Episodic Nostalgia: Beast Wars

Remember when “must-see TV” didn’t mean you were literally required to watch every episode of a given show if you didn’t want to completely lose track of the plot? Television was once known as a medium where characters and situations never changed. Which comes first in story chronology, the episode where Lucy works in a chocolate factory or the episode where Lucy sets her nose on fire? The episode where Dick Van Dyke is a homicidal photographer, or the episode where Johnny Cash kills his pregnant underage mistress in a plane crash? It doesn’t matter, because the events have no relation to one another; in the golden age of television, almost every episode was a self-contained universe of storytelling.

Now, quick: what is the best TV show of the last 20 years? Conventional wisdom would suggest you picked either The Sopranos, The Wire, or Breaking Bad (with a begrudging allowance for Mad Men). Besides phenomenal writing, acting, directing, and the ability to drop the occasional f-bomb (or 3,500), what do these shows have in common? How about the fact that if you watch a random episode from the middle of any of them you’ll likely have no idea what anyone’s talking about and find no emotional investment in the plot or characters?

As people’s attention spans have gotten shorter, and as digital delivery has addicted us to watching whole seasons at once, television’s reliance on its audience’s attention span has greatly increased. The medium, once structured around the kind of storytelling in which each installment ended at the same place it began, is now praised for narrative arcs that span an entire season at a time, if not the complete length of the show.

There’s a lot to be said for grade-A programs like Breaking Bad and The Sopranos, flawed experiments like Lost and the first four seasons of Dexter, and even relics of the ’90s like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Babylon 5, about their place in the history of television and its transition from episodic to serialized storytelling. But what happens to the old-style stories we once loved, now too boring to ever watch again because, even after an entire season, nothing actually happens?

I am an ardent supporter of languishing in misplaced nostalgia for our ill-spent youth, but seriously, who today would sit through half a dozen episodes of Goku fighting ghosts in the Other World?

Enter Episodic Nostalgia, a new series updated every whenever I feel like it. Episodic Nostalgia pinpoints the key installments of classic series, stringing them together into a semi-coherent narrative that may or may not have been originally intended by its creators! Following this guide, every episode you watch advances the plot and there is no filler—there’s no better way to watch a show you probably shouldn’t waste your time watching in the first place.

First up: Beast Wars!!

Beast Wars was a very good show, but one forever in the shadow (along with all other shows under the Transformers umbrella) of being made purely as a toy commercial. Produced by Mainframe Entertainment from 1996 to 1999, Beast Wars had to come of age in the shadow of not only the original Transformers cartoon of the 1980s, but also Mainframe’s groundbreaking original intellectual property, ReBoot.

Beast Wars tells the story of a marooned group of Transformers set centuries after the Generation One (G1) Transformers cartoon. The descendants of the ancient Autobots and Decepticons have developed into new factions: the heroic Maximals, led in the show by Optimus Primal, and the evil Predacons, led by the conniving genius Megatron (no relation to that other Megatron). Rather than disguising themselves as vehicles, these new Transformers take the forms of animals to protect their robotic bodies from the harmful radiation of an unstable form of the element Energon.

Despite a first season of largely hit-or-miss filler episodes, the Beast Wars creative team finally found their voice in the show’s impeccable second season and its regrettably rushed third. Today, Beast Wars is perhaps the series viewed most favorably by Transformers fans, who applaud it for its character development, long-running storylines, literary allusions, humor, and tasteful handling of mature themes in a children’s cartoon. While obviously an artifact from the early days of computer animation, the series remains completely watchable thanks to the strength of its writing and characters, especially once most of the character models receive a complete makeover in season two.

Anyone with even a passing interest in quality animation, or to whom Transformers means more than a whorish commercial brand name, would do well to follow this spoiler-lite episode guide to the best parts of a critically acclaimed but largely forgotten series.

 

“Beast Wars” (season 1, episodes 1 & 2)

 
Much like the original Transformers cartoon, Beast Wars begins with two enemy starships falling toward a planet. Over the course of the two-part pilot, we get to know the 10 original characters, eight of whom we’ll come to know even better over the course of the show’s run. We get a sense of what this conflict is about (at least initially) and how it started, and a general idea of how this story is connected to the ’80s cartoon we all remember. A little slow and occasionally awkward (“If we’re talking unnatural life forms, then we gotta be talking about just one thing: robots in disguise!” cries cocky teen-robot Cheetor), these episodes are nonetheless essential setup, if not the most accurate gauge for what the series will eventually become.

“Chain of Command” (season 1, episode 5)

 
Following filler episodes in which Cheetor must make amends for his youthful brashness and Cheetor and Terrorsaur switch places due to a wacky teleportation mishap, we get our first real “mytharc” episode. While investigating a strange artificial rock formation first glimpsed in the pilot, the Maximals are thrown into disarray when Optimus Primal disappears. Now leaderless and outnumbered, they must learn to reconcile their personality conflicts without guidance and work together as a team for the first time. A pretty basic “our leader is missing” episode, but notable for setting off the series’ long-running alien architects plotline.

“Fallen Comrades” (season 1, episode 7)

 
One filler episode later, we get our first addition to the main cast. In season one, all new characters arrive on the planet in a dormant state known as a “protoform.” As such, their allegiance, although Maximal by default, is not finalized, and each new arrival sparks off a race between the Maximals and Predacons to reach the new Transformer first and ensure its programming for their own side. The first such episode, “Fallen Comrades” does a decent job of establishing the situation’s stakes, with a wounded Optimus Primal planning the rescue strategy from the confines of a restoration chamber.

“Double Jeopardy” (season 1, episode 8)

 
The introduction of Blackarachnia, the first fully realized female character in the Transformers franchise. The rest of the plot, with Rattrap’s loyalty thrown abruptly into question, is one we’ve seen a hundred times before on a hundred other shows, but its moments of unexpected humor and intrigue save it from being the tedious filler of other episodes. Also Terrorsaur proves yet again that he will never be the iconic turncoat that Starscream was.

“A Better Mousetrap” (season 1, episode 9)

An episode of debatable necessity. Its introduction of Sentinel, the Maximals’ shipboard defense program, is essential, but the surrounding plot of Rattrap being forced to outsmart the security system that he programmed while the Predacons carry out some madcap scheme involving a bomb is apropos of nothing. Recommended for the sake of story inclusivity.

“The Spark” (season 1, episode 15)

 
This episode ratchets up the tension from “Fallen Comrades,” pitting Rhinox and Cheetor against the Predacon forces as they attempt to defend a dying protoform in uncharted territory. In addition to the show’s second female character, this episode also introduces the concept of the “spark,” which is basically the soul of a Transformer. Sparks play an important role throughout the rest of the show, and would go on to appear in almost every post-Beast Wars iteration of Transformers lore, including the loathsome Michael Bay movies.

“The Trigger” (season 1, episodes 16 & 17)

 
This two-part mytharc episode pits a stranded Tigatron and Airazor against Predacon soldiers Blackarachnia and Scorponok for control of an alien superweapon. Rhinox uncovers a mystery whose meaning won’t become apparent until the season finale, and the Transformers’ choice of violence over harmony is directly responsible for the direction of the first season’s concluding arc. A somewhat trite retelling of man’s expulsion from paradise, “The Trigger” is most notable for its development of Airazor and Tigatron’s relationship and advancing the alien architects subplot. 

