Normal

Me: I guess Adachi was the killer all along but I never found any clues because I never talked to him.

Me: It’s not easy being a teen detective.

Paul: Oh did you finish?

Paul: How was it?

Paul: Idk honestly it wasn't obvious to me either.

Me: No he just escaped into the TV after being confronted about his crimes by a gang of gender-confused children.

Paul: TBF gangs of gender-confused children have proven rather dangerous recently.

Me: OK Jordan Peterson.

Paul: Ummm I'm sorry, you're Catholic and you have to follow the Pope.

Me: They vote how the archbishop tells them, and who tells the archbishop? Their king in the pointy hat what sits on his throne in Rome.
 
Me:

Me: Incels at it again.

Paul: Hahahaha

Look! The Burglar!

Me: Oh God let me out
Can you let me out
Can you set me free from this dark inner world

Paul: The fucking reporters

Paul: They were so over the top.

Paul: Remember the murderer/burglar guy in Death Note Live Action?

Me: The Japanese one or the terrible Netflix remake?

Paul: The Japanese one you, I, and Will watched.

Paul: The one you would quote: "There are ca-me-ras."

Me: I just remember you talking to a little girl on the bus who was wearing a Shinigami shirt or something.

Me: Hahaha

Me: That weird line reading is the only thing I remember from that movie.

Paul: At one point a guy stole something from Misa Misa's house and they saw him in the yard, and said, "Look! The burglar!"

Paul: And the burglar turned around, and stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes, like a complete maniac.

Paul: Then he scaled a tree like a monkey to escape.

Me: Like a true samurai.

Strange Student

Paul:

Paul: Hope you like this minigame from Persona 4.
 

Me: I’m in a dungeon that’s supposed to look like a video game, searching for the black-eyed high school student who is allegedly the killer.

 

Paul: Do you think it's him?

Paul: I mean it's a little too obvious lol.
 

Me: I remembered him as a suspect from when he harassed Yukiko at the beginning and then wasn’t seen again but I’m only 25 hours in and supposedly this is an 80+ hour game so...

 

Me:

 

Paul: All things have their anime. 

 

Me: To everything turn, turn, turn 

There is an anime turn, turn, turn 

Me: When I hear Star Wars, I think of the memories I have of the Special Edition changes, and playing video game demos as a kid on my PC. Yoda Stories. Star Warped. I think of the first books I ever read with the EU, Jedi Apprentice and the Journal entries, back in middle school. I think of that old dingy tape recorder we had to play the audiobooks of the movies. It takes me back to my old house on 1712 Laurel Street, in the little cul-de-sac looping around the swamp. I think of the Special Edition Jabba the Hutt toy I had, and the AT-AT walker, and the X-wing, and Kenner's Star Destroyer. I think of the 1990s, pure and raw and undiluted, high prospects, great economy, the best time alive to be a kid. And I just wish I could go back so much... I want to go back and be alive...

Me: People think going back to the '90s would be all fun and games, then it happens and they’re crushed under the moral obligation of trying to prevent 9/11.

Paul: Hahaha you should've based your nostalgia on the Nintendo.

 

Paul: Less can go wrong.

 

Me: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions.

Bear Looks Like a Lady

Me: Oh no, RIP King Moron.

Me: Why did Teddie become an androgynous twink?

Me: I can’t play this game anymore.

Paul: Teddy is me in the game.

Paul: if u h8 him u h8 (1) me (2) all trans teens

Me: Thanks I hate it.

Paul: why he's cute hahaha

Me: It’s like if Chewbacca became a femboy halfway through the trilogy.

Me: Oh no is he romanceable?

Paul: No I don't think so.

Me: Why would they give you the option to fuck a bear?

Me: Not that kind of bear.

Paul: Honestly though, fucking a femboy furry is pretty low, very internet creep.

Me: At least it’s not a 12-year-old band geek.

Don't Ask, Do Tell

Paul: There are like 5 girls anyways but IIRC kung fu spaz is the fan favorite.

