Oh So We're Still Talking About This Book Are We

 

Ben: Oh also I finished INSOMNIA so you should get online so you can receive my synopsis  

Me: Hurry up, bitch

Ben: Yes, heaven forbid I tarry wrt INSOMNIA

Gondor Needs No King

Ben: I’ve gotten about 70 pages further into INSOMNIA tonight. it is my go-to distraction from familial interaction  

Me: Did the plot start happening yet?  

Ben: Not sure but I’m finding it rather enjoyable  

Me: Explain  

Ben: I feel like stephen is actually doing a good job with the supernatural bullshit in this one. Doing a good job of portraying a suffering character who can’t ever be sure that what’s happening to him isn’t just a slow descent into insanity  

Me: But they’re so old  

Ben: Also notable for the fact that this is the first old main character in the history of literature  

Me: Aragorn in lotr is like 600 years old  

Ben: Aragorn isn’t the main character you fuck

HELP OMG PORN

Ben: 1) There is a nerd gift-giving party happening right now oh my god and 2) my dad is a republican.

Me: Omg are you there right now?  

Ben: No but I will probably swing by in a bit. I am reading INSOMNIA  

Me: Keep an eye out for gay porn (as you are wont to do)  

Ben: Oh don't worry.

Thanksgiving

Me: Happy Thanksgiv…wait….Christmas is coming?!?.....sweeeeeeeeeeeetttt!!! Let there be snow :)  

Ben: Are you high?  

Me: Yeah huffin' tryptophan.  

Ben: Was actually reading some more INSOMNIA in order to kill time that would otherwise be spent with my family. 

Me: Are they all telling racist jokes?  

Ben: Omg it’s like you’re right here.

Halloweentown High

 

Ben: Remember how my mom borrowed your copy of EVERYTHING’S EVENTUAL to read in the hospital after my grandma was crushed to dust?

Me: Yes why?

Ben: Because for some ineffable reason she packed the book away with all her Halloween decorations.

Me: Maybe she thought it was a Halloween book.

Ben: Stephen King is scary like Halloween is scary.

Me: Is it gone forever now?

Ben: At least until next Halloween. We'll have to postpone our blog’s thrilling conclusion until then.  

Me: You already finished that book, you asshole.

Ben: So I guess this would be a good time to ask when the next DARTOWER book is coming out.

Me: Didn't you hear? That series is finished.

Ben: FUCKING spoiler alert!!  

Me: Hurry up and finish Christopher Nolan's INSOMNIA, Father Callahan comes back in the next book.

Ben: WHO??!
 
Me: My god, your brain is full of holes.

A Cure for Insomnia

Ben: You should be proud of me.

Ben: I got like 30 more pages into INSOMNIA 

Ben: while handing out Halloween candy. 

Ben: I remember reading THE STAND while handing out candy last yaer. 

Ben: Yarr.

Me: We passed our two-year anniversary last month. 

Ben: Thanks for ruining my momentum, THE STAND. 

Me: It's like you actually are on a journey to reach the Tower. 

Ben: How long did it take them to reach the Tower in the books, irl? 

Me: Time is out of joint or something. 

Me: Has anything else happened in the book yet? 

Me: Is it just old people talking about incontinence and abortion? 

Ben: Lady got betten up. 

Ben: By her hubbind. 

Me: That's like the first thing that happens. 

Ben: Did I mention that I am on like page 90? 

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

Ben: lol @ your rage. 

Me: You're killing me.

MANGLE!

Ben: I'm so psyched to be let down.

Ben: You have no idea.

Me: You are a masochist.

Ben: I hope I do not have inflated expectation of how bad it is going to be.

Ben: I'd like to think that it is so bad that it is actually worse than I can even imagine.

Ben: A mind-expanding experience.

Me: The 2001: A Space Odyssey of bad endings.

Ben: My god, it's full of shit.

Me: Speaking of disappointing science fiction franchises.

Ben: 2002: A Space Illiad.

Me: Did you finish that book about old people yet?

Ben: I am on page

Ben: 60

Ben: of like 800.