 
“Spider’s Game” (season 1, episode 18)

 
The introduction of sadistic pyromaniac Inferno, season one’s final addition to the main cast. Even more important, however, is this episode’s development of Predacon “mad scientist” Tarantulas. Largely a bit player until this point, Tarantulas finally starts coming into his own as a rogue agent with private schemes and ambitions that do not align with Megatron’s. We also see the beginning of his dysfunctional relationship with Blackarachnia.

“Before the Storm” (season 1, episode 24)

When the Predacons discover evidence of impending alien activity, Megatron calls a truce to the Beast Wars to prepare for their encounter. The Maximals must infiltrate the Predacon base and find out what Megatron knows, but without breaking the precarious ceasefire. Mostly setup for the finale, this episode marks the show’s shift from season one’s disconnected standalone episodes to the tightly woven, story-driven structure that would dominate the much shorter second and third seasons.

“Other Voices” (season 1, episodes 25 & 26)

 
In this two-part season finale, the unseen alien architects finally make themselves known to the Transformers in a big way: by trying to blow up the planet. The Maximals and Predacons must ally with one another if they’re going to survive, but in the face of Megatron’s ambition, even the power of these otherworldly beings is just a temporary inconvenience. Almost every character gets a chance to shine here, with many divergent subplots running concurrently. Through it all there are wheels within wheels, alliances and betrayals and string-pulling, and when the final puppet master is revealed, not every character will make it to the cliffhanger alive.

“Aftermath” (season 2, episode 1)

 
The season two premiere introduces the concept of Transmetals, beginning the subtle theme of a technological arms race as certain Maximals and Predacons are upgraded to become more and more powerful. The Transformers must come to grips with the altered state of the Beast Wars in the wake of season one’s explosive finale, and Tarantulas and Blackarachnia’s relationship takes on a new twist.

“Coming of the Fuzors” (season 2, episodes 2 & 3)

 
This two-part episode sees the addition of two new characters to the main cast and finalizes the setup of the show’s new status quo moving forward. The tense final moments of part one, as the vastly outnumbered Rattrap, Dinobot, and Cheetor prepare for a hopeless last stand against the combined Predacon forces, remain one of the show’s highlights. Dinobot’s character arc for the rest of the season also kicks off in a very cool and unexpected way, an arc that will mark him as the most nuanced and interesting character in Transformers canon.

“Tangled Web” (season 2, episode 4)

 
The Tarantulas/Blackarachnia subplot, which has had a distinct undercurrent of domestic abuse for some time now, comes to a head in this episode. When Megatron dispatches Tarantulas, Blackarachnia, and Quickstrike to secure a newly discovered Energon deposit, Tarantulas decides that the time has come to strike out on his own for good, and he insists that Blackarachnia come with him. Driven to the brink of suicide by Tarantulas’s domination, Blackarachnia is forced to choose between taking a stand against her abuser or remaining his victim forever.

“Maximal, No More” (season 2, episode 5)

 
When captured by the Predacons, Dinobot decides to betray his friends and return to Megatron’s service. Although he initially intends this only as a ruse, he comes to find that he likes being back among his own kind. In this pivotal chapter of his character arc, Dinobot must wrestle with the insecurities and temptations that have hounded him this season and decide not only where he belongs, but who he truly is.

“Other Visits” (season 2, episodes 6 & 7)

 
The mysterious alien architects finally make their return, unleashing yet another superweapon against the Transformers, but this time Tarantulas and Megatron have plans of their own to defeat them. Once more the Maximals and Predacons must work together against a common foe, but when the double-cross comes this time, it leaves Megatron in control of technology that will change the shape of the Beast Wars. When the dust finally clears, some long-standing characters have been lost forever.

“Bad Spark” (season 2, episode 8)

 
The introduction of Rampage, one of the darkest characters in Transformers lore. A convicted mass murderer and sadist, Rampage reads as unremarkably flat on paper, but his characterization betrays, at odd moments, hints of an unrealized humanity. Also the beginning of Silverbolt and Blackarachnia’s bad romance.

 
“Code of Hero” (season 2, episode 9)

 
Transformers proves that it can occasionally be art.

“The Agenda” (season 2, episodes 11, 12, & 13)

 
The show’s only three-part episode is also one of its best. The Predacon government sends an assassin to dispose of Megatron, forcing him to at last put into motion the master plan that the entire season has been building toward. At stake this time is the fate of not just the Maximals or even the world, but the universe itself. This episode brings into play several elements from the G1 cartoon, including a major role for one of that show’s classic characters, and firmly cements the G1 mythology Beast Wars will follow for the remainder of its run.

“Optimal Situation” (season 3, episode 1)

 
The series undergoes a permanent change in setting and stakes as things are taken away from the Maximals that they have relied on since the pilot. Beast Wars’ third season is its darkest, as characters are changed against their will, relationships are broken and reforged, and Megatron has our heroes on the back foot from beginning to end.

“Deep Metal” (season 3, episode 2)

 
The introduction of Depth Charge, a badass lone wolf with a vendetta against Rampage and nothing nice to say about his fellow Maximals.

“Changing of the Guard” (season 3, episode 3)

 
The Maximals attempting to salvage their dire situation with the help of Sentinel, but Megatron has his own plans for the automated security program.

 

“Cutting Edge” (season 3, episode 4)
 

Mostly setup for the following two-parter, this episode establishes Transmetal 2 technology, Cheetor’s hormonal rebelliousness, and Blackarachnia’s third-season character arc.

“Feral Scream” (season 3, episodes 5 & 6)

 
Transmetal 2 technology enters the Beast Wars, forever changing two characters in drastically different ways.

“Proving Grounds” (season 3, episode 7)
 

Sick of not being accepted for who she is, Blackarachnia ventures off on her own, and comes to realize things about herself and her friends that she hadn’t before.

“Crossing the Rubicon” (season 3, episode 9)
 

The conclusion of Blackarachnia’s season-three arc.

 
“Master Blaster” (season 3, episode 10)
 

Megatron puts his plan to neutralize Optimus Primal into effect, but it has unforeseen consequences for the Predacon leader when Tarantulas finally shows his true colors.

“Other Victories” (season 3, episode 11)
 

The conclusion of the series-long alien architects story arc.

“Nemesis” (season 3, episodes 12 & 13)
 

After three seasons of quality content, Beast Wars was canceled by Hasbro in order to promote a new Transformers toyline. The creative team attempted to wrap up as many loose ends as possible, and while they weren’t entirely successful, the two-part series finale excels in spite of its artificial limitations. As the Maximals face their darkest hour, every character is pushed to the brink, and many of them, Maximal and Predacon alike, won’t make it to the final scene. This episode rounds out the show’s themes of sacrifice, cyclicity, redemption, suicide, and the price of revenge, and the ending we get is an ending well-deserved.

