Subchapter 22, Chapter 1, Sub-book 1, Book 3, THE DARK TOWER

Ben: "I hate being a cripple," Susannah said crossly.

Me: Did you finish DT3 yet?

Ben: I just quoted you a line.

Ben: It was the line I was reading as I looked up to notice you were online.

Ben: Page 86.

Ben: Or rather

Ben: subchapter 22, chapter 1, sub-book 1, book 3, THE DARK TOWER.

Me: What has happened so far?

Ben: They killed a bearborg.

Ben: And Roland is suddenly not sure if he ever met the boy at all, which I think is really cool.

Ben: Like, if the first book was just the fevered dream of a madman.

Ben: But I also find it hilarious that the source of Roland's insanity over the anguish of losing his boymeat.

Me: You'd never survive in ancient Sparta.

Ben: I'd just equip a foam sword and remain unconquerable.

Me: How is Waste Lands so far?

Me: Did they fight the robot bear yet?

Ben: I like it.

Ben: YES.

Ben: I told you as much.

Me: Oh, I wasn't listening to you.

Ben: Remember that time I paralyzed your thumb for life?

Ben: It was a preemptive strike for your behavior here.

Ben: Remember this.

Me: You did this to me!

Me: All of my LIIIIIIIIIFE!

Me: YOU MADE ME!

Ben: Is that from STAR WARS 3?

Me: We'll find out once you've torrented all the Master episodes.

Vampiyaz Suck

Ben: We'll compete.

Ben: You make your hentai game.

Ben: I'll make my game.

Ben: Also

Ben: before I forget

Ben: some final parting thoughts on SALEM'S LOT.

Ben: 1) So the revelation that the vampire is staying in the boarding house came about because the child noticed blue chalk on his fingers, which implies that the head vampire was blowing off some steam by playing pool, which is retarded.

Ben: This is probably my biggest problem with the ending.

Ben: Apart from

Ben: 2) the fact that the head vampire decided to stay in the boarding house at all, a possibility that I considered but then later rejected because it would be unnecessarily risky for the vampire to stay somewhere so close to where one of his enemies keeps all his stuff.

Me: That's what makes it so genius.

Me: It's the last place he'd look!

Ben: Notice, too, that the heroes assault the Marsten House on October 6th, only to realize that the vampire had left two days prior. Meaning that, for two days, Ben was sleeping about fifty feet above the vampire in the basement.

Ben: The reason that I considered it at all was precisely because of that.

Ben: But then I realized it was retarded.

Ben: Because vampires can just turn themselves into smoke and pass through cracks.

Ben: So why not just hide in a rabbithole somewhere randomly in the woods?

Ben: Or anywhere that normal humans cannot otherwise access?

Ben: Or just fucking burst through the windows of the people who are trying to kill you before they do.

Ben: Before they even know what's up.

Ben: Clearly he was watching them before they were fully aware.

Ben: Why not go after them first?

Me: They replaced the stairs with knives, I think pretty much all the bases were covered.

Ben: That's number 3)

Ben: What a shitty hiding place.

Ben: Because if you go to all the trouble of pulling out the stairs and pushing knives through wooden slats and laying them face-up on the floor, that's a dead giveaway that the heroes are on the right track.

Ben: It totally obviates his attempts to hide the root cellar with the bureau.

Ben: So yeah, you kill the first guy who comes down the stairs.

Ben: Then what, smartass?

Ben: You've just all but told them that you're definitely in the basement.

Me: But there's a secret cellar.

Ben: Doesn't matter.

Ben: You've played video games.

Ben: Use your fucking brain.

Ben: If the developers put something special in a room, then you know that room's there for something.

Ben: Otherwise they wouldn't devote development time to putting something special in the room.

Ben: Therefore you search the room until you find the secret.

Me: But the vampires almost won anyway.

Ben: Despite their leader's supreme incompetence.

Ben: Anyway.

Ben: In retrospect, the ending was preposterous.

Ben: Slightly more so than the rest of the book.

Ben: Vampires are just shitty antagonists in modern settings, I think we can all agree.

Ben: They just don't make any fucking sense.

Ben: It's time to move on and invent some new mythical horrors.

