I Just Didn't Want to Be a Loser Anymore

Ben: I will give you my current page number.

Ben: OK sorry apparently they didn't bother to number the pages in the foreword.

First Comes Smiles

Ben: What comes after AMNESIA? Is it THE TALISMAN or is it WOLVES OF THE CALLA?

Me: WOLFS. Then I think you alternate between Dartower and non-Dartower.

Ben: Why does the table of contents to WOLFS use the same goofy font as the HARRY POTTER chapter titles?

Me: You're going to find out.

Ben: It seems that Stephen King is so starved for beginning-of-chapter quotes that he has been reduced to quoting his own books.

Me: Did he say something about the hand of God?

Ben: "First comes smiles, then lies. Last is gunfire." ~Roland Deschain, of Gilead

Me: These are the most important books of all time, Ben.

Ben: They're certainly the last books I will ever read, at this rate.

Me: Have you read nothing else in the last three years?

Ben: *SOB* 

Mem-o-rees

Me: You got the taste in u boy, that evil got in and it aint never a comin' out.

Ben: Did you enjoy Keyboard Ron? 

Me: Sometimes I wake up in the night and I can't move and I just see him sitting on my chest. 

Ben: Playing your face with his stick arms. 

Ben: Staring into you with those dead eyes. 

Me: Why did you have Christmas a month late? 

Ben: Uh because I had to hold off for Chinese New Year. 

Ben: Respect my heritage, you sack of shit. 

Me: China is the most evil country in the world right now. 

Me: Anyone decent is boycotting that shit. 

Ben: Lol good luck with that strategy. 

Ben: When the invasion comes I'll be sure to show them this chat log. 

Me: I've been preparing for Red Dawn all my life.
 
Ben: Oh speaking of the Dark Tower. 

Ben: J/K how about that Insomnia review. 

Me: That book was fucking boring. 

Me: I would have liked it if it was 50% shorter. 

Me: The last half was good, most of the first half was just old people and abortion.

Ben: God damn you.

Ben: The first half was the good half, the second half was just the typical Stephen King bullshit buffet. 

Me: Hahahaha. 

Me: I'm a catfish in your mother's nightgown. 

Ben: Man I hope when we finally meet the Crimson King he hasn't yet changed out of that disguise. 

Ben: I mean, the... Something King. 

Ben: Sadly I can't misremember his name anymore because I've been listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlNantlznCA&list=FLjxlsFYLqndkgqdPKVq95DQ a lot lately. 

Me: Good fucking song. 

Ben: Do you think there's some kind of connection between this song and Stephen King? 

Ben: Anwaya 

Ben: Playa 

Ben: == Spanish for beach. 

Ben: Where was I? 

Ben: There's a theme lurking in here. 

Ben: Which is 

Ben: that Stephen King likes to imagine really interesting premises and then drowns them in stupidity. 

Ben: But gradually. 

Ben: It sneaks up on you. 

Ben: You don't realize how stupid it is until you're all the way through. 

Ben: I really wish it took more cues from the movie. 

Me: Did you skip the chapter where Robin Williams jumps over a pile of logs? 

Ben: That's like my favorite scene. 

Ben: I think. 

Ben: It's honestly the only scene that I remember. 

Ben: So it must be my favorite. 

Me: What was the interesting premise and what was the stupidity? 

Ben: Just this old guy slowly going insane from the insomnia. 

Ben: And the potential ambiguity of whether or not all these events are just the mad, fevered dreams of a wasting mind. 

Ben: But no it was little space aliens from another dimension. 

Ben:  Sorry. 

Ben: An upper floor. 

Ben: Would have been better if it was a spider. 

Ben: There better not be a spider at the end of this series. 

Ben: I will set your books on fire. 

Me: But they needed to save the magic kid to defeat the Bulldozer King. 

Ben: I'll give you this. 

Ben: It was the best book yet written that has actually involved the Dark Tower. 

Me: This was your favorite book so far?? 

Ben: No. 

Ben: It was the only book yet written that has actually involved the Dark Tower. 

Ben: Listen you can't just call the series "The Dark Tower" and then see the Tower three times in the exact same rose dream. 

Ben: It's like if you never actually ever met Harry Potter until The Order of the Phoenix. 

Ben: Sirius falls through the mirror and then Harry walks around from behind and is like "Hi I’m Harry Potter, what did I miss?" 

Ben: "You missed the entire fucking series, you asshole." 

Ben: So in short Stephen King is like the writers of Lost in that he likes to think of potentially interesting premises and then overextend and fail to deliver. 

Ben: Except unlike the writers of Lost he never wrote the character of Daniel. 

Ben: Or Dingo. 

Ben: Or Charlie's baby. 

