Sounds of Beast Wars

EPISODE 32: OTHER VISITS, PART 1

 

Paul: Somehow I now feel honor-bound to watch Beast Wars.

Paul: Tangled web we weave.

Paul: Air Razor and Tiger Tron hold hands.

Paul: Then a crazy plant sends them into space!

Paul: !!

Paul: BLACK ARACHNIA WANTS TO FKK SILVERBOLT

Paul: Hahahahaha if the weird goth babes were really into the painfully sincere nerds, high school would have been so much different.

Paul: Man that is shoehorned in.

Paul: Then, finally, the plant farts on them.

Paul: The end.

EPISODE 33: OTHER VISITS, PART 2

Paul: NEXT EPISODE

Paul: You know, at this point I really dig the ridiculous opening.

Paul: Okay so um immediate retcon.

Paul: Everybody who got blowd up is fine.

Paul: Ah so the transgender forms are alien tech altering them, and now they’re invisible.

Paul: To the alien scanners.

Paul: That’s actually a cool way to integrate whimsical corporate decisions into the story.

Paul: Okay so this disk has these symbols on it.

Paul:

Paul: The lower-left one is a dude planting corn or w/e.

Paul: Right-hand side, golf?

Paul: Bottom, menstruation?

Paul: Idk how Dinobot got the future out of this.

Paul: Yes okay Megatran is flying the flower mothership.

Paul: It blows up.

Paul: Many things blow up.

Paul: And then there are two stars above everybody. The sparks of those two goofy robots.

Paul: That's the end.

Paul: Its purpose is...it controls a bigboom flower spaceship?

Paul: A bombad general.

Paul: Idk that's okay.

Paul: I was hoping for scary alien reveals.

Paul: WHICH ANGEL IS ADAM?

Me: Yeah it's just a key.

Paul: A key...to pee.

Me: THE VOYAGER DISK IS THE IMPORTANT ONE.

Me: The Voyager Golden Record contains 116 images plus a calibration image and a variety of natural sounds, such as those made by surf, wind, and thunder, and animal sounds, including the songs of birds, whales and dolphins. The record, which is carried on both the Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 spacecraft, additionally features musical selections from different cultures and eras, spoken greetings in fifty-nine languages, other human sounds, like footsteps and laughter (Carl Sagan's), and printed messages from President Jimmy Carter and U.N. Secretary-General Kurt Waldheim.

Me: Record of the future! Ultimate power!

Paul: Ooooh Dinobot kept the important disk?

Paul: Which tells the future?

Me: No he gave it back to Megatron.

Me: That was the one he hid under the rock and gave to Megatron when he turned evil again.

Paul: Oh right.

Paul: The Predacons stole the key-disk at the beginning of the episode.

Me: I guess it was just a coincidence that it looked like the Voyager disk lol.

Paul: Are my interpretations of the symbols correct?

Me: I'm sure.

Me: The aliens love golf.

Paul unsent a message

Paul: I guess that disk was the key to Mar-a-Lago!

Me: Lol you self-censoring antifite.

Me: Did you delete that message or do the French Facebook police not allow jokes about their President?

Paul: CIA: "I will destroy you!"

Fan Theory

EPISODE 31: MAXIMAL, NO MORE

 

Paul: Maximal, No More.

Paul: OMG is Dinobot going to the other side?

Paul: This isn’t Great War III!

Paul: Waspinator takes out two guys at once ahaha.

Me: Did you skip an episode?

Paul: I don’t think so.

Paul: Lol idk did I?

Me: I think Spider's Game comes before Maximal No More.

Paul: Hahahahaha

Paul: Hahahahaha

Paul: Why do you know this

Me: I rememberrrrrrr.

Paul: Also yes I did, oops. Does it matter that much if I watch them out of order?

Me: Muh continuity.

Me: For these two specific ones I don't think it matters but afterwards it will.

Paul: Okay the Maximals just accept him back it’s cool.

Paul: Can we finally find out what the disks do?

Paul: Nope.