Me: Maybe you've heard of TWILIGHT, DRACULA 2000, and ANNE RICE?

Me: Also TRUE BLOOD, the hit HBO series.

Ben: I rest my case.

Ben: Welp, better upload this to the blog so I can get started on part three.

Me: So final thoughts on the book overall and its place in the Dartower canon?

Ben: I don't know its place in the Dartower canon yet.

Ben: If I didn't know that Callahan showed up in Dartower, I'd be pretty pissed that he went out like a bitch and got no closure.

Ben: I liked the themes of smalltown evils attracting gradually larger evils.

Ben: And it is a pretty spooky setting.

Ben: It seems eerily plausible that a town such as that could dry up without anybody noticing.

Ben: The characters were okay.

Ben: The main male characters, anyway.

Me: You liked the kid better than the girl?

Ben: Sort of.

Ben: Because he wasn't an idiot.

Ben: At least he was interesting.

Ben: I'm still a little creeped out by King's fascination with boy-love.

Ben: I get the feeling his father didn't pay him very much attention.

Ben: The setup of the book was good, if slow.

Ben: I liked Ben's backstory.

Ben: I didn't really like his paranormal beliefs.

Ben: Although I guess they were essential to his character.

Ben: I liked how it showed the stress the main characters were under.

Ben: I liked Callahan too.

Ben: Does he show up in the next Dartower book?

Me: No.

Ben: Dammit.

Ben: So I have no references to look forward to.

Ben: Anyway

Ben: I liked all the instances of describing the townsfolk going about their lives.

Ben: The bits of the book that mimicked newspaper clippings and such felt a little forced, especially after reading that their inclusion was because of DRACULA.

Ben: He doesn't write like a journalist, is the issue.

Ben: He writes like a fiction author trying to write like a journalist.

Ben: Maybe the DRACULA clippings were from such a different era that I can't distinguish if their tone was appropriate.

Ben: I really liked the final implication of the fire cleansing the town.

Ben: Especially after all the references to the fire of 1951.

Ben: So at least it ended on a positive note.

Ben: But the final long chapter that focuses on confronting the vampires is pretty silly in retrospect.

Ben: Like, he describes that as you stake a vampire, their arms flail around.

Ben: Then how are you continuing to stake it, asshole?!

Ben: It's a supernatural creature with supernatural strength.

Ben: Imagine, as I am sure you often do, that you are lying on your back and that I am poised over you with my hands on your chest.

Ben: Now imagine that you are lying recessed in a coffin.

Ben: In order for me to reach your heart, I have to come in from the side.

Ben: Now imagine that your arms are flailing wildly, and that you have the strength of the mentally challenged.

Ben: There is no way that I'd be able to stay in that position without getting my torso ripped in half.

Ben: This is forgetting that the vampire apparently wasn't even trying to fight back for some reason, and instead of trying to yank out the stake or fight back he just decided to do a little dance.

Me: Maybe they lose their strength during the day.

Ben: Right, it's like waking up and you're all sleepy.

Ben: And your muscles are all paralyzed.

Ben: I guess that's plausible.

Ben: But it doesn't forgive the mad flailing.

Ben: Anyway, final verdict: let's hope that DARTOWER 3: THE WASTE LANDS is a better work of literature.

Me: I don't understand why their hearts geyser blood after they're already undead.

Ben: "Black blood. Heart blood."

Me: What does that mean?

Ben: You'll have to ask Stephen King.

Me: So how would you rank the first four books of your journey to the Dark Tower?

Ben: Gunslinger was good.

Ben: Eye of Dagron was meh

Ben: The Drawing of the Three was good until we met the woman.

Ben: 'Salem's Lot was okay.

Me: Is okay better than meh?

Ben: Yes.

Ben: I am excited to get back to the Dartower though, I like Roland's character.

Ben: I am eager to see where his adventures lead.

Me: To the WASTE LANDS.

Me: So so far you would say the DT books are better than the non-DT books?

Me: Are you excited for The Stand?

Ben: Yeah I would say they are.

Ben: I am not very excited to read The Stand because it will probably take me a year.

Out of the Lot

Ben: Finished it today.

