Sexy Teens with Dumb Names in the Post-Apocalypse, Part 2 of 100

Previously on Lost . . .

A plane carrying a group of improbably attractive main characters and several dozen disposable extras crash-lands in a jungle. Suffering only superficial injuries, the survivors look for leadership from a male character who invents a talismanic credo that will serve as the basic morality of this fledgling society: “Live together, die alone” I mean “Whatever the hell we want.” Meanwhile, the hot brunette wastes no time in taking off her clothes and the main minority character meets with contempt and violence from some of the castaways for past transgressions he had no part in. All is not what it appears in this seemingly idyllic place, however, as our heroes are confronted with strange animals and beset by monsters. After one of their group is attacked and killed by an unseen tribe of hostile natives, someone helpfully announces, “We’re not the only people on this island and we all know it!”

Also Desmond is there.

Dramatis Personae

BELLAMY BLAKE, a sexy bad-boy teen, wants to rule the 100
OCTAVIA BLAKE, a sexy brunette teen, hidden under the floor by her parents
DESMOND FROM LOST, vice president of humanity, wants to kill hundreds
ERIC, Bellamy’s teen enforcer
CLARK GRIFFIN, a sexy blonde teen, no-nonsense personality and messiah complex (the hero)
CLARK’S MOM GRIFFIN, Clark’s mom, mastermind behind the 100 Project
ASIAN GUY, a technological whiz kid, Jasper’s best friend
KELLY HU, Desmond’s girlfriend
JASPER, a terrible hipster named after a terrible hipster vampire
THE PRESIDENT OF SPACE, well-meaning but ineffectual Obama stand-in
PRESIDENT JR., his teen son, well-meaning but ineffectual love interest for Clark
FLYNN RIDER, another sexy bad-boy teen, rebel with a heart of gold

Episode 2 opens with Clark, Octavia, Flynn Rider, and Asian Guy running through the jungle, freaking out over Jasper’s comically violent death. They stop to catch their breath and notice a skeleton just lying there on the ground. Clark picks up the skull, which is a perfectly natural thing to do, and they see that it is elongated and malformed and looks like E.T. The gang discusses in hushed whispers the possibility that humanity did not die out on the planet but lived through the nuclear holocaust as mutated troglodytes. Suddenly their attention is drawn by a faraway scream. Clark immediately recognizes it as Jasper, despite the fact that Jasper’s dead and it was just established that there are other humans in the area. They head back toward the river anyway and find only a pool of blood where they left Jasper’s body. Unfortunately no one throws a spear at any of them this time.

On the Ark, Clark’s mom and the other scientists are still deliberating over the increasing number of the 100 whose life support monitors have gone dark. Everyone thinks they’re dying from the radiation but Clark’s mom insists there must be some mysterious other explanation. Why can no one figure out that they’re just taking the wristbands off? It’s not a fucking Pip-Boy, you just have to kind of pull at it a little bit and it comes right off. Living in their stupid suburban space satellite, driving their stupid space minivans, working stupid nine-to-five space jobs, are these people just too stupid to figure out kids these days? Actually that probably goes without saying. Space President comes in and acts all broken up over his son’s monitor being blank, even though he was the one who sent President Jr. to his certain death in the first place. Space President and Clark’s mom rehash plot exposition from the first episode and Desmond is like, “Let’s cut the bullshit, the earth is clearly still a radioactive wasteland so can we start killing people now please?” and oh my god did Clark’s mom just say Space President’s name is “Thelonious”? WTF Bellamy, Clark♀, Octavia, Thelonious. Was this show originally written for Fanfiction.net?

Later, Thelonious Monk and Desmond From Lost discuss the option of murdering countless civilians. Desmond tells the president that he was shot by Bellamy Blake, who then stowed away on the dropship with help from unknown agents. So since no one knew Bellamy was on the ship, did they actually intend to send only 99 teenage hooligans to Earth? But they were already using the term “the 100” even before he stowed away. So should the name of the show actually be The 101? Whatever, for the sake of my own tally I’m just going to assume they were rounding up from 99. The writers didn’t care enough to clarify it so I’m not going to care either. Space President blames Desmond for the attempt on his life regardless, and for trying to kill Clark’s mom out of revenge. Desmond protests that he was just following the law, to which Space President replies, “This job requires more than simply following the law; it requires knowing when not to.” They should have just called him Thelonious Obama and let the viewer connect the dots.

