Ben: According to the last couple of volumes of The Dark Tower, in which King uses himself as a character, Stephen King was 22 in 1977, despite having been born in 1947. Possibly justifiable in that parallel worlds are of extreme significance in the story, and it's quite possible that the Stephen King of "Keystone Earth" was born in 1955.
Me: Happy Thanksgiving!
Me: Rereading The Dark Tower out of seasonal gratitude to Stephen King?
Ben: Well I can only read the last half of the extended septology since you stole my other bookd.
Ben: "Book'd", the show where Ashton Kutcher pranks unsuspecting celebrities by beating them senseless with a shoebox of Stephen King novels.
Me: While shouting spoilers at them.
Ben: You can't show that on MTV.
Me: What passed through your mind and heart when you realized Roland’s circular fate?
Ben: Aw shit, here we go again.
Me: Then you had to start the whole series over.
Ben: The dark man skedaddled across the desert, followed by a guy with a gun.
Thursday, November 26, 2020
Wednesday, October 14, 2020
Star Trek Franchise Retrospective
After seven and a half years of halting progression, I have recently finished watching every existing piece of Star Trek media produced for television and film: 743 live-action episodes, 32 animated episodes, 13 movies, and 10 shorts, totaling roughly 603 hours of content. I am recording my findings here for posterity.
Star Trek (1966–1969)
Best characters: Kirk, Spock, McCoy
Best seasons: 1–2
Best
episodes: 01x04 “The Naked Time,” 01x24 “This Side of Paradise,” 01x28
“The City on the Edge of Forever,” 02x01 “Amok Time,” 02x15 “The Trouble
with Tribbles”
Most embarrassing episode: 03x24 “Turnabout Intruder,” aka The One Where Kirk Becomes a Woman
Star Trek: The Animated Series (1973–1974)
Best seasons: Season 2 is only six episodes long so whatever
Best
episodes: 01x02 “Yesteryear,” 01x05 “More Tribbles, More Troubles,”
01x08 “The Magicks of Megas-tu,” 01x14 “The Slaver Weapon,” 02x05 “How
Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth”
Most embarrassing episode: With that animation budget they’re all equally embarrassing
Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987–1994)
Best characters: Picard, Data
Best seasons: 3–6
Best episodes: 03x16 “The Offspring,” 05x02 “Darmok,” 05x18 “Cause and Effect,” 05x25 “The Inner Light,” 06x15 “Tapestry”
Most embarrassing episode: 01x04 “Code of Honor,” aka The Gang Goes to Space Africa
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993–1999)
Best characters: Odo, Garak, Gul Dukat
Best seasons: 3–6
Best
episodes: 03x14 “Heart of Stone,” 04x03 “The Visitor,” 05x06 “Trials
and Tribble-ations,” 05x12 “The Begotten,” 05x22 “Children of Time”
Most embarrassing episode: 06x23 “Profit and Lace,” aka Quark Gets a Sex Change
Star Trek: Voyager (1995–2001)
Best characters: The Doctor, Seven of Nine
Best seasons: 4–6
Best
episodes: 03x08–09 “Future’s End,” 03x26–04x01 “Scorpion,” 04x08–09
“Year of Hell,” 04x18–19 “The Killing Game,” 04x23 “Living Witness”
Most embarrassing episode: 04x17 “Retrospect,” aka The Rape Allegory Episode
Star Trek: Enterprise (2001–2005)
Best characters: Archer, Dr. Phlox, Shran
Best seasons: 4
Best
episodes: 01x07 “The Andorian Incident,” 03x08 “Twilight,” 04x07–09
“The Forge”/“Awakening”/“Kir’Shara,” 04x12–14 “Babel One”/“United”/“The
Aenar,” 04x18–19 “In a Mirror, Darkly”
Most embarrassing episode: 04x22 “These Are the Voyages...,” aka Overweight TNG Cast Members Steal Another Show’s Finale
Star Trek: Discovery (2017–)
Best characters: Christopher Pike
Best seasons: They’re both bad
Best
episodes: 01x07 “Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad,” 02x02 “New
Eden,” 02x08 “If Memory Serves,” 02x12 “Through the Valley of Shadows”
Most embarrassing episode: All the other ones
Star Trek: Picard (2020–)
Best characters: None
Best seasons: None
Best episode: 01x07 “Nepenthe”
Most embarrassing episode: The whole show
Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–)
Best characters: None
Best seasons: None
Best episodes: None
Most embarrassing episode: “Pickle Rick”
Best to Worst Shows:
1. The Next Generation
2. The Original Series
3. Deep Space Nine
4. Enterprise
5. The Animated Series
6. Voyager
7. Lower Decks
8. Discovery
9. Picard
Best to Worst Movies:
1. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
2. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
3. Star Trek: The Motion Picture
4. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
5. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
6. Star Trek: First Contact
7. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
8. Star Trek Beyond
9. Star Trek Into Darkness
10. Star Trek: Generations
11. Star Trek: Insurrection
12. Star Trek
13. Star Trek: Nemesis
Best to Worst Captains:
1. Picard
2. Kirk (1966)
3. Archer
4. Sisko
5. Pike
6. Janeway
7. Kirk (2009)
8. Lorca
9. Freeman
10. Rios
Historical and Mythological Figures from Earth Revealed to Secretly Be Space Aliens or Otherwise Supernatural:
The Greek god Apollo
Jack the Ripper
Methuselah
King Solomon
Alexander the Great
Lazarus
Merlin
Leonardo da Vinci
Johannes Brahms
The witches from the Salem Witch Trials
Satan
Mesoamerican feathered-serpent deity Kukulkan
Episodes I Remember Watching as a Child
TOS:
01x05 The Man Trap
01x06 The Naked Time
02x12 I, Mudd
02x13 The Trouble with Tribbles
03x15 Let That Be Your Last Battlefield
TAS:
1x02 Yesteryear
1x08 The Magicks of Megas-tu
TNG:
01x01 Encounter at Farpoint
01x24 We’ll Always Have Paris
02x04 The Outrageous Okona
02x06 The Schizoid Man
03x13 Déjà Q
03x14 A Matter of Perspective
03x15 Yesterday’s Enterprise
05x02 Darmok
05x06 The Game
05x07 Unification, Part I
05x08 Unification, Part II
05x18 Cause and Effect
05x26 Time’s Arrow, Part I
06x01 Time’s Arrow, Part II
06x04 Relics
06x11 Chain of Command, Part II
06x15 Tapestry
07x01 Descent, Part II
07x11 Parallels
07x13 Homeward
07x25 All Good Things...
