* The episode begins with Osha regaining consciousness on the forest floor, and I swear to God I thought they were just jumping ahead and skipping over the lightsaber fight entirely. They only have a $180 million budget, after all.
* But no, the battle between the Jedi and Darth Teeth is still going on in the distance.
* Osha crawls out of the underbrush and finds herself face to face with the corpse of one of the Jedi redshirts. A hundred or so yards away, she can see the Sith Lord Who Laughs effortlessly dispatching the rest of the team. Two of the Jedi land blows on his armor, which has no effect on him but causes their lightsabers to short out, so he must be wearing cortosis! Instead of helping their allies by switching to Force-based attacks, the Jedi just look at each other in confusion and stand around uselessly until their blades come back on.
* Darth Zippermouth impales one Jedi with his lightsaber, then I think he uses the Force to telekinetically yank a second Jedi onto the length of blade sticking out of the first one's back. Badass finishing move but it happens so quickly it's hard to tell.
* In a matter of seconds, all the Jedi have been killed except Haircut, who's lying wounded on the ground. Where the hell are Squid Game and Jecki?
* Osha fires a stun blast directly into Smylo Ren's head but it has no effect on him. Haircut yells for her to run as Smylo gives chase without finishing him off for some reason.
* Osha books it through the forest but Smylo Ren telekinetically hurls his lightsaber after her. At the last moment, Squid Game jumps out of the trees and deflects the blade back at him. He pushes Osha toward Haircut, who also got there already somehow despite his injury, and orders them back to the ship while he faces down Smylo Ren.
* Oh good the little otter is there and he meets up with them on the way back to the ship.
* "You don't remember me?" asks Smylo Ren. Squid Game observes that he carries a Jedi weapon despite not being a Jedi. Did the Sith not use lightsabers when the Jedi fought them before?
* The Expanded Universe took its cue from the Emperor calling lightsabers a Jedi weapon in Return of the Jedi and showed the ancient Sith using alchemically enhanced metal swords. Then after the prequels came out and had all the Sith just using regular lightsabers, the EU kind of forgot about that. It would be cool if Disney Star Wars Canon is going back to that original idea.
* Well not cool for me because I won't be reading any of that crap anyway, but still.
* MEANWHILE, Mae runs out of Kelnacca's hut only to get tackled by Jecki, who pronounces her under arrest. So where was she while all the redshirts were being slaughtered? Anyway, they get into a catfight.
* Squid Game demands to see Smylo Ren's face, but Smylo says this would let Squid Game read his thoughts. I guess he's wearing Magneto's helmet.
* Osha and Haircut hear Jecki screaming and Osha wants to go back for her because of sapphic reasons but Haircut is like "lol no way we need get the eff out of here." He says that Smylo Ren "gets inside your head and stays there" and Osha says that she saw her mother do that once, presumably referring to when Master Torbin's eyes turned to tar. I guess they didn't show that part of the fight.
* Jecki finally gets the handcuffs on Mae but Smylo Ren suddenly comes running out of the trees. Jecki dual-wields her lightsaber and Kelnacca's against him and is apparently able to hold him off because she's a main character. While they're both distracted Mae escapes.
* Smylo Ren cuts one of Jecki's sabers in half then disappears. As Jecki looks at the severed hilt you can tell how weirdly thick the lightsaber props are on this show. I wonder if this was a stylistic choice to show a difference in technology between the High Republic era and the movies, or if they just didn't know how to make the props.
* Brazil the space otter has disappeared AGAIN so Haircut and Osha are left trying to find their way back to the ship. Haircut has his lightsaber out as a flashlight but Osha tells him to put it away because they're back in the area where they were attacked by space moths. She reminds Haircut that moths are attracted to light but he has no idea what she's talking about. Dude were you not right there when it happened last episode?
* Smylo Ren calls Mae a traitor and goes to strike her down but Squid Game and Jecki intervene and double-team him. Osha senses the child-ghost of her not-dead sister calling her through the Force and turns on her flashlight to lead the ultramoths back to the battle.
* Squid Game's lightsaber shorts out from the Sith's cortosis armor, leaving Jecki to fight him alone. She smashes the butt of her lightsaber into his helmet multiple times, causing it to fall open, finally revealing the true identity of Darth Teefs: it's Qimir Rouge! Just like everyone suspected.
* Pissed that he's been exposed to Professor X's telepathy, Qimir retaliates by splitting his lightsaber into two lightsabers and violently stabbing poor little Jecki three times through the chest. Given her evaporated heart and lungs it seems like she would have died instantly, but this is Disney Star Wars so I'm sure she's fine.
 |
| It's just a flesh wound. |
* "She was a child!" cries Squid Game. "You brought her here," Qimir points out. Which, fair.
