* This episode is 26 minutes long. Is this show a sitcom now?
* The Jedi Kelnacca trudges alone through the jungles of Kohofar, wearing his Jedi robe with the hood up and looking suitably comical.
* He's making like a salad or something and drawn on the wall of his little house is the concentric circles marking from Mae's head.
* I guess the whole Squid Gang just gave up on the hunt for Mae and her master and headed back to Coruscant. Jecki, the little girl with the Halloween makeup, is doing her Jedi exercises and Mae comes to tell her she's leaving forever.
* Meanwhile Mae and Qimir Rouge arrive on Khofar. For some reason Mae's hair has like tripled in length with no explanation. I guess it was always that long, maybe?
* Qimir tells her that even though she's learned her sister is alive, she still has to kill Kelnacca, because she promised Darth Xenomorph and lying is wrong.
* A group of Jedi Masters, presumably, is discussing recent events. For some reason, one of them is Ki-Adi-Mundi, nobody's favorite background character from the prequels. He's the one whose head looks like a giant phallus.
* One of the Jedi has the throwaway line "Could this be a splinter order?" which no one directly acknowledges. I assume this was written in to handwave away Ki-Adi-Mundi's line in The Phantom Menace "The Sith have been extinct for a millennium!" Oh he doesn't remember the time several Jedi got killed by the Sith a mere 100 years before that because someone briefly floated the possibility that it was the work of a "splinter order."
* If that's the case they could just not have put him in the show. In the old Expanded Universe continuity he wasn't even born until 40 years after The Acolyte takes place. I guess now his species can live for centuries. Unfortunately, the older they get the more flaccid their heads become.
* But seriously though, dialogue like this drives me crazy, not just in Star Wars but in anything. "Could this be a splinter order?" What is that? How does such a thing come to be? Has it happened before? Are there any known ones currently active? Why is that more likely than it being some other Force-using organization unrelated to the Jedi, like the witches we saw in the last episode or, say, the Sith?
* This episode is the length of a Saturday-morning cartoon, I think they could have easily padded the runtime a little by having the characters present in this scene discuss any of these questions for the audience's benefit. But instead they just ignore it and move on. Whoever wrote this episode wasn't interested in expanding the universe in this way I guess, just in covering their tracks with as little effort as possible.
* People are actually really pissed about Ki-Adi-Mundi being in this episode for some reason. As soon as they saw him they all raced to Wookieepedia and saw that the Episode I Insider's Guide revealed that Ol' Dickhead was 60 years old during The Phantom Menace. Even though this invaluable lore was thrown in the fucking trash along with everything else from the Expanded Universe over a decade ago, people are pretending to believe that this super-obscure CD-ROM from 1999 must still be canon under the Disney regime and The Acolyte has obliterated Star Wars continuity once again.
* Ki-Adi-Mundi wants to tell the Jedi Council what's going on but Green Lady shuts him down and says they'll handle this on the DL.
* If she's not on the council why does she have authority over all these other Jedi Masters? It's not like they're off on their own outpost somewhere; this is the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.
* Osha is about to catch a space train to nowhere when Squid Game runs up and asks her to help him catch her evil sister. Osha doesn't want to but Squid Game says there is still good in her.
* Osha relents but refuses to wear a "civilian robe." It then hard cuts to her sitting on the Jedi ship with an irritated expression, wearing what I assume is a "civilian robe." This would have been funnier if I knew in advance what a "civilian robe" was.
* There's a little space otter alien on the Jedi ship and Osha whispers to Jecki, "Is he, or they, with us?"
* LOL but why wouldn't she say "he or she"?
* They land on Khofar, where Osha is still toting the blaster Squid Game gave her on [other planet]. Haircut says it's the property of the Jedi Order and demands it back, but Osha ignores him and he just forgets about it I guess.
* The otter picks up Kelnacca's scent and they follow him off into the wilderness. While they travel, Osha asks Haircut to kill Mae if it turns out she can't be redeemed. She says she can't hesitate a second time, so apparently she missed by accident when she was shooting at her in episode two. That wasn't clear in the episode, it kind of looked like she moved the gun to miss on purpose. But apparently not.
* "Keep up the pace, keep down the volume," says Squid Game, which doesn't sound like something he would say.
* Then they get attacked by giant cicadas.
* "It'll be dark soon," says Squid Game. "There is no way out. It'll be dark soon."
* Osha reveals that she left the Jedi because she could never accept the death of her family like a true Jedi should.
* Mae whines to Qimir Rouge that her master wants her to kill a Jedi without using a weapon but it's impossible, and he'll kill her if she doesn't do it. Oh I feel so bad for her.
* Qimir seems to know an awful fucking lot about how her anonymous master thinks and what he wants of her. HMMMM, kinda sus ngl.
* He goes to get her some water and when he comes back Mae catches him in a snare, whereupon she tells him she quits being evil. Osha being alive changes everything and she's going to go turn herself over to the Jedi.
* Did she really sell her soul and become a murderer just because she thought her sister was dead? Her dead parents and coven and destroyed village and losing everything had nothing to do with it? The last thing she said to Osha before setting their stone castle on fire was that she was going to kill her! Kids will be kids I suppose.
* Meanwhile, the space otter has disappeared and the Jedi are wandering around the woods blindly. Hey why don't you use the Force.
* Mae is running up to Kelnacca's house when the otter sees her. He screeches an alarm, causing the Jedi to come running. Mae goes into the house and finds Kelnacca dead on his toilet, just like Elvis.
* What the hell, man! Who introduces a Wookiee Jedi then kills him off-screen without doing anything? He and Trinity deserved better than this garbage.
* Mae realizes that her master was already here and kelled Kilnacca, which means he either somehow teleported ahead of her to get there first after she betrayed him, or he already did it a while ago and she was on a wild bantha chase the whole time. I'm not sure which is stupider.
* The Jedi assemble outside Kelnacca's house. There is Squid Game, Haircut, Jecki, Osha, and five expendable redshirts.
* "In the name of the Galactic Republic, and the Order of the Jedi, anyone inside that domicile should come out with your hands where we can see them!" one of the Jedi demands. So they really are just space cops after all.
* While the Jedi stand around outside the hut waiting for a response, Darth The-Smile-Demon-From-The-Movie-Smile just fucking silently glides down out of the jungle behind Osha like a goddamn Dementor.
* Squid Game screams for Osha to run as the Jedi ignite their lightsabers and charge. Smylo Ren nonchalantly TKs Osha out of his way and sends all eight Jedi flying with a blast of the Force.
* This last minute or so was actually kind of cool and creepy and against my better judgment I found myself getting geared up for the battle to come. So naturally the episode ended right here.
* Cliffhangers are one thing but this was shorter than an episode of The Honeymooners. Kelnacca died off-screen and Mae randomly decided to stop being evil for no reason after a lifetime of homicidal psychopathy, now you have to wait another week to get to the ball-numbing, mindless action that the fanboys crave.
* Ralph Kramden would never have wasted my time like this.
* 5/10. I'd rate it lower but nothing that bad really happened, because nothing happened at all.
* Except of course for Ki-Adi-Mundi cracking open Star Wars lore like an egg and smearing its runny yolk all over Amandla Stenberg's monogrammed jeans.
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