Other Episode Recommendations:

• “Gorilla Warfare” (season 1, episode 10). The Predacons infect the even-tempered Optimus Primal with a virus that turns him into a violent hothead with a ticking time bomb strapped to his chest. Minor character development for Optimus and Dinobot.
• “Victory” (season 1, episode 12). The Predacons are seemingly destroyed in an explosion, leaving the Maximals the apparent victors of the Beast Wars. Dinobot must come to terms with his identity as a warrior with no war to fight in.
• “Dark Designs” (season 1, episode 13). Rhinox is reprogrammed by the Predacons, but they discover that turning his intellect to evil may not work out for them the way they’d hoped. An interesting look at another side of Rhinox’s personality.
• “Possession” (season 1, episode 21). Absolute must-watch episode, just one with no effect on the ongoing story. G1 Decepticon Starscream returns to life in Waspinator’s body and proceeds to make everyone’s lives a living hell. Again.
• “The Low Road” (season 1, episode 22). The series’ only overtly comedic episode, and worth watching for that reason alone. Also the only episode to feature a farting rhinoceros.
• “Law of the Jungle” (season 1, episode 23). After a wild tiger is caught in the crossfire of the Beast Wars, Tigatron vows to fight no more forever, and Dinobot takes it upon himself to drag him back into the fray. Not a great episode, but it comes through with some much-needed development for Tigatron, as well as Dinobot’s views on the potential scope of the Beast Wars and why Megatron needs to be opposed.
• “Transmutate” (season 2, episode 10). Rampage befriends a deformed, brain-damaged protoform with advanced powers. I sure do love episodes of children’s cartoons that deal with themes of euthanasia and feature a cannibalistic serial killer as the most sympathetic character. Classic ’90s!

 

Beast Wars used be available on Netflix streaming, but now it’s not! You can get the complete series on DVD from Shout! Factory, however.

Sexy Teens with Dumb Names in the Post-Apocalypse, Part 2 of 100

Previously on Lost . . .

A plane carrying a group of improbably attractive main characters and several dozen disposable extras crash-lands in a jungle. Suffering only superficial injuries, the survivors look for leadership from a male character who invents a talismanic credo that will serve as the basic morality of this fledgling society: “Live together, die alone” I mean “Whatever the hell we want.” Meanwhile, the hot brunette wastes no time in taking off her clothes and the main minority character meets with contempt and violence from some of the castaways for past transgressions he had no part in. All is not what it appears in this seemingly idyllic place, however, as our heroes are confronted with strange animals and beset by monsters. After one of their group is attacked and killed by an unseen tribe of hostile natives, someone helpfully announces, “We’re not the only people on this island and we all know it!”

Also Desmond is there.

Dramatis Personae

BELLAMY BLAKE, a sexy bad-boy teen, wants to rule the 100
OCTAVIA BLAKE, a sexy brunette teen, hidden under the floor by her parents
DESMOND FROM LOST, vice president of humanity, wants to kill hundreds
ERIC, Bellamy’s teen enforcer
CLARK GRIFFIN, a sexy blonde teen, no-nonsense personality and messiah complex (the hero)
CLARK’S MOM GRIFFIN, Clark’s mom, mastermind behind the 100 Project
ASIAN GUY, a technological whiz kid, Jasper’s best friend
KELLY HU, Desmond’s girlfriend
JASPER, a terrible hipster named after a terrible hipster vampire
THE PRESIDENT OF SPACE, well-meaning but ineffectual Obama stand-in
PRESIDENT JR., his teen son, well-meaning but ineffectual love interest for Clark
FLYNN RIDER, another sexy bad-boy teen, rebel with a heart of gold

Episode 2 opens with Clark, Octavia, Flynn Rider, and Asian Guy running through the jungle, freaking out over Jasper’s comically violent death. They stop to catch their breath and notice a skeleton just lying there on the ground. Clark picks up the skull, which is a perfectly natural thing to do, and they see that it is elongated and malformed and looks like E.T. The gang discusses in hushed whispers the possibility that humanity did not die out on the planet but lived through the nuclear holocaust as mutated troglodytes. Suddenly their attention is drawn by a faraway scream. Clark immediately recognizes it as Jasper, despite the fact that Jasper’s dead and it was just established that there are other humans in the area. They head back toward the river anyway and find only a pool of blood where they left Jasper’s body. Unfortunately no one throws a spear at any of them this time.

On the Ark, Clark’s mom and the other scientists are still deliberating over the increasing number of the 100 whose life support monitors have gone dark. Everyone thinks they’re dying from the radiation but Clark’s mom insists there must be some mysterious other explanation. Why can no one figure out that they’re just taking the wristbands off? It’s not a fucking Pip-Boy, you just have to kind of pull at it a little bit and it comes right off. Living in their stupid suburban space satellite, driving their stupid space minivans, working stupid nine-to-five space jobs, are these people just too stupid to figure out kids these days? Actually that probably goes without saying. Space President comes in and acts all broken up over his son’s monitor being blank, even though he was the one who sent President Jr. to his certain death in the first place. Space President and Clark’s mom rehash plot exposition from the first episode and Desmond is like, “Let’s cut the bullshit, the earth is clearly still a radioactive wasteland so can we start killing people now please?” and oh my god did Clark’s mom just say Space President’s name is “Thelonious”? WTF Bellamy, Clark♀, Octavia, Thelonious. Was this show originally written for Fanfiction.net?

Later, Thelonious Monk and Desmond From Lost discuss the option of murdering countless civilians. Desmond tells the president that he was shot by Bellamy Blake, who then stowed away on the dropship with help from unknown agents. So since no one knew Bellamy was on the ship, did they actually intend to send only 99 teenage hooligans to Earth? But they were already using the term “the 100” even before he stowed away. So should the name of the show actually be The 101? Whatever, for the sake of my own tally I’m just going to assume they were rounding up from 99. The writers didn’t care enough to clarify it so I’m not going to care either. Space President blames Desmond for the attempt on his life regardless, and for trying to kill Clark’s mom out of revenge. Desmond protests that he was just following the law, to which Space President replies, “This job requires more than simply following the law; it requires knowing when not to.” They should have just called him Thelonious Obama and let the viewer connect the dots.

Meanwhile, the 98 have been on Earth about a day and a half and are still more concerned with picking fights over a shirt than with eating. President Jr. is trying to maintain order at the camp while Bellamy continues to encourage anarchy, because I guess that advances his plan somehow? That guy whose name I thought was Eric but whose real name is apparently Murphy is trying to torture some girl into removing her wristband by pushing her face into a campfire. President Jr. flies to her rescue and despite his wounded leg manages to batter Eric into submission, but then Clark shows up all outraged and demands that President Jr. let him go. What the hell, you stupid bimbo, just let him kill that dork. Jesus, is she really supposed to be the hero of this show? It’s like Dino-Riders all over again.

All the misguided heroism, none of the awesome.

Anyway Clark and the rest of the A-Team have returned to camp for supplies and reinforcements before they set out to rescue Jasper, because they’re convinced they heard him scream once. He’s dead, just leave him! Clark makes an impassioned speech about how all the people taking their wristbands off are idiots and how the 98 and the people on the Ark are depending on each other for survival. “Don’t listen to her, she’s one of the privileged!” Bellamy argues, which is apparently a lot more convincing than Clark’s warnings about all the perils lurking in the jungle. “The Grounders should worry about us!” Bellamy proclaims. Faced with her complete and total failure to score any points in favor of civilization or rationality, Clark concedes the debate by wandering off to go look for Jasper again.

