Still Standing

Me: WELL

Ben: 102 pages.

Ben: There's just too much.

Ben: There's no way I can even offer any sort of meaningful critique.

Ben: THE STAND is THE STAND.

Me: You must tell me everything.

Ben: You'll have to wait for me to go back to school for my English degree so I can write my second comp on it.

Me: What is even happening now?

Ben: Uh.

Ben: House exploded.

Ben: Old lady came back, died.

Ben: With a disappointing amount of fanfare or poignancy.

Ben: Giggle Bitch is a woman.

Me: Did they make their STAND against evil yet?

Ben: Fuck no.

Ben: It's only been 900 fucking pages.

Ben: I've only just gotten to the second chapter of book III (THE STAND).

Ben: Really wondering now how he's going to cram all that much standing into these last 100 pages.

Me: I will name a character and you say what has happened to them since last we talked.

Me: That fat kid.

Ben: Who?

Me: The fat kid

Me: who was always eating some stupid candy.

Ben: You mean Harold Lauder?

Me: Sure.

Ben: Yeah he's the only genuinely interesting character in the book at this point.

Me: Hahahaha.

Ben: Well wait.

Ben: Maybe Larry.

Me: Who?

Ben: Fuckin' singer dude.

Ben: But he needs to actually do something.

Ben: At this point our main characters are reduced to GLEN BATEMAN, adventurer sociologist, STU REDMAN a.k.a. EAST TEXAS a.k.a. LEADER OF THE CREW, RALPH (expendable), and LARRY (???).

Me: Who the fuck is Ralph?

Me: Was he a mechanic?

Ben: He's the guy who I'm putting good odds on being the one who is supposed to die on the way to Vegas, as foretold cryptically by the dying old woman.

Ben: Because "WHO?" is the correct response.

Me: What about the blind/deaf guy?

Ben: Fuckin' exploded.

Ben: In some kinda heroic sacrifice that accomplished nothing.

Ben: Shielded the rest of the crew from the explosion with the rapidly disintegrating remains of his corpse

Ben: to no effect.

Me: Hahahahaha.

Me: That's right.

Me: Then the old black lady was like "I thought he was going to be important but he wasn't."

Me: So East Texas had to step up and be the hero.

Ben: Yeah it's a shame because Nick (deaf dumb blind guy) was also the only other genuinely interesting character.

Ben: Then I guess Stephen just got tired of him.

Me: What about Trashcan Man?

Ben: Oh right Trash.

Ben: Trash is cool.

Ben: Doesn't get enough screen time.

Ben: Hope he meets up with Roland.

Ben: Wildly speculating at how this will relate to our quest for the Dartower.

Ben: THE JUDGE mentioned KA in his inner monologue as he attempted to trap the Walkin Dude's KA in a dying crow's body.

Ben: And I really hope that single reference was not the entire point of me reading this book.

Me: Hahahaha.

Me: You're not enjoying it any longer?

Ben: Man why is this book even called THE STAND?

Ben: He's going to wrap this up in about six pages.

Ben: Six total pages of STANDING.

Ben: That's 0.5% of the book.

Ben: The book called THE STAND.

Ben: Maybe he ought to have called it THEY KINDA DICK AROUND FOR ONE THOUSAND PAGES.

Me: Did you enjoy the town hall meetings?

Me: I liked the part where they passed resolutions.

Ben: This book is like listening to Brandon talk about how he would survive the zombie apocalypse.

Me: Then Richard bursts in and throws Shane out the window.

Ben: And then his best-laid plans would all be for naught due to Shane's deception.

Ben: Haha.

Me: I can't believe that bastard sold us out like that.

Me: Running naked down the streets with a knife in his hand.

Ben: To be fair we probably deserved it.

Ben: Barging in like that as he plowed Dominika.

Ben: Ploughed?

Ben: How would you spell this verb that he did to Dominika?

Me: "Fucked."

Ben: That'll do.

Me: That'll do, pig.

Me: What is the man in black up to these days?

Ben: Wandering around and giving his orders to his minions to carry out essential tasks, and then standing nine feet away and watching them as they completely fuck it up and then punishing them for it.

Me: Did he totally fucking devour that dude yet?

Ben: Totally did, presumably.

Me: What about the pregnant bitch?

Me: Not the giggle bitch, the other one.

Ben: Hasn't devoured her yet, sadly.

Ben: Oh who?

