang out at the mall with you?

Me: Yet both seem equally fantastical now.

Me: Do you ever feel too old to play high school slice of life dating simulators? After a certain point, there's no way that the Persona games were meant to appeal to you. This game came out in 2008, so like 12 and a half years already. That's more than three times the amount of time it takes to finish high school. Even if you were around high school age in 2008, there's no way you still are now. Does the high school aspect ever feel juvenile to you as you grow older? Do certain aspects seem rather childish and not like something you should consume if you've already been out of high school for over a decade? I don't mean to be overly self-conscious, but playing as teenagers who are going through teen drama seems out of place for middle-aged adults.

Paul: Nope. I'm thirty-eight, and Persona 4 remains one of my all-time favorites. Just went through a couple months ago, in fact.

Paul: Most persona fans are pedos anyway.

Me:

Me: Did you play the vanilla version? The Golden rerelease for the PS Vita has an epilogue cutscene where you go back to visit like six months later and retake the photo.

Me: That’s the only version you can get on Xbox, Switch, and PS Whatever Number They’re On Now.

Paul: Oh woooow! Feelings for anime.

Paul: Yeah I got it for the PS2.

Paul: P3 is good but I haven't finished it so if you play it, no spoilers.

Paul: But it takes place in an Elite Private High School that is on an island for some reason IIRC...so what it really lacks is that feeling of the postindustrial boonies, the laziness and open spaces of a mid-sized town full of normal people in an out-of-the-way part of a country.

Paul: Yeah childhood was something else.

Paul: That being said I hated the mall and just stayed inside reading.

Paul: It has an Animorphs feel, yeah.

Me: Can high schoolers even appreciate games that are largely about living your youth to the fullest? They're too busy stumbling through and wasting it, like we all did.

Me: Jake and Marco would have only grudgingly befriended you after finding your head in a toilet.

Paul: Roadkill is delicious.

Paul: Umm so in the Golden version there's bikes?? and bikins??

Paul: Sounds totally worth it.

Me: Idk what all was not in the original version but there are social links for Adachi and a new character called Marie who is revealed to be the embodiment of an ancient Japanese deity in the body of a teenage goth girl.

Me: You can ride scooters to new areas and explore Okina City and the beach on foot when I guess they were only in cutscenes before.

Paul: Oh damn you got a beach!! Congrats.

Me: Postgame you go on a ski trip!!!

Me:

Paul: What a fascist.

Me: I can’t believe Chie decided to become a cop.

Me: Just like Harvey Potter.

Me: It was a pre-ACAB world.

Me: Good thing I didn’t follow that romance path, I guess you could say I “dodged a bullet”!!!

Paul: A hot cop.

Paul: Dude whatever that's hot.

Paul: So what, did you used to hang out at the mall?

Paul: I was basically a hermit as a teenager.

Me: No, that’s why it’s a fantasy lol.

Me: She was cool but every time I’d try to compliment her she’d blow me off like “Oh Roger-kun, you’re so funny, I know you don’t mean that” so I went for the Instagram influencer who couldn’t shut up about how much she wanted to blow me.

Paul: She was a lil minx.

Paul: No mixed signals there.

Paul: The other girls were a little scared of how open she was to romance and sex, like, they were nervous teenagers and a little prudish (makes sense!)

 

Paul: But she was dtf like a 30-something single mother.

Paul: IMO she was the most sexually mature of those teenage girls.

Paul: "Most persona fans are pedos anyway."

Me:

 

Paul: I liked how shy Chie was, and how hard-working and straightforward.

Me: They were all good characters.

Me: Well Yukiko was a little boring.

Me: My heart went out to Rise’s story about being shy and awkward at school and her only goal in becoming famous was to make people like her, but even then they only liked her celebrity PersonaTM.

Paul: Ahahaha

Paul: It's the Great Gatsby once more.

Me: It’s masks all the way down, old sport-san

Me: But she was sweet and genuinely liked spending time with your personality-less blank-slate avatar, what more can you ask for?

 

Paul: The blank-slate avatar character in JP games has admittedly always been kind of creepy.