VOY: 03x17 Unity
Timeline:
Distant Past
VOY 02x18: “Death Wish”
TOS 02x23: “All Our Yesterdays”
1893
TNG 05x26: “Time’s Arrow”
1930
TOS 01x28: “The City on the Edge of Forever”
1947
DS9 04x08: “Little Green Men”
1957–58
ENT 02x02: “Carbon Creek”
1968
TOS 02x26: “Assignment: Earth”
1969
TOS 01x21: “Tomorrow Is Yesterday”
1986
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
1992–96
Eugenics Wars
1996
VOY 03x08: “Future’s End”
2004
ENT 03x11: “Carpenter Street”
2024
DS9 03x11: “Past Tense”
2026–53
World War III
2063
Star Trek: First Contact
2151–61
Star Trek: Enterprise
c. 2230
Short Treks: “The Girl Who Made the Stars”
2239
Short Treks: “The Brightest Star”
2254
Short Treks: “Q&A”
TOS Pilot: “The Cage”
2256–57
Star Trek: Discovery – Season 1
Short Treks: “Runaway”
Short Treks: “The Escape Artist”
2257–58
Star Trek: Discovery – Season 2
Short Treks: “The Trouble with Edward”
Short Treks: “Ask Not”
2265–69
Star Trek: The Original Series
2269–70
Star Trek: The Animated Series
2273
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
2285
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
2267–85
Short Treks: “Ephraim and Dot”
2286
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
2287
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
2293
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
2364–70
Star Trek: The Next Generation
2369–71
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine – Seasons 1–2
2293–2371
Star Trek: Generations
2371–73
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine – Seasons 3–4
2373
Star Trek: First Contact
2373–75
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine – Seasons 5–7
2375
Star Trek: Insurrection
2371–78
Star Trek: Voyager
2379
Star Trek: Nemesis
2380
Star Trek: Lower Decks
2385
Short Treks: “Children of Mars”
2387
Kelvin Timeline:
Star Trek (2233–58)
Star Trek Into Darkness (2259–60)
Star Trek Beyond (2263)
2399
Star Trek: Picard
3188
Star Trek: Discovery – Season 3
Far Future
Short Treks: “Calypso”
Friday, October 9, 2020
Till All Are One
EPISODE 51: NEMESIS, PART 1
Paul: BEAST WARS T-1: Meagtron find spacship
Paul: big boom
Paul: Waspinator rebels.
Paul: Um, Derpth Charge finally killed a crab, and also Dinobot 2 died while flashing back to the real one for some reason.
Me: They cut the shot of Rampage letting go of the sword and allowing Depth Charge to kill him when it aired on Fox Kids.
Me: Blew my mind when I saw it on DVD.
Paul: If shoving energon straight into his open spark was enough to kill the "immortal" Rampage then MAYBE they should have thought to do that back on Cybertron. They have enough energon.
Me: Hahaha
Paul: Yeah I guess he wanted to die?
Paul: Hmm neato.
Paul: Nah but I read you, though.
Me: Only RAW energon!
Paul: RAW energon that is naturally in the shape of a sword for no reason.
Me: So they could have a sword fight on the bottom of the ocean.
Me: I assume that was a last-minute resolution they threw in because they thought they were getting a fourth season.
Me: Which is why they set up Tarantulas’s “secret origins” and then he immediately died.
Paul: They should've both been eaten by the Firaxa.
Me: THERE'S ALWAYS A BIGGER FISH
Paul: https://youtu.be/TQi8oP2v2V4?t=1220
Me: Re: Dinobot, you may remember in the episode before the original Dinobot died he hooked himself up to the Maximal ship’s computer in a scene that was never explained. This was meant to lead into a season 3 episode where it turned out that he had made a backup of his hard drive and Rattrap went on an adventure to install it in the clone. The original Dinobot’s personality would emerge momentarily but Rampage’s spark was too strong and the clone personality quickly reasserted itself, leaving Rattrap despondent.
Me: I think they had the whole script ready but Hasbro canceled the episode because it was too dark.
Paul: "Dark Glass" was an unproduced episode planned for Beast Wars' third season, written by Christy Marx. It was replaced by "Go With the Flow". Rattrap salvages a computer bank from the Axalon and in it's circuits he and Rhinox find the core consciousness of the old Dinobot (which as you will recall Dinobot downloaded in a previous episode). Rattrap gets obsessed with the idea that he can restore the old Dinobot by getting it into the new Dinobot's systems. Rhinox tells him this will probably not work, as a core consciousness without a spark is only an illusion of the person to whom it belonged. And if it didn't work, it just might give the Dinobot II all the old Dinobot's memory schematics and habits on the Maximals which could give the Preds and advantage. Optimus thus forbids the attempt. Rattrap defies this order, sneaks out and at much risk to himself, does manage to get the core consciousness in place. For a moment the old Dinobot does seem to emerge but as Rhinox warned he is only a shadow of his former self and must do everything he can to keep Dinobot II from regaining control of his body, a weird mental struggle which would have been fun to animate. The old Dinobot knows he is doomed to lose this struggle and tries to "sacrifice" himself again by infiltrating the Predacons and taking out Megatron before he can complete his master plan to destroy the Autobots that were in stasis in the Ark. It doesn't work and Dinobot II regains control of his body only to be blasted by Megatron. Rattrap comes to accept that his old pal is truly dead and realizes he cannot bring him back. However he honors his friends memory. (original post)
Paul: Yes!!!
Paul: That would have been cool!
Me: Clearly the episode with cave people building a super weapon was better.
Me: Be careful though you’re treading toward spoilers for the finale!!!
Me: The secret of Waspinator’s fate must be preserved.
Paul: Damn would that have made Dinobot II a much more fucking interesting character.
Paul: big boom
Paul: Waspinator rebels.
Paul: Um, Derpth Charge finally killed a crab, and also Dinobot 2 died while flashing back to the real one for some reason.
Me: They cut the shot of Rampage letting go of the sword and allowing Depth Charge to kill him when it aired on Fox Kids.
Me: Blew my mind when I saw it on DVD.