Me: The one with the wild jungle kid.

Me: Nadine?

Ben: Oh she isn't pregnant yet, just foreshadowed to be.

Me: Oh man you still have a ways to go yet.

Ben: ;_;

Me: M-O-O-N, that spells "finish it."

The Giggle-Bitch

Ben: I really can't stand this giggle-bitch

Me: WHO???

Ben: Fuckin preggers giggle bitch

Ben: God damn it, he snuck man/boy love right in there under my nose

Me: What has happened?

Ben: God, please kill this fuckin stupid giggle bitch

Me: Are you trying to scare yourself for Halloween?

Ben: Yes, with ghost stories of retarded men with a dick in each fist being sodomized with firearms

Me: I don't remember that part

Ben: Maybe that part's only in the director's cut

Goddammit, Stephen King

Me: I met a traveller from an antique land

Who said: `Two vast and trunkless legs of stone

Stand in the desert... Near them, on the sand,

Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,

And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read

Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,

The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear --

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare

The lone and level sands stretch far away.'

Ben: How did he know they were legs

Ben: if they were trunkless?

Me: Egyptian restoration project.

Ben: Two vast and legless, stoneless legs of stone.

Ben: Fuck you, Shelley.

Me: Did you finish that book yet?

Ben: I have read more chapters.

Ben: It turns out they were chapters I had read before.

Ben: But we had never discussed them so it didn't count.

Me: Wot hobben?

Ben: Uh fuckin old lady fought some weasels.

Ben: And pregnant bitch wrote unconvincingly in her diary.

Ben: Those two chapters were like eight chapters long.

Ben: So I am actually ahead of schedule.

Me: Whoo sounds like things are finally picking up.

Ben: Yes.

Ben: It is no longer surprising when Stephen King invents a shitty female character.

Ben: Like, just fucking hate the old lady.

Me: Because she fought off the weasels?

Ben: Yes, I wish she had died.

Ben: Eaten by weasels.

Ben: Would have been a much better story.

Ben: The light of mankind, the center of salvation, left as a weasel-eaten corpse on a rural Nebraskan road.

Ben: *truck pulls up with survivors inside*

Ben: "Fucking shit."

Me: But the weasels were sent by the Walkin Dude.

Ben: How?

Ben: The Walkin Dude doesn't even know where she is.

Me: Because they're creatures of evil so he can control them.

Ben: Wasn't until she fought off the weasels that she felt his eyeball turn towards her and acknowledge her.

Ben: Fortunately, we know that she will die soonish.

Me: Oh whatever.

Me: How will she die?

Me: Because she's 108?

Ben: No, because God says so.

Me: Fucking God.

Ben: Fucking God.

Me: Goddammit, Stephen King.

Ben: Why isn't that the name of this blog?

Ben: Anyway I'm enjoying myself despite the bad female characters.

Ben: Mostly because I am hopeful that the premise of the book can lead to a satisfying conclusion.

Me: What is the premise of the book?

Ben: Disease wipes out humanity.

Me: But there is magic.

Ben: Also God.

Ben: Unfortunately, yes.

Ben: And the corn.

Me: Is that fat kid still fat?

Ben: So fat.

Me: Aw shit.

Ben: Progress is being made, though.

Ben: Really just want to get back to the search for the Dartower.

Me: What % remains of this tome?

Ben: Probably less than half.

Ben: So just forty thousand pages.

Me: You have already been reading it for six months.

Me: More than half the time since you began this project has been spent on this book.

Ben: As Stephen King's most popular book ever, don't you think it is worthy of this amount of introspection?

Ben: Would you be complaining this much if I had spent this long on EYE OF DAGRON instead?

Me: Truly that was the greatest of King's works.

I'll get right on that, Boss

Ben: "Oh God how I love to be sexy with my man and how I love him to be sexy with me when he gets me what he gets me what he shoots in me and sometimes at the instant of her climax she would think of the corn"

You Fuck

 

Ben: I have no idea where THE STAND is.

Misery

Me: How far are you in The Stand?

Ben: I've read some more

Ben: but

Ben: too tired to

Ben: elaborate.

Ben: You have yet to upload our last Stand-related convo.

Me: We had none.

Ben: Totally did.

Me: What was said?

Ben: If I have to scroll up I will die.

Gay or Something

Me: Did you finish that book yet?

Ben: Not yet.

