The Pirates and the Prince

The Revenge of Kylo Ren

Writer: Peter Sauder

Medium: Television

Air Date: October 26, 1985 

Timeline Placement: 15 BBY

 

It's the night of the peace talks between Mon Julpa, rightful king of Tammuz-an, and the renegade barbarian warlord Malameu Toda. Toda distrusts Julpa for reasons that we're never told, but the droids' bungled delivery of a giant cake that ends up smashed over C-3PO's head helps to lighten the mood. While Julpa makes time with Toda's daughter, Princess Gerin, Jann Tosh and R2-D2 do some work on Jann's R-22 Spearhead, but Threepio accidentally seals the cockpit, locking them inside. He goes to look for Jessica Meade to help get it open and happens across Jyn Obah, first mate of the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren, freeing his boss from Mon Julpa's dungeon, where he was imprisoned off-screen at the end of the last episode.

 

The escaping pirates happen across Julpa and Gerin taking a moonlight stroll. While Jann watches impotently from the cockpit of his Spearhead, the pirates blast Julpa with a mini-stunner, but the princess handily disarms them, kicks Jyn Obah's ass, and holds Kylo Ren at stunner-point. Woke!

 

For no reason at all, Threepio then bungles in and attacks Kylo Ren, perhaps attempting to use the fabled martial art of gravik-nez once again. His incompetence allows Kylo to take back the stunner, which he uses to knock out Princess Gerin. Jann escapes from his starfighter by pushing on the canopy slightly harder than he had been before, but he too is stunned and drops like a sack of steak knives. 

 

Kylo grabs Gerin and jumps into the open cockpit of a different Spearhead, because Jann's is just too iconic for him to steal. Jess chooses this moment to come running out of the palace, but because she's relieved not to be the damsel in distress this time she just stands around and does nothing. 

 

Lord Toda demands C-3PO's execution, but Jann says no and then he forgets about it. Kylo Ren sends them a ransom Skype call demanding the return of his ship and the release of his crew. This includes Jyn Obah, who was left behind to take his boss's place in Julpa's dungeon. Determined to make up for his earlier blunders, Threepio goes to see him and desperately begs him to reveal where Kylo has taken the princess to spare himself the horrors of the palace torture droid (R2-D2 with all his appendages sticking out). Terrified, Jyn Obah reveals that Kylo has a hideout on one of the moons of Bogden. But not the same moon of Bogden where Darth Tyranus hired Jango Fett to become the template for the clone army. A different moon of Bogden. The "bog moon of Bogden," to be precise.

 

Jann, Jessica, and the droids stage a commando mission to rescue the princess. They infiltrate the pirate hideout, where Threepio says that Artoo's sensors detect two human lifeforms, one on an upper floor and one on a lower floor. This is peculiar, because neither Gerin nor Kylo Ren is human. Jann and Threepio investigate one reading, while Jess and Artoo head for the other. The latter two discover Kylo's command room, but they are unable to reach him because he's protected by a force field. Sentient vines tie up Jess and hang her upside down from the ceiling while Kylo makes his getaway.

 

Meanwhile, Gerin has escaped from her cell but is surrounded by a pack of ravenous SungWons. Threepio lures the beasts away, allowing Jann to get to Gerin. They find the golden droid dismembered but undigested, and together they head back to the hangar. There they meet Jess and Artoo, who saved the day with his little cutting arm, but they are soon surrounded by Kylo Ren and his pirate crew, who Lord Toda has set free in an attempt to save his daughter. 

 

But Toda and Julpa were working together all along. A secret compartment opens in the pirate vessel, and Tammuz-anian troops rush out to apprehend the pirates. Kylo Ren makes a run for it but trips over C-3PO's broken metal body. He is taken back into custody along with his crew, spelling the end of the illustrious career of the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren and the Pirates of Tarnoonga.

 

Our heroes all return to Tammuz-an, where Julpa and Toda finally sign the peace treaty so Julpa can bang Toda's daughter. Jess abruptly announces that she's exiting the show, leaving Jann distraught over never making it to first base. Toda's son, Coby, asks Threepio how the droids managed to apprehend the most dangerous pirate gang in the galaxy, and C-3PO explains that he got by with a little help from his friends.

 

Tune in again next time, where this story arc drags on for another episode even though everything has already been resolved.