Paul: If shoving energon straight into his open spark was enough to kill the "immortal" Rampage then MAYBE they should have thought to do that back on Cybertron. They have enough energon.
Me: Hahaha
Paul: Yeah I guess he wanted to die?
Paul: Hmm neato.
Paul: Nah but I read you, though.
Me: Only RAW energon!
Paul: RAW energon that is naturally in the shape of a sword for no reason.
Me: So they could have a sword fight on the bottom of the ocean.
Me: I assume that was a last-minute resolution they threw in because they thought they were getting a fourth season.
Me: Which is why they set up Tarantulas’s “secret origins” and then he immediately died.
Paul: They should've both been eaten by the Firaxa.
Me: THERE'S ALWAYS A BIGGER FISH
Paul: https://youtu.be/TQi8oP2v2V4?t=1220
Me: Re: Dinobot, you may remember in the episode before the original Dinobot died he hooked himself up to the Maximal ship’s computer in a scene that was never explained. This was meant to lead into a season 3 episode where it turned out that he had made a backup of his hard drive and Rattrap went on an adventure to install it in the clone. The original Dinobot’s personality would emerge momentarily but Rampage’s spark was too strong and the clone personality quickly reasserted itself, leaving Rattrap despondent.
Me: I think they had the whole script ready but Hasbro canceled the episode because it was too dark.
Paul: "Dark Glass" was an unproduced episode planned for Beast Wars' third season, written by Christy Marx. It was replaced by "Go With the Flow". Rattrap salvages a computer bank from the Axalon and in it's circuits he and Rhinox find the core consciousness of the old Dinobot (which as you will recall Dinobot downloaded in a previous episode). Rattrap gets obsessed with the idea that he can restore the old Dinobot by getting it into the new Dinobot's systems. Rhinox tells him this will probably not work, as a core consciousness without a spark is only an illusion of the person to whom it belonged. And if it didn't work, it just might give the Dinobot II all the old Dinobot's memory schematics and habits on the Maximals which could give the Preds and advantage. Optimus thus forbids the attempt. Rattrap defies this order, sneaks out and at much risk to himself, does manage to get the core consciousness in place. For a moment the old Dinobot does seem to emerge but as Rhinox warned he is only a shadow of his former self and must do everything he can to keep Dinobot II from regaining control of his body, a weird mental struggle which would have been fun to animate. The old Dinobot knows he is doomed to lose this struggle and tries to "sacrifice" himself again by infiltrating the Predacons and taking out Megatron before he can complete his master plan to destroy the Autobots that were in stasis in the Ark. It doesn't work and Dinobot II regains control of his body only to be blasted by Megatron. Rattrap comes to accept that his old pal is truly dead and realizes he cannot bring him back. However he honors his friends memory. (original post)
Paul: Yes!!!
Paul: That would have been cool!
Me: Clearly the episode with cave people building a super weapon was better.
Me: Be careful though you’re treading toward spoilers for the finale!!!
Me: The secret of Waspinator’s fate must be preserved.
Paul: Damn would that have made Dinobot II a much more fucking interesting character.
EPISODE 52: NEMESIS, PART 2
Paul: Anyways, last ep.
Paul: So wait the fourth season was canceled at the last moment?
Paul: Oh also this scripture stuff is bizarre!
Me: I haven’t read up on it in a while but I’m pretty sure that the first two seasons they didn’t know if they were renewed or not, so they intentionally ended on big cliffhangers, whereas in season 3 they were supposed to be renewed so Tarantulas’s secret origins and Tigerhawk were introduced real late, as well as Megatron’s dragon form, because they were supposed to feature more in season 4. There was also going to be a new character from the toy line brought into the show called Optimus Minor.
Me: The Nemesis story was going to be the season 3 finale and they were supposed to find three G1 Decepticons on board, Dirge, Ramjet, and Thrust, who would reactivate and fight the Maximals or something.
Me: Don’t know how much they had planned out but at the last minute Hasbro told them they were canceling the show and the toy line and firing the creative staff so they could make Beast Machines instead so they had to wrap everything up at the last minute.
Me: They did a pretty good job, besides stuff like Tarantulas being dropped and new forms being introduced at the last minute you wouldn’t be able to tell.
Me: Transformers mythology is a fucking rabbit hole.
Paul: hahaha
Paul: Okay.
Paul: So that one shot from Empire Strikes Back happened.
Paul: And happy end.
Paul: Happy ending for Waspinator!
Paul: Nice show.
Paul: That was a little rushed there but o well.
Me: What was the shot from Empire?
Paul: https://youtu.be/ETFNSVNQqfE?t=17
Me: https://youtube.com/watch?v=wcnnxsAjdDk
Paul: Haha that's right, they forgot to put his soul back oops.
Paul: So wait the fourth season was canceled at the last moment?
Paul: Oh also this scripture stuff is bizarre!
Me: I haven’t read up on it in a while but I’m pretty sure that the first two seasons they didn’t know if they were renewed or not, so they intentionally ended on big cliffhangers, whereas in season 3 they were supposed to be renewed so Tarantulas’s secret origins and Tigerhawk were introduced real late, as well as Megatron’s dragon form, because they were supposed to feature more in season 4. There was also going to be a new character from the toy line brought into the show called Optimus Minor.
Me: The Nemesis story was going to be the season 3 finale and they were supposed to find three G1 Decepticons on board, Dirge, Ramjet, and Thrust, who would reactivate and fight the Maximals or something.
Me: Don’t know how much they had planned out but at the last minute Hasbro told them they were canceling the show and the toy line and firing the creative staff so they could make Beast Machines instead so they had to wrap everything up at the last minute.
Me: They did a pretty good job, besides stuff like Tarantulas being dropped and new forms being introduced at the last minute you wouldn’t be able to tell.
Me: Transformers mythology is a fucking rabbit hole.
Paul: hahaha
Paul: Okay.
Paul: So that one shot from Empire Strikes Back happened.
Paul: And happy end.
Paul: Happy ending for Waspinator!
Paul: Nice show.
Paul: That was a little rushed there but o well.
Me: What was the shot from Empire?
Paul: https://youtu.be/ETFNSVNQqfE?t=17
Me: https://youtube.com/watch?v=wcnnxsAjdDk
Paul: Haha that's right, they forgot to put his soul back oops.