President Jr. volunteers to go with her, pointing out that his leg is practically healed and that he MacGyvered a backpack and a stretcher out of rubbish from the crash, but Clark shoots him down because she’s a racist. She also refuses Asian Guy’s help, putting him to work trying to turn the wristbands into radio transmitters, because sure, why wouldn’t that work? Asian Guy was “raised on Farm Station and recruited by engineering,” whatever that means, so they’re depending on his knowledge to save them all, says Clark. In other words they’re completely screwed.

It turns out that Clark’s plan to go back to camp for reinforcements was really just a plan to ditch everyone but Flynn Rider, presumably because all the girls on this show want to jump his bones. Flynn wants no part of this suicide mission within a suicide mission, however, and points out that they all have to be nuts for wanting to risk their lives looking for a loser like Jasper. Clark retaliates by insulting Flynn’s manhood, and Asian Guy tearfully tells him that Jasper looked up to him. Did Jasper even know him for more than like ten minutes?

Despite just telling President Jr. he can’t go with her, Clark does nothing to stop him from going with her. On their way out, Clark bullies Bellamy into joining her party by saying that everyone will think he’s a pussy for not going. Confounded by her logic, Bellamy and his goons agree to help out. Eric asks why they would waste their time on this bullshit rescue mission and Bellamy explains that he intends to get Clark’s wristband, even if he has to cut off her hand to do it. Before they leave, he assigns another of his henchmen to stay behind and keep Octavia from following them or having sex. I thought the guy’s name was ADAM, but apparently it’s actually “ATOM,” which is just

At some point in all this teen drama we are introduced to a new character, a smoking hot space mechanic chick named EBONY DARK’NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY. While floating around outside the Ark doing space mechanic things, she notices that a certain section of the station is undamaged. The space government had said that this nonexistent damage had resulted in the accidental launch of the ship that, unbeknownst to the Ark’s populace, carried the 100 to Earth. The government has been lying to its people! Then she goes to visit her boyfriend in juvie.

I wish this was a screencap from this show.

Clark’s mom turns her away at the door, however, saying that the prison is quarantined due to some sort of virus. “The council’s hiding something, and I’m gonna find out what it is!” Ebony declares angrily, then storms off to her next scene. Clark’s mom’s friend, some guy who I thought was Lieutenant Gaeda from Battlestar Galactica but is actually just some guy, tells Clark’s mom that Desmond has been trying to persuade the rest of the Space Council to support his vote to start killing people and maybe they should do something to convince them otherwise. But Clark’s mom is all “whatever, just keep trying to magically turn those blood pressure monitors into iPhones or something.”

Back on Craphole Planet, the show starts to retcon itself two episodes into its first season. “You don’t survive a spear through the heart,” Bellamy argues. “Jasper screamed when they moved him,” Clark replies. “If the spear struck his heart, he’d have died instantly.” Because, yeah, a spear thrown 300 feet with enough force to physically lift him up off the ground, carry him several feet backward through the air, and embed itself deeply enough in his chest to remain sticking out of him at a 90-degree angle is nothing to worry about, just as long as it missed his heart. His one weak spot! Attention, writers: if you wanted to end your pilot episode with one of the main characters being shockingly murdered in a very graphic and brutal way, you can’t immediately bring him back in the next episode just because “it missed his heart.” Either have him stay dead or don’t write the scene like that in the first place. Otherwise it’s fucking cheap.

Unless we’re talking about this Jasper.

Bellamy has had enough of this shit and pulls his gun on Clark. He tells her to take off her wristband, but she says no and he just gives up and never tries to get it again during the rest of the trip. Flynn Rider shows up because he is a rebel with a heart of gold, and while Clark goes off to flirt with him Bellamy commiserates with President Jr. “We both came down here to protect someone we love,” he says. “Of course, for you it’s worse. With Flynn around, Clark doesn’t even see you. It’s like you’re not even here.”

Meanwhile, Atom locks Octavia in the crashed spaceship. “Is this all you got?” she shouts, pounding on the door. “They locked me under the floor for sixteen years just for being born!” In case we forgot. She has a scene with Asian Guy, who is also in the ship, wherein we see that Octavia also has a heart of gold and really isn’t such a bad girl after all, but I don’t care because Asian Guy’s bro love for Jasper has irrevocably tainted his character for me. Atom comes back and lets Octavia out. “You’re too hot to be my brother’s bitch,” she says. “I’m no one’s bitch,” Atom replies dangerously. Why are all the kids today such hot bitches? Why can’t they just play baseball in the vacant corner lot and smile shyly at one another from across the classroom and run down the street after the ice cream truck on hot summer days?

Meanwhile, Clark’s mom’s friend is still trying to get Clark’s mom to focus on this kind of important vote they have coming up but she keeps blowing him off. Ebony suddenly falls out of an air duct. Clark’s mom’s friend wants to have her arrested for spying but Clark’s mom ignores him because Ebony claims to know why the 98’s wristband signals keep going dead. “They’re taking them off,” she deduces immediately. Hey, idiots! I tried to tell you that last episode! You could have saved a lot of time if you’d just listened. “Why would they do something so reckless?” wonders Clark’s mom’s friend, utterly flabbergasted. Clark’s mom answers with a smile of understanding: “Because they’re twelve.” “Because we told them not to.”

Meanwhile Bellamy calls Clark “Princess” twice.

“I am not a princess and where did I get this scarf?”

The Space Council convenes to discuss what to do about their impending doom situation (there are four months of oxygen left and it will take six months to fix the life support). The council consists of Space Obama, Desmond, Clark’s mom, some fat guy with a beard, and three other people. Desmond, of course, is all about committing genocide ASAP, but Clark’s mom argues in favor of giving the 98 more time to not die of radiation poisoning. “Data indicates that the violent criminals in the group are eight times more likely to have terminated signals,” she explains. “What the hell kind of data is that?” asks Fat Guy. “How would you even determine something like that? Do you at least have a graph or something?” No I’m just kidding, he says nothing.

Desmond points out that every day they delay is an additional ten people who will have to be executed to prolong the oxygen supply. He demands an immediate vote. The council votes immediately and is split down the middle, leaving Space Obama to break the tie. He gives some weak-ass little speech that doesn’t have anything to do with anything. Everyone ignores it and Fat Guy demands to know how he votes. Space Obama surprises them all by abstaining, meaning that the vote will be tabled until the next council meeting ten days later. Desmond throws a fit over having to murder an additional 100 innocent people and storms out, but I like to think he was smiling on the inside. “You have ten days,” Space President says to Clark’s mom. Yeah, just shoot anyone into space who threatens the status quo, but when it’s time to make a decision that affects everyone on the station, that’s when you get squeamish. Not my president!

That night, far below all this intense political drama, Atom takes Octavia to this grove filled with blue bioluminescent butterflies. Thousands of them start flying around, filling the forest with wonder and enchantment and I was so psyched for this flock of mutant butterflies to suddenly turn vicious and start attacking them but the writers didn’t go that way. Wasted opportunity. Anyway I guess Atom and Octavia are in love now or something, since they’ve called each other hot bitches and all. He tells her how lucky she is that her brother loves her. He’s envious of her, even though she had to live under the floor for sixteen years. No, dude, check your priorities.