Ben: That's not too bad!

Me: Did the plot start yet?

Ben: The main character is experiencing the onset of INSOMNIA.

Ben: Roll opening credits.

Me: Are you excited for Stephen King's treatise on abortion?

Ben: Oh god.

Ben: I figured this would just be a subplot.

Me: It is a running theme.

Ben: Is this book this ATLAS SHRUGGED of abortion?

Ben: That would be a good blurb for the back

Ben: regardless of its truth.

Ben: "The ATLAS SHRUGGED of abortion." ~ Richard

Me: Pretty sure I saw Blaine the Mono in the trailer.

Ben: For Dartower 1?

Me: For Atlas Shrugged.

Me: The Dark Tower movie got canceled I think.

Ben: The Atlas Shrugged/Dartower crossover.

Me: Every book is a subset of the Stephen King multiverse.

Ben: Including this Facebook conversation.

Me: Scorponok and Terrorsaur fall into Roland's world in book 6.

Ben: Honestly if I opened WOLVES OF THE CALLA to find that Susannah had been replaced by Scorponok I would be fucking psyched.

Ben: SONG OF SCORPONOK.

Ben: The Bulldozer King will reward me highly for this!

Moving On

Ben: Holy shit, INSOMNIA is 700 pages of tiny font

I wonder if David Bowie based his song on the Dartower series

Ben: Way to spoil your own story in the foreword, stephen king

Me: Whaaaaat

Ben: Was the short story entitled FOURTEEN-OH-EIGHT the inspiration for the john cusack movie of the same name

Me: Yes.

Me: Stephen King spoiled 1408?

Ben: No he spoiled L.T.'S THEORY OF PETS

Ben: So

Ben: the eponymous short story of EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL was pretty good.

Ben: I enjoyed it.

Ben: A good read.

Ben: Two thumbs up, I suppose.

Ben: Also does that have something to do with the first story from HEARTS IN ATLANTIS?

Me: We require more in-depth analysis.

Ben: I forget what the old man does.

Ben: What his job is.

Me: I don't think.

Ben: Dammit.

Ben: So in HIA

Ben: the old man

Ben: from the first story

Ben: was a "thing."

Ben: What is that thing?

Me: Breaker.

Ben: That's it.

Ben: Does that make him a tranny?

Me: Whaaaat.

Ben: In EVERYTHING'S ETC.

Ben: The people with supernatural powers

Ben: are all called "trannies."

 Me:  Is that what they're called?

Me: I don't remember.

Ben:  Yes.

Ben: It is.

Ben: They work for the Trans Corporation.

Ben: Hence

Ben: repeatedly

Ben: referred to as "Trannies."

Ben: Yes, it seemed weird.

Ben: It was a good story though.

Ben: The pacing was good.

Ben: He did not do too much of that thing he does where he tells you what is happening in like twenty pages.

Ben: He also did not engage in any fierce misogyny so bonus.

Me:  Plus he dumped those coins down a storm drain.

Ben: And the supernatural bullshit was kept to the minimum necessary to support the premise.

Me: Stephen King got that idea in the shower.

Ben: Had an interesting and quirky main character.
  
Ben: Exposition came at just the right times.

Ben: So, a good story.

Ben: Okay so wait.

Ben: In this book

Ben: there were two stories I needed to read.

Ben: Which was they?

Me: The one about Roland fighting Super Mutants and the eponymous story.

Ben: Aha.

Ben: So it does have something to do with something.

Ben: Vaguely, perhaps.

Ben: I knew it!

Ben: Trannies abound.

Me: It's like [VIETNAM] all over again.

Ben: Q&A.

Ben: Queers and [VIETNAM].

Me: ROFL 

Ben: Also you can't put the acronym "[VIETNAM]" on the blog.

Me: Shit.

Ben: You will have to think of wholly plausible substitutes.

Me: I will call it [IRAQ].

Me: Shit, now that will read "I will call it [VIETNAM]."

Ben: Fuck!!!

Me: It's like a snake fucking itself in the ass.