Me: Do you feel relieved to have it over with?

Ben: The last "part" of the book was coincident with a single chapter

Ben: so I had no choice but to continue.

Ben: I liked the very end of the book, by which I mean the epilogue.

Ben: The final part where they start fighting vampires was pretty good in general.

Ben: Although

Ben: I think Richard's fascination with boy-love stems from his desire to be Stephen King.

Ben: Like srsly, first THE GUNSLINGER and now SALEM'S LOT.

Ben: Grown men professing their love for boys they met yesterday is not as normal as Stephen King wants us to believe.

Ben: Are there any more books that deal with this?

Ben: Besides THE SHINING, which might as far as I know.

Me: Hearts in Atlantis is in large part about children.

Ben: Is it about grown men falling in love with children?

Ben: Or about prepubescent orgies?

Me: No orgies.

Me: Part of it involves a young boy becoming friends with an old man.

Me: It's very sad though.

Ben: There are some good passages in the final part.

Ben: I generally liked the bits where he gets into the goings-on of the townsfolk

Ben: but the faux newspaper clippings felt pretty forced.

Me: I like the part with Callahan on the bus and the kid sitting on steps or something.

Ben: Yeah wtf was that all about?

Ben: I do remember liking that part.

Ben: I liked how, before they stake Susan, the book describes the wine cellar of the house and I was then disappointed when Callahan did not start swilling the booze.

Me: Hahaha.

Ben: "No," Ben said, speaking quietly, as a man speaks a fact. "I can't."

"You must," Father Callahan said, sending spiders scurrying as he retrieved a dusty bottle of wine from its cobweb-choked place on the rack. He uncorked the bottle, and, all but ignoring the fetid vinegar stench that swam out, put it to his lips and drank deeply. A minute or more passed, and he lowered the bottle only when it was clear that its emptiness was absolute. "I'm not telling you that it will be easy, or for the best. Only that you must."

Me: What is that?

Ben: I edited a passage to fit Callahan's character.

Me: I can't tell the difference.

Ben: I'm glad that you think I'm as proficient a writer as Stephen King.

Ben: Or maybe I'm dismayed that you think I'm exactly equal to him.

Ben: Emotions are mixed.

Me: Remember, you have assimilated him now.

Ben: I fucking told you.

Me: Did it make sense that Barlow could burst in through the window?

Ben: Maybe he was more powerful than the other vampires.

Ben: Although

Ben: if, as it is implied, speaking a vampire's name allows you to resist their Jedi mind tricks, Barlow probably shouldn't have had his lackey use his real name on the STRAKER AND BARLOW ANTIQUE FURNITURE STORE.

Me: Hahaha.

Me: I dont rember that.

Me: They should have called him by his dream name.

Ben: It's when the kid's at the top of the stairs to the Marsten cellar just after Susan gets unkilled, and Barlow is luring him down the stairs and the kid shouts "I KNOW YOUR NAME, IT'S BARLOW!!" and then can run away somehow.

Ben: They were prescient enough to buy all the roses in town, but not enough to use aliases.

Ben: Also, I lol'd at this line.

Ben: Mr. and Mrs. Petrie eat sandwiches in their kitchen, trying to puzzle out the call they have just received, a call from a local Catholic priest, Father Callahan: "Your son is with me. He's fine. I will have him home shortly. Good-by."

Ben: It's like a perfectly absurd line.

Me: Is all of that a quote from the book or just the dialogue?

Ben: That's a straight quote from the book.

Me: Why is it in present tense?

Ben: All the townsfolk segments are.

Me: What would your reaction be if a priest called you to say that?

Ben: A Catholic priest?

Ben: About my son?

Ben: I'd probably crack up and ask the person on the other end if they were making a SALEM'S LOT reference.

Ben: Like I said, it's a perfectly absurd line.

Ben: Then I'd go eat some sandwiches.

Me: So now that you've finished the book, what's your interpretation of who the man and boy at the beginning were?

Ben: It was a mystery until the epilogue, when they are eventually revealed to be Ben and Mark.

Ben: Thank you for not spoilering me.

Me: Yeah that was my favorite twist.

Ben: I did like the epilogue.

Ben: It was hopeful and cool.