Paul: Don't tell me you prefer Yuki!

Paul: Yukiko.

Me: No it’s too weird how the game keeps having her get hit on by elderly men.

Paul: Okay.... I don't recall this.... Like, actually sexually hit on? Or just like they think she's a good young woman?

Me: She does a TV interview where the reporter is like “You sure look hot in that kimono, I bet you have guys coming by your inn all the time!”

Me: Maybe Kirk did the translation.

Paul: Japanese are so perverts.

Paul: Remember Mr. Moraoka?

Paul: Ugh.

Me: “King Moron” the anti-pervert.

Me: He’s so against perversion it’s perverted.

Me: The two universal themes of anime are guys being perverts and characters constantly thinking about food.

Me: I guess the Japanese are constantly hungry because all they eat is noodles.

Paul: This is why they lost the war.

Me: Apparently there is also a transgender girl who is a popular character?

Me: So progressive for Japan, who apparently put a gay panic rape scene in the follow-up game.

Paul: She's a tomboy who really wanted to be a son.

Paul: Idk if she's "transgender."

Paul: Haha wait until you see how they treat the ambiguously gay character in THIS game!

Me: Bro this game is savage.

Me: I failed a flirt roll and it said “Unfortunately you didn’t actually have the courage to say that.”

Me: It really is just like high school!

Paul: Haha RAISE YOUR STATS

Me: YOU CAN ONLY RAISE YOUR STATS BY EATING BEEF

Me: I’m RPing as a vegan.

Paul: I forget what the best way to raise stats was.

Paul: Was it eating at the best restaurant? I kind of think so.

Me: Rainy Day Beef Bowl Challenge or something.

Paul: Very powerful soup.

Paul: Didn't it raise like 40 stats at once?

Paul: Lol video game.

Me: It raises all your stats but only if you already have high enough stats.

Me: My diligence is too low from not going to soccer practice so I can’t get the full boost.

Paul: Dude sports practice!!

Paul: Isn't there a social link from that?

Me: Yeah but those are the most boringest characters.

Me: I can’t force myself to play sports in video games.

Paul: Hahaha dude....IIRC I too immediately dropped their social link.

Paul: Did not care about those characters.

Paul: I think my fave was the little brother of the first murder victim.

Paul: Think he only shows up much later.

Me: Yeah haven’t met him yet.

Me: I am in like early June after playing for 13 hours.

Paul: Does it start in April? Japanese school year is weird.

Me: I think so.

Me: It took me a while to figure out why I was going to school on Saturday.

Paul: lol

Paul: What dungeons have you completed?

Me: Yokiko castle and Gay Guy gay sauna.

Paul: Yukiko was a hard boss for me!

Paul: Omg that guy is so gay but like...idk I think they portray him as straight later on? It's weird. Cool character though.

Me: I think she killed my whole team but I have it set to the lowest difficulty so they just came back to life.

Me: When he sublimated his shadow he realized that his queerness wasn’t caused by his hatred of women but by his fear of being rejected.

Paul: Oh one of THOSE.

Me: It’s not about who he’s attracted to, it’s about loving himself so others can love him as well.

Me: But he is totally gay though.

Paul: I still... yeah I thought it was interesting but a lil off, like they couldn't have a full gay character. Idk, compared to [what] we have today, a bi guy who goes gay because it's easier and less stressful than getting pussy is... kind of refreshingly nuanced?

Me: Yuoususkaske is clearly queer-coded by his homo devotion to the protagonist + going into gay panic in the face of Tatusumeisme’s openly gay shadow self.

Me: I read an article about how this game was a complete failure of LGBT representation because the gays weren’t gay enough and the trans wasn’t really trans.

Me: The solution is to make every character in Persona 6 bisexual so the player can fuck all of them.

Paul: ME3 style!

Paul: You're right, it's actually better that it be a little ambiguous.

Me: They did that in Dragon Age II where every romance NPC will respond to you the same regardless of your gender.