Ben: I think you mean: the mouth?

Me: How are the rest of the stories in that book?

Me: I've only read those two and the one that was a ripoff of that Alfred Hitchcock episode except with a handjob.

Ben: Haha.

Ben: I have forgotten if the ones preceding the Dartower vampire story were any good.

Ben: The ones after it seem to be pretty okay to good.

Me: 1408?

Ben: I have barely begun that one.

Ben: Fortunately I have forgotten how the movie ended.

Ben: Also

Ben: I don't know if the movie was really based on the plot of the story at all.

Me: Is the main character a writer?   

Ben: Ummmm.

Ben: Are you even listening to yourself?

Me: LOL how foolish.

Ben: I have noticed some distinct new themes in these latter stories.

Ben: 1) Dogs are so stupid, fuck dogs

Ben: 2) Quitting smoking

Ben: 3) Authors (j/k this is not a new theme)

Ben: 4) Divorce

Me: This is a marked change from his earlier writings such as The Stand, in which the dog was so smart it had its own pov section.

Ben: In the foreword King claims to have chosen the order of these stories at random

Ben: which seems hard to believe since like there are four stories in a row that are about divorced authors who have quit smoking.

Me: 14 dark tales of domestic unrest!

Ben: 14 tales of nicotine withdrawl and sheer loneliness after that bitch done took my money and left with nary a word!

Me: How long until you get to INSOMNIA, based on the movie by Christopher Nolan?

Ben: Holy shit, is this really the book that inspired the movie?

Ben: Good thing I have also forgotten how that one ends.

Ben: All I remember is the part where Al Capone is chasing Robin Williams across some logs.

Something About Vampires

Me: Did you finish that book yet?

Ben: I finished the one story that you wanted me to read.

Ben: Something about vampires. 

Me: Is that your official review?  

Ben: Um, maybe?  

Me: What about the one about the guy pouring coins down a storm drain?  

Ben: It sort of felt entirely marginal.

Ben: I am not to that one yet!!   

Me: It's the story of how Roland's horse died.

Ben: The vampire one is, yes. 

Me: Yes. 

Ben: What are we discussing?

Me: And the only girl he ever loved after Susan.

Ben: Was that horse.

Me: I think it was a donkey.

Ben: I think you are a donkey.  

Me: :(  

Ben: Do you want some aloe vera

Catbus is Visibly Male

July 27

Ben: Overhead on the family tour bus: "the shawshank redemption, that was a true story, right?"

Me: Tell them that you're a fellow stephen king fan

Ben: They've probably inferred that from seeing my nose buried in EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL

July 29

Ben: Holy shit, a gripping stephen king story that didn't devolve into supernatural bullshit

Me: What are you talking about?

Me: Are you sure you're reading the right story

Ben: It was ALL THAT YOU LOVE WILL BE CARRIED AWAY, and as I told you I am reading the whole book unless I get tired of it

Me: You are becoming a true Constant Reader

The Wind Through the Keyhole

Ben: Finished dat book.

Ben: The Glass in the Rosehole. 

Me: Was it the missing link in your understanding of the Dartower mythos?  

Ben: Perhaps it will turn out to be. 

Ben: Or maybe I will be forced to reread it to glean the hidden significance.

Me: Let's have your Twitlonger review. 

Ben: I liked the creamy nougat of the book.

Ben: Stephen King missed his calling. 

Ben: He should have been an author. 

Ben: But instead he became a novelist. 

Me: Is the creamy nougat the part with the dark man and the talking tiger?  

Ben: It is the centermost narrative.

Me: It's been three years since I read the book so I'm a little rusty. 

Ben: It was a nice little fable thing. 

Ben: The framing narrative was utterly forgettable. 

Ben: The metaframing narrative was barely there but was okay. 

Me: You weren't dying to see Roland fight a werewolf? 

Ben: Nothing really happened. 

Ben: Honestly until you asked for my review I had forgotten that the book did not just end when Tim got home.

Me: The book had almost as many endings as Return of the King. 

