* All right, let's see what this crap is all about.
* "A hundred years before the rise of the Empire..." omg spoilers!!!!
* PLANET UEDA
* Lady assassin walks into a bar/restaurant which is of course populated completely by brand new aliens with none of the classic species from the original/good movies.
* Jedi Master Trinity is sitting in the corner waiting for her lunch. Lady approaches and says "Attack me!" Trinity is like nah so Lady starts beating up everyone in the bar.
* Trinity and Lady throw hands. Eventually Lady pulls a knife but can't land a hit because Trinity keeps TKing her away. Trinity pulls down Lady's mask and is like "You!" Lady says "I'm here to kill you!" which already seemed obvious.
* Lady throws a knife at the alien barkeeper. Trinity catches it with the Force but it was just a distraction because Lady palms a second knife and throws it straight into Trinity's heart!!! Neo is going to be pissed!
* So am I tbh, they just killed their main star power five minutes into the first episode. Laaaaaame.
* God damn it, apparently this fucking murderer is our main character because we cut to her waking up aboard a spaceship that looks comically similar to the defunct Star Wars hotel and bantering with her cute droid companion.
* I guess this is a Trade Federation ship and Lady is a mechanic employed by the Neimoidians. While she's doing repairs on the hull of the ship, something explodes and a small fire starts on the hull. This causes Lady to have a PTSD flashback about her mother dying or something, but she snaps out of it and extinguishes the flames.
* People on the Internet were very upset about this five-second scene because of course fire can't burn in the vacuum of space, especially when it just looks and behaves like a small campfire. I don't give a shit about that because Star Wars is a fantasy universe that has never adhered to the real-world physics of outer space.
* Two Jedi arrive on the ship looking for Lady, who they say is a former Jedi. They are a guy with an absurd haircut and his Padawan, some kind of bat person. We find out that Lady's name is the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
* The Neimoidians play dumb but Haircut raises a hand toward one of them, prompting the other to immediately roll over and give up Osha. I saw people complaining about how wantonly the Jedi in this show used the Force to get their way. Apparently they were talking about this scene? But it wasn't clear to me that Haircut even used the Force, because the guy he gestured toward wasn't the one who gave up the information. I thought he was just trying to intimidate the Neimoidians by invoking the threat of using the Force to get what he wanted.
* Haircut and Osha are old friends, but the Jedi aren't here to play. Batgirl starts asking her a bunch of interview questions, one of which is how old she was when she joined the Jedi. She says that she was eight.
* This is something else I saw people complaining about, because in The Phantom Menace Anakin was nine and it was a big thing about how he was too old to be trained. But then in the next sentence Batgirl immediately says that her age was a major concern, and Osha says that the Jedi Council found her circumstances unique. Can we like wait and see what those circumstances were before we complain or
* Real quote from Star Wars: The Acolyte, streaming now on Disney+: "You lost your entire family. Your mothers, your sister, your village, all died in the fire. Even your mothers. Both of them. Both mothers."
* They confront her about the death of Trinity. The bartender comes in and goes "That's her! She killed the Jedi and wrecked my bar!" Osha asks Haircut how he can believe this of her. "It doesn't matter what I think," he says, and arrests her.
* Oh so it was like her twin sister or something, okay got it.
* As Osha gets taken away to space jail, we cut to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.
* Some kids and a baby orangutan are meditating.
* Green Lady interrupts the lesson to tell Asian Jedi From Squid Game that his old Padawan, Osha Antiseptic, was the one who murdered Trinity. "The evidence against her is strong," says Green Lady. "Some weird alien says he saw her do it, that's all a jury needs to convict."
* Aboard the prison ship taking Osha to Coruscant, the other prisoners carry out a jailbreak by... magically hacking the droid pilots, I guess? Osha tells them she wants no part of their plan, then acts all betrayed when they escape and leave her behind.
* But for some reason her little droid is in a cupboard on the ship (maybe he got arrested too?) and when the ship starts crashing he falls onto the floor and she uses him to escape her cell.
* The ship falls from orbit and crashes on some planet but remains mostly intact. Osha was wearing a seatbelt so she's completely fine. There's an OSHA joke there somewhere but whatever.
* Back on Coruscant, Squid Game is jerking it to Osha's Facebook profile picture. He gets called down to what is apparently the Jedi Temple jail, where the escapees from the prison ship are being held. Green Lady informs him that the ship went down over the planet Carlac.
* Where the hell is that? The prisoners used the ship's escape pods over the same planet. In the original Star Wars when the droids use an escape pod over Tatooine they land on Tatooine. How did these guys get to Coruscant?
* Green Lady says that the Republic sent probe droids to search for life on Carlac. How much time has passed??
* One of the prisoners says that Osha helped him and he betrayed her by taking the last escape pod and leaving her to die. Green Lady insists that despite this she's still an evil murderer.
* Squid Game wants to go look for her himself. Green Lady says no. Squid Game says come on. Green Lady says okay.
* Then Osha wakes up on the planet. Has she been asleep for a week? Who edited this?
* A ghost from a Japanese horror movie wanders outside through a big hole in the ship and Osha follows it into the frozen wastes.
* Squid Game and his new Padawan, a human girl wearing Halloween face paint, walk in on Haircut with his shirt off. I guess he's a heartthrob? Idk his ridiculous hairstyle is throwing me. They all board a ship together and take off for the ancient and famous planet of Carcosa.
* Meanwhile Osha catches up to the ghost and it's her twin sister Mae! But like a younger version of her sister. Initially I thought she was, like, only slightly younger, like a teenager, not like a dead eight-year-old, but I guess it really is supposed to be her as a little kid.
* Younger Ghost Mae says she killed Trinity and she "will kill them all" as her eyes fill with black CGI.
* Osha wakes up. It was all a dream!
* Squid Game delivers important exposition. Sixteen years ago on the planet Brendok, Osha's crazy twin sister started a fire that killed their entire family.
* Haircut and the Padawan are like "Whoa, that's super suspicious. Maybe this secret evil twin that isn't in the official Jedi dossier was the one who killed Trinity." But Squid Game is like "Nah, couldn't be" so they drop it.
* Hey, idiots, you accidentally solved this whole mystery plot halfway through the first episode! The suspense is over!
* Osha sees the Jedi's ship arriving on Carracosta and makes a run for it. The Jedi survey the crash, which Osha made it through without a scratch, and Haircut confidently decides "No one could have survived this."
* Squid Game is like "follow me!" and they all run into a cave and find Osha standing at the edge of an ice cliff. "Stop in the name of the law!" orders Haircut. Does he think she's going to like fly away or...?
* Osha falls to her doom but Squid Game TKs her back to safety. "Mae is alive," says Osha. "I believe you," says Squid Game. The other Padawan is like "what the hell, man."
* Elsewhere, a Sith Lord in a black helmet delivers some portentous dialogue about the death of the Jedi dream to Osha's sister.
* TO BE CONTINUED
* I can't say I particularly care about anything that's happening in this show but in terms of the direct-to-Disney+ Star Wars shows that I have seen I guess this is one of the better ones. Some goofy moments but nothing that made me want to slit my wrists. The highest praise I've given to any Star Wars product in almost a decade!
* I give it a 6/10.
* RIP Jedi Master Carrie-Anne Moss
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