Paul: Americans want to slot people into sex categories lol, maybe WE'RE autistic and the Japanese are actually normal.

Me: That is less interesting to me because it kind of takes away from your ability to customize your character, your gender doesn’t really matter if the game doesn’t acknowledge it.

Me: But whatever, just let me fuck them all!

Me: Well it probably doesn’t help that all the DA2 characters are boring and lame.

Paul: In a game called Dick Ass 2...? No kidding.

Paul: Dude who's the best character?

Paul: In your opinion.

Me: Well from watching the anime intro there are two more party members to recruit, girl with pigtails and trans detective.

Paul: I mean generally, including the NPCs.

Me: I like Chai Tea, Yousuke, your uncle the cop, and the little girl.

Me: Oh and the fox.

Paul: Chie is honestly a good sturdy woman.

Paul: The uncle rocks.

Me: I laughed out loud when the game was like “gather the gang to discuss the case?” and then the fox was randomly there sitting at the table with everyone and no one commented on it.

Paul: Anime moment.

Paul: Anyhow you forgot to mention Teddy.

Paul: The greatest bear alive.

Me: He’s an empty costume.

Paul: Have you seen inside?

Paul: Scary.

Me: Are you supposed to figure out who the killer is? Like is it an established character or just some bullshit demon or something?

Paul: Figure it out, it's a person in the game with a portrait and everything.

Me: Ok cool.

Anime Murder Mystery

Me: Hahaha what the fuck

 

Paul: It's an anime murder mystery!! Inside the television sets of a small town!

Me: Anime Twin Peaks, basically.

Me: Is this what they call a “visual novel”?

Me: 90% of the gameplay so far is clicking through text.

Paul: Japanese games are kind of on rails, they can be super linear.

Paul: This one is super linear.

Paul: Yeah the entire plot is on a timer like in ME2 after the Collectors attacked the ship.

Paul: You're on a schedule the entire game.

Paul: Only covers you have are when to do main plot things and whom to hang out with outside of school.

Paul: Honestly, just play Fallout 2. Less time investment and less Japanese.

Me: I can’t with those old CRPGs.

Me: CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

Paul: You'll never escape clicking.

Paul: Fallout 2 is honestly better storywise.

Paul: No but actually there are a lot of keyboard shortcuts, like K kills something etc.

Paul: Yeah Persona 4 is in retrospect like 50 hours of JRPG spreadsheet and calendar management with a totally bizarre anime main plot and admittedly good anime side plots, nice design and great music.

Paul: If you don't like anime I don't think you'll finish it.

Paul: Also it's annoying near the end where you have to get things exactly right or else it gives you a shit ending haha.

Paul: Fallout 2, Subnautica, Tyranny, Outer Worlds... All objectively better.

Paul: If you want a linear story-based RPG, then I guess it's your ticket?

Paul: .....But if you want a story-based RPG in a really well built WORLD, like Mass Effect or Kotor, srsly it's not the game for you, the others are.

Paul: Surely the CRPG is less foreign to you than the JRPG?

Me: It’s weird and different but I don’t dislike it. The time management stuff is getting irritating because apparently you have to join clubs and get a job to raise your stats but that limits potential party interactions.

Me: Unless it’s a false dilemma like in those stupid Telltale games and none of your choices actually matter.

Me: Combat is a little tedious but basically just Pokémon so I’m used to it.

Me: Otherwise it’s fine. Whereas I was unable to progress very far in Planescape: Torment because the interface was so dense and unintuitive.

Paul: You 100% have to pick and choose. I think technically if you follow a guide you can do it all but lol how annoying.

Paul: I think that game is boring. All the lore is D&D lore. That's such a boring world.

Paul: Idk yeah I think it doesn't matter too much what you tell your party members.... Except for a handful of cases.