Sunday, October 4, 2020
Mad Megatron Beyond Cybertron
EPISODE 49: MASTER BLASTER
Paul: EP 49: MASTER BLASTER
Paul: WRITTEN BY not d c fontana oh well.
Paul: Dude, she like JUST died.
Paul: December 2, 2019.
Paul: Alright so um
Paul: Megatron immediately winds and sexually harasses Black Arachnia.
Paul: Cool.
Paul: So Megatron wants to gay-kiss Megatron, gotcha.
Paul: Duude the shit around his spar is gnarly AF.
Paul: Like, six layers of armor, an artichoke, and a tentacle.
Paul: Drop him in the lava, One Ring-style.
Paul: Quickstrike the murderous hillbilly from the Old West is growing on me as a character.
Paul: Wow this must have blown your mind as a kid.
Paul: I do like a little change, a little twist.
Paul: Then again p. sure he's not dead aha.
Paul: Megatron Rex's dumb, anyways, cuz original Optimus looks a lot fucking better than original Megatron.
Paul: Just better design.
Paul: He's gonna look like shit.
Paul: hahahaha a DRAGON??
Paul: That
Paul: makes no sense.
Paul: Also ice powers lol.
Paul: Hahaha awesome.
Paul: God fucking dammit, WHO are the builders aliens and WHEN do we see them?
Me: Next episoddddddddd.
Paul: Good!
Paul: Time for the big finale!
Me: We know from Skyrim that dragons can breathe either fire or ice.
Paul: Or just shout loud.
EPISODE 50: OTHER VICTORIES
Paul: hhahaa they're baaack!
Paul: Thank god Samurai and Smaller Gay Samurai are back in the picture.
Paul: And everybody was nice to them at the end, and they got a WELCOME HOME from Optimus!
Paul: Wow this is a lot better than that time corporate had them make a zombie Dinobot.
Paul: Also, things are coming to a close.
Paul: Cool.
Me: Now that all the characters have been introduced and achieved their final forms you can finally make your definitive ranking.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
A Fantastic and Spectacular Voyage… Through the Predacon Body… Into the Core Consciousness.
EPISODE 48: CROSSING THE RUBICON
Paul: Whhaaaaat ?????
Paul: Beast Wars...written by D C Fontana?
Paul: Black Arachnia desperately wants to change her body.
Paul: Is this the bulimia episode?
Paul: With all these men worrying about what’s going on inside a woman I’m getting serious Rosemary’s Baby vibes.
Paul: OMGGGGG
Paul: I’m getting TREMENDOUS Bones vines from Rhinox!!! The growling doctor talking about a risky medical procedure haha.
Paul: The only problem is... IT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE.
Paul: omg omg omg this is a treat.
Paul: And then she goes out under the moon to reflect on fate.
Paul: Awesome. I love character drama.
Paul: Ooooo “you’re only a predacon because of Tarantulus.”
Paul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQmzp-NA5PM
Paul: Haha Rattrap gets bullied by white knights.
Paul: It’s always such a hard question... who do I hate more, all men or all women?
Me: Most men or all women.
Paul: All men or most women.
Paul: Transmen or fallen women.
Paul: Unwed mothers or fuccboiz.
Me: #NotAllMen
Paul: #YesBlackArachnia
Paul: Dude this ep is chill.
Paul: I like having B A as the center of attention, it’s nice that she gets her own episode. Well I guess that’s happened before.
Paul: But it feels realer this time.
Me: She just had her own episode two episodes ago.
Paul: All the boys are worried and half are in love with her haha.
Paul: Though it doesn’t feel very Mary Sue somehow idk.
Paul: Ummm.
Paul: They’re sending a tiny blimp inside of her.
Me: Fantastic Voyage the evil right out of her.
Paul: Is this a sex ed video?
Paul: Never seen Fantastic Voyage.
Paul: Seems cool though.
Paul: Dude what is this episode.
Paul: Like, the Predacons actually attack for a real reason.
Paul: And we get the rubber ducky!!
Paul: But normally they just attack cuz.
Paul: Dude this ep rocks, she literally died.
Paul: And now the ALIEN ARTIFACT is glowing
Paul: with what I swear to god is a sound effect from TOS
Me: Maybe DC Fontana brought it with her.
Paul: She’s fucking cool though!
Paul: Oh dang now B A is COOL.
Paul: I want to see Silverbolt kill Tarantulus tho.
Me: Silverbolt is a beta.
Paul: BA: “Some crabs never know when to let go!” is this about the VD?
Paul: Haha
Paul: First half of ep was better than second half.
Me: It was an episode about women’s problems like body dysmorphia, venereal disease, and breast reduction.
Paul: Ah so it couldn’t help but be a little stupid got you.
Me: Only four episodes left!
Me: What will happen?
Paul: idk will I ever find out who these dumb aliens are what built this rock?
Paul: Are they the Talosians?
Paul: Was it the Talosians all along?
Paul: Beast Wars...written by D C Fontana?
Paul: Black Arachnia desperately wants to change her body.
Paul: Is this the bulimia episode?
Paul: With all these men worrying about what’s going on inside a woman I’m getting serious Rosemary’s Baby vibes.
Paul: OMGGGGG
Paul: I’m getting TREMENDOUS Bones vines from Rhinox!!! The growling doctor talking about a risky medical procedure haha.
Paul: The only problem is... IT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE.
Paul: omg omg omg this is a treat.
Paul: And then she goes out under the moon to reflect on fate.
Paul: Awesome. I love character drama.
Paul: Ooooo “you’re only a predacon because of Tarantulus.”
Paul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQmzp-NA5PM
Paul: Haha Rattrap gets bullied by white knights.
Paul: It’s always such a hard question... who do I hate more, all men or all women?
Me: Most men or all women.
Paul: All men or most women.
Paul: Transmen or fallen women.
Paul: Unwed mothers or fuccboiz.
Me: #NotAllMen
Paul: #YesBlackArachnia
Paul: Dude this ep is chill.
Paul: I like having B A as the center of attention, it’s nice that she gets her own episode. Well I guess that’s happened before.
Paul: But it feels realer this time.
Me: She just had her own episode two episodes ago.
Paul: All the boys are worried and half are in love with her haha.
Paul: Though it doesn’t feel very Mary Sue somehow idk.
Paul: Ummm.