Me: Do you have anything else to add or should we move on to your review of Batman: Return of the Darknight? 

Ben: Hold on I have not seen it yet!!! 

Ben: No spoilers.

Ben: Okay so what is next? 

Ben: Let's bust out the shoebox.

Ben: EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL. 

Me: Two stories in Everything's Eventual. First is the eponymous "Everything's Eventual."  

Me: Then "Little Sisters of Eluria."  

Me: Then I think the rest of the novels should be in the right order. 

Ben: God damn it. 

Me: Next is Insomnia, then DARTOWER 5. 

Ben: This will be the fourth Stephen King book in a row that is just a collection of short stories.

Ben: Where the FUCK is Father Callahan? 

Ben: After all this waiting this better be good. 

Me: He's still on that fucking bus, dude. 

Me: It's a long bus ride between worlds. 

Me: Do you even remember who Father Callahan is?  

Ben: He better come riding from the sky, swooping down from upon a Valkyrie with which he also having sex, while firing two semiautomatic silver pistols.

 Me: What if he shows up in Roland's world only to die immediately?  

Ben: You mean like he comes swooping down upon his Valkyrie and then upon hitting the ground he immediately has his dick bitten off by a lobster. 

Me: DID A CHICK.

 Ben: He gives Eddie a single high five and then falls dead. 

Ben: THEN HE RISES AS A VAMPIRE OH SHIT. 

Ben: I'm serious, if his cameo is as insubstantial as the Wickerclock Man you're not getting your books back. 

Ben: Salem's Lot was BOOK FUCKING TWO. 

Me: He actually travels back in time and is immediately shot to death by his own mother while she is pregnant with him. 

Ben: We are on EIGHT. 

Ben: Oh god damn it.

 Ben: Fuck you, Daniel Faraday. 

Me: But he was your favorite.

Me: I think. 

Ben: I've actually forgotten the specifics of how he died, other than "it was shitty." 

Ben: Not that I remember much at all from that year so 

Ben: not really surprising. 

Ben: Did you go see Darknight 2: Darknighter?  

Me: No. 

Me: Are you going to wait until the costume ban is lifted before you go see it?  

Me: You can't wear a costume to the theater because someone shot up a theater while not wearing a costume. 

Ben: But srsly, Officer, these are just my clothes. 

Ben: I live on the street, this Kermit the Frog outfit is all I have. 

Me: BRUCE WAYNE ARRESTED FOR WEARING COSTUME TO BATMAN PREMIERE 

Ben: "I'M HIS BIGGEST FAN" ~ BRUCE WAYNE  

Me: BRUCE WAYNE: SECRET COSPLAYER?  

Ben: CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED FOR WEARING BRUCE WAYNE COSTUME TO BATMAN PREMIERE "SERIOUSLY THIS IS JUST MY FACE PLEASE STOP CUTTING" ~ CHRISTIAN BALE  

Me: TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!!!  

Ben: Are the new Half in the Bags out yet? 

Me: The latest is one on Rise of the Dark Knight Surfer but i haven't watched it because of spoilers. 

Me: There are also ones for Spider-Man, Abaraham Lincolon Vampire Slayer, Prometheus, and Daniel Tosh. 

Ben: Holy shit. 

Ben: There are a lot of new ones. 

Ben: Wasn't the Red Tails one the last one we saw? 

Me: I think Avengers. 

Ben: Oh right we did not watch every single one. 

Me: No there are dozens. 

Me: Once History of Power Rangers is finished we can go back and watch them all. 

Ben: It's finished. 

Ben: And for the record Desmond was my favorite character.

The Social Man

Me: I've never eaten a gyro.

Ben: What the fuck.

Ben: Are you some kinda fuckin Neanderthal?

Ben: Sloped forehead and all.

Me: At least I've seen the Indiana Jones movies.

Ben: You've got me there.

Me: Did you finish that book yet?

Ben: 'Bout halfway done.

Ben: Amused that this is another book of short stories.

Ben: Even more amused that it is a story being told inside of a story being told.