Me: I remember playing the Telltale Walking Dead game like 10 years ago and there’s one part where one of your party members abruptly gets murdered so I was like whoops must have picked a wrong dialogue so I replayed that section half a dozen times before realizing oh you can’t prevent this I guess. So I replayed other parts where you had to make decisions and you eventually were railroaded to same place either way.

Me: What a betrayal lol.

Paul: Yeah well

Paul: Idk, actually I remember there are some decisions which don't matter (most story events) and a fair number that do.

Paul: Like, if you're doing a character's side quest and they ask you a question... Like once every two or three choices it's am important one. You have to rely on your understanding of that character to say the right thing to them.

Paul: Fuck it up and they'll like you less.... Sometimes just stop hanging with you altogether.

Paul: You know, in the massive emphasis on character side quests it IS a lot like Mass Effect.

Paul: ME2 specifically.

Me: Do the characters from like band club or whatever eventually become involved in the TV world plot or are they permanent distractions?

Paul: Some do... It might surprise you what characters the TV plotline suddenly entraps.

Paul: But mostly no.

Paul: You know....a group of high school kids dealing with a supernatural threat is actually right up your alley. You like Animorphs, you probably liked Stranger Things.

Paul: You will eventually have a choice between band and theatre. I recommend you choose theater, that character's narrative is a lot more compelling.

Paul: Full disclosure: I chose band camp and the band camp girl is super cute and I was down with being her platonic friend.

Paul: And then the game decided this 12-year-old had a crush on the MC, and that you could date her and it wasn't weird at all.

Paul: Of course the real problem is that she's a boring character compared to the theater girl.

Paul: Anyways if you dislike a character you can just ignore them and not be their friend, skipping their activity.

Paul: Date a 12-year-old, it's cool in Japan.

Paul: Don't you want to be cool?

Me: I do like the premise! Also very Twin Peaks with some Stephen King’s It.

Me: They should have stopped Stranger Things after season 1.

Paul: Yes.

Me: The latest season is better but each episode is the length of feature film so I can’t force myself to sit through it.

Paul: Yes.

Paul: This is the story of all television.

Paul: I mean, IMO it may also be the story of Western Civilization but jury's out.

Me: Feel bad for Gen Z who has to “binge watch” terrible Netflix shows just to maintain any meaningful social interaction with each other.

Me: In high school I was binging 30-year-old detective shows on DVD.

Paul: You could still be a rebel today I think.

Me:

Paul: Idk how it'd go down.

Paul: The nouveau fascism is worse on the coasts and with the rich.

Me: But the real question is

Me: Which underage schoolgirl in this pervert game is best waifu?

Me: I feel like the game is pushing me toward spastic kung fu movie nerd girl by front-loading her interactions.

Paul: I went with her, she's down to earth.

Paul: Another girl who shows up late in the game is also great though.

Persona Non Grata

Me: Have you played any of the Persona games?

Me: “They're contemporary games set in modern Japan with a very refreshing urban fantasy take based on Jungian psychology and world mythology as opposed to Tolkienesque fantasy, and they're turn based but with a really snappy style of combat. If you can get past some of the anime tropes I feel you'll get everything from those games that you'd also get from a bioware joint.”

Paul: Yes I love them.

Paul: Persona 4 was cool.

Paul: 5 jumped the shark and the main plot made no sense, so it was frustrating.

Paul: 3 is a little too hardcore for most people, the story gets dark near the end and the battles can be so fucking unfair.

Paul: I'd recommend playing Persona 4 for the PS2, then P3 if you liked P4.

Paul: Idk though tbf, they are very anime.

Paul: I'm not sure you'd like them if you're not a little weeaboo.

Me: THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED

Me: I was listening to a let's play of KOTOR 2 and the guy kept saying that it reminded him of Persona, but not sure if he meant the subject matter or the awkward fan service.

Watching the Obi-Wan Kenobi Show on Disney+

Parts I & II (5/27)

* Obi-Wan Kenobi series premiered today, watching the first episode now and the opening scene is literally a school shooting.

* Timing!