Meanwhile, the 98 have been on Earth about a day and a half and are still more concerned with picking fights over a shirt than with eating. President Jr. is trying to maintain order at the camp while Bellamy continues to encourage anarchy, because I guess that advances his plan somehow? That guy whose name I thought was Eric but whose real name is apparently Murphy is trying to torture some girl into removing her wristband by pushing her face into a campfire. President Jr. flies to her rescue and despite his wounded leg manages to batter Eric into submission, but then Clark shows up all outraged and demands that President Jr. let him go. What the hell, you stupid bimbo, just let him kill that dork. Jesus, is she really supposed to be the hero of this show? It’s like Dino-Riders all over again.

All the misguided heroism, none of the awesome.

Anyway Clark and the rest of the A-Team have returned to camp for supplies and reinforcements before they set out to rescue Jasper, because they’re convinced they heard him scream once. He’s dead, just leave him! Clark makes an impassioned speech about how all the people taking their wristbands off are idiots and how the 98 and the people on the Ark are depending on each other for survival. “Don’t listen to her, she’s one of the privileged!” Bellamy argues, which is apparently a lot more convincing than Clark’s warnings about all the perils lurking in the jungle. “The Grounders should worry about us!” Bellamy proclaims. Faced with her complete and total failure to score any points in favor of civilization or rationality, Clark concedes the debate by wandering off to go look for Jasper again.

President Jr. volunteers to go with her, pointing out that his leg is practically healed and that he MacGyvered a backpack and a stretcher out of rubbish from the crash, but Clark shoots him down because she’s a racist. She also refuses Asian Guy’s help, putting him to work trying to turn the wristbands into radio transmitters, because sure, why wouldn’t that work? Asian Guy was “raised on Farm Station and recruited by engineering,” whatever that means, so they’re depending on his knowledge to save them all, says Clark. In other words they’re completely screwed.

It turns out that Clark’s plan to go back to camp for reinforcements was really just a plan to ditch everyone but Flynn Rider, presumably because all the girls on this show want to jump his bones. Flynn wants no part of this suicide mission within a suicide mission, however, and points out that they all have to be nuts for wanting to risk their lives looking for a loser like Jasper. Clark retaliates by insulting Flynn’s manhood, and Asian Guy tearfully tells him that Jasper looked up to him. Did Jasper even know him for more than like ten minutes?

Despite just telling President Jr. he can’t go with her, Clark does nothing to stop him from going with her. On their way out, Clark bullies Bellamy into joining her party by saying that everyone will think he’s a pussy for not going. Confounded by her logic, Bellamy and his goons agree to help out. Eric asks why they would waste their time on this bullshit rescue mission and Bellamy explains that he intends to get Clark’s wristband, even if he has to cut off her hand to do it. Before they leave, he assigns another of his henchmen to stay behind and keep Octavia from following them or having sex. I thought the guy’s name was ADAM, but apparently it’s actually “ATOM,” which is just

At some point in all this teen drama we are introduced to a new character, a smoking hot space mechanic chick named EBONY DARK’NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY. While floating around outside the Ark doing space mechanic things, she notices that a certain section of the station is undamaged. The space government had said that this nonexistent damage had resulted in the accidental launch of the ship that, unbeknownst to the Ark’s populace, carried the 100 to Earth. The government has been lying to its people! Then she goes to visit her boyfriend in juvie.

I wish this was a screencap from this show.

Clark’s mom turns her away at the door, however, saying that the prison is quarantined due to some sort of virus. “The council’s hiding something, and I’m gonna find out what it is!” Ebony declares angrily, then storms off to her next scene. Clark’s mom’s friend, some guy who I thought was Lieutenant Gaeda from Battlestar Galactica but is actually just some guy, tells Clark’s mom that Desmond has been trying to persuade the rest of the Space Council to support his vote to start killing people and maybe they should do something to convince them otherwise. But Clark’s mom is all “whatever, just keep trying to magically turn those blood pressure monitors into iPhones or something.”

Back on Craphole Planet, the show starts to retcon itself two episodes into its first season. “You don’t survive a spear through the heart,” Bellamy argues. “Jasper screamed when they moved him,” Clark replies. “If the spear struck his heart, he’d have died instantly.” Because, yeah, a spear thrown 300 feet with enough force to physically lift him up off the ground, carry him several feet backward through the air, and embed itself deeply enough in his chest to remain sticking out of him at a 90-degree angle is nothing to worry about, just as long as it missed his heart. His one weak spot! Attention, writers: if you wanted to end your pilot episode with one of the main characters being shockingly murdered in a very graphic and brutal way, you can’t immediately bring him back in the next episode just because “it missed his heart.” Either have him stay dead or don’t write the scene like that in the first place. Otherwise it’s fucking cheap.