Paul: They’re sending a tiny blimp inside of her.
Me: Fantastic Voyage the evil right out of her.
Paul: Is this a sex ed video?
Paul: Never seen Fantastic Voyage.
Paul: Seems cool though.
Paul: Dude what is this episode.
Paul: Like, the Predacons actually attack for a real reason.
Paul: And we get the rubber ducky!!
Paul: But normally they just attack cuz.
Paul: Dude this ep rocks, she literally died.
Paul: And now the ALIEN ARTIFACT is glowing
Paul: with what I swear to god is a sound effect from TOS
Me: Maybe DC Fontana brought it with her.
Paul: She’s fucking cool though!
Paul: Oh dang now B A is COOL.
Paul: I want to see Silverbolt kill Tarantulus tho.
Me: Silverbolt is a beta.
Paul: BA: “Some crabs never know when to let go!” is this about the VD?
Paul: Haha
Paul: First half of ep was better than second half.
Me: It was an episode about women’s problems like body dysmorphia, venereal disease, and breast reduction.
Paul: Ah so it couldn’t help but be a little stupid got you.
Me: Only four episodes left!
Me: What will happen?
Paul: idk will I ever find out who these dumb aliens are what built this rock?
Paul: Are they the Talosians?
Paul: Was it the Talosians all along?
Monday, September 28, 2020
Walking with Cavemen
EPISODE 47: GO WITH THE FLOW
Paul: Episode 47: Go with the Flow
Paul: A mountain's butthole is illuminated at night.
Paul: Then a spooky panther monster wanders around!!
Paul: Oh it's Cheetor.
Paul: The tiny ape kids are cool with Cheetor haha.
Paul: Then there are spiderbots everywhere.
Paul: And then...Cheetor teaches simple machines.
Paul: wut.
Paul: A mountain's butthole is illuminated at night.
Paul: Then a spooky panther monster wanders around!!
Paul: Oh it's Cheetor.
Paul: The tiny ape kids are cool with Cheetor haha.
Paul: Then there are spiderbots everywhere.
Paul: And then...Cheetor teaches simple machines.
Paul: wut.
Paul: Megatron has become a mad scientist as of late and is building his Nth superweapon.
Paul: He used to be a more ACTIVE husband
Paul: 2 me
Paul: His laser fucks up.
Paul: Oops.
Paul: "Aaah, yessss...my destructor ray will destroy them."
Paul: Then...the destructor ray destroys them.
Paul: Comedy gold as all the characters bounce around from ENERGON lightning.
Paul: Then the Maximals crash, and the strangest smoke effect I've ever seen shows up. It's completely incongruous with the animation style.
Paul: hehe
Paul: Hahahaha Megatron trying to direct the cave girl.
Paul: How long do I have to watch this cave girl fall in slow motion?
Paul: hahaha
Paul: FALLING OBJECTS ONCE AGAIN PROVEN THE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS ON EARTH.
Paul: Rattrap saves the day!
Paul: hahahahhahahaha
Paul: Una uses a lever to move a tuna!
Paul: OBLIGATORY DANGEROUS WATERFALL!
Paul: hahaha
Paul: She had pocketed the STABILIZER crystal.
Paul: Cool.
Paul: Yeah that's pretty good.
Me: Megatron’s most ingenious plan yet until his mind-control ray later this season.
Paul: He’s going downhill.
Paul: He used to be a more ACTIVE husband
Paul: 2 me
Paul: His laser fucks up.
Paul: Oops.
Paul: "Aaah, yessss...my destructor ray will destroy them."
Paul: Then...the destructor ray destroys them.
Paul: Comedy gold as all the characters bounce around from ENERGON lightning.
Paul: Then the Maximals crash, and the strangest smoke effect I've ever seen shows up. It's completely incongruous with the animation style.
Paul: hehe
Paul: Hahahaha Megatron trying to direct the cave girl.
Paul: How long do I have to watch this cave girl fall in slow motion?
Paul: hahaha
Paul: FALLING OBJECTS ONCE AGAIN PROVEN THE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS ON EARTH.
Paul: Rattrap saves the day!
Paul: hahahahhahahaha
Paul: Una uses a lever to move a tuna!
Paul: OBLIGATORY DANGEROUS WATERFALL!
Paul: hahaha
Paul: She had pocketed the STABILIZER crystal.
Paul: Cool.
Paul: Yeah that's pretty good.
Me: Megatron’s most ingenious plan yet until his mind-control ray later this season.
Paul: He’s going downhill.
Sunday, September 27, 2020
HOW IS ROBOT FORMED
EPISODE 46: PROVING GROUNDS
Paul: The episode begins with an ultrasound of Black Arachnia.
Paul: Yes why not.
Me: She pragnent.
Paul: She got a tiny fetus in her lol.
Paul: Dinobot the Embarrassment is randomly there to stalk her.
Paul: The fact that Bullshit Dinobot is a real character is endlessly disappointing to me.
Paul: haha
Paul: Rattrap is playing an N64.
Paul: Dinobot 2 has a dinosaur egg that shoots lasers. Yes.
Me: They already cloned him once before. The real Dinobot ate him.
Paul: A tree falls toward Dinobot. He steps out of the way.
Paul: Black Arachnia, realizing he can dodge falling objects, the deadliest thing by far in this series: “Uh-oh.”
Paul: Rattrap plays Doom !!
Paul: Emotions are had.
Paul: The end.
Paul: SHE DIDNT TRANSMETSL
Me: Transmetals are so season 2, it’s all about Transmetal 2s now.
Paul: Yes why not.
Me: She pragnent.
Paul: She got a tiny fetus in her lol.
Paul: Dinobot the Embarrassment is randomly there to stalk her.
Paul: The fact that Bullshit Dinobot is a real character is endlessly disappointing to me.
Paul: haha
Paul: Rattrap is playing an N64.
Paul: Dinobot 2 has a dinosaur egg that shoots lasers. Yes.
Me: They already cloned him once before. The real Dinobot ate him.
Paul: A tree falls toward Dinobot. He steps out of the way.
Paul: Black Arachnia, realizing he can dodge falling objects, the deadliest thing by far in this series: “Uh-oh.”
Paul: Rattrap plays Doom !!
Paul: Emotions are had.
Paul: The end.
Paul: SHE DIDNT TRANSMETSL
Me: Transmetals are so season 2, it’s all about Transmetal 2s now.