* Little kids doing tai chi in a classroom in the Jedi Temple and then clonetroopers burst into the room and start shooting everyone.

* I know they probably filmed it a year ago or whatever and we have a new school shooting like every day

* But still.

* The rest of the episode was okay, some good parts and a few cringey parts, about what I expected and apparently the best Disney is capable of anymore.

* Ten years after Anakin Columbines the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan is working at like an outdoor meat packing plant on Tatooine?

* He and his co-workers have to take a sand bus out to this place in the middle of the desert every day and stand at these outdoor tables in the shadow of a krayt dragon skeleton or something, I think?

* On the tables are long strips of meat and their job is to cut it into smaller pieces of meat

* Which is mundane enough that you’d think they could just have droids do it? And why is this operation taking place in the middle of the desert with no shelter from the sun or sand?
 

* They only spend like three minutes of screentime on Obi-Wan’s job but it seems like a weird setup.

* Obi-Wan lives in a cave with no furniture except a little table.

* He’s been here for ten years and is still just camping out in a cave?

* I assume they’ll eventually show how he moves into his little hut from the movie but it’s weird that he waited so long.

* After his job at the meat packing plant Obi-Wan spends the rest of his day spying on the Lars farm to watch over little kid Luke.

* A new Jedi character on the run from Imperial Inquisitors tracks down Obi-Wan and asks for his help. Obi-Wan tells him to fuck off because the Inquisitors are on Tatooine hunting him and he could draw attention to Luke. The Jedi is like “What happened to you, Obi-Wan? You used to be a great Jedi.”

* “You want my help?” asks Obi-Wan, snatching the guy’s lightsaber. I thought he was going to kill him with it and leave his body in the desert lol but that would have been too hardcore so Obi just tells him to bury his saber and live a normal life.

* Meanwhile on Alderaan little kid Leia is kidnapped by Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

* This turns out to be part of a scheme by Lady Inquisitor to lure Obi-Wan out of hiding.

* Not because she knows Leia’s true parentage but because of that line in ANH about Obi-Wan and Bail Organa being old war buddies which George Lucas completely forgot about when making the prequels.

* I’m guessing  Lady Inquisitor was one of the Jedi kids who escaped the temple in the opening school shooting scene and she wants revenge on Obi-Wan or else why would that scene be there.

* Bail Organa calls Obi-Wan for help. Obi-Wan insists he has to stay and protect Luke. “She’s just as important as he is!” Bail says, which makes sense for him to say as a character but I couldn’t help reading a political statement into it lol.

* Eventually Obi-Wan is convinced and travels into the featureless desert to dig up the box in which he buried his lightsaber ten years ago.

* Apparently he buried it under about six inches of sand so you’d think the wind would have uncovered it a long time ago but whatever.

* Oh they also give the origin of Luke’s toy T-16 Skyhopper that he plays with in one scene of ANH.

* Obi-Wan bought it from a Jawa and left it at the Lars farm one night like Santa Claus.
 

* Uncle Owen brings it back to him though so there’s more story to be told.

 

* Get a load of that smoke CGI coming out of the sand bus.

* Three separate chase scenes in the first two episodes and they’re all hilarious.

Part III (6/2)

* Today on Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hayden Christensen returns as Darth Vader, beats the shit out of Obi-Wan in a lightsaber fight, and sets him on fire for the sake of karmic irony.

* “When last we met I was but the learner, now I am the master.”

* That’s okay though because Revenge of the Sith already contradicted Vader telling Luke that Obi-Wan thought there was still good in him.

* Continuity is fucked no matter what so why not lol.

Part V (6/15)

* Today’s episode of Kenobi features a flashback to Attack of the Clones-era Anakin and Obi-Wan, but with no de-aging VFX besides copious makeup so the actors are wearing their costumes from AOTC but look 20 years older.

* They have a practice duel where Obi-Wan’s lightsaber is clearly just a hilt prop because there isn’t even an emitter on the end the blade is supposed to come out of, just flat featureless plastic.