I guess we have to go back to Clark’s group now. As they hike toward where Jasper disappeared, Flynn muses about the circumstances of their attack. “They waited for us to cross [the river],” Clark realizes. “It’s a boundary.” Good theory, except the spear came from the side of the river you were already on YOU DIP. Why would the “Grounders,” as you call them, arbitrarily choose that random river as the outer edge of their murderzone and then attack you from a location that would drive you farther into their territory? So after discussing how to cross the river is to take your life in your hands, they get to the river and cross without incident. Well, almost. Flynn pauses to playfully pull Clark into the water and she whines at him that they don’t have time for fun. The life of some hipster douchebag everyone hates is at stake!

Flynn starts to psychoanalyze Clark’s character arc and how her inability to save her father drives her need to save everyone else, but forget all that bullshit because it’s time to find Jasper crucified on the Tree of Woe.

Not worth it.

They hurry to cut Jasper down and stupid Clark falls into a pit full of spikes. Bellamy manages to catch her by the hand but (awesomely) considers letting her fall to her death anyway. He hesitates too long, however, as President Jr. and Flynn rush over and pull her to safety. Now considering the possibility that the mortally wounded dude strung up as live bait could have been left there as part of a trap, they more carefully proceed to bring the (unfortunately) still breathing Jasper down from the tree. Suddenly a black panther, which is what I assume the Grounders were trying to catch for some reason (wouldn’t it be easier to hunt the mutant two-faced deer from the pilot episode?), comes charging out of the underbrush. Everyone freezes in terror until Clark shrieks for Bellamy to shoot it. Bellamy reaches for his gun, only to find it missing. He looks over to see it in the hands of President Jr., who empties the clip into the big cat, stopping it literally dead in its tracks, because a lifetime aboard a pressurized space station has given him ample time to hone his marksmanship. No but it is kind of a badass moment though. Despite being a naïve dork, President Jr. is fast becoming one of my favorite characters, probably because he’s one of the few who doesn’t seem like a complete idiot. Also he just killed an apex predator with a handgun, and as an American I am compelled to give him the maddest props for that. Clark gapes at President Jr. in awe and slight arousal. “Now she sees you,” Bellamy tells him, vindicating Elliot Rodger’s theory on gender relations.

On the Ark, Clark’s mom pays a visit to Ebony the hot space mechanic. They have ten days to prove that the earth is inhabitable or else Desmond is going to murder hundreds of people, she explains. Since Ebony is “the youngest zero-g mechanic in fifty-two years,” she is the only one who can repair this busted-up old escape pod and get it ready to survive reentry. Clark’s mom is going down to the planet to find the 98, and Ebony agrees to help on the condition that they both go so she can find her boyfriend. I wonder who it could be!

In the final minutes of the episode, Clark’s party finally returns to their camp, Jasper’s unconscious body and the dead panther in tow. Bellamy offers the panther up to the rest of the 98 as food, because I guess they finally realized that they hadn’t eaten in days. The price of a meal ticket, however, is the removal of their wristbands. Clark whines about this, so Flynn just walks up to the barbecue and brings her back a piece of cat meat. Eric confronts him: “What, you think you play by different rules?” “I thought there were no rules,” Flynn responds, his eyes twinkling keenly. Flummoxed by this irrefutable rebuttal, Eric and Bellamy are forced to let him get away with this effrontery. Some random dude walks up and tries to pull the same trick and Bellamy beats the shit out of him.

Bellamy goes looking for Octavia and finds her making out with Atom. As punishment, Bellamy and his gang crucify Atom by stringing him up from the branches of a tree. “I won’t be disobeyed,” Bellamy tells him sternly as they walk away and leave him hanging there. Way to pussy out, Belamy; the Romans used nails. But little do they know that the Predator is watching from the treetops . . .

“Any time . . .”

So other than introducing the hot space mechanic character and marginally advancing the Ark plot by setting up Clark’s mom’s trip to Earth, not a lot happened in this episode. Most of the Earth plot was spent undoing the big event from the end of the previous episode. There were a few little character moments sprinkled throughout, but they mainly just elaborated on character traits and relationships established in the pilot. Some shows will slow down a little in the first episode after the pilot, repeating a lot of the information given in the previous episode and giving the audience a chance to absorb it all and make sure they’re on the same page before continuing on with the main thrust of the season. Which is fine, whatever, but The 98 already has one huge unforgivable sin against it in the resurrection of Jasper; I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take.

Desmond continues to be awesome but underused, the president continues to be a clueless asshole, Octavia continues to be the Girl in the Floor. So far it’s just more of the same, but we’ve got three or four different love triangles brewing right now so my hopes remain high for future developments.

Seriously, though, fuck Jasper. Fuck him with a spear, his main love interest at this point.

The Confusing Life and Times of Freedon Nadd

Tales of the Jedi: The Freedon Nadd Uprising

Author: Tom Veitch

Artist: Tony Akins

Medium: Comic

Publication Date: August – September 1994

Timeline Placement: 3,998 BBY

Series: Tales of the Jedi

We rejoin Arca Jeth and his apprentices on the planet Onderon, where their victory over the dark side has been undone between story arcs and the walled city of Iziz has been infiltrated by evil magicians called the Naddists. Arca believes that moving the dark-side loci of Freedon Nadd’s and Queen Amanoa’s sarcophagi to the moon of Dxun will quell the uprising. Why don’t they just shoot them into the sun? Would that turn the sun to the dark side, too?

Actually, knowing how the dark side works in these comics, it just might.

Master Thon’s student Oss Wilum arrives with the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta just as the sarcophagi are being loaded onto a spaceship. At that moment, however, the Naddists attack! Led by Warb Null, who looks like Wile E. Coyote in a Darth Vader suit, they burrow up from underground in a giant drill machine, grab the sarcophagi, and escape. Queen Galia suggests that her ancient and ailing father, King Ommin, might know something about the Naddists. Having already killed her mother, Arca decides to go for the deuce and demands a meeting with the king.

King Ommin’s bones have grown soft with use of the dark side, so he is no longer able to stand or move without the aid of a mechanical skeleton apparatus. Galia takes the Jedi to the old folks home where the king spends his days lying on a table. Arca Jeth respectfully tells the king how honored he is by this audience, then immediately starts threatening him and demanding the return of the sarcophagi. Pretending to be a confused geriatric, Ommin beckons Arca to lean closer to hear a secret, then blasts him with dark-side energy.

Standing upright in his metal exoskeleton, Ommin reveals that not only does he come from a long line of dark-side magicians, but he and his entire ancestry were trained in the dark arts by the spirit of Freedon Nadd himself. Nadd’s ghost, or at least the ghost of Nadd’s upper torso, materializes behind Ommin to disinterestedly confirm this. Warb Null and a bunch of Naddists burst in out of nowhere and battle the Jedi while Ommin escapes with Master Arca.

Warb Null’s history is never revealed in the comic itself, but according to Tales of the Jedi Companion he was once a blacksmith named Shas Dovos. Following the instructions of an ancient Sith spellbook on metallurgy, Dovos crafted a suit of armor imbued with the dark side, but his will was subsumed by the ghost haunting the book and he was cursed to wear the armor forever, becoming Warb Null, a “merging of man and metal.” I wonder how that back story will figure into his character arc through the rest of the series oh Ulic Qel-Droma just decapitated him.