Ben: Anyway. 

Ben: When is DARTOWER IIX coming out? 

Me: Didn't Stephen King die yet? 

Me: What are your impressions of the Crimson Catfish as the incarnate evil of the Stephen King mythos? 

Me: How can Roland defeat him if he doesn't bring a fishhook?

Ben: "Didn't Stephen King die yet?" 

Ben: I want this on my tombstone. 

Ben: How can Roland beat him when he doesn't bring magical space aliens and unexplained old men and deus ex machina emerald golems? 

Me: Roland was in this book. 

Ben: I hope he was the unexplained old man. 

Ben: Living out his life after his quest was complete. 

Me: No the story cut to him in the desert during the first Dartower book at one point. 

Me: Do you need to reread it? 

Ben: ... 

Ben: FUCK. 

Ben: Maybe I caught that reference. 

Me: It's towards the end after Ed Deepthroat and the Caterpillar King have been vanquished. 

Ben: I guess not. 

Ben: Give me a page number. 

Me: You have the book you asshole. 

Ben: Right you dumbass how would I look up the page without the book. 

Me: 617 right before subchapter 6. 

Ben: That's a pretty shitty cameo. 

Ben: Like, omg do we really need another reminder that this book makes absolutely no sense to anyone who hasn't read the previous shoebox? 

Me: Hahahaha. 

Me: Work on your reading comprehension. 

Me: This series is all about the connections! 

Ben: Where the fuck are you, Callahan? 

Ben: WHRARYOU 

Me: Did you see BATMAN 3: DARKNIGHTER yet? 

Ben: Yeah 

Me: It was okay. 

Me: Kinda lame that Batman's career lasted like a year and a half though. 

Ben: Uh like 10 years. 

Ben: He was just a cripple for 9 of them. 

Me: He was sad for 8 years. 

Ben: He's been sad his entire life, you asshole. 

Ben: MY PARENTS ARE DEEEAAAAAAD

Ben: Remember that time I came up to you and put my gum in your hair? 

Ben: Good times. 

Me: Then spat water in my face in subzero temperatures. 

Ben: Then broke all your fingers. 

Me: Then broke Tim's spine. 

Ben: Then made sweet love to your brother. 

Ben: That's why he always so quiet around me. 

Me: Why would you lie with him? 

Ben: So that I could stew in my own... concoctions.

Me: SO BEN HOW MANY STARS DO YOU GIVE INSOMNIA? 

Ben: Ummmm. 

Ben: Eight stars. 

Ben: There is no upper end of this scale. 

Me: The sky's the limit. 

Ben: All paths lead to the Dark Tower. 

Me: Hurry and start WEREWOLVES OF THE CALLIOPE. 

Me: You have dallied too long. 

Ben: Hold on first I need to reread THE STAND to make sure that I didn't miss any crucial Dartower connexions. 

Me: Yeah Randall Munroe is going to come back with his army of Bronze-Age Ethiopians any time now. 

Ben: He's playing the long game. 

Ben: He's going to evolve those tribesmen into the master race. 

Me: Spoiler alert they will never be mentioned again.

I Hope I Won't Forget You

Me: Isn't People's Choice Awards where Rosie O'Donnell gives someone an orange blimp and then they get slime dumped on them?

Ben: No you're thinking of the Kids' Choice Awards. Kids aren't people.

Me: Rpatz/Kstew Best Kiss 5 years running.

Ben: TRAMPIRE.

Ben: How was the final installment?

Ben: Did it change the feel of the movie at all knowing that the actors really hate each other in real life?

Me: It was a transcendent theater experience, being simultaneously the best and the worst film in the series.

Ben: I heard that Lucille Ball and the lady who played Ethel actually hated each other irl.

Ben: Totally changed the feel of the show.

Me: OH MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME!

Ben: I know right?

Ben: Can't even bring myself to watch Lucy any more.

Me: You shit.

Me: Ask your mom if she wants 11 seasons of I Love Lucy on DVD.

Ben: I'm refusing in her absence.

Ben: Anyway you'll have to ask me about INSOMNIA after I get back from exchanging Christmas gifts.

Ben: Don't forget this time.

Oh So We're Still Talking About This Book Are We

 

Ben: Oh also I finished INSOMNIA so you should get online so you can receive my synopsis  

Me: Hurry up, bitch

Ben: Yes, heaven forbid I tarry wrt INSOMNIA

Gondor Needs No King

Ben: I’ve gotten about 70 pages further into INSOMNIA tonight. it is my go-to distraction from familial interaction  

Me: Did the plot start happening yet?  

Ben: Not sure but I’m finding it rather enjoyable  

Me: Explain  

Ben: I feel like stephen is actually doing a good job with the supernatural bullshit in this one. Doing a good job of portraying a suffering character who can’t ever be sure that what’s happening to him isn’t just a slow descent into insanity  

Me: But they’re so old  

Ben: Also notable for the fact that this is the first old main character in the history of literature  

Me: Aragorn in lotr is like 600 years old  

Ben: Aragorn isn’t the main character you fuck

HELP OMG PORN

Ben: 1) There is a nerd gift-giving party happening right now oh my god and 2) my dad is a republican.

Me: Omg are you there right now?  

Ben: No but I will probably swing by in a bit. I am reading INSOMNIA  

Me: Keep an eye out for gay porn (as you are wont to do)  

Ben: Oh don't worry.

Thanksgiving

Me: Happy Thanksgiv…wait….Christmas is coming?!?.....sweeeeeeeeeeeetttt!!! Let there be snow :)  

Ben: Are you high?  

Me: Yeah huffin' tryptophan.  

Ben: Was actually reading some more INSOMNIA in order to kill time that would otherwise be spent with my family. 

Me: Are they all telling racist jokes?  

Ben: Omg it’s like you’re right here.

Halloweentown High

 

Ben: Remember how my mom borrowed your copy of EVERYTHING’S EVENTUAL to read in the hospital after my grandma was crushed to dust?

Me: Yes why?

Ben: Because for some ineffable reason she packed the book away with all her Halloween decorations.

Me: Maybe she thought it was a Halloween book.

Ben: Stephen King is scary like Halloween is scary.

Me: Is it gone forever now?

Ben: At least until next Halloween. We'll have to postpone our blog’s thrilling conclusion until then.  

Me: You already finished that book, you asshole.

Ben: So I guess this would be a good time to ask when the next DARTOWER book is coming out.

Me: Didn't you hear? That series is finished.

Ben: FUCKING spoiler alert!!  

Me: Hurry up and finish Christopher Nolan's INSOMNIA, Father Callahan comes back in the next book.

Ben: WHO??!
 
Me: My god, your brain is full of holes.

A Cure for Insomnia

Ben: You should be proud of me.

Ben: I got like 30 more pages into INSOMNIA 

Ben: while handing out Halloween candy. 

Ben: I remember reading THE STAND while handing out candy last yaer. 

Ben: Yarr.

Me: We passed our two-year anniversary last month. 

Ben: Thanks for ruining my momentum, THE STAND. 

Me: It's like you actually are on a journey to reach the Tower. 

Ben: How long did it take them to reach the Tower in the books, irl? 

Me: Time is out of joint or something. 

Me: Has anything else happened in the book yet? 

Me: Is it just old people talking about incontinence and abortion? 

Ben: Lady got betten up. 

Ben: By her hubbind. 

Me: That's like the first thing that happens. 

Ben: Did I mention that I am on like page 90? 

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

Ben: lol @ your rage. 

Me: You're killing me.

MANGLE!

Ben: I'm so psyched to be let down.

Ben: You have no idea.

Me: You are a masochist.

Ben: I hope I do not have inflated expectation of how bad it is going to be.

Ben: I'd like to think that it is so bad that it is actually worse than I can even imagine.

Ben: A mind-expanding experience.

Me: The 2001: A Space Odyssey of bad endings.

Ben: My god, it's full of shit.

Me: Speaking of disappointing science fiction franchises.

Ben: 2002: A Space Illiad.

Me: Did you finish that book about old people yet?

Ben: I am on page

Ben: 60

Ben: of like 800.

Ben: That's not too bad!

Me: Did the plot start yet?

Ben: The main character is experiencing the onset of INSOMNIA.

Ben: Roll opening credits.

Me: Are you excited for Stephen King's treatise on abortion?

Ben: Oh god.

Ben: I figured this would just be a subplot.

Me: It is a running theme.

Ben: Is this book this ATLAS SHRUGGED of abortion?

Ben: That would be a good blurb for the back

Ben: regardless of its truth.

Ben: "The ATLAS SHRUGGED of abortion." ~ Richard

Me: Pretty sure I saw Blaine the Mono in the trailer.

Ben: For Dartower 1?

Me: For Atlas Shrugged.

Me: The Dark Tower movie got canceled I think.

Ben: The Atlas Shrugged/Dartower crossover.

Me: Every book is a subset of the Stephen King multiverse.

Ben: Including this Facebook conversation.

Me: Scorponok and Terrorsaur fall into Roland's world in book 6.

Ben: Honestly if I opened WOLVES OF THE CALLA to find that Susannah had been replaced by Scorponok I would be fucking psyched.

Ben: SONG OF SCORPONOK.

Ben: The Bulldozer King will reward me highly for this!