Who Disrupts My Coronation?

The New King

Writer: Peter Sauder

Medium: Television

Air Date: October 12, 1985 

Timeline Placement: 15 BBY

 

The tale of deposed monarch Mon Julpa's quest to retake the throne of Tammuz-an continues. Jann Tosh and the droids accompany their friend back to his homeworld aboard a transport ship piloted by Jessica Meade, a badass tramp freighter captain who, as the female lead of these episodes, suffers the unfortunate fate of being repeatedly kidnapped and gooned over by various ne'er-do-wells throughout this arc.

 

Jessica Meade (left), alias "Old Iron Pants" because of her fat ass.

Jessica's ship comes under fire by space pirates, led by the Dread Pirate Kylo Ren. They get away in an escape pod as the Corsalys is destroyed, but the infamous droid bounty hunter IG-88 arrives, having been hired to capture Julpa, and chases the pirates away. They're introduced as such an insignificant threat, it's hard to believe they're the primary villains of this arc.

 

More exciting is the appearance of IG-88, making his chronologically earliest appearance in the EU outside of his era-spanning short story "Therefore I Am: The Tale of IG-88." As with Boba Fett's appearance in the previous episode, this helps us nail down the outside date for that story. IG-88, as you know, is a rogue assassin droid-turned-bounty hunter designed and constructed by the Imperial scientists at Holowan Laboratories. Immediately after his consciousness came online, IG-88 murdered his creators and escaped, later appearing as a background extra in The Empire Strikes Back and as the scariest video game boss ever in Shadows of the Empire. Despite "Therefore I Am" receiving a full entry in Pablo Hidalgo's The Essential Reader's Companion, a Star Wars guidebook written to definitively place every Expanded Universe story in exact chronological sequence, it didn't do that, so we still have no idea when the Holowan massacre takes place. Thanks to this episode of Droids, though, we know it must have been before 15 BBY. Who cares!

 

Jessica was wounded in the battle so our heroes drop her off at a local Tammuz-an hospital, where she gets kidnapped off-screen. Threepio just explains this later in expository dialogue. Meanwhile, Zatec-Cha, the treacherous grand vizier who deposed Mon Julpa and erased his memories, sends his henchman Vinga to spy on the Best Friends Gang. Jann and the droids chase after him, leaving Mon Julpa behind to be immediately captured by IG-88.

 

IG-88 brings Mon Julpa before Zatec-Cha and hands over the all-important royal scepter, the magical artifact whose presentation to the Keeper of the Temple at the first sun of the equinox is the sole determinant of the Tammuz-an throne. Zatec-Cha has Jessica locked in an energy cage and taunts her with his dastardly plan to make her watch him feed Mon Julpa to a monster. Some classic Star Wars stuff.

 

Having nothing better to do, Jann and the droids infiltrate the palace to rescue their friends. They trigger a cartoon booby trap that breaks the laws of physics and end up accidentally wandering through a backdoor into the monster pit, where Mon Julpa is trying to evade the claws of the dreaded durkii.

 

Get real.

Above the pit, Zatec-Cha and Vinga watch the show with Jessica, who is rendered helpless by two guards holding her by the Standard Female Grab Area. "I would like to stay and watch, but I am well aware of the outcome!" Zatec-Cha cackles. Why does anyone even bother having a grand vizier anymore? Has there ever been one who wasn't evil?

 

Anyway the bad guys leave for the coronation, dragging Jessica along with them because they need a chick for the after-party. It looks like our heroes are doomed to digestion, but Artoo extends his arc welder appendage and starts zapping the blue scales on the monster's tail, causing them to fall off. It turns out that they aren't scales, but kleex! Aka space ticks. His itch alleviated, the durkii immediately becomes docile. Artoo wants to keep him as a pet, but Threepio says absolutely not.

 

The gang races to the palace hangar, where Zatec-Cha is trying to force Jessica into a skiff. Realizing he can get all the bitches he wants when he's king, he lets her go and books it for the temple, scepter in hand. A short episode of Wacky Races ensues, culminating with everyone arriving at the temple, where Jessica knocks the scepter from Zatec-Cha's hands and it is caught by who the vizier believes to be his henchman, Vinga. But "Vinga" tosses the scepter to Mon Julpa, who presents it to the Keeper of the Temple and reclaims his throne. Vinga disrobes, revealing himself to be C-3PO standing on R2-D2's dome, while the real Vinga runs around in his underwear with a vase stuck on his head.

 

The episode is basically over at this point but what the hell is this? When did the droids have time to steal Vinga's clothes, and why would they bother? More importantly, why couldn't Zatec-Cha tell that this eight-foot-tall imposter wearing a bag over its head wasn't his minion? This ruse didn't even have any effect on Threepio returning the scepter to Julpa so it was completely pointless anyway.

 

As Zatec-Cha is taken away to prison, he swears vengeance, promising that his spies will finish Mon Julpa for good. Later, at the coronation party, a couple of guys get caught by the palace guards. As a kid I always thought that these were the spies Zatec-Cha was talking about, but actually they were just randos stealing silverware or something. Zatec-Cha's threats are never realized and he vanishes from the Star Wars saga forever. 

 

No great loss.