* They cut away and when they cut back to Obi-Wan his lightsaber has conveniently moved out of frame so the VFX artists can just animate the blade coming up into the shot instead of showing it come out of the hilt.

* I laughed out loud.

But then this brought him to mind of the way he used to look—striking, and grand, with a wry tilt to his brow that hinted of invincibility and took in all of life with a wink. Yes, that was how he’d looked once.

* I read somewhere that this show cost $25 million per episode.

* All that money must have gone straight into someone’s pockets because none of it has shown up on screen.

 

* The show isn’t good but it’s still mostly enjoyable because it doesn’t feel like it’s made by people who hate me.

Part VI (6/22)

 

 

* I cried butterfly tears!

* Kinda wanted Reva to get Mauled though.

 

Conclusion

* The Obi-Wan show was not that great overall but in light of the absolute travesty live-action Star Wars media has been for the last 25 years, it's a complete triumph!

 

More emotionally evocative than the actual show.

Star Trek: Picard, Episode 14: "Watcher"

* Sadly my Paramount+ trial has expired so I will be unable to watch the rest of Star Trek Peecard.

* Alas.

Star Trek: Picard, Episode 13: "Assimilation"

* Trying to watch Star Trek Picard but the Paramount+ app is terrible.

* Thank goodness I'm not paying for it!

* Rated TV-14 for coarse language and violence.

* First shot of the episode and oh my god there are so many lens flares?

* Why are they doing this? JJ Abrams doesn't even work for Star Trek anymore.

* Seven's husband and his crew hold the Picard gang at gunpoint but Seven and Raffi just casually grab their phasers away from them because they are strong female characters.

* They then fucking disintegrate the bad guys and fly away.

* Q appears and tells Picard that this life of violence and fear is all he understands then he disappears again.

* There's a shitty holographic HUD floating in front of Rios's face and every time the actor turns his head or cranes his neck the whole giant holographic panel moves with him and it looks so stupid.

* The Borg queen warps the ship around the sun. "This is loco!" says Rios.

* Did you know that he's Spanish did you get that

* They safely arrive in the 21st century and the ship immediately crashes because that's exciting.

* The ship loses power and Raffi starts screaming because the medbay's bio-bed is the only thing keeping Legolas alive after he was shot.

* I literally laughed out loud. She is so overwrought and none of the other characters give a shit. Wasn't Picard like Legolas's adoptive father last season or something? I don't remember Raffi ever even interacting with him.

* Oh he's dead now I guess. I'm sure that's permanent.

* Seven and Raffi turn on Picard and start calling him a bad leader and a douchebag because he won't let them revenge-kill the Borg queen and strand them in the past.

* "You have spent decades screwing around with Q! You play little games and ruin people's lives!" Raffi accuses Picard. Remember all the episodes where that happened?

* Oh they establish right in this scene that fixing the timeline will resurrect Legolas for no reason. Now I'm really devastated that this character I loved is gone.

* "We have to be careful while we're in the past that their technology doesn't detect our VACCINATION CHIPS." What the shit.

* I guess COVID really never will go away. 

* The Borg queen is in a coma. Someone needs to send their consciousness into her mind to wake her up but it can't be Picard because having been assimilated previously he would be easy prey, so Agnes decides that she will do it. 

* Meanwhile Raffi is being emotional and jeopardizing their mission.

* Why does she care lmao. No one else gives a SHIT. They are completely indifferent to Legolas dying. It's hilarious.

* "The longer you're inside her the stronger she becomes." ~ Jean-Luc Picard

* Raffi, Seven, and Rios leave the ship to go find "the watcher" while Picard sits on the ship because he's the main character.

* There's a cute scene where Seven materializes in front of a little girl who asks if she's a superhero.

* I guess the transporter isn't working right or something because the three of them wind up in different places. Rios materializes on a fire escape and immediately falls off, landing on his head.

* A good Samaritan takes him the hospital but he tells them not to call the police.