Paul: I'm not making fun of you, I genuinely like the parallel you found there.

Me: The character needs to be an empty vessel for you to inhabit, like when the Ellimist put an aspect of himself into a mindless clone body to bring thought-speak to the Andalites.

Me: It’s actually more offensive to me that they gave the P4 protagonist a “canon” name and voice so they could put him in spin-off media lol.

Me: Somebody is probably still mad that Gold and Silver named the RBY protagonist, but at least he still didn’t talk.

Paul: I haven't played any other games in the series much tbh.

Paul: P4 seems to have done the small town vibe really well, doesn't seem like P5 or P3 nail it.

Paul: I was thinking about P1 and P2 but they're hard to emulate and really annoyingly difficult it seems.

Paul: Dude we should play Terranigma, I own it on repro cart but I haven't played it.

Paul: I think it's about teenage boys on an adventure through time or whatever.

Paul: I love the other games the creators have made.

Me:

 

Me: How did 5 “jump the shark” in your words?

Me: Promotional web editorials say that it’s the best one!

Paul: The main villain is about as likeable as Adachi but he joins your party for a time and explains things, and you're supposed to sympathize with him.

Paul: Main plot doesn't make sense.

Paul: Then again the music and visuals are incredible.

Paul: Honestly

Paul: I want you to play it and tell me if and why you hate it.

Me: I’ll give it a shot!

Me: You didn’t sympathize with Adachi’s tale of being a studious and promising young person who became jaded and embittered by getting less out of life than he put in and was driven to villainy because it was the only way he could effect any control over his life?

Paul: I guess. Idk he just took it way too far. But it's true that high schoolers are spoiled shits who don't yet know how good they have it.

Me: Also being a misogynist creep who sexually harassed and murdered women with his magical powers?

Paul: well when you put it that way.....
 
Paul: Dude the soundtracks to 4 and 5 I have on my phone.

Paul: They're just incredible.

Paul: I should check out 1's and 2's.

Me: This is my fight song:

Paul: I had forgotten that one!

Me: YES TEDDIE I KNOW CHIE-CHAN IS HURT I’LL HEAL HER IN A MINUTE
 
Paul: So....did you beat the secret final boss and get the secret final ending?

Paul: Not that I myself would ever had known it existed if I hadn't seen it in a guide lol.

Me: I got the Golden Ending, which is the truer ending than the original True Ending.

Me: Yeah I had to follow a guide, it’s even more involved than the original ending. Besides choosing the correct sequence of dialogue options you also have to max Marie’s social links before fighting the final boss to unlock a new postgame dungeon with another secret boss which precedes the original secret postgame dungeon with the true secret final boss.

Me: Golden Ending = True Ending + new penultimate dungeon and epilogue
True Ending = secret final boss fight
Normal Ending = beat Adachi and go home
Bad Ending = push Nametame into TV, Nanako stays dead
Accomplice Ending = help Adachi get away with his crimes

Paul: I loved the music during that last boss fight.

Me: I DONT REMBER

Me: I liked Marie’s dungeon theme though

 

Me: I read the Battle Royale manga about a dozen years ago and the final battle lasted like 100 pages, they kept killing the villain and he’d just self-resurrect and keep coming after them despite being a normal high school student, there was like an extended car chase and fighting in all these different locations, it was absurd.

Me: I was like why is this taking so long, just get to the ending already.

Me: This game had like a 10-hour denouement though so maybe that’s just how the Japanese tell stories?

Me: Ah, we’re finally facing the villain who orchestrated the plot of this whole game, surely this is the final boss battle. But wait, it was really this giant eyeball god who was manipulating everything this whole time, now we have to fight him. But wait, now you have to fight yet another boss to prevent the fog from returning in spite of your accomplishments. But wait, now you have to fight the gas station attendant from the beginning of the game, who was actually the real puppet master behind everything! BUT WAIT, THIS ISN’T EVEN ITS FINAL FORM! Also here are like four different gameplay sequences where all you do is go around saying goodbye to your party.

Paul: Gratuitous.
 
Paul: I like how all the end bosses are gods from Japanese folklore.

Paul: The fucking eyeball mist god hahaha??