Ben: Which itself is inside of a story being told since Stephen King is like the omnigod of this fictional universe or something.

Me: It's like those China dolls.

Ben: Um Russian dolls you fuck.

Ben: I am inside the innermost story.

Ben: So far it is more enjoyable than its parent.

Ben: More fantasy and fewer young girls having their limbs torn bodily from their body and then before they can bleed to death being split apart from head-to-bleeding-leg-stump as a result of being raped by a throbbing lycanthropic erection.

Me: Whaaat was that a thing that happened.

Ben: Quite possibly.

Ben: Perhaps I am embellishing.

Ben: But all the ingredients are there.

Me: Did dark man show up yet?

Ben: Is the dark man the skin man?

Me: No the tax collector.

Ben: Fuck.

Ben: You've ruined it.

Me: You asshole.

Me: How far are you?

Ben: The mom just remarried and the kid is working at the lumber mill.

Ben: Things are going okay.

Me: Not for long!

Ben: I sure hope not!

Ben: What a fucking boring story that would be.

Me: You know that Stephen loves punishing his characters.

Me: How was the STARKBLAST?

Ben: What are you even asking?

Me: I don't even know.

Me: Nothing has happened in the book so far for me to ask you about.

Ben: Is that an indictment of Dartower 4.5?

Ben: That halfway through the book there has yet to be anything worth talking about.

Me: No I liked it, it's just mostly uneventful for the main narrative.

Me: Once the kid leaves town it picks up.

Ben: kk

Me: kkk

Ben: Cut.

Ben: Print.

Ben: That's a wrap.

Ben: Wanna go out and get a gyro after this?

Me: Yeah sure-- [truck hit by rpg]

Ben: How thoughtful of Facebook chat to insert that notification.

Me: Mark Zuckerberg is using my own weapons against me.

Ben: brb suppressive fire

Me: TONY STARK BUILT THIS IN A CAVE.

Me: WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS.

Ben: What does Mark Zuckerberg have to do with this?

Me: He is the terrorists.

Ben: I think that you are conflating IRON MAN ONE and THE SOCIAL NETWORK.

Ben: THE SOCIAL MAN.

Me: Starring Robin Williams.

Ben: Strangely, despite top billing, nowhere in the film does Robin Williams make an appearance.

Ben: This was met with critical acclaim.

Ben: "At least it doesn't star Robin Williams." ~ Gene Roddenberry

Literotica

Ben: Here we go, STEPHEN KING, EPISODE IV 2: THE ROSE IN THE WINDHOLE

Me: Try to contain your ejaculation

Ben: It's too late for that. I'm not sure that you're going to want this book back

Me: Slide it right into that bookshelf... yeah that's right

Ben: It's too big. There's no way it's going to fit.

Me: I already took off the dust jacket!

Ben: Try turning it sideways

Me: Do you have any book lube?

Ben: No need, my bookshelf is self-lubricating

Me: Just be gentle with it. Its binding hasn't been broken.

Ben: Stop screwing around, hurry up and stick it in before my hardcover goes soft

Me: Will you be grossed out if the pages are uncut?

Ben: Not at all, but I won't abide recycled paper.

Me: How deep into the text are you?

Ben: The tip is breaching. We're takin it slow

Me: Don't be afraid to take control and plunge right in by force

Ben: College may have taught you how to analyze literature, but it failed to teach you how to show a book a good time. I, on the other hand, am a gentleman

Me: If you only take the text at face value you're not really reading it. You have to peel away the layers and penetrate the subtext, no matter how much the book screams or cries

Ben: I can't wait to read the comments on this blog post

Me: Did you come (to the end of the book) yet?

Ben: I can multiply ejaculate while maintaining an erection. The narrative arc has already reached its climax twice

Me: No one likes a showoff

Ben: My stamina is more epic than homer

Me: Too bad your charisma is so low it doesn't matter

The First Shoebox

Ben: Is that Dane Holdant?

Me: HE IS IN INDIA.

Ben: No I mean in the photo

Ben: with the horse mask

Ben: and the leather jacket and the snow.