Me: They have the Sounds of Earth!

Paul: https://youtu.be/1puYprEvB4U

Me: They stole the Voyager disk because it contained the location of Earth which was rich in the Energon they needed to conquer Cybertron but there was another secret reason they wanted it that is revealed later this season.

Me: The alien disk's purpose is revealed in the two-part episode Other Visits.

Paul: Have you listened to that song?

Me: Mariachi!

Paul: Is it not the best song ever??

Paul: I love Mexicans!!

Paul: Is this ancient Earth or like current Earth?

Paul: Oh right.

Me: Aliens probably have not contacted Earth because they found the disk and think that song is constantly playing here.

Paul: This was the plot of the original too. Earth is Energon-rich.

Paul: Sounds cool.

Me: I don't remember if it's still supposed to be a secret what time in Earth's history they're in.

Paul: It is.

Me: Well in a few episodes Silverbolt gets attacked by a sabertooth tiger.

Paul: Like. Okay.

Paul: But they already know the location of Earth in that case?

Me: I think after the Great War the location of Earth was lost or erased from the Jedi Archives or something.

Paul: But they’re there!

EPISODE 30: TANGLED WEB

 

Paul: Silverbolt is so corny haha.

Me: MILADY

Paul: Is Black Arachnia in an abusive relationship with Tyranus?

Me: Him being inside her head and controlling her actions feels like a metaphor for something.

Paul: Like....

Paul: .....rape?

Me: Don't bring your fanfic ideas into this.

Paul: Can't wait to search fanfiction.net for such fics.

Paul: Um I’m on Tangled Web.

Paul: Did BA finally break free?

Me: Oh shit Spider's Game was a season 1 episode.

Me: Spider's Game, Tangled Web, The Web.

Me: Too much.

Me: Tangled Web resolves the mind control plot I think.

Paul: Technically accurate.

Paul: Yessss.

Paul: I think so.

Paul: Good, they weren’t doing much with it anyways.

Paul: Silverbolt: IT IS NOT RIGHT TO STRIKE A FEMALE. NOT EVEN A FEMALE PREDACON.

Me: Lmao

Paul: That’s rape culture.

Me: Silverbolt has a "This Is What A Feminist Looks Like" shirt.

Paul: Other Voices is the next episode. Cool.

Dead Before Dawn

 EPISODE 29: COMING OF THE FUZORS, PART 2

 

Paul: I can understand your liking this show based on these episodes. They’re pretty sweet.

Paul: And your being willing to sit through the dumber parts of season one for them.

Paul: Like, sometimes in American animation you get a wonderful and classy goofiness

Paul: where there are references all over the place.

Paul: Like the western Sergio Leone moment.

Paul: Anyhow that’s over now, and in the first five seconds of episode 30 all the tension evaporates as the entire Maximal party gets their asses comically kicked.

Paul: Hey so Tarantino called Black Betty a bitch AGAIN.

Paul: When will the violence against women cease?

Paul: The rubber ducky appears!

Me: Yeah season 2 is the highlight when they had the most creative freedom.

Me: 3 is still good but had more meddling from corporate.

Paul: At least it was better than Mass Effect 3!

Me: At least it was better than the Transmetals fighting game for the N64!

Paul: The stakes are honestly pretty high.

Paul: It’s like

Paul: Ifk

Paul: with Rhinox in Purple Space and Optimus inside the moon, they seem outnumbered.

Me: Tigatron and Airazor, everyone's favorite characters, will save the day.

Paul: Nah they fuckin.

Paul: lol Rhinox just wakes up haha.

Paul: Okay well, crisis averted I guess.

Paul: Oh no the shield broke!! And unlike in Star Trek it didn’t flicker off like a bitch but rather TURNED INTO INNUMERABLE SHEETS OF GLASS AND SHATTERED.

Paul: That was cool I thought.

Paul: OMG

Paul: the daen

Paul: Dawn

Paul: The Dawn!

Paul: And the western music returned.

Paul: Um.

Paul: Ummmmm.