Ben: I didn't even consider burning down the town until the radio in their car remarked what a dry season it had been.

Ben: It was a good parallel with the previous fire.

Me: Creative destruction.

Me: Legend of the Overfiend.

Me: Ka is a wheel.

Ben: That's the name of our blog, all right.

Part Two

 

Me: you have sex with a guy from onlien b4?

Ben: Only once.

Ben: I wouldn't recommend it.

Ben: I finished PART TWO of 'SALEM'S LOT.

Me: Jesus how many parts are there?

Ben: Just one more, then the epilogue.

Ben: I'm kind of sad at the abruptness with which the female lead was dispatched, but I'm not sure I expected any better fate for her.

Ben: I guess I'm also a little disappointed that the event should be seen from the point of view of this child who we have invested so little time in.

Ben: I'm still sort of baffled as to why he even included a child in the story

Ben: since he is not in fact a child at all, but a hyper-rational Buddhist monk Mary Sue.

Me: He brought a better stake than that dumb girl did.

Ben: Fat lot of good it did him.

Ben: How the fuck did he expect to get in the window without her being there?

Me: What has happened so far in the story?

Me: How long is part 3?

Ben: It left off with the first chapter from Callahan's point of view, where he visits the schoolteacher in the hospital and agrees to some unknown contract.

Ben: Immediately prior was the scene where the child pulls a Houdini and is tragically just seconds too late to save Susan from suffering an off-screen undeath.

Me: Oh so there's still a ways to go yet.

Ben: Looks like 170 pages or so to go.

Me: Is the doctor's throat still ripped out?

Ben: I think he was fine.

Ben: Somehow.

Ben: They waited around for the sheriff to arrive and interrogate them without suffering any difficulty due to the doctor's wound.

Me: Ben sucked out the poison.

Ben: I think that might have actually happened.

Ben: Was that a joke?

Me: I don't remember.

Me: I think he did something to get the toxins out.

Ben: Maybe he just injected him with holy water.

Ben: Or said a prayer or something.

Me: Yeah I think.

Me: Is the action kicking into high-gear yet?

Ben: The last real action was the child beating Straker with a pipe

Ben: and then running home.

Ben: And then there's a spooky scene where he's being visited by Susan

Ben: who for whatever reason does not just go to his parents' window and use vampire persuasion on them to get into the house.

Ben: But no it is not relentless knuckle-whitening testicle-exploding action at the moment.

Me: Hurry up and get back to the Dark Tower.

Ben: FIRST I NEED TO READ THIS BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES.

Ben: It will give me unparalleled insight into the journey for the Dartower.

Me: That's true.

Ben: The man in black is actually Straker.

Me: You don't need to spend three months analyzing it though.

Me: The back cover gives away the connection.

Ben: Every Stephen King book that is tangential to the Dark Tower series ends with the man in black being mutilated.

Me: Hahaha.

Ben: Calling it right now.

Ben: He's the hotel chef from THE SHINING.

Ben: And the spider from IT.

Ben: And the author from MISERY.

Me: THIS IS BATTERY ACID, YOU SLIME.

And so it Goes

 

Me: OK that review wasn't bad and the movie looks like it probably does really suck

Me: but a lot of what he said isn't really applicable to the book so I call BULLSHIT.

Ben: How bad were these tears, was it like a gentle rain or a deluge of weeping?

Me: They weren't like streaming down my face but they actually left my eyes.

Ben: I think that's referred to as "misty."

Me: No, when tears build up in your eyes but don't actually overflow it's misty.

Me: When they come out of your eyes it's crying.

Me: When they continuously stream down your face for an extended period it's weeping.

Ben: Brb, I need to consult with urban dictionary on the matter.

Me: I think you need to consult with your mom's dick.

Ben: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=misty

Me: I love you Misty, forever and ever.

Me: "Whoa, wait a minute. I'm gettin' all misty! I do not need you to see me like this!"

Ben: by Your one and only Dan Dec 9, 2005

Ben: Oh my god Dan.

Me: RIP

Ben: They served hot wings at the viewing.

Me: He loved them.

Ben: I covertly stuffed one in his coffin for his journey into the Egyptian afterlife.