* Lmao he's going to get deported isn't he.

* Raffi explores a trailer park and some white dude in a hoodie tries to mug her in broad daylight.

* "Give me your wallet!" 

"What? Oh. Money. Right. Uh, no. Wow though."

* I guess they're back to not using money in Star Trek even though Raffi was shitting on Picard last season for living in a mansion while she was growing space pot in a shack.

* Raffi just grabs the gun away from him again and knocks the guy out, then disassembles the gun.

* How would she know how to do that? I don't even know how to do that and I'm from this century.

* Raffi robs the guy while he's unconscious for what she calls "the apocalypse fund." These are our heroes.

* Remember when Kirk and the gang needed money in the '80s and instead of robbing some homeless tweaker they just pawned Kirk's glasses?

* Seven walks up after the confrontation and finds her erstwhile lover picking the pockets of an unarmed man lying unconscious on the ground. "We just got here and you're already making friends," she jokes.

* "He started it," says Raffi. "A wonderful ambassador up against a backdrop of hope meets hopelessness. You're killing it, 2024." 

* Pure cringe.

* Back on the ship Agnes's brain is hooked up to the Borg queen while Picard supervises.

* This scene is actually sort of interesting as Agnes is conscious and describes the process of assimilation as the Borg queen infiltrates her mind.

* I mean if I gave a shit about anything that was happening it would be interesting.

* Seven and Raffi need to go to the top of the tallest building in LA because for some reason their tricorders need to be up high to get a better reading. I get better reception on my iPhone!

* A security guard stops them but Seven says she and her girlfriend wanted to go to the top of the building and "capture an image."

* "Take a picture" Raffi translates into 21st century-ese. Why would she be any more likely to know that?

* Seven says that another guard named Kevin let them go up before so the guard assents.

* Meanwhile Spanish Rios talking to a Spanish doctor named Teresa.

* Once she leaves he notices that he has lost his comm badge! Some little kid is trying to play it like a video game. 

* Fortunately he is sitting right outside Rios's room so Rios staggers out and confronts him.

* Teresa comes out and tells the little kid to finish his homework or he can't watch Rick & Morty. She is his mom but the dad is out of the picture. Make your move, Rios!

* On the ship Picard has disconnected Agnes from the computer. She is unconscious but now the Borg queen is awake again.

* "You have to help us find the watcher!" says Picard. "What can we give you?" 

"Your ship!"          

* Rios is preparing to leave the clinic when the cops pull up outside. "Immigration raid!" cries Teresa.

* I'm dying.

* The queen tries to extort Picard with the location of the watcher but Agnes wakes up and says "Aha! You don't even know it anymore because I stole that file from your brain!"

* "What you've done is more dangerous than you realize," the queen tells her. "You've impressed me."

* The cops demand to see Rios's ID then arrest both him and Teresa. Tragically his comm badge lies just out of reach on the desk! 

* He's marched out the door just as Picard is calling.

* NEXT TIME: Picard goes on a rescue mission to the southern border???

Star Trek: Picard, Episode 12: "Penance"

* Time for STAR TREK: PUKEHARD SEASON 2: PUKE HARDER.

* “I am too old for your bullshit, Q!”

* Q is acting cray cray. 

* “I have had enough of your stupid patronizing!” Picard says and Q fucking bitch slaps him across the face.

* “And I have had enough of you refusing to change in the only way that matters!” Q retorts, addressing the Star Trek franchise at large.

* In this reality the Earth is a poisoned wasteland kept habitable by giant atmospheric shields.

* Picard is a slave-owner who keeps the skulls of his vanquished enemies in his study.

* One of the skulls belongs to Sarek, who Picard decapitated in personal combat.

* Q says that in this reality Picard got his Noonien Soongh bio-android body in a fight with DS9 villain Gul Dukat.

* Which makes no sense.

* Q is mad at Evil Alt Universe Picard and has brought regular Picard and the Stargazer crew here to atone for Bad Picard’s crimes.