Saturday, September 26, 2020
Cheetor Stood Stone-Like at Midnight, Suspended in His Masquerade
EPISODE 45: FERAL SCREAM, PART 2
Me: Are you sad to be nearing the end of this great series?
Paul: Why would I be? I have so many other related great series to watch next -- Beast Machines, the live-action Animorphs...
Paul: O.
Paul: O shit.
Paul: Why would I be? I have so many other related great series to watch next -- Beast Machines, the live-action Animorphs...
Paul: O.
Paul: O shit.
Paul:
Paul: LAST TIME ON BEAST WARS
Paul: Everything I already saw.
Me: Is this FERAL SCREAM PART 2?
Paul: Yes.
Paul: Uuummmm.
Paul: Yet again Cheetor is having the shittiest dream.
Paul: Then morons into a spooky monster.
Paul: Morons = morphd.
Me: I Was a Teenage Were-Transformer
Paul: Haha
Paul: Hahahaha It got Cheetor.
Paul: Optimus Plane is so dumb looking.
Paul: Like comically large.
Me: Hahahaha
Me: Him having four transformations was a big selling point for the toy.
Paul: He’s twenty times bigger than Rattrap.
Paul: Oh shit.
Me: He was mutated by the power of Optimus Prime’s spark!
Paul: Relationship drama.
Paul: Ha yes.
Paul: Um.
Paul: Where the FUCK are Airrazor and Tigertron?!
Me: SPACE.
Paul: It’s been 20 episodes?
Paul: Oh did that happen? They went to space?
Paul: I forget.
Me: The alien flower shot them into space.
Paul: Wut.
Paul: In episode 10.
Paul: They’ve just been in space this whole time.
Me: Tigatron and Airazor are patrolling when, to their delight and surprise, they see a hint of plant life in the form of a drifting seed. They continue to Grid Zeiram, where they discover a clearing full of plant life, an area of natural beauty that wasn't destroyed by the alien attack. Airazor is intrigued by the unique forms of vegetation, so she transforms to get a scan. BIG MISTAKE. Tigatron also transforms. BIG MISTAKE. They both seem to be overcome by it all, and share a brief romantic moment. But as the pair cuddle up, tendrils begin to snake up behind them, and suddenly, the two Maximals are entangled. Amidst their screams, they link hands, telling each other that their sparks will always find each other. As they are abducted, Cheetor flies up and tries to rescue them, but to no avail. He screams in protest as he realises he has lost them.
Paul: The end.
Paul: Dinobot 2 is an embarrassment to the original.
Me: Airazor was made male for the Japanese dub of Beast Wars, but his relationship with Tigatron, up until now, was played platonically. Tigatron was dubbed as a comedic "samurai ronin" stereotype with Airazor being his young "ward" and the two shared a close bond that could be described as brotherly. Completely out of the blue at the beginning of this episode, with absolutely no build-up whatsoever in any of the previous episodes, Airazor begins amorously flirting with Tigatron, calling him petnames like "Ti-chan" and basically acting really, really gay. Tigatron responds to these flirtations with startled and embarrassed admonishments for Airazor to "knock it off" and "be quiet". Eventually, when they're both attacked by the vines, they share pretty much the same romantic dialogue as in the English version, expressing their love for one another. With their romantic relationship having not been established in any way prior to this episode, the "coming out" scene is incredibly random, awkward and bewildering.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Fuck Japan.
Paul: So D2 cuts Waspinator into ribbons.
Paul: Then O. P. turns into a gorilla again.
Paul: Cool.
Paul: Actually looks good.
Me: Doesn’t he eat a banana
Paul: Everything I already saw.
Me: Is this FERAL SCREAM PART 2?
Paul: Yes.
Paul: Uuummmm.
Paul: Yet again Cheetor is having the shittiest dream.
Paul: Then morons into a spooky monster.
Paul: Morons = morphd.
Me: I Was a Teenage Were-Transformer
Paul: Haha
Paul: Hahahaha It got Cheetor.
Paul: Optimus Plane is so dumb looking.
Paul: Like comically large.
Me: Hahahaha
Me: Him having four transformations was a big selling point for the toy.
Paul: He’s twenty times bigger than Rattrap.
Paul: Oh shit.
Me: He was mutated by the power of Optimus Prime’s spark!
Paul: Relationship drama.
Paul: Ha yes.
Paul: Um.
Paul: Where the FUCK are Airrazor and Tigertron?!
Me: SPACE.
Paul: It’s been 20 episodes?
Paul: Oh did that happen? They went to space?
Paul: I forget.
Me: The alien flower shot them into space.
Paul: Wut.
Paul: In episode 10.
Paul: They’ve just been in space this whole time.
Me: Tigatron and Airazor are patrolling when, to their delight and surprise, they see a hint of plant life in the form of a drifting seed. They continue to Grid Zeiram, where they discover a clearing full of plant life, an area of natural beauty that wasn't destroyed by the alien attack. Airazor is intrigued by the unique forms of vegetation, so she transforms to get a scan. BIG MISTAKE. Tigatron also transforms. BIG MISTAKE. They both seem to be overcome by it all, and share a brief romantic moment. But as the pair cuddle up, tendrils begin to snake up behind them, and suddenly, the two Maximals are entangled. Amidst their screams, they link hands, telling each other that their sparks will always find each other. As they are abducted, Cheetor flies up and tries to rescue them, but to no avail. He screams in protest as he realises he has lost them.
Paul: The end.
Paul: Dinobot 2 is an embarrassment to the original.
Me: Airazor was made male for the Japanese dub of Beast Wars, but his relationship with Tigatron, up until now, was played platonically. Tigatron was dubbed as a comedic "samurai ronin" stereotype with Airazor being his young "ward" and the two shared a close bond that could be described as brotherly. Completely out of the blue at the beginning of this episode, with absolutely no build-up whatsoever in any of the previous episodes, Airazor begins amorously flirting with Tigatron, calling him petnames like "Ti-chan" and basically acting really, really gay. Tigatron responds to these flirtations with startled and embarrassed admonishments for Airazor to "knock it off" and "be quiet". Eventually, when they're both attacked by the vines, they share pretty much the same romantic dialogue as in the English version, expressing their love for one another. With their romantic relationship having not been established in any way prior to this episode, the "coming out" scene is incredibly random, awkward and bewildering.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Fuck Japan.