Ben: Also wheretf have you been.

Ben: I finished HEARTS IN ATLANTIS 200 weeks ago

Me: JESUS.

Ben: and thereby the first shoebox.

Me: Stop programming computers 24/7

Ben: We have crossed into Midworld.

Ben: Literally.

Me: I need to know this stuff.

Ben: Dude I am always on.

Ben: You're the elusive one.

Me: NO.

Me: You're being digested by your cubicle.

Ben: Yes!!!!

Ben: It's like a slime creature.

Ben: Nom nom nom.

Me: Or a plastic inflatable chair.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: gotta do a fuckin

Ben: book review.

Me: Yeah bitch.

Ben: Once again I don't even know where to start.

Ben: The text is but a dim memory.

Ben: A faded recollection of a bygone era.

Me: This is the culmination of everything we've ever worked toward.

Me: Why else would you keep reading these shit books?

Ben: Hahaha.

Ben: But you love this series!!

Me: I did two years ago.

Ben: I think you've lost sight of our mission statement.

Me: Or to put it in perspective

Ben: Maybe you should reread shoebox 1 and then tell me your impressions.

Me: four episodes of History of Power Rangers ago.

Ben: Did Linkara just die?

Ben: *fingers crossed*

Me: We can ditch this blog and pick up the torch from him.

Ben: We know there's an eager audience out there.

Me: Not sure how much I remember about deconstructing literary themes and motifs.

Ben: We'll interleave updates between this blog and the series.

Ben: That's called cross-promotion.

Me: Fuck fuck science vs. magic fuck fuck fuckery.

Ben: Don't forget to have a strong opinion on trivialities.

Me: DURR WHY THERE ARE RAINBOW SPARKS WHEN THEY GET HIT WITH PLASTIC SWORDS

Ben: Man I hope Linkara doesn't read this blog or it will really hurt his feelings.

Me: LOL MORPHING GRID LOL

Me: Fuck him.

Me: He didn't consider our feelings when he reviewed Power Rangers for 25 hours.

Ben: In our defense we didn't consider our feelings when we watched him review Power Rangers for 25 hours.

Ben: But we are getting away from ourselves.

Me: For a minute there

Me: I lost myself

Me: ~ Thom Oche

Ben: Simmer down.

Ben: Haha what.

Me: Radiohead?

Me: Jesus, Ben, you need to learn your fucking music.

Ben: Stop this.

Ben: We're here to discuss literature.

Ben: Anyway.

Me: Speaking of which, have you seen THE HUNGER GAMES?

Ben: I hear it is like that manga that you showed me and I tried to read it but half the pages were missing.

Ben: Why, have you seen it?

Me: Yes if you are a shut-in who thinks people will be impressed that you've watched an edgy foreign film.

Ben: Is it seeworthy?

Me: REDLETTERMEDIA, creators of the Mr. Plunkett Star Wars/Baby's Day Out reviews, gave it their stamp of approval.

Ben: Haha.

Ben: Oh man is there a new Baby's Day Out review??

Me: NO but late last year they reviewed Indiana Jones 4: Rise of the Kingdom of the Dark Side of the Crystal Moon.

Me: Their latest installment in the ongoing saga.

Me: Speaking of sagas, have you finished torrenting MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC yet?

Ben: I would watch that movie.

Ben: Did you hear that they are rebooting Transformers?

Ben: Honestly I think I'd rather watch the complete series of My Little Pony than the complete and uncut collection of Dr. Who episodes featuring the Master.

Me: I'm not interested unless they get Nelson Shin to direct.

Me: He did it first, he did it best.

Me: Mad respec.

Ben: And Phil Grce to produce.

Ben: I mean wait.

Me: Yeah he could use a hit since BEATING SUSAN was canceled.

Ben: To production set manage.

Ben: ANYWAY HEARTS IN ATLANTIS WAS PRETTY OKAY BUT REALLY WEIRD.

Ben: [end blog post]

Ben: A fitting end to the first half of our journey.

Ben: It is like you and I are both Bilbo Baggins and Rudolph Deschain is Gandalf.