Unless we’re talking about this Jasper.

Bellamy has had enough of this shit and pulls his gun on Clark. He tells her to take off her wristband, but she says no and he just gives up and never tries to get it again during the rest of the trip. Flynn Rider shows up because he is a rebel with a heart of gold, and while Clark goes off to flirt with him Bellamy commiserates with President Jr. “We both came down here to protect someone we love,” he says. “Of course, for you it’s worse. With Flynn around, Clark doesn’t even see you. It’s like you’re not even here.”

Meanwhile, Atom locks Octavia in the crashed spaceship. “Is this all you got?” she shouts, pounding on the door. “They locked me under the floor for sixteen years just for being born!” In case we forgot. She has a scene with Asian Guy, who is also in the ship, wherein we see that Octavia also has a heart of gold and really isn’t such a bad girl after all, but I don’t care because Asian Guy’s bro love for Jasper has irrevocably tainted his character for me. Atom comes back and lets Octavia out. “You’re too hot to be my brother’s bitch,” she says. “I’m no one’s bitch,” Atom replies dangerously. Why are all the kids today such hot bitches? Why can’t they just play baseball in the vacant corner lot and smile shyly at one another from across the classroom and run down the street after the ice cream truck on hot summer days?

Meanwhile, Clark’s mom’s friend is still trying to get Clark’s mom to focus on this kind of important vote they have coming up but she keeps blowing him off. Ebony suddenly falls out of an air duct. Clark’s mom’s friend wants to have her arrested for spying but Clark’s mom ignores him because Ebony claims to know why the 98’s wristband signals keep going dead. “They’re taking them off,” she deduces immediately. Hey, idiots! I tried to tell you that last episode! You could have saved a lot of time if you’d just listened. “Why would they do something so reckless?” wonders Clark’s mom’s friend, utterly flabbergasted. Clark’s mom answers with a smile of understanding: “Because they’re twelve.” “Because we told them not to.”

Meanwhile Bellamy calls Clark “Princess” twice.

“I am not a princess and where did I get this scarf?”

The Space Council convenes to discuss what to do about their impending doom situation (there are four months of oxygen left and it will take six months to fix the life support). The council consists of Space Obama, Desmond, Clark’s mom, some fat guy with a beard, and three other people. Desmond, of course, is all about committing genocide ASAP, but Clark’s mom argues in favor of giving the 98 more time to not die of radiation poisoning. “Data indicates that the violent criminals in the group are eight times more likely to have terminated signals,” she explains. “What the hell kind of data is that?” asks Fat Guy. “How would you even determine something like that? Do you at least have a graph or something?” No I’m just kidding, he says nothing.

Desmond points out that every day they delay is an additional ten people who will have to be executed to prolong the oxygen supply. He demands an immediate vote. The council votes immediately and is split down the middle, leaving Space Obama to break the tie. He gives some weak-ass little speech that doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Everyone ignores it and Fat Guy demands to know how he votes. Space Obama surprises them all by abstaining, meaning that the vote will be tabled until the next council meeting ten days later. Desmond throws a fit over having to murder an additional 100 innocent people and storms out, but I like to think he was smiling on the inside. “You have ten days,” Space President says to Clark’s mom. Yeah, just shoot anyone into space who threatens the status quo, but when it’s time to make a decision that affects everyone on the station, that’s when you get squeamish. Not my president!

That night, far below all this intense political drama, Atom takes Octavia to this grove filled with blue bioluminescent butterflies. Thousands of them start flying around, filling the forest with wonder and enchantment and I was so psyched for this flock of mutant butterflies to suddenly turn vicious and start attacking them but the writers didn’t go that way. Wasted opportunity. Anyway I guess Atom and Octavia are in love now or something, since they’ve called each other hot bitches and all. He tells her how lucky she is that her brother loves her. He’s envious of her, even though she had to live under the floor for sixteen years. No, dude, check your priorities.

I guess we have to go back to Clark’s group now. As they hike toward where Jasper disappeared, Flynn muses about the circumstances of their attack. “They waited for us to cross [the river],” Clark realizes. “It’s a boundary.” Good theory, except the spear came from the side of the river you were already on YOU DIP. Why would the “Grounders,” as you call them, arbitrarily choose that random river as the outer edge of their murderzone and then attack you from a location that would drive you farther into their territory? So after discussing how to cross the river is to take your life in your hands, they get to the river and cross without incident. Well, almost. Flynn pauses to playfully pull Clark into the water and she whines at him that they don’t have time for fun. The life of some hipster douchebag everyone hates is at stake!

Flynn starts to psychoanalyze Clark’s character arc and how her inability to save her father drives her need to save everyone else, but forget all that bullshit because it’s time to find Jasper crucified on the Tree of Woe.

Not worth it.

They hurry to cut Jasper down and stupid Clark falls into a pit full of spikes. Bellamy manages to catch her by the hand but (awesomely) considers letting her fall to her death anyway. He hesitates too long, however, as President Jr. and Flynn rush over and pull her to safety. Now considering the possibility that the mortally wounded dude strung up as live bait could have been left there as part of a trap, they more carefully proceed to bring the (unfortunately) still breathing Jasper down from the tree. Suddenly a black panther, which is what I assume the Grounders were trying to catch for some reason (wouldn’t it be easier to hunt the mutant two-faced deer from the pilot episode?), comes charging out of the underbrush. Everyone freezes in terror until Clark shrieks for Bellamy to shoot it. Bellamy reaches for his gun, only to find it missing. He looks over to see it in the hands of President Jr., who empties the clip into the big cat, stopping it literally dead in its tracks, because a lifetime aboard a pressurized space station has given him ample time to hone his marksmanship. No but it is kind of a badass moment though. Despite being a naïve dork, President Jr. is fast becoming one of my favorite characters, probably because he’s one of the few who doesn’t seem like a complete idiot. Also he just killed an apex predator with a handgun, and as an American I am compelled to give him the maddest props for that. Clark gapes at President Jr. in awe and slight arousal. “Now she sees you,” Bellamy tells him, vindicating Elliot Rodger’s theory on gender relations.

On the Ark, Clark’s mom pays a visit to Ebony the hot space mechanic. They have ten days to prove that the earth is inhabitable or else Desmond is going to murder hundreds of people, she explains. Since Ebony is “the youngest zero-g mechanic in fifty-two years,” she is the only one who can repair this busted-up old escape pod and get it ready to survive reentry. Clark’s mom is going down to the planet to find the 98, and Ebony agrees to help on the condition that they both go so she can find her boyfriend. I wonder who it could be!

In the final minutes of the episode, Clark’s party finally returns to their camp, Jasper’s unconscious body and the dead panther in tow. Bellamy offers the panther up to the rest of the 98 as food, because I guess they finally realized that they hadn’t eaten in days. The price of a meal ticket, however, is the removal of their wristbands. Clark whines about this, so Flynn just walks up to the barbecue and brings her back a piece of cat meat. Eric confronts him: “What, you think you play by different rules?” “I thought there were no rules,” Flynn responds, his eyes twinkling keenly. Flummoxed by this irrefutable rebuttal, Eric and Bellamy are forced to let him get away with this effrontery. Some random dude walks up and tries to pull the same trick and Bellamy beats the shit out of him.

Bellamy goes looking for Octavia and finds her making out with Atom. As punishment, Bellamy and his gang crucify Atom by stringing him up from the branches of a tree. “I won’t be disobeyed,” Bellamy tells him sternly as they walk away and leave him hanging there. Way to pussy out, Belamy; the Romans used nails. But little do they know that the Predator is watching from the treetops . . .

“Any time . . .”

So other than introducing the hot space mechanic character and marginally advancing the Ark plot by setting up Clark’s mom’s trip to Earth, not a lot happened in this episode. Most of the Earth plot was spent undoing the big event from the end of the previous episode. There were a few little character moments sprinkled throughout, but they mainly just elaborated on character traits and relationships established in the pilot. Some shows will slow down a little in the first episode after the pilot, repeating a lot of the information given in the previous episode and giving the audience a chance to absorb it all and make sure they’re on the same page before continuing on with the main thrust of the season. Which is fine, whatever, but The 98 already has one huge unforgivable sin against it in the resurrection of Jasper; I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take.

Desmond continues to be awesome but underused, the president continues to be a clueless asshole, Octavia continues to be the Girl in the Floor. So far it’s just more of the same, but we’ve got three or four different love triangles brewing right now so my hopes remain high for future developments.

Seriously, though, fuck Jasper. Fuck him with a spear, his main love interest at this point.