Vampiyaz Suck

Ben: We'll compete.

Ben: You make your hentai game.

Ben: I'll make my game.

Ben: Also

Ben: before I forget

Ben: some final parting thoughts on SALEM'S LOT.

Ben: 1) So the revelation that the vampire is staying in the boarding house came about because the child noticed blue chalk on his fingers, which implies that the head vampire was blowing off some steam by playing pool, which is retarded.

Ben: This is probably my biggest problem with the ending.

Ben: Apart from

Ben: 2) the fact that the head vampire decided to stay in the boarding house at all, a possibility that I considered but then later rejected because it would be unnecessarily risky for the vampire to stay somewhere so close to where one of his enemies keeps all his stuff.

Me: That's what makes it so genius.

Me: It's the last place he'd look!

Ben: Notice, too, that the heroes assault the Marsten House on October 6th, only to realize that the vampire had left two days prior. Meaning that, for two days, Ben was sleeping about fifty feet above the vampire in the basement.

Ben: The reason that I considered it at all was precisely because of that.

Ben: But then I realized it was retarded.

Ben: Because vampires can just turn themselves into smoke and pass through cracks.

Ben: So why not just hide in a rabbithole somewhere randomly in the woods?

Ben: Or anywhere that normal humans cannot otherwise access?

Ben: Or just fucking burst through the windows of the people who are trying to kill you before they do.

Ben: Before they even know what's up.

Ben: Clearly he was watching them before they were fully aware.

Ben: Why not go after them first?

Me: They replaced the stairs with knives, I think pretty much all the bases were covered.

Ben: That's number 3)

Ben: What a shitty hiding place.

Ben: Because if you go to all the trouble of pulling out the stairs and pushing knives through wooden slats and laying them face-up on the floor, that's a dead giveaway that the heroes are on the right track.

Ben: It totally obviates his attempts to hide the root cellar with the bureau.

Ben: So yeah, you kill the first guy who comes down the stairs.

Ben: Then what, smartass?

Ben: You've just all but told them that you're definitely in the basement.

Me: But there's a secret cellar.

Ben: Doesn't matter.

Ben: You've played video games.

Ben: Use your fucking brain.

Ben: If the developers put something special in a room, then you know that room's there for something.

Ben: Otherwise they wouldn't devote development time to putting something special in the room.

Ben: Therefore you search the room until you find the secret.

Me: But the vampires almost won anyway.

Ben: Despite their leader's supreme incompetence.

Ben: Anyway.

Ben: In retrospect, the ending was preposterous.

Ben: Slightly more so than the rest of the book.

Ben: Vampires are just shitty antagonists in modern settings, I think we can all agree.

Ben: They just don't make any fucking sense.

Ben: It's time to move on and invent some new mythical horrors.

Me: Maybe you've heard of TWILIGHT, DRACULA 2000, and ANNE RICE?

Me: Also TRUE BLOOD, the hit HBO series.

Ben: I rest my case.

Ben: Welp, better upload this to the blog so I can get started on part three.

Me: So final thoughts on the book overall and its place in the Dartower canon?

Ben: I don't know its place in the Dartower canon yet.

Ben: If I didn't know that Callahan showed up in Dartower, I'd be pretty pissed that he went out like a bitch and got no closure.

Ben: I liked the themes of smalltown evils attracting gradually larger evils.

Ben: And it is a pretty spooky setting.

Ben: It seems eerily plausible that a town such as that could dry up without anybody noticing.

Ben: The characters were okay.

Ben: The main male characters, anyway.

Me: You liked the kid better than the girl?

Ben: Sort of.

Ben: Because he wasn't an idiot.

Ben: At least he was interesting.

Ben: I'm still a little creeped out by King's fascination with boy-love.

Ben: I get the feeling his father didn't pay him very much attention.

Ben: The setup of the book was good, if slow.

Ben: I liked Ben's backstory.

Ben: I didn't really like his paranormal beliefs.

Ben: Although I guess they were essential to his character.

Ben: I liked how it showed the stress the main characters were under.

Ben: I liked Callahan too.

Ben: Does he show up in the next Dartower book?

Me: No.

Ben: Dammit.

Ben: So I have no references to look forward to.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: I liked all the instances of describing the townsfolk going about their lives.

Ben: The bits of the book that mimicked newspaper clippings and such felt a little forced, especially after reading that their inclusion was because of DRACULA.

Ben: He doesn't write like a journalist, is the issue.

Ben: He writes like a fiction author trying to write like a journalist.

Ben: Maybe the DRACULA clippings were from such a different era that I can't distinguish if their tone was appropriate.

Ben: I really liked the final implication of the fire cleansing the town.

Ben: Especially after all the references to the fire of 1951.

Ben: So at least it ended on a positive note.

Ben: But the final long chapter that focuses on confronting the vampires is pretty silly in retrospect.

Ben: Like, he describes that as you stake a vampire, their arms flail around.

Ben: Then how are you continuing to stake it, asshole?!

Ben: It's a supernatural creature with supernatural strength.

Ben: Imagine, as I am sure you often do, that you are lying on your back and that I am poised over you with my hands on your chest.

Ben: Now imagine that you are lying recessed in a coffin.

Ben: In order for me to reach your heart, I have to come in from the side.

Ben: Now imagine that your arms are flailing wildly, and that you have the strength of the mentally challenged.

Ben: There is no way that I'd be able to stay in that position without getting my torso ripped in half.

Ben: This is forgetting that the vampire apparently wasn't even trying to fight back for some reason, and instead of trying to yank out the stake or fight back he just decided to do a little dance.

Me: Maybe they lose their strength during the day.

Ben: Right, it's like waking up and you're all sleepy.

Ben: And your muscles are all paralyzed.

Ben: I guess that's plausible.

Ben: But it doesn't forgive the mad flailing.

Ben: Anyway, final verdict: let's hope that DARTOWER 3: THE WASTE LANDS is a better work of literature.

Me: I don't understand why their hearts geyser blood after they're already undead.

Ben: "Black blood. Heart blood."

Me: What does that mean?

Ben: You'll have to ask Stephen King.

Me: So how would you rank the first four books of your journey to the Dark Tower?

Ben: Gunslinger was good.

Ben: Eye of Dagron was meh

Ben: The Drawing of the Three was good until we met the woman.

Ben: 'Salem's Lot was okay.

Me: Is okay better than meh?

Ben: Yes.

Ben: I am excited to get back to the Dartower though, I like Roland's character.

Ben: I am eager to see where his adventures lead.

Me: To the WASTE LANDS.

Me: So so far you would say the DT books are better than the non-DT books?

Me: Are you excited for The Stand?

Ben: Yeah I would say they are.

Ben: I am not very excited to read The Stand because it will probably take me a year.