* Qimir TKs Mae over to him and holds his lightsaber emitter to her head, forcing Squid Game to throw down his weapon. Squid Game asks what he is and Qimir says he has no name, so I'm going to start calling him Jianyu. Jianyu then casually admits that the Jedi would call him a Sith.
* Lmao okay, to be fair, I was expecting the show to resort to some kind of cop-out where the evil Force-user dressed in black robes, wearing a scary helmet, wielding a red lightsaber, and bearing a grudge against the Jedi was actually not a Sith Lord by virtue of some technicality, allowing the real Sith to remain hidden until Palpatine's titular revenge. But I guess they just said fuck it, there's a Sith openly fighting Jedi 100+ years too early. You know what, good for them. Oh heaven forbid they violate the sacrosanct text of the Star Wars prequels!
* Jianyu tells Squid Game that all he wants is the freedom to openly use his power however he desires, but the Jedi cannot suffer a Sith to live, so now that they've seen his face they all have to die.
* He starts with Haircut, who comes running out of the forest and TKs Jianyu's cortosis mask into his hand, which he then uses to short out Jianyu's own lightsaber blade, the first clever thing he's done on this show. So Jianyu then puts him in a headlock and physically snaps his neck.
* Mae tries to run off and save her own skin again but Osha stuns her with the blaster and she goes down. Osha looks with shock upon the dead body of Jorg "Rooster Haircut" Fandar, her erstwhile friend who spent months getting ripped for that five-second scene where he had his shirt off.
* Squid Game and Jianyu get into a punching contest. Squid Game beats the shit out of him before finally turning his lightsaber back on and is about to cut the Sith Lord's head off but stupid Osha stops him. "But the dark siiiiiiiiide," she whines. Bitch you're not even a Jedi, what the hell do you care about the dark side?? Let Squid Game kill this guy who tried to kill your sister and just murdered two of your friends!
* But like a true American alpha male, Squid Game pushes his feelings deep down inside him. "Jedi do not attack an unarmed foe," he intones.
* Well actually I think he's also trying to trick Jianyu because he's wise to Osha's plan to summon the moths, so he just waits passively as Jianyu draws his lightsaber to strike him down. If I was writing this show I would have just had the moths attack him right then but apparently Osha isn't satisfied with Jianyu's current illumination (maybe she's afraid he'll just turn the lightsaber off?) so she activates a light on her little pocket droid and sticks it onto Jianyu's back.
* "I love you, Pip," she tells the droid as she abandons it to its fate. To be fair the thing has been a constant presence throughout the show but it's also been so inconsequential and without personality or agency that there's no emotional resonance whatsoever to this "sacrifice."
* Anyway the moths descend on Jianyu and fly away with him as he strikes at them with his lightsaber. Are they like predators? Real moths are attracted to light but they don't try to like eat it or whatever. Also Jianyu is just temporarily inconvenienced and will clearly return later. Shoulda let Squid Game cut his head off!
* Instead of getting the fuck off this planet before Jianyu returns, Osha decides now is a good time for Twenty Questions and asks Squid Game why Jianyu said she shouldn't trust him. "What did you do?" she demands. Squid Game says that he'll explain everything, then Mae shoots him with a stun beam.
* Wow how annoying!
* Osha bitches at her sister for being a psycho narcissistic murderer and getting all these people killed. "The Jedi were more my family than you ever were!" Mae claims that Osha has been brainwashed by the Jedi colonizers. Osha tries to arrest her but Mae Force-pushes her into a rock, knocking her out.
* Mae picks up one of the many discarded lightsabers lying around and uses it to cut off the longer section of her hair so she and Osha now have the same identical haircut.
* I swear to God, if she impersonates Osha and the Jedi can't tell it's her just because she looks the same I am going to be so fucking pissed.
* Even as I was writing that sentence, "Osha" who is clearly Mae wearing Osha's stupid civilian robe woke up Squid Game and was like "Mae's gone, let's get out of here" and Squid Game FELL FOR IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT USE THE FORCE!!!!
* Hey but at least Brazil found Osha's lame little droid!
* On the bright side, Mae doing the old clothing switcheroo means Osha should be running around in her underwear oh but never mind apparently she was wearing a tank top and full pair of pants under her sweltering hot full-body robes while running around in the humid jungle.
* Yeah yeah yeah "male gaze" whatever but god damn, this show was made by a lesbian and we STILL can't have an attractive woman take her clothes off.
* What the hell is wrong with America?
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