Me: If only he'd had his bird book with him at the end.

Ben: He died as he lived.

Me: Miserably.

Ben: Well I am glad you enjoyed it.

Ben: The ending was too preposterous for Gabrielle, and even though she loved the rest of the book it turned her off of Stephen King forever.

Me: The ending ending was great, so I assume you mean the final confrontation with IT.

Ben: I don't think she was a fan of the prepubescent gangbang either.

Ben: Honestly I've never read the book so I don't know what any of this means.

Ben: I didn't even watch the review of the movie.

Me: Why did you keep telling me to watch it then?

Ben: Just to be an ass, I suppose.

Me: The only reason I started reading the book was because you said the review made you not want to read any of the DARTOWER books.

Ben: Pics or it didn't happen.

Ben: Oh wait, I do remember saying something like that.

Ben: But that's because all I heard of the review was the Nostalgia Critic saying that Stephen King sucked over and over again.

Ben: Not any story specifics.

Me: Some of the stuff he made fun of was fair, like Stephen King's love of the Magical [African American] and one-dimensional bullies.

Me: But then he'd just make fun of him for writing about the same themes in multiple books lol.

Ben: Did you actually read the article about the Dark Tower game?

Ben: Are you psyched about the accompanying major motion picture trilogy and tie-in television series?

Me: That seems like it could be either really cool or really terrible.

Me: I can't imagine a straight film adaptation not sucking

Me: because there's just so much they'd have to leave out.

Me: I've never heard of this kind of mixed media project before though.

Me: Then again, Ron Howard is directing, so...

Ben: So...?

Ben: He was Ralphie in HAPPY DAYS.

Me: No he wasn't.

Me: He was Richie.

Ben: What does that have to do with anything?

Me: Ralph Malph was a different character, you shit.

Everyone Calls it the Ice Cave

Me: Did you finish those cookies yet?

Ben: Yeah like a hundred years ago.

Me: Okay I need that Tupperware back.

Ben: lol

Me: Did you give it to a hobo?

Ben: His need was more than mine.

Me: This is why I never lend out Tupperware.

Ben: I just got to the part in SALEM'S LOT where all the main characters except the woman now believe in vampires.

Me: Is that after the part where the vampire is in the English teacher's house?

Ben: Yes.

Ben: It's just before the part where the doctor who believes in vampires gets his throat ripped out.

Me: That was the scariest part I thought, where he knows there's something upstairs and he has to go investigate or whatever.

Ben: Of the entire book

Ben: ?

Me: From what I remember.

Me: Because there's nothing happening.

Me: It's all psychological.

Ben: I still thought the part in the graveyard burying the kid was scarier.

Me: How is the book so far?

Ben: Okay, although recently I've been irked at the behavior of the characters.

Ben: Like, they neither outright accept vampires without a thought nor are they as skeptical as rational people.

Ben: They're like half-skeptics, which I find even more implausible.

Me: Yeah I noticed that too.

Me: I guess if they acted like rational people they would still refuse to believe in vampires even as they were being murdered by vampires.

Ben: Right, or at the very least they would be doing the same things that they do in the book, but for the purpose of attempting to *disprove* vampires rather than affirm their suspicion that VAMPIRES ARE REAL.

Ben: Once you've seen a dead body rise, rend asunder a man's throat, and then sink through a solid wall (btw, wtf), *then* you are allowed to believe in vampires.

Me: Wasn't the doctor a skeptic until that happened?

Ben: No.

Ben: He wanted to prove vampires.

Ben: It took an hour for a stranger to convince him that vampires were real.

Me: Hahaha.

Ben: Only the woman refuses to believe.

Ben: Okay, so I guess the English teacher is allowed to believe.

Ben: He actually saw a dead dude fly around and stuff.

Me: Is the ka-tet assembled yet?

Me: I dont rember when they all get together.

Ben: No we haven't seen Callahan in a while.

Ben: I left off just after the vampire escaped and the doctor is clutching his torn throat, screaming.

Ben: Also, wtf sinking through walls.

Ben: I thought we were playing vampires straight here.

Me: Vampires can turn into bats, wolves, and clouds of mist according to the lore.