Paul: I found the gas station bullshit already really gratuitous, can't believe you had to fight Marie's mom or whatever as well.

Me: Those are completely optional postgame fights though.

Me: UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE THE TRUE ENDING

Paul: Yes.

Me: I think you do have to do the Marie story to get the ski trip scene though.

Me: I wondered if they animated different cutscenes depending on how you played the game because it’s pretty Protag/Rise-heavy but I think it’s just that one.

Me: I take this as confirmation that my ship is canon.

Paul: lol probably.

Paul: In retrospect you're right, the fox is the best character.

True

Me: Almost through the post-game now so here is my final ranking:

1. Rise
2. Yosuke
3. Chie
4. Dojima-san
5. Marie
6. Kanji
7. Nanako-chan
8. Naoto
9. Fox
10. Teddie (bear)
11. Ai Ebinhara
12. Yukiko
13. Adachi
14. Saki Konishi’s brother
15. Yumi
16. Mrs. Robinson
17. Teddie (human?)
18. Death
19. Margaret
20. Daisuke
21. Stepmom of random kid at daycare
22. Daisuke’s friend

Me: That’s based on failing to finish most social links though. Maybe statutory rapist nurse becomes really interesting once you get her full backstory.

Me: I’ll do everything right in new game plus.

Me: Just like my life.

Paul: If you fuck her then she learns that racism is wrong.

Me: I fucked her so I wouldn’t have to RP as a sexual assault victim. Then the game wanted me to feel bad for her because the wife of some guy she slept with called her a whore or something so I stopped going to the haunted hospital.

Paul: I loved the little brother.

Paul: #14

Paul: Nanako ultimately became very annoying to me after she was kidnapped.

Me: After she was miraculously resurrected for no reason? She’s super kawaii, how could you not want to be her big bro?

Paul: Her resurrection infuriated me.

Paul: Especially after the weepy fucking Japanese spent like 5 minutes saying, "Ahh...Nanako-chan is dead!! N-no, n-n-not Nanako-chan! D-dead, sh-she's d-deaaaad."

Paul: God that scene was over the fucking top.

Me: They didn’t even try to resuscitate her, she just coded and the doctor was like “call it.” Then half an hour later the nurse runs in like “Come quick! Nanako-chan got better!” Did her heart just start beating again in the morgue?

Paul: Yosuke + Dojima are awesome, agree.

Paul: I think the stupid Japanese script was harsh on Yosuke, he was the asshole character, the dense over who says clownish shit for cheap laughs while making the PC look cool in comparison.

Paul: But his story was interesting and spoke to the economic reality of our times.

Me: I didn’t think I would like him because he started out as an assclown/raging homophobe but he turned out to be a real Brosuke.

Me: 

Paul: His parents' big box store ruining the town's business, and he has to go to school with everybody's kids...that was honestly pretty sad.

Me: Those mean girls working part-time at Junes kept making him change their schedule then made fun of him over the girl he liked dying lmao.

Me: Fortunately he didn’t yell at me when I tried to fight them like Chie and Naoto did.

Paul: Haha did they?

Paul: Naoto was cool! Best shadow boss fight.

Me: There’s a part in their social links where you can try to fight somebody for them and they get offended if you do lol.

Me: There’s a guy with a knife! What will you do?
> Protect Naoto
> Push Naoto in front of you

Me: “Senpai! I’m the world’s greatest detective, don’t try to protect me just because I’m a girl!”

Me: You ingrate!

Paul: I don't remember hanging out with death.

Me: There’s this old lady in a mourning dress who’s like “I AM DEATH… lol jk my husband just died.” Never saw her again though so she stayed at rank 1.

Paul: I loved that old woman!! She was a lonely old widow, it was sweet.

Paul: I completed her social link immediately lol I love fucking old people.

Me: “I love fucking old people.” - Paul ‘GILF Fucker’ Hendershot

Me: Idk I never saw her when running around town, idk where or when she spawns.

Paul: Riverbank.

Paul: Really you liked Rise? I know she turned it to be a pretty real person in the end, but idk I liked 1 Chie 2 Naoto 3 Yukiko 4 Rise of the main girls.