Paul: So D2 cuts Waspinator into ribbons.
Paul: Then O. P. turns into a gorilla again.
Paul: Cool.
Paul: Actually looks good.
Me: Doesn’t he eat a banana
Paul: And now Waspinator is just
Paul: just fine again.
Paul: Haha
Paul: Cheetor is now a burly twenty-something!
Paul: Hahaha
Paul: But still ridiculous.
Paul: He’s sooo cool.
Me: He has an edgy goatee now.
Paul: Um.
Paul: Speaking of last-minute gay.
Paul: Optimus the father figure commingles his spark with Cheetor’s to set him free from his breast self.
Paul: Beast.
Paul: And now Cheetor is embarrassed haha.
Paul: Also my phone now has Cheetor in its spellcheck dictionary...
Paul: just fine again.
Paul: Haha
Paul: Cheetor is now a burly twenty-something!
Paul: Hahaha
Paul: But still ridiculous.
Paul: He’s sooo cool.
Me: He has an edgy goatee now.
Paul: Um.
Paul: Speaking of last-minute gay.
Paul: Optimus the father figure commingles his spark with Cheetor’s to set him free from his breast self.
Paul: Beast.
Paul: And now Cheetor is embarrassed haha.
Paul: Also my phone now has Cheetor in its spellcheck dictionary...
Me:
Paul: I can’t wait for Black Arachnia’s new bod.
Me: Next episode is about her I think.
Paul: omg yes
Thursday, September 24, 2020
Gods and Monsters
EPISODE 44: FERAL SCREAM, PART 1
Paul: Okay so
Paul: um
Paul: Megatron is quoting the Tempest??
Paul: Idk it sounded like Billy Shakes.
Paul: And he's going to Frankenstein clone Dinobot!!
Paul: haha
Paul: k.
Me: Waspinator is Fritz/Igor for no reason.
Paul: Yes!!
Paul: That's pretty funny.
Paul: I like the classic 30' lightning rod as well.
Me: Transmetal 2 Dinobot is so cool.
Me: I had the toy of him.
Paul: He seems to be a mindless brute.
Paul: Man, this might be an even nastier thing to do to a character than dropping them in lava and never speaking of them again.
Me: Hahaha
Me: He has a laser monocle!
Paul: Um Cheetor was knocked into the science machine and died.
Paul: Died the way he lived: being a dumbass.
Paul: More likely he has a new Transmetal form haha.
Me: Look hotheaded teens make bad decisions.
Me: Fact of life no matter what planet you’re from.
Paul: Even Aximili Esgarroth Isthil.
Paul: Black Spidernia caught the magic beach ball before it fell into the volcano!!
Paul: I LIKE having a dubious schemer with the Maximals.
Paul: Hahaha now Cheeotr is the Black Panther!
Paul: Daang.
Paul: And he's SUPER STRONG.
Paul: Except Cheetor then shows up at the end.
Me: No that’s an unrelated monster that happened to show up after Cheetor disappears.
Paul: what.
Paul: Dang it, I wanted Cheetor to get badass.
Paul: It's Cheetor DARK HALF.
Me: Cheetor must overcome his Jungian shadow-self.
Paul: um
Paul: Megatron is quoting the Tempest??
Paul: Idk it sounded like Billy Shakes.
Paul: And he's going to Frankenstein clone Dinobot!!
Paul: haha
Paul: k.
Me: Waspinator is Fritz/Igor for no reason.
Paul: Yes!!
Paul: That's pretty funny.
Paul: I like the classic 30' lightning rod as well.
Me: Transmetal 2 Dinobot is so cool.
Me: I had the toy of him.
Paul: He seems to be a mindless brute.
Paul: Man, this might be an even nastier thing to do to a character than dropping them in lava and never speaking of them again.
Me: Hahaha
Me: He has a laser monocle!
Paul: Um Cheetor was knocked into the science machine and died.
Paul: Died the way he lived: being a dumbass.
Paul: More likely he has a new Transmetal form haha.
Me: Look hotheaded teens make bad decisions.
Me: Fact of life no matter what planet you’re from.
Paul: Even Aximili Esgarroth Isthil.
Paul: Black Spidernia caught the magic beach ball before it fell into the volcano!!
Paul: I LIKE having a dubious schemer with the Maximals.
Paul: Hahaha now Cheeotr is the Black Panther!
Paul: Daang.
Paul: And he's SUPER STRONG.
Paul: Except Cheetor then shows up at the end.
Me: No that’s an unrelated monster that happened to show up after Cheetor disappears.
Paul: what.
Paul: Dang it, I wanted Cheetor to get badass.
Paul: It's Cheetor DARK HALF.
Me: Cheetor must overcome his Jungian shadow-self.
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
There He Is, My Little Guy
EPISODE 43: CUTTING EDGE
Paul: Episode 43
Paul: CUTTING EDGE
Paul: haha
Paul: hahahahahahaha
Paul: Holy shit.
Paul: Where do I start?
Paul: Okay so in the first 3 minutes
Paul: early man is as ugly as fuck and picking flowers, then is ATTACKED by a ROBOT DINOSAUR.
Paul: Then the dinosaur has LASER EYE-BEAMS.
Paul: Then it tries to EAT THE KIDS and the little girl screams for a solid hour.
Paul: And they it is defeated by the Maximals and also the ancient Beastwarian custom of a comical rock comically falling on somebody.
Paul: I never knew ancient Earth had so many structurally unsound rock formations!
Paul: jesus chriiiiiiiist
Me: There he is my little guy
Me: Isn’t he cute
Paul: The new dinobots?
Paul: Sexual harassment lol
Paul: Fucking Cheetor haha.
Me: It’s ok they’re robots, they don’t really have gender.
Paul: Cheetor wants to get her to cheaaattt.
Paul: Also he's goony af.
Paul: As flan.
Paul: Um also the only woman got the childcare job, hahaha.
Paul: CUTTING EDGE
Paul: haha
Paul: hahahahahahaha
Paul: Holy shit.
Paul: Where do I start?
Paul: Okay so in the first 3 minutes
Paul: early man is as ugly as fuck and picking flowers, then is ATTACKED by a ROBOT DINOSAUR.
Paul: Then the dinosaur has LASER EYE-BEAMS.