Ben: I honestly cannot rember his name.

Ben: Randall.

Ben: Randall Munroe.

Ben: Roland!

Ben: That's it.

Ben: "Normal is nothing but a word made up by society."

Ben: I wonder if that is just the default template for all word-usage demonstrations.

Me: God gave the gift of English to the Native Americans in the Book of Mormon.

Me: Perhaps you've heard of the Tower of Babel?

Me: It's where the ghosts of all dead Pokemon reside.

Me: Speaking of Pokemon, give me an in-depth critique of each section in Hearts in Atlantis.

Ben: Why yes, urbandictionary, I do want to buy a coffee mug with the word "normal" printed on the side.

Ben: The Tower of Babel is in Utah, I hear.

Ben: No I think you are confusing Salt Lake City with Lavender Town.

Ben: Okay well

Ben: I think after reading this book I am finally jaded.

Ben: I no longer possess the innocence to even begin to suspect that a Stephen King book will not prominently feature supernatural bullshit.

Me: There is none in Cujo.

Me: Which is actually a really good book.

Me: You should read that instead.

Ben: Does the dog fall into Roland's world?

Ben: Does it tear Susan apart

Ben: while Roland watches on in horror?

Ben: Anyway

Ben: coming in, I really expected this to just be a heartfelt story of like lost youth as seen through the lens of the Vietnam generation.

Ben: Which I guess is sort of what we got?

Ben: But it seems clear that this novel was primarily intended to be a pit stop for the Dark Tower

Ben: and he just sort of kept running with it.

Me: A pit stop in what way?

Ben: I would have felt less lied-to if they had just said somewhere on the cover THIS IS A SIDE STORY TO THE DARK TOWER.

Ben: I feel like Stephen King can't decide whether he wants the Dark Tower to be a superset of all his other works, or vice versa.

Ben: But anyway

Ben: it was sort of a sweet story.

Ben: Not in a bro way.

Ben: In a sentimental way.

Ben: But the real meat of the story was all in the first half of the book, when they're all kids.

Ben: He tries to sort of weave all these other stories together and it doesn't really work.

Ben: I don't really care about the main character in the college section

Ben: who we never hear of again.

Me: But he dated the girl from the first book, maybe.

Me: I don't remember.

Me: They were all connected.

Ben: Nor do I really care about the dude who is homeless for a living even if it was sort of interesting.

Ben: They all have really tangential things tying them together.

Ben: It seemed like he just had a bunch of ideas for a short story and found an excuse to tack them onto a Dark Tower storyline that was half a book too short.

Me: Even Stephen King's omnipresent villain The Walken Dude showed up.

Ben: Don't think that ever happened.

Me: In the last book the girl who became a terrorist says her mentor was Robert Frost or something.

Me: Initials RF

Ben: Oh ha.

Me: which is the trademark of Randall Munroe.

Me: And he taught her the magic of becoming "dim."

Ben: He also taught that to Larry from THE STAND.

Me: Yeah.

Me: And his name was Walter O'Dim.

Me: Waaaaaaayyyyy back in the first book.

Ben: You gotta shine your shine onto their dimness.

Ben: That's how you smoke out the evil.

Ben: Wait seriously.

Me: Yes, when Roland was chasing him across the desert.

Me: The man in black fled across the desert, etc.

Me: He was going by Walter O'Dim.

Me: He has a different name in every book basically.

Ben: Wasn't Walter the name of the dog from LOST?

Ben: Oh my god.

Ben: Connections everywhere.

Me: You fucking racist.

Ben: Oh oops.

Ben: But!

Ben: He had a dog.

Ben: A dog named

Ben: Ana Lucia.

Me: You fucking misogynist.

Ben: Am I warm?

Ben: Getting warmer?

Me: I don't remember the dog's name.

Ben: (It was Vincent.)

Ben: Dude.

Ben: He is the most important character on the show.

Me: The whole show is seen through his eyes.

Ben: The first and last thing you ever see.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: the historical perspective of the college section was pretty neat but I didn't really care about the characters or their doings.