Me: I won’t accept this slander. Rise is best girl.

Me: She and Roger are going to get married and run a small tofu restaurant in the Japanese countryside.

Paul: Who is Roger?

Paul: Did you name your PC Roger hahaha

Paul: Rise was cool. honestly all the people you could date were chill in the end, once you got to know them. Even Ai Ebihara apparently, though I thought she was a nasty slut so I never did her link.

Me: Her social link is like Jack in ME2 where you get the option to bone her early but you have to turn her down to get her to realize her self-worth and stop being a slut.

Me: I just friendzoned all the girls once Rise joined the party.

Me: It was super awkward with Yukiko, she was like come to this shrine with me, I SAID A PRAYER TO BECOME A WOMAN WORTHY OF YOU.

“Oh….. we’re just friends.”

Paul: Nooo Yukiko, haha

Normal

Me: I guess Adachi was the killer all along but I never found any clues because I never talked to him.

Me: It’s not easy being a teen detective.

Paul: Oh did you finish?

Paul: How was it?

Paul: Idk honestly it wasn't obvious to me either.

Me: No he just escaped into the TV after being confronted about his crimes by a gang of gender-confused children.

Paul: TBF gangs of gender-confused children have proven rather dangerous recently.

Me: OK Jordan Peterson.

Paul: Ummm I'm sorry, you're Catholic and you have to follow the Pope.

Me: They vote how the archbishop tells them, and who tells the archbishop? Their king in the pointy hat what sits on his throne in Rome.
 
Me:

Me: Incels at it again.

Paul: Hahahaha

Look! The Burglar!

Me: Oh God let me out
Can you let me out
Can you set me free from this dark inner world

Paul: The fucking reporters

Paul: They were so over the top.

Paul: Remember the murderer/burglar guy in Death Note Live Action?

Me: The Japanese one or the terrible Netflix remake?

Paul: The Japanese one you, I, and Will watched.

Paul: The one you would quote: "There are ca-me-ras."

Me: I just remember you talking to a little girl on the bus who was wearing a Shinigami shirt or something.

Me: Hahaha

Me: That weird line reading is the only thing I remember from that movie.

Paul: At one point a guy stole something from Misa Misa's house and they saw him in the yard, and said, "Look! The burglar!"

Paul: And the burglar turned around, and stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes, like a complete maniac.

Paul: Then he scaled a tree like a monkey to escape.

Me: Like a true samurai.

Strange Student

Paul:

Paul: Hope you like this minigame from Persona 4.
 

Me: I’m in a dungeon that’s supposed to look like a video game, searching for the black-eyed high school student who is allegedly the killer.

 

Paul: Do you think it's him?

Paul: I mean it's a little too obvious lol.
 

Me: I remembered him as a suspect from when he harassed Yukiko at the beginning and then wasn’t seen again but I’m only 25 hours in and supposedly this is an 80+ hour game so...

 

Me:

 

Paul: All things have their anime. 

 

Me: To everything turn, turn, turn 

There is an anime turn, turn, turn 

Me: When I hear Star Wars, I think of the memories I have of the Special Edition changes, and playing video game demos as a kid on my PC. Yoda Stories. Star Warped. I think of the first books I ever read with the EU, Jedi Apprentice and the Journal entries, back in middle school. I think of that old dingy tape recorder we had to play the audiobooks of the movies. It takes me back to my old house on 1712 Laurel Street, in the little cul-de-sac looping around the swamp. I think of the Special Edition Jabba the Hutt toy I had, and the AT-AT walker, and the X-wing, and Kenner's Star Destroyer. I think of the 1990s, pure and raw and undiluted, high prospects, great economy, the best time alive to be a kid. And I just wish I could go back so much... I want to go back and be alive...

Me: People think going back to the '90s would be all fun and games, then it happens and they’re crushed under the moral obligation of trying to prevent 9/11.

Paul: Hahaha you should've based your nostalgia on the Nintendo.

 

Paul: Less can go wrong.

 

Me: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions.

Bear Looks Like a Lady

Me: Oh no, RIP King Moron.