Paul: Then it tries to EAT THE KIDS and the little girl screams for a solid hour.
Paul: And they it is defeated by the Maximals and also the ancient Beastwarian custom of a comical rock comically falling on somebody.
Paul: I never knew ancient Earth had so many structurally unsound rock formations!
Paul: jesus chriiiiiiiist
Me: There he is my little guy
Me: Isn’t he cute
Paul: The new dinobots?
Paul: Sexual harassment lol
Paul: Fucking Cheetor haha.
Me: It’s ok they’re robots, they don’t really have gender.
Paul: Cheetor wants to get her to cheaaattt.
Paul: Also he's goony af.
Paul: As flan.
Paul: Um also the only woman got the childcare job, hahaha.
Paul: I love Megatron's fucking voice.
Paul: Did that actor do anything else?
Me: He’s read Star Trek audiobooks!
Paul: ?!
Paul: Cry 'Havoc!,' and let slip the dogs of war!
Paul: Hahahaha!
Paul: Jesus crhsit this guy
Paul: Was he a Shakespearean actor?
Me: He and Optimus Primal also did the voices for Megatron and Optimus Prime in the three follow-up unrelated Transformers anime dubs.
Me: Idk I think he just does general voiceover work.
Paul: Lol Megatron uses the distraction created by the exterior attack to draw ppl away from the base and take it.
Paul: I have wondered why he hasn't done this...only every episode.
Paul: Quickstrike is an awful character.
Paul: Well really, at this point the designs are all equally hideous.
Paul: Okay he is punched by a comically large metal fist booby trap.
Paul: Then stars float around his head...
Paul: I viscerally hate America.
Paul: The stars are ANIMATED in 3D.
Paul: God.
Me: It’s a cartoon!
Paul: There he is my little guy
Paul: Isn't he cute
Paul: What is that?
Paul: haha
Paul: Cartoons are satanic.
Me: I have no idea
Paul: That's awesome though.
Paul: What a fucking random thing to say.
Paul: All the random for being so boring.
Paul: And then...ATTACK THE CYBER CONTROLS.
Paul: THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE VULNERABLE.
Paul: Of course.
Paul: ha
Paul: The Cheetor love thing is physcially painful to me.
Me: Bruh have you seen her polygons.
Me: Dammmmmmn.
Me: Dinobot was Piccolo on DBZ.
Paul: Hahahahahaha
Paul: Who else could he have been?
Paul: Did that actor do anything else?
Me: He’s read Star Trek audiobooks!
Paul: ?!
Paul: Cry 'Havoc!,' and let slip the dogs of war!
Paul: Hahahaha!
Paul: Jesus crhsit this guy
Paul: Was he a Shakespearean actor?
Me: He and Optimus Primal also did the voices for Megatron and Optimus Prime in the three follow-up unrelated Transformers anime dubs.
Me: Idk I think he just does general voiceover work.
Paul: Lol Megatron uses the distraction created by the exterior attack to draw ppl away from the base and take it.
Paul: I have wondered why he hasn't done this...only every episode.
Paul: Quickstrike is an awful character.
Paul: Well really, at this point the designs are all equally hideous.
Paul: Okay he is punched by a comically large metal fist booby trap.
Paul: Then stars float around his head...
Paul: I viscerally hate America.
Paul: The stars are ANIMATED in 3D.
Paul: God.
Me: It’s a cartoon!
Paul: There he is my little guy
Paul: Isn't he cute
Paul: What is that?
Paul: haha
Paul: Cartoons are satanic.
Me: I have no idea
Paul: That's awesome though.
Paul: What a fucking random thing to say.
Paul: All the random for being so boring.
Paul: And then...ATTACK THE CYBER CONTROLS.
Paul: THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE VULNERABLE.
Paul: Of course.
Paul: ha
Paul: The Cheetor love thing is physcially painful to me.
Me: Bruh have you seen her polygons.
Me: Dammmmmmn.
Me: Dinobot was Piccolo on DBZ.
Paul: Hahahahahaha
Paul: Who else could he have been?
Tuesday, September 22, 2020
Sphere
EPISODE 42: CHANGING OF THE GUARD
Paul: Watching this show and realizing this whole half-assed creepy chintzy toy line was a Japanese invention, I find a new appreciation for Blade Runner.
Paul: They really were terrifying.
Me: The original car/plane Transformers were Japanese. Not sure but I think Beast Wars was an “Xtreme 90s” American invention.
Me: At the very least it was the only time they had animal Transformers headlining the franchise, then they went back to cars/planes and the cartoons were all terrible animes.
Paul: Idk man Optimus Primal is now simply a jet.
Paul: He went from gorilla to gorilla with jets to simply a jet.
Paul: Yeah I watched a tiny bit of the original TF and it sucked.
Me: He still has a gorilla form there’s just no practical reason for him to ever use it so I think you only see it once.
Me: 80s TF cartoon is my favorite toy commercial.
Me: Like 40 characters on each side and the only interesting ones are Optimus Prime, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, and the Dinobots.
Paul: Oh were there Dinobots in the original?
Me: They were robotic dinosaurs, not realistic looking like BW Dinobot.
Paul: Haha
Paul: Did they SAVE MAN?
Me: They were also [exceptional individuals] because the Autobots designed them based on real dinosaurs.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Hahahahahaha
Paul: As attack-dogs?
Me: They saved the Autobots multiple times because they were the biggest and strongest even though Optimus Prime wanted to euthanize them for being too stupid and violent.
Me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-aTbHsZJ9g
Paul: rattrap go in ball
Paul: find spaceship!
Paul: I was hoping for a sea monster instead of Rampage.
Paul: I have thalassophobia and was nervous throughout the whole underwater sequence.
Paul: I love/hate deep sea stuff.
Paul: Dude, have you played Subnautica?
Paul: Holy fucking shit.
Me: I played BIOSHOCK.
Me: But I haven’t seen THE ABYSS.
Paul: Bioshock was good.
Paul: Abyss was meh.
Me: Dude maybe Rampage is the monsters.
Me: “Water: it’s fucking scary!” — Mr. Plinkett
Paul: DEPTH CHARGE has a LASER KNIFE!
Paul: WOOw
Paul: Poor Waspinator lol.
Paul: He just wants a vacation.
Paul: Dude if I were writing this show
Paul: