Writers: John-Paul Bove and Jesse Wittenrich
Performance Date: April 8, 2016
The Transformers wiki lists this audio play under the title The Hot Rod, with a note that the printed script had the alternate title of Three Dinosaurs. The script does indeed have that title, but the article doesn't mention where the supposed main title, The Hot Rod, originates. Since that is a terrible title and makes little sense in the context of the story, and there's also a completely unrelated audio play from BotCon 2022 also called The Hot Rod, I'm just going to call it Three Dinosaurs.
Three Dinosaurs is a fix fic for Dawn of the Predacus that retcons (some of) the continuity errors introduced in that comic. Oddly, the script was co-written by the writer of Predacus, and was released and performed the day after Predacus was published. Which raises the question, if they already knew there were so many issues with that story as soon as it came out, why was it written like that to begin with?
But I digress. This story is structured as a series of flashbacks within flashbacks, like the worst Russian nesting dolls you've ever seen. The frame story takes place shortly after Beast Wars: The Ascending, during Megatron II's conquest of Cybertron in the pre-Beast Machines era. Lio Convoy and Big Convoy, Japanese characters from the Beast Wars II and Beast Wars Neo anime, report to Legend Convoy on the spread of Megatron's transformation virus, which has now infected two thirds of Cybertron. Legend Convoy is a new character invented for this story, and I'm not sure why. The two Japanese Convoys were already obscure enough characters that it's cool seeing them here in this glorified cameo. Couldn't they have just been talking to each other, instead of having to share the stage with an OC no one cares about who outranks both of them?
But I digress. Abruptly Lio Convoy is like "Hey, didn't we fight a guy named Megatron who was red and turned into a dragon like 300 years ago?" They pull up an audio log by "Investigator Hot Rod" from the end of the Great War. In this second layer of narrative, Hot Rod, more successfully known as Rodimus Prime, makes his report on a case he worked shortly after the armistice between the Autobots and Decepticons, because I guess he's a detective now. He plays a series of interviews he conducted at that time, leading us to our third narrative layer.
Hot Rod's first interview is with Blackarachnia, who in Beast Wars was a Maximal protoform born on Earth during the Beast Wars, but in this continuity is retconned to have already been alive and active on Cybertron before being turned into a protoform somehow and put aboard the Axalon for some reason. At this time, her name is "White Propionica," at which a guy named "Hot Rod" is taken aback. "I'd hate to hear what you'd call yourself if you chose to be a Predacon..." he remarks as he takes subtext out behind the woodshed and strangles it to death.
White Propionica flirts with Hot Rod less charismatically than a BioWare protagonist trying to unlock a romance achievement, then leads us into our fourth narrative layer, as she narrates the events she witnessed at the Advanced Plasma Energy Reactor power plant the week before Armistice Day. So now we're back even before Dawn of the Predacus.
White Propionica is a worker at the power plant when Megatron busts through the wall fighting the G1 Dinobots. "Antiquated oafs. You would NEVER catch ME in such a lumbering form," he sniffs. Because he was a T-rex in Beast Wars!!! Did you remember that???? The irony!!!!!!!!!
White Propionica observes that his current two-headed dragon alt mode is pretty much the same thing, but Megatron is scandalized: "It's not as though I'm actually organic. No. I'm one hundred percent metal, so any continuity errors there might be by having a dragon mode now but loathing another one later are unsubstantial." White Propionica then declares that she would NEVER use the Decepticon/Predacon activation code.
Because one day she will!
Megatron infects the computer with a "cyber-virus" that will cause the power plant to explode, blowing a massive hole in the planet and taking out multiple Autobot bases in the process. Then Grimlock comes in and starts fighting Megatron. White Propionica is knocked out in the chaos, and when she regains consciousness the power plant has been saved by a super-advanced AI program that she had never seen before.
Hot Rod's next interview subject is Dinobot, who hasn't yet taken that name but his current name isn't given. Pre-Dinobot tells Hot Rod about the epic sword fight between Megatron and Grimlock, the most honorable thing he's ever seen. Megatron was wounded and had to be dragged away from the battle, then Predaking took his place and fought Grimlock for hours. Grimlock's last words before losing consciousness were "Me Grimlock not die, me Dinobot."
"'Dinobot.' Hmm. That... is truly a name of honor," muses the Man Who Would Be Dinobot.
This whole story is full of embarrassingly on-the-nose references and callbacks and in-jokes, but Beast Wars Dinobot naming himself after the G1 Dinobot faction is something I really don't mind. It wasn't necessary, but it's better than Blackarachnia having a past life as "White Propionica" or Megatron continuity-nitpicking his own backstory.
The third interview is with Megatron himself. Most of it is cringe fandom meme humor but there are a few bits that do a good job of nailing Megatron as a genocidal, narcissistic, fascist psychopath, so good characterization there.
Finally, White Propionica comes back and reveals that the AI program that saved the power plant was a reference to "Grimlock's New Brain," an episode of the G1 cartoon where Grimlock gets Flowers for Algernoned. Apparently super-genius Grimlock left contingency protocols in dumb Grimlock's brain that would activate in the event of a number of crises, one of which was Plasma Energy Reactor Meltdown.
Grimlock saved the day, only to be turned into a protoform when the Tripredacus Council's stupid transmatter wave weapon went off in the preceding comic. We get slightly more information on what exactly that means, White Propionica observing "his spark still beats, but its identity totally wiped. As though he's starting it all over again." Hot Rod tells her to transfer the AI program with smart Grimlock's identity into Grimlock's protoform. It won't completely restore his old identity, but Hot Rod believes that "old stompy" won't stay down for long.
Back in the first layer, Legend Convoy says to Lio Convoy, "Tell me, where is Grimlock? For I much desire to speak with him." Lio Convoy replies "lol the transformation virus got him last week."
"So all of this was pointless!" Legend Convoy doesn't say.
They send a distress call to Hot Rod, who disappeared from Cybertron before his giant mechanical body could be downgraded to Maximal size. Just like in The Transformers: The Movie, Judd Nelson is once again Cybertron's last hope!
"Hahahahahahahahaaa!" says Megatron, presumably not from the same room where the rest of the scene was taking place.
A few cool ideas and some good worldbuilding, but mostly this was pretty bad and embarrassing. You can tell it was written by fans exclusively for a fan convention. I just wish there was video footage of Judd Nelson being forced at gunpoint to read this slop.
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