Paul: A gorilla on a surfboard.....?

Paul: Okay.

Me:

 

 

Me: Scorponok and Terrorsaur are permanently dead btw.

Me: They will never be mentioned again.

Paul: What?!

Paul: um...??

Paul: Terrorsaur is a small loss, he was like Tyrantulous Lite

Paul: but Scorponok was a loyal man.

Paul: Literally the only one.

Me: RIP

Me: Both of those characters had Transmetal toys too so 10-year-old me was waiting for them to return for the whole show.

Me: But they never did.

Paul: I’d imagine that Scorponok was supposed to be Quickstrike. No?

Paul: Like they’re both scorpions?

Me:



Paul: This isn’t the REAL toy, is it???

Paul: That’s the cheapest shit I’ve ever seen.

Paul: It looks like the Indian knock-off of a Happy Meal toy.

Me: Scorponok, Dinobot, and Blackarachnia only got Transmetal versions as Happy Meal toys lol.

Paul: Scorponok was great!

Paul: What a shame that corporate kills off characters in sacrifice to greater toy sales, and what a shame that it does the same for most of its workers lol.

Paul: ITS COMENTARY ON CAPTILM. that’s Ttabsformers

Me: Corporate wanted them to kill Waspinator but they argued that he was a fan favorite so he was allowed to be spared

Me: https://www.theverge.com/21327442/brave-new-world-review-peacock-nbc

Me: Brave New World has nothing to prove

Me: Orgy porgy!

Paul: Hum so what, was it not that good?

Me: I will never know!

It's the Final Showdown!

EPISODE 28: COMING OF THE FUZORS, PART 1

 

Paul: Episode 29: Coming of the Fuzors.

Paul: This will be good.

Paul: I cannot fucking deal with the T-Rex's jump-jets and roller blades.

Paul: A stasis pod has landed near a tree with a spider in it.

Paul: I call Predacon otherwise you couldn't have a spider.

Paul: Um okay so it IS earth.

Paul: Dinobot is stealing the golden disks.

Paul: Waspinator gets crushed into a tiny cube over like twenty minutes of vicious cartoon violence.

Paul: Spiderman is still possessing Black Widow, I forgot about that.

Paul: They find a protoform without a spark.

Paul: WILL OPTIMUS'S SOUL RETURN TO INHBIT THIS BODY???

Me: They're going to put Picard in it.

Paul: More importantly, Tigertron calls Airasor "My lady."

Paul: Finally, a reference to the show I definitely need to know exists.

Paul: Even RLM couldn't make Picard enjoyable.

Paul: They were just like tired.

Me: Stop hating women!

Paul: Never while there is breath in this body.

Paul: ummmmmmmmmmmm

Paul: ummmmmmmmm the new robots are a redneck scorpion with a cobra for a tail and a peaceful coyote griffon??

Paul: why

Paul: hahaha

Me: THE FUZORS HAVE CUM

Paul: Kwikstrike and Silverbolt have the most D&D-character-esque intros.

Paul: Like "I am fast...and strong...and good. I think I'm called...SILVERBOLT."

Me: Now they're one big happy family.

Paul: ummmmm yes??

Paul: Like Megatron and them pose for a fucking family portrait just before the commercials??

Paul: hahaha this fucking show

Me: This episode (part 1) and the previous one where they become Transmetals were the first I ever saw because they were on a VHS tape that came with a repainted figure of a character who never even appeared on the show.

Paul: FUZORS...do they eventually become both Pred and Maximal? They both seem divided over their identities. That would be a twist.

Paul: Who was this character?

Me: Razorclaw, a Predacon crab.

Paul: Omg Dinobot's vaguely Shakespearean soliloquy.

Me: To be or not to be, that is the question. And these disks I hold, are they a record of what will be or only of what may?

Paul: Meanwhile Rhinox is like astral projecting.

Paul: And then he astral projects too hard.

Paul: Haha and it ends with a 4-minute cowboy music montage.

Paul: That was pretty cool actually