Certified super-genius.

Meanwhile, Master Thon has brought his apprentices, Nomi and Vima Sunrider, to the Jedi library world of Ossus. Here, Nomi is taught to build her own lightsaber by Jedi Master Vodo-Siosk Baas, a giant lobster. Nomi spends months on Ossus training in the Jedi arts, but eventually a messenger arrives from Onderon bearing the news of Arca Jeth’s capture and the fall of Iziz to the Naddists. Master Thon and Master Vodo handpick a team of five up-and-coming young Jedi superstars to help Ulic and the others: Nomi Sunrider, blind Miraluka Jedi Shoaneb Culu, perpetually squinting Dace Diath, Nazzar prince Qrrrl Toq, and Kith Kark, whose last name is one of several Star Wars equivalents of “fuck.”

At this point we are introduced to incestuous cousin-lovers Satal and Aleema Keto, scions of the royal family of the Empress Teta system and founders of the Krath, a secret occult society for bored young one-percenters. While visiting Coruscant, Satal’s kleptomania gets the best of him and he is overcome by the desire to possess an ancient Sith artifact. Fortunately, it’s easier to shoplift from the Galactic Museum than from American Apparel and the Ketos make off with a small Sith tome. Much to his dismay, Satal realizes that he can’t read ancient Sith, but while browsing Yahoo News he learns about the Freedon Nadd Uprising and he and his cousin travel to Onderon to find someone who can translate the book for them.

Meanwhile, Nomi and her Jedi strike team land on the planet and break the Naddist siege on the Beast Rider fortress where Ulic and the others are holed up. Noticing that she is unable to employ her Battle Meditation ability, Nomi reaches into the Force to locate the source of the dark-side oppression smothering Onderon. She senses the presence of King Ommin, but his power overwhelms her and she passes out.

Ulic, Cay, Oss, and the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta come staggering out, looking haggard and hungover. One of Nomi’s indistinguishable entourage demands to know why they didn’t come out and help during the battle, and Ulic explains that the dark side has been sapping their will and stamina for months as they waited for help. Now they feel better though. Ulic is turned on by the sight of Nomi fainting and rushes over to check her out. When she regains consciousness, Ulic immediately hits on her and says that her arrival means they may finally have a chance of stopping this evil.

Also Kith Kark was killed but no one cared, because kark him.

Out in space, Satal and Aleema’s ship, the Krath Enchanter, is shot down by the Republic fleet as it deploys troops to combat the Naddists, but while Satal wets himself Aleema can feel the hand of destiny on her shoulder. They land within the walls of Iziz and are brought before King Ommin, who will give them a magical talisman that will allow them to read the Sith language if they allow his scribe, Novar, to handwrite a copy of the book first. Novar previously appeared in Queen Amanoa’s service in Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, in which he was drawn completely differently. While the Ketos wait, Ommin shows them the captured Jedi Master Arca Jeth. Ommin has him naked for some reason, suspended in a web of dark-side energy.

Suddenly Ulic, Nomi, Cay, Oss Wilum, Shoaneb Culu, Dace Diath, and the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta burst into the king’s private sanctum. The textbox specifically says that only seven Jedi are there, so I guess Qrrrl Toq just had something better to do, which makes him the smartest character in this book. Meanwhile, Cay Qel-Droma gets his arm cut off again.

King Ommin tries to bring his dark powers to bear but Ulic cuts through his metal armature, causing the king to collapse into a boneless puddle of flesh-textured jelly, much like Elvis Presley. He cries out for Freedon Nadd to save him, but Nadd’s ghost manifests only to kill Ommin himself, claiming the king’s soul for the dark side.

Satal and Aleema Keto escape during the chaos, retrieving their Sith book from the dead Novar, already murdered by Nadd’s baleful spirit. Nadd bestows on each of the youths a Sith sword from King Ommin’s treasure trove, promising that the future of the Sith rests with them. Arca Jeth gets up and puts on some clothes, impotently shaking his fist at the shade of Freedon Nadd, but Nadd promises that the Jedi have already lost, mumbles some foreshadowing about Ulic falling to the dark side, and disapparates in a pattern of horizontal green lines.

The remains of Freedon Nadd, Queen Amanoa, and King Ommin are interred on the moon of Dxun to prevent any future dark acolytes from harnessing their power. Why don’t they just shoot them into the sun? Ulic Qel-Droma asks Master Arca what Nadd meant when he said that the Jedi had already lost, and Arca reveals that the ancient Sith prophesied that the Dark Lords would one day return. “Remember, Ulic . . .,” he says, “where there is light . . . there can be no darkness.” Very pithy, Goethe, but you might want to rethink that one before adding it to your Facebook quotes.

Meditations

Tales of the Jedi is often held up as a classic EU series but we’ve gone through five of its eight story arcs and so far it’s been pretty underwhelming and mediocre. The Freedon Nadd Uprising is only two comic issues long, but I still lost interest halfway through and forgot what was happening. It almost feels like a retread of Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, without the tedious Beast Rider marriage subplot. The monarch of Iziz is secretly a dark-side devotee of Freedon Nadd who betrays the Jedi and tries to seize control of all of Onderon. Oh, no!

I would rather Ulic Et Cetera, The Saga of Et Cetera, and The Freedon Nadd Et Cetera had been folded together into a single longer story instead of split up into three short independent arcs. There’s the potential for an interesting narrative there but I think there were some major missteps in the way it was told. George Lucas gets a lot of flak for how boring the Jedi Order was in the prequels, but Veitch hasn’t done much to capture my imagination in these early arcs either. That said, the past three arcs have been mostly setup for the coming Sith War, so I maintain hope that things will pick up somewhat, for the story at least if not the characters.

Art-wise, things are pretty dire, as this book reintroduces Nomi’s absurd male-pattern-baldness look. The alien characters, however, look mostly okay and King Ommin has a cool, creepy, Boris Karloff-esque design. Onderon is still boring, but at least Galia and the Beast Riders’ role in the story is mercifully short.

As seems to be a running theme with these stories, there isn’t much to write home about. Besides Ulic Qel-Droma meeting Nomi Sunrider and the Ketos meeting Freedon Nadd, very little that happened in this arc will have an effect on the rest of the series. Dark Horse couldn’t even bother keeping it in print, making the two-issue collection of The Freedon Nadd Uprising one of the rarest Star Wars trade paperbacks, along with the two-issue trade of Empire’s End. Oh my god why am I talking about this

NYAAAAAAA

2/5 Death Stars, I don’t care!

Tales of the Jedi, the Official Audio Drama

Author: John Whitman

Medium: Audio drama

Publication Date: Apparently sometime in 1997

Timeline Placement: 4,000 – 3,998 BBY

Series: Tales of the Jedi

This is an audio adaptation of the first three Tales of the Jedi story arcs: Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon, The Saga of Nomi Sunrider, and The Freedon Nadd Uprising. There is some minimal effort to weave these stories together into a single narrative, as the Nomi Sunrider portion is interspersed with two or three short scenes set on Onderon, but for the most part it just feels like three separate tales glued together end-to-front, similar to the Human Centipede.

This adaptation is delightfully cheesy and suffers from all the shortcomings you might expect of its medium, from characters awkwardly describing the scene for the listener to line readings so comically bizarre you can’t believe the director couldn’t get a better take (“My baby. It’s got my baby,” an Onderonian woman says flatly as a Dxun beast devours her child). Ulic’s voice actor is probably the weakest in the cast, seemingly incapable of delivering a reading that sounds at all natural or unstilted, but most of the performances range from acceptable to okay.

Given its structural ungainliness, John Whitman’s (better known for his Goosebumps-knockoff series, Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear) adaptation is a very faithful retelling of the comics, with a few points of curious exception, one of which is how that ungainliness affects not only the plot but the narration as well. A narrator introduces the story and chimes in again with a brief recap at the halfway mark, but at certain points Nomi Sunrider lapses into first-person narration as well. It’s very confusing and unnecessary, especially when those segments, which were clearly written as narration, are actually Nomi monologuing at other characters

There are also a lot of weird continuity errors, like Whitman wrote the whole thing in one draft and just turned it in without proofreading it for any sort of consistency. When Nomi Sunrider first sees Oss Wilum, her fake internal monologue says that she instantly sensed he was a Jedi. Later, however, when he identifies himself as a Jedi, she appears to be surprised and only then mistakes him for Master Thon.

When Ulic and the others first arrive on Onderon, they’re told that King Ommin has recently died, but shortly thereafter Princess Galia mentions that he is “dying” and no one is at all confused by this, except me. Later still, when Master Arca and the others confront Ommin for the first time, Galia tells him that she thought he was dead. What.

Galia’s attitude toward the Jedi doesn’t make much sense either. The comic explicitly states that she’s eighteen, but when Ulic and the others arrive on Onderon in the audio drama, she’s all down on them about their age, calling them “untutored youths” and mocking them for being “such young Jedi,” even though they have to be at least early-twenties.

She’s also much ruder to the Jedi when they mistakenly rescue her at her wedding, and when Ulic calls her out on allowing the Beast Riders to murder Iziz soldiers as part of her masquerade, something he doesn’t do in the comic, she dismisses the victims as “cruel men, evil men.” Even though they just seemed like normal dudes trying to do their job, and the Beast Riders easily could have just stunned them like they did Galia’s demonstrably much more evil mother.

But those soldiers “deserved to die,” says Galia. Ulic begins to protest that no one deserves to die, but the princess cuts him off to complain more about her teen problems. I’ll still take this characterization of Galia over the one in the comics, however; at least this version has a character.

Warb Null remains an uninteresting waste of time and sound editing software, but the new manner in which he is dispatched bears mentioning. Rather than the swift beheading he receives in the comic while fighting Ulic Qel-Droma, here Null is at first only maimed. Ulic severs his arm and Warb Null cries out in pain, begging for mercy. Ulic is too stoked with rage over Arca’s capture, however, and brutally murders his enemy after he had already surrendered.

Ulic never shows any signs of remorse over this cold-blooded execution and apparently no one noticed him do it because it never comes up again. It’s a pretty dark moment to just throw out there and then not comment on, but the comics probably could use more moments like this given the way that Ulic’s fall is eventually written (spoiler alert!!!).

This section of the audio play also introduces a new character named Gomie, apparently for the purpose of comic relief although he never does anything funny. I guess technically he’s not a new character since there’s an unnamed Beast Rider in the comic who does something in like one panel that Gomie does in the play but whatever. After the Beast Riders shoot down the Nebulon Ranger, the scene with the bomas is completely omitted; instead, Gomie is the dumb animal tricked by the Jedi into revealing Oron Kira’s stronghold. The last we see of him is when he unwittingly stumbles across King Ommin’s lair beneath the city of Iziz. I assumed he was killed but Wookieepedia’s entry on him mentions nothing of the sort so I’ll always wonder.

Oron Kira: “Did he say ‘die’?”
Gomie: “That’s what he said!”

Speaking of ambiguous deaths, Novar’s role is somewhat expanded in this version. He is now the one who severs Cay Qel-Droma’s arm, replacing the nameless soldier in the comic and somehow accomplishing this feat with a handheld blaster instead of a large bladed weapon. He also faces off against Oron Kira during the Beast Riders’ assault on the city. Oron is struck dumb by Queen Amanoa’s dark-side power, but Master Arca’s Battle Meditation restores his will to fight and he wrestles Novar’s knife away from him and apparently kills him with it. Apparently he doesn’t actually though since Novar still has to grow a beard and show up for one scene in The Freedon Nadd Uprising.

There are a few notable deviations in Nomi Sunrider’s story as well. We spend a lot more time with Gudb and Bogga the Hutt’s other henchmen in this adaptation, as they completely replace Finhead Stonebone and his crew in the final confrontation with Nomi and Master Thon, demonstrating just how redundant that subplot was in the comic.

Gudb is also much more proactive in discovering the Sunriders’ Adegan crystals; instead of Andur running his mouth about their precious cargo in a wretched hive of scum and villainy, Gudb and his coworkers scan each ship as it approaches the Stenness Hyperspace Terminal and detect the crystals on board. (“Adegan crystals!” exclaims Quanto joyfully. “Oh, boy, Gudb! Adegan crystals! Ho, never thought I’d ever see any, uh . . . hey, Gudb? What are Adegan crystals?” You know, that old classic.)

Also I’m not sure what the point was in making Gudb’s gorm-worm, Skritch, an intelligent accomplice instead of a trained pet. He now gleefully anticipates Andur Sunrider’s murder with a high-pitched cackle, sounding almost exactly like Jabba the Hutt’s imp in Return of the Jedi.

There’s an odd sentiment about Andur Sunrider’s death that comes up a few times. It was touched on a little in the comic and gets brought up here as well, first when Gudb mockingly chastises Andur to Nomi for splitting his focus between so many enemies and again when Oss Wilum lends his insightful commentary. “The protection of the Force is a matter of attention,” Oss explains. “A Jedi can be undone if his attention is drawn away from his attacker. Over the centuries, some opponents of the Jedi have learned to exploit this vulnerability.” Thanks for the protip, dude, but this seems like pretty common-sense stuff. “A Jedi can be undone if his attention is drawn away from his attacker,” well duh. I’m pretty sure the Jedi don’t have a monopoly on that fatal flaw.

The entire subplot with Nomi traveling to Onderon to build her lightsaber and study under Master Vodo is excised, replaced by a new scene in which Nomi and Thon go to Coruscant to address the Galactic Senate and convince them to intervene on Onderon. Master Thon is actually my favorite part of this adaptation; the whole production is dripping in cheese, from the voice acting to the sound effects to the inappropriate musical cues, but Thon has two legitimately well-written scenes that didn’t exist in the comic and I appreciated their counterbalance to lines like “That’s nothing compared to the hole I’ll make in you if you don’t freeze like an ice cube on Hoth!”

The first comes in the aftermath of Nomi’s first use of Battle Meditation against the hssiss dragons in Lake Natth. Confused by what she’s done, she returns to Master Thon’s house and asks why he’s been ignoring her all these long months, refusing to speak to her and communicating only in bestial, incomprehensible growls. For the first time, Thon says words she understands, and Nomi gasps in shock.

“Of course I speak,” says Thon. “All the time, in words and otherwise. In the Force, every moment is an oratory. . . . I have waited for you, daughter. My words have not changed, but now you have ears to hear me.” This scene has a very Star Wars-y tone and would feel right at home alongside Yoda’s meditations on Force mysticism in The Empire Strikes Back; by opening herself to the Force, Nomi has unwittingly dropped the blindfold from her eyes and can now understand the universe on a level she never realized existed before.

Thon’s second great scene comes when Nomi is about to ship off to join the fighting on Onderon. Nomi confides in him that she’s frightened of ending up like her husband and asks if she really has to go through with this. “No,” Thon answers concisely. “There is nothing you must say and no one you must see. There is nothing you must do, and nowhere you must go, Nomi Sunrider. That is the wonderful, terrible truth of life. You are putting yourself in grave danger, Nomi Sunrider. You do not have to do so.” Then he just turns and walks away.

“You know I’m too timid to be a Jedi, Andur . . . I’d rather just stay home and dye my hair.”

Despite the many shortcomings of this audio drama, I’d still recommend it over the three comics it’s adapting. Their inconsistent art, forgettable plots, and underdeveloped characters have less to offer than the unintentional comedy and weirdness of their adaptation. (My favorite scene comes when Master Arca is being tortured by King Ommin. Ulic Qel-Droma and Princess Galia calmly describe what’s happening with no sense of interest or urgency while Arca screams continuously in the background.)

And despite the many lackluster performances, hearing these characters emote flat dialogue is more interesting than reading that flat dialogue on a flat page; what little personalities they have pop that much more, and it’s easy to forget how little we care about the Twi’lek Jedi Tott Doneeta when he’s constantly exclaiming, “By the Goddess of the Twi’leks!” Listen to it if you can find it and have literally nothing better to do for 160 minutes, or if you’re compelled to experience the first three Tales of the Jedi arcs firsthand for some ineffable reason.

3/5 Death Stars on the masochism scale.

Continuity Spotlight: Freedon Nadd

 

Despite being a comparative footnote in Star Wars lore, Freedon Nadd’s history is almost as convoluted and contradictory as that of the Sith as a whole. Actually it might be even more so, because fewer authors cared as much about trying to iron it out.

It’s stated in Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon (1993) that Freedom Nads fell to the dark side and apprenticed himself to a Dark Lord of the Sith. According to Sith tradition, there could be only one Dark Lord at a time, so Nadd, knowing his potential for career advancement was severely limited in that field, went to Onderon and used his powers to make himself king.

This back story was further fleshed out in Tales of the Jedi Companion (1996), which explains that Nadd was once a gifted Jedi prodigy on the fast track to Jedi Mastership. He was put to a test by the Jedi Masters, however, when they refused to promote him from apprentice to Jedi Knight in order to gauge his response.

In confusion, he sought out Master Matta Tremayne to ask for advice, but she refused to explain what was stopping him from achieving Knighthood. After provoking him to rage, she challenged him to a lightsaber duel, and Nadd cut her down. At the moment that he did so, however, he realized that this had been his true test, and he had failed. Nadd then fled to the Sith planet of Ashas Ree to learn forbidden Sith knowledge and take his revenge on the Jedi.

At this point in Nadd’s story, the Companion contradicts Arca Jeth’s version of events. Now, rather than fleeing to Onderon out of frustration with his inability to become the Dark Lord of the Sith, Nadd killed his Sith teacher and named himself the new Dark Lord, then went to Onderon for no apparent reason.

Star Wars: The Essential Chronology (2000) established that the Dark Lord who trained Nadd was in fact our old friend Naga Sadow, which makes sense given that post-Companion canon established Sadow as the only Sith Lord still alive at the time (that would eventually be retconned as well but we’ll get to that later). Its wording is ambiguous but implies that Sadow had already died and Nadd merely encountered his ghost. The Dark Side Sourcebook (2001) backs up this idea, and further wrinkles Freedon’s Nadds by claiming that the Jedi he slew was his own personal Jedi Master, rather than some lady he didn’t know and only talked to in search of guidance.

It wasn’t long before Naga Sadow’s status returned to the original narrative in Tales of the Jedi Companion, however. In its short biography on Sadow, Star Wars: The New Essential Guide to Characters (2002) claims that he entered a state of suspended animation on Yavin 4 and that his fate after encountering Nadd remains unknown, although it is believed that he perished at his pupil’s hand.

“The Shadow of Freedon Nadd,” an article in The Official Star Wars Fact File #90 (2003), backtracked yet again, making Sadow’s existence less certain than Schrödinger’s cat’s. This article claimed that Sadow was inspired by the visitation of Marka Ragnos’s ghost to preserve his own consciousness after death. He did this by having his remaining Massassi warriors construct huge temples on Yavin 4 to focus and preserve his power.

After learning from Sadow, Nadd then destroyed his lingering spirit, a detail which I guess was meant to somewhat preserve the earlier narrative of Nadd killing his Sith predecessor when in this version that predecessor was already dead. “The Shadow of Freedon Nadd” also restored Matta Tremayne to her previous position of some random woman Nadd had never met before.

(In a completely irrelevant point, the title “The Shadow of Freedon Nadd” apparently originated as a section heading in The Essential Chronology. Evidently some editor at LFL had a real hard-on for it, because in researching this article I’ve found it reused in Fact File #90, Chronicles of the Old Republic, The New Essential Chronology, and Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force.)

Chronicles of the Old Republic (2004), an online article published by LucasArts as back story to their Knights of the Old Republic games, tweaked Nadd’s tale yet again. In this version, Nadd was already a Jedi Knight when he turned to the dark side, thus removing his entire reason for turning to the dark side.

One of the last amendments to Nadd’s story came in “Evil Never Dies: The Sith Dynasties” (2006), an article exclusive to subscribers of StarWars.com’s Hyperspace feature. Strangely, this account doesn’t mention Nadd’s tutelage under Sadow, but it does reintegrate Nadd’s journey to the Sith world Ashas Ree. On that planet, it says, he discovered a holocron belonging to Adas, the ancient king of the Sith people who drove the invading Rakata from Korriban in the centuries before the Old Republic. It was the knowledge Nadd gained from this device that allowed him to conquer Onderon.

Jedi vs. Sith: The Essential Guide to the Force (2007) includes this account, but rather than saying that he went first to Ashas Ree and then to Yavin 4, it holds the Ashas Ree version of the story in opposition to the version involving Naga Sadow. Those stupid fictional history scholars just don’t know what to believe! Jedi vs. Sith also goes back to the idea of Matta Tremayne being Nadd’s instructor, which was reaffirmed for the last time in The Complete Star Wars Encyclopedia (2008). I think it’s also the first source since Ulic Qel-Droma and the Beast Wars of Onderon to posit that Nadd fled to Onderon because he knew he could never hold his Sith master’s title.

So we have Freedon Nadd, a man who may or may not be a Jedi Knight, who kills a woman who may or may not be his own Jedi Master, then may or may not learn from Naga Sadow, who may or may not be alive, and then either kills Naga Sadow or destroys his ghost, whereupon he may or may not name himself the new Dark Lord of the Sith.