* Or something.

* All will be revealed!

* “I don’t know who I am, but I’m not myself” Picard says to one of his slaves.

* Picard finds a hologram of himself doing Starship Troopers propaganda broadcasts.

* Picard is called to the presidential palace for Eradication Day.

* And the president is Seven of Nine!

* For some reason Q has transported her normal self here as well.

* In this universe the Federation is called the Confederation.

* REMEMBER THE CIVIL WAR???

* Meanwhile Captain Rios is on the Vulcan Front, where the Confederate fleet is nuking Vulcan from space.

* “Those Vulcan bastards will meld your minds and scramble your balls.”

* MEANWHILE in Okinawa (???) Space Legolas also appears in this universe, even though as far as I know he wasn’t even at the battle with the Borg.

* I guess Q just plucked up everyone in the main cast.

* Maybe he was there, I don’t fucking know.

* This reminds me of that Animorphs book where the Ellimist changed the past so they never got their powers.

* Except way more stupid.

* Eradication Day is the holiday for eradicating terrorists, aliens, alien terrorists, and other enemies of the Confederation.

* Agnes Gerardi wakes up in a lab with a cartoon cat who is her virtual pet.

* Seven walks in and Agnes is like “wow you look hot!”

* All women are bisexual in the future. 

* This character is so terrible and obnoxious.

* AU Agnes has a Borg Queen frozen in a tube or something.

* “Reality has been split, time has been broken,” the Queen says.

* Seven exposits that Borg Queens share knowledge across timelines and universes, apparently????

* Was this ever established before?

* I guess Guinan could do it in Yesterday’s Enterprise.

* Raffi has pretended to capture Legolas, who is a terrorist in this reality, and Picard randomly bumps into them. 

* “Picard has petitioned to be titled ‘the Borgslayer,’” Seven’s husband announces.

* Seven’s husband is not Chakotay because the writers never watched the Voyager episode where they got together.

* “This is not another reality, this is our reality! Q went back in time and changed the present!” says Picard. 

* Sure whatever.

* “Q seemed unstable, not quite sane!” 

* Picard, Raffi, Legolas, Seven, and Agnes all meet up in the basement and Picard demands the Borg Queen use her random omniscience to explain what Q did to the timeline.

* The Borg Queen says that a “temporal recision” happened in Los Angeles in 2024.

* Please let it be Trump getting re-elected lmao.

* Picard describes the plot to Star Trek IV and says they need to go back in time by slingshotting around the Sun.

* Agnes says “But we need someone to plot the temporal whatever like Spock did in The Voyage Home!”

* They’re going to have the Borg Queen do it but a machine suddenly pulls her out of the room for the Eradication ceremony.

* Seven says Picard is scheduled to publicly execute her on stage. 

* Not-Chakotay comes in and is like wtf is going on with you people and Agnes gives this terrible cringey fake explanation that goes on forever and is supposed to be really funny.

* You know they say multiple times that the tech level of this reality is about the same as the normal timeline but apparently Earth all by itself somehow managed to completely wipe out the entire Borg species down to this single queen.

* Sure why not.

* Picard and Seven go on stage with the queen. The crowd chants Picard’s name and he pumps his fist to rile them up.

* Meanwhile Raffi and Legolas have to shut down the palace shields so Rios can transport everyone out. Legolas violently slashes the throats of several security guards, proving himself a worthy addition to Starfleet Academy. 

* Rios reunites the cast. “Well that was all kinds of terrible,” says Agnes. My thoughts exactly.

* Agnes plugs the Borg Queen into the ship to calculate whatever, but Seven’s husband beams aboard with a security team and shoot Legolas!

* “Jean-Luc Picard: traitor!” says Beta Chakotay. “Killed while rescuing a Borg!”

* Cut to credits, what a cliffhanger!

* Remember when they used to do this type of story in 90 minutes.

* Now it takes 10 hours because it’s better.