Me: Why did Teddie become an androgynous twink?

Me: I can’t play this game anymore.

Paul: Teddy is me in the game.

Paul: if u h8 him u h8 (1) me (2) all trans teens

Me: Thanks I hate it.

Paul: why he's cute hahaha

Me: It’s like if Chewbacca became a femboy halfway through the trilogy.

Me: Oh no is he romanceable?

Paul: No I don't think so.

Me: Why would they give you the option to fuck a bear?

Me: Not that kind of bear.

Paul: Honestly though, fucking a femboy furry is pretty low, very internet creep.

Me: At least it’s not a 12-year-old band geek.

Don't Ask, Do Tell

Paul: There are like 5 girls anyways but IIRC kung fu spaz is the fan favorite.

Paul: Don't tell me you prefer Yuki!

Paul: Yukiko.

Me: No it’s too weird how the game keeps having her get hit on by elderly men.

Paul: Okay.... I don't recall this.... Like, actually sexually hit on? Or just like they think she's a good young woman?

Me: She does a TV interview where the reporter is like “You sure look hot in that kimono, I bet you have guys coming by your inn all the time!”

Me: Maybe Kirk did the translation.

Paul: Japanese are so perverts.

Paul: Remember Mr. Moraoka?

Paul: Ugh.

Me: “King Moron” the anti-pervert.

Me: He’s so against perversion it’s perverted.

Me: The two universal themes of anime are guys being perverts and characters constantly thinking about food.

Me: I guess the Japanese are constantly hungry because all they eat is noodles.

Paul: This is why they lost the war.

Me: Apparently there is also a transgender girl who is a popular character?

Me: So progressive for Japan, who apparently put a gay panic rape scene in the follow-up game.

Paul: She's a tomboy who really wanted to be a son.

Paul: Idk if she's "transgender."

Paul: Haha wait until you see how they treat the ambiguously gay character in THIS game!

Me: Bro this game is savage.

Me: I failed a flirt roll and it said “Unfortunately you didn’t actually have the courage to say that.”

Me: It really is just like high school!

Paul: Haha RAISE YOUR STATS

Me: YOU CAN ONLY RAISE YOUR STATS BY EATING BEEF

Me: I’m RPing as a vegan.

Paul: I forget what the best way to raise stats was.

Paul: Was it eating at the best restaurant? I kind of think so.

Me: Rainy Day Beef Bowl Challenge or something.

Paul: Very powerful soup.

Paul: Didn't it raise like 40 stats at once?

Paul: Lol video game.

Me: It raises all your stats but only if you already have high enough stats.

Me: My diligence is too low from not going to soccer practice so I can’t get the full boost.

Paul: Dude sports practice!!

Paul: Isn't there a social link from that?

Me: Yeah but those are the most boringest characters.

Me: I can’t force myself to play sports in video games.

Paul: Hahaha dude....IIRC I too immediately dropped their social link.

Paul: Did not care about those characters.

Paul: I think my fave was the little brother of the first murder victim.

Paul: Think he only shows up much later.

Me: Yeah haven’t met him yet.

Me: I am in like early June after playing for 13 hours.

Paul: Does it start in April? Japanese school year is weird.

Me: I think so.

Me: It took me a while to figure out why I was going to school on Saturday.

Paul: lol

Paul: What dungeons have you completed?

Me: Yokiko castle and Gay Guy gay sauna.

Paul: Yukiko was a hard boss for me!

Paul: Omg that guy is so gay but like...idk I think they portray him as straight later on? It's weird. Cool character though.

Me: I think she killed my whole team but I have it set to the lowest difficulty so they just came back to life.

Me: When he sublimated his shadow he realized that his queerness wasn’t caused by his hatred of women but by his fear of being rejected.

Paul: Oh one of THOSE.

Me: It’s not about who he’s attracted to, it’s about loving himself so others can love him as well.

Me: But he is totally gay though.

Paul: I still... yeah I thought it was interesting but a lil off, like they couldn't have a full gay character. Idk, compared to [what] we have today, a bi guy who goes gay because it's easier and less stressful than getting pussy is... kind of refreshingly nuanced?

Me: Yuoususkaske is clearly queer-coded by his homo devotion to the protagonist + going into gay panic in the face of Tatusumeisme’s openly gay shadow self.

Me: I read an article about how this game was a complete failure of LGBT representation because the gays weren’t gay enough and the trans wasn’t really trans.

Me: The solution is to make every character in Persona 6 bisexual so the player can fuck all of them.

Paul: ME3 style!

Paul: You're right, it's actually better that it be a little ambiguous.

Me: They did that in Dragon Age II where every romance NPC will respond to you the same regardless of your gender.

Paul: Americans want to slot people into sex categories lol, maybe WE'RE autistic and the Japanese are actually normal.

Me: That is less interesting to me because it kind of takes away from your ability to customize your character, your gender doesn’t really matter if the game doesn’t acknowledge it.

Me: But whatever, just let me fuck them all!

Me: Well it probably doesn’t help that all the DA2 characters are boring and lame.

Paul: In a game called Dick Ass 2...? No kidding.

Paul: Dude who's the best character?

Paul: In your opinion.

Me: Well from watching the anime intro there are two more party members to recruit, girl with pigtails and trans detective.

Paul: I mean generally, including the NPCs.

Me: I like Chai Tea, Yousuke, your uncle the cop, and the little girl.

Me: Oh and the fox.

Paul: Chie is honestly a good sturdy woman.

Paul: The uncle rocks.

Me: I laughed out loud when the game was like “gather the gang to discuss the case?” and then the fox was randomly there sitting at the table with everyone and no one commented on it.

Paul: Anime moment.

Paul: Anyhow you forgot to mention Teddy.

Paul: The greatest bear alive.

Me: He’s an empty costume.

Paul: Have you seen inside?

Paul: Scary.

Me: Are you supposed to figure out who the killer is? Like is it an established character or just some bullshit demon or something?

Paul: Figure it out, it's a person in the game with a portrait and everything.

Me: Ok cool.

Anime Murder Mystery

Me: Hahaha what the fuck

 

Paul: It's an anime murder mystery!! Inside the television sets of a small town!

Me: Anime Twin Peaks, basically.

Me: Is this what they call a “visual novel”?

Me: 90% of the gameplay so far is clicking through text.

Paul: Japanese games are kind of on rails, they can be super linear.

Paul: This one is super linear.

Paul: Yeah the entire plot is on a timer like in ME2 after the Collectors attacked the ship.

Paul: You're on a schedule the entire game.

Paul: Only covers you have are when to do main plot things and whom to hang out with outside of school.

Paul: Honestly, just play Fallout 2. Less time investment and less Japanese.

Me: I can’t with those old CRPGs.

Me: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

Paul: You'll never escape clicking.

Paul: Fallout 2 is honestly better storywise.

Paul: No but actually there are a lot of keyboard shortcuts, like K kills something etc.

Paul: Yeah Persona 4 is in retrospect like 50 hours of JRPG spreadsheet and calendar management with a totally bizarre anime main plot and admittedly good anime side plots, nice design and great music.

Paul: If you don't like anime I don't think you'll finish it.

Paul: Also it's annoying near the end where you have to get things exactly right or else it gives you a shit ending haha.

Paul: Fallout 2, Subnautica, Tyranny, Outer Worlds... All objectively better.

Paul: If you want a linear story-based RPG, then I guess it's your ticket?

Paul: .....But if you want a story-based RPG in a really well built WORLD, like Mass Effect or Kotor, srsly it's not the game for you, the others are.

Paul: Surely the CRPG is less foreign to you than the JRPG?

Me: It’s weird and different but I don’t dislike it. The time management stuff is getting irritating because apparently you have to join clubs and get a job to raise your stats but that limits potential party interactions.

Me: Unless it’s a false dilemma like in those stupid Telltale games and none of your choices actually matter.

Me: Combat is a little tedious but basically just Pokémon so I’m used to it.

Me: Otherwise it’s fine. Whereas I was unable to progress very far in Planescape: Torment because the interface was so dense and unintuitive.

Paul: You 100% have to pick and choose. I think technically if you follow a guide you can do it all but lol how annoying.

Paul: I think that game is boring. All the lore is D&D lore. That's such a boring world.

Paul: Idk yeah I think it doesn't matter too much what you tell your party members.... Except for a handful of cases.

Me: I remember playing the Telltale Walking Dead game like 10 years ago and there’s one part where one of your party members abruptly gets murdered so I was like whoops must have picked a wrong dialogue so I replayed that section half a dozen times before realizing oh you can’t prevent this I guess. So I replayed other parts where you had to make decisions and you eventually were railroaded to same place either way.

Me: What a betrayal lol.

Paul: Yeah well

Paul: Idk, actually I remember there are some decisions which don't matter (most story events) and a fair number that do.

Paul: Like, if you're doing a character's side quest and they ask you a question... Like once every two or three choices it's am important one. You have to rely on your understanding of that character to say the right thing to them.

Paul: Fuck it up and they'll like you less.... Sometimes just stop hanging with you altogether.

Paul: You know, in the massive emphasis on character side quests it IS a lot like Mass Effect.

Paul: ME2 specifically.

Me: Do the characters from like band club or whatever eventually become involved in the TV world plot or are they permanent distractions?

Paul: Some do... It might surprise you what characters the TV plotline suddenly entraps.

Paul: But mostly no.

Paul: You know....a group of high school kids dealing with a supernatural threat is actually right up your alley. You like Animorphs, you probably liked Stranger Things.

Paul: You will eventually have a choice between band and theatre. I recommend you choose theater, that character's narrative is a lot more compelling.

Paul: Full disclosure: I chose band camp and the band camp girl is super cute and I was down with being her platonic friend.

Paul: And then the game decided this 12-year-old had a crush on the MC, and that you could date her and it wasn't weird at all.

Paul: Of course the real problem is that she's a boring character compared to the theater girl.

Paul: Anyways if you dislike a character you can just ignore them and not be their friend, skipping their activity.

Paul: Date a 12-year-old, it's cool in Japan.

Paul: Don't you want to be cool?

Me: I do like the premise! Also very Twin Peaks with some Stephen King’s It.

Me: They should have stopped Stranger Things after season 1.

Paul: Yes.

Me: The latest season is better but each episode is the length of feature film so I can’t force myself to sit through it.

Paul: Yes.

Paul: This is the story of all television.

Paul: I mean, IMO it may also be the story of Western Civilization but jury's out.

Me: Feel bad for Gen Z who has to “binge watch” terrible Netflix shows just to maintain any meaningful social interaction with each other.

Me: In high school I was binging 30-year-old detective shows on DVD.

Paul: You could still be a rebel today I think.

Me:

Paul: Idk how it'd go down.

Paul: The nouveau fascism is worse on the coasts and with the rich.

Me: But the real question is

Me: Which underage schoolgirl in this pervert game is best waifu?

Me: I feel like the game is pushing me toward spastic kung fu movie nerd girl by front-loading her interactions.

Paul: I went with her, she's down to earth.

Paul: Another girl who shows up late in the game is also great though.

Persona Non Grata

Me: Have you played any of the Persona games?

Me: “They're contemporary games set in modern Japan with a very refreshing urban fantasy take based on Jungian psychology and world mythology as opposed to Tolkienesque fantasy, and they're turn based but with a really snappy style of combat. If you can get past some of the anime tropes I feel you'll get everything from those games that you'd also get from a bioware joint.”

Paul: Yes I love them.

Paul: Persona 4 was cool.

Paul: 5 jumped the shark and the main plot made no sense, so it was frustrating.

Paul: 3 is a little too hardcore for most people, the story gets dark near the end and the battles can be so fucking unfair.

Paul: I'd recommend playing Persona 4 for the PS2, then P3 if you liked P4.

Paul: Idk though tbf, they are very anime.

Paul: I'm not sure you'd like them if you're not a little weeaboo.

Me: THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED

Me: I was listening to a let's play of KOTOR 2 and the guy kept saying that it reminded him of Persona, but not sure if he meant the subject matter or the awkward fan service.