Ben: THE STAND is literally a metaphorical roadblock.

Me: Did you drive over it with your car?

Ben: Metaphorically.

Ben: I am the car.

Ben: And I am literally being driven over The Stand.

Ben: I guess that makes you the driver.

Ben: And from there it devolves into homosexual fantasy the likes of which Brandon can't even imagine.

...But They're Not

Me: What is a SHINING reference?

Ben: Stephen King mentions THE SHINING in THE STAND.

Ben: Or rather

Ben: he mentions SHINING.

Ben: THE SHINE OF GOD.

Ben: I forget who was talking about it, maybe it was the sociology professor,

they were discussing psychic phenomena or w/e.

Me: HOW'D YOU LIKE SOME ICE CREAM, DOC?

Ben: Is that from THE SHINING?

Me: Yes.

Ben: THIS IS BATTERY ACID YOU SLIME.

Things Could Be Different...

Ben: Omg "shining" reference

Me: Wut

97.5%

Me: DARTOWER just updated.

Ben: Oh what.

Me: CHECK IT OUT.

Ben: An epic update.

Ben: Took me this long to read it.

Me: This is the one the fans have been waiting for.

Ben: How are we going to top this.

Me: Tell me what has happened since then.

Ben: Okay well

Ben: I texted that to you during the Trashcan Man chapter.

Ben: Like right as he was looking at the bug caught in the gas.

Ben: And I STAND by my implication that Ranflagg is assembling some horsemen.

Ben: Although they might not be traditional horsemen.

Ben: Like maybe that girl who fucked the deaf guy will be the horseman of being a bitch.

Ben: But Lloyd is mos def famine.

Ben: And thus far I am two chapters into BOOK TWO.

Ben: I was refreshed by how long they were, for Stephen King chapters.

Ben: None of this bullshit with combined chapter headings taking up more room on a page than the rest of the text.

Me: Hahaha

Me: That's not a thing that ever happened.

Ben: Maybe once.

Ben: Maybe he's saving that for DTVII.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: I am liking the first two chapters of the second book.

Ben: Larry has finally become a not-boring character.

Ben: But Stephen had to balance this by introducing Stupid Oracle Dame and Stupid Pygmy Boy.

Ben: But I did like the retarded guy.

Ben: And I really loved Trashcan Man, but that was from the previous book.

Ben: I hope Trashcan Man makes it to Roland's world.

Me: Why do you like Trash so much?

Ben: He's just cool.

Ben: I like his style.

Ben: Also Stephen is doing something with parallelism.

Ben: Either that or he's just really unimaginative.

Ben: Like little things.

Ben: I notice it with food a lot.

Ben: All the characters eat the same food at different points.

Me: What food?

Ben: Like Larry and Rita will go eat some steaks and french fries and strawberry rhubarb pie

Ben: and then a chapter later the pregnant lady will be compelled by pregnancy to stare fixedly at a strawberry pie with such intensity that she lets her homemade french fries nearly burn the house down.

Ben: And then the Trashcan Man will sit at the car wash eating a peanut butter and jelly and tomato and mustard sandwich

Ben: and then Larry or Stu or whoever will be eating PB&J shortly thereafter.

Ben: Wait.

Ben: My new theory is that whenever Stephen King gets hungry, he writes six chapters about his characters eating what he's eating.

Ben: This parallels another theory of mine, which is that whenever Stephen King gets horny he introduces a new female character.

Me: How many new female characters has he introduced?

Ben: I don't have an exact figure.

Ben: But every time he introduces a character he cannot help but include one or more passages describing their breasts.

Ben: To Stephen King, the archetypal female is just an enormous pair of disembodied breasts, jiggling fetchingly.

Me: Hahahaha

Me: Where are all the characters at right now?

Me: Have they started meeting up yet?

Ben: They are all making their way towards Nebraska.

Ben: Although there is a typo in that at one point he writes "Colorado" rather than "Nebraska."

Ben: A little confused by that.

Ben: This upcoming chapter will be about the old black lady who makes her own biscuits.

Me: How can you tell?

Ben: Because I skimmed the first page of the next chapter.

Me: Has anyone died yet?

Ben: Just 97.5% of the human race.

Ben: No great loss.

Progress

Ben: Reading THE STAND, puzzling out which of the six dozen characters represent the horsemen of the apocalypse. Lloyd's mos def famine, maybe trashcan man is war?