Ben: Clouds of mist cannot sink through walls.

Ben: And by "according to lore" you mean "according to CASTLEVANIA: SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT (PS1)."

Me: That's in the same canon as BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA, so yes.

Me: But since I've never read that book, I don't know why I know that trivia is from there.

Ben: It's a good book.

Me: Isn't Dracula only in like a tenth of it and the parts he isn't in are really boring and Gothic?

Ben: I don't really remember.

Ben: The first chapter is all that I remember.

Ben: It is a good chapter, at the very least.

Me: Oh good.

Me: I bought it years ago so maybe I'll look into it after JORGE LUIS BORGES, reputedly the best writer of South America.

Ben: Being the best writer in South America is like being the best chef in England.

Me: Uh, Gordon Ramsey.

Ben: "...the Gordon Ramsey of South American literature..." ~ THE NEW YORK TIMES

Me: Hahahaha.

Me: Who went through a wall?

Ben: The mother of the two kids.

Ben: Where the first kid disappeared and the second one became a vampire.

Me: Well I've consulted Google and there don't seem to be any ready made examples of vampires going through walls.

Me: Maybe they can vibrate their molecules really fast like the Flash to go through walls.

Ben: Maybe I read the scene wrong

Ben: and merely presumed that she sank through the wall.

Me: No it probably happened.

Me: There's a scene later after it's established vampires need permission to enter a house where one just breaks in through the window.

Me: Maybe it was a special circumstance though.

Ben: Haha.

Ben: I'll have to evaluate the scene in context.

Me: Maybe it's like that scene in Jurassic Park where they spend ten minutes hacking the Unix system to lock the raptors out of the room, then they just come in through the window two seconds later.

Ben: Later, it is revealed that the woman was right and that there aren't actually any vampires, just an elaborate plot to steal the cache of Mayan gold buried under the Marsten House.

Me: Is that her theory?

Ben: No.

Ben: Her actions make no sense.

Ben: She has no theory.

Ben: She's never heard of science.

Me: She's an artist.

Ben: She sells paintings.

Ben: Or something.

Ben: Chapters ago, before anyone believed in vampires, the teacher suggested to the main character that the two of them and the woman should drive up to the house to meet the new neighbors.

Ben: Chapters later, the woman still demands to go to the house even though nobody else wants to go and nobody ever really invited her in the first place and that now there might be vampires.

Ben: So she drives up there to prove that they're not vampires, and on the way she buys a crucifix and wrenches a stake from a fence, and then parks her car at the bottom of the hill and army-crawls up to the house.

Ben: All in the name of proving that vampires don't exist.

Ben: AND THEN A HAND FALLS ON HER SHOULDER FROM BEHIND AAAAAHHHHH and then the scene changes.

Ben: It's like reading Goosebumps.

Me: The cave is cut in ice. Everyone calls it the ice cave.

Ben: Hahaha.

Ben: Why would anyone call it anything, who would give a shit about the cave for any reason?

Me: Because they have to beware, the snowman, yo, didn't you fucking listen?

Ben: Obviously not.

Ben: I think that book had the most complex plot of any Goosebumps book.

Ben: Like, her mom was a witch or something.

Ben: And also a snowman.

Ben: But it was a trick and her mom was evil.

Ben: And her dad was the snowman?

Ben: But then she was the snowman?

Ben: I don't even know.

Things You See in a Graveyard

Me: Did you finish that vampire book yet?

Ben: I've actually read three chapters today.

Ben: I just finished BOOK ONE.

Me: What happened?

Ben: Father Callahan invited the gravedigger to sleep over at his house and he heard the vampire child coming through the window and feeding.

Ben: END OF ACT

Me: What the hell.

Me: I don't remember that at all.

Me: Who's the gravedigger?

Ben: Mike something.

Ben: Remember the scene where he's mesmerized by the child looking at him from inside the coffin as he tries to bury it before sundown.

Ben: It was like the best scene so far.

Me: Oh yeah.

Me: That was creepy.

Me: I thought you might have meant a different scene but that's not till later.

Ben: No spoilers!

Me: Hurry up and finish it so you can get back to the hunt for the DARTOWER.