Ben: Also my first clue that this book is just a series of short stories that King had lying around is that this is the only one of the five sub-books written in the first person.

Ben: Also let's back up a sec.

Ben: Wtf.

Ben: This man/boy love thing

Ben: is really getting pretty creepy.

Ben: I can't even take a step in here without putting my foot down into some hardcore man/boy affection.

Ben: The pervasiveness of this trope in Stephen's works is really starting to get to me.

Ben: Tell me right now

Ben: do any of the non-Dartower books in shoebox 2 feature man/boy love?

Me: Well the main bad guy in Black House is a pedophile.

Ben: Well that's okay.

Ben: We're talking more a curiously platonic sort that would never ever be tolerated in normal society.

Ben: Even less so than pedophilia.

Me: What non-DT books do you have left?

Ben: No idea, I don't have shoebox 2!!!

Ben: You should be the next big Star Wars EU writer and tell the thrilling tales of Brawbwa Brengle.

Ben: I can't even type that name with a straight face.

Me: RIP, Brabwa.

Ben: "WHAT'S SO FUNNY."

Me: I went to a presentation and the guy said more Ithorians are named Brabwa than there are people who believe in gravity, therefore evolution is a fact.

Ben: I wish I didn't have to believe in gravity.

Me: :-(

Ben: Anywayx100

Ben: this fucking book.

Ben: Um.

Ben: The section with the guy who was a professional secret hobo was bizarre but not altogether uninteresting.

Ben: The next section with the old version of the childhood friend wasn't bad.

Me: Was it just those four sections?

Ben: There was one more.

Ben: Where old married main character from the first subbook meets up with Carol again after like 80 years

Me: And shit fell out of the sky.

Me: What was that about?

Ben: for like an hour, I guess

Ben: and they sort of reminisce and wax nostalgic.

Ben: The shit out of the sky was pretty cool I guess.

Ben: Not a bad way to climax.

Ben: I did like the part where he found the mitt and stuffed his face in it and smelled his childhood and then died.

Ben: And the final subbook was a little bit touching

Ben: even if it's also really fucking sad that their lives have come to nothing.

Me: But they found each other again.

Me: After he beat up that kid with a baseball bat and turned to a life of crime.

Me: And she became a terrorist or something and was horribly burned.

Ben: Except they both have lives so as soon as that song is done playing on the radio they have to give it all up again.

Ben: No thanks to Robert Frost.

Me: Yeah fuck that guy.

Me: Did he finish raising that stone-age civilization into an army yet?

Ben: Anyway

Ben: the ending wasn't terrible.

Ben: It had a semblance of genuine emotion so Stephen King gets a pat on the head.

Ben: Much better than THE STAND.

Me: But genuine emotion is secondary to our central narrative of a time-traveling cowboy from an alternate dimension on a quest to save the universe by shooting robots and monsters in the face.

Me: So to that end, did you come away with a deeper understanding of the nature of the Bulldozer King and his army of Men in Yellow Coats?

Me: Because they are like the primary foot soldier for the rest of the series.

Ben: Haha.

Ben: Well I mean

Ben: the yellow coats thing is sort of weird.

Ben: I guess it is to match the color of his bulldozer.

Me: Mike Mulligan's Bulldozer.

Ben: I get it, because yellow is the opposite color of purple.

Ben: It is like a deconstruction of notions of royalty

Ben: and the associated symbolisms.

Ben: I mean I sure hope they explain what is happening with Breakers and shit.

Ben: Also

Ben: where the FUCK is Father Callahan?

Me: He's still on that bus.

Ben: Jesus Christ.

Me: How many stars?

Ben: 6.5/10.

Me: Where does it fit into the Stephen King Quality Ranking?

Ben: Pull up the ranking matrix.

Me: 1) The middle 80% of book 4 and the last third of book 3

2) The first half of book 2

3) Book 1

4) Everything else

Ben: 3.1.

Me: Dammit, Ben!

Ben: What did you expect?

Me: More than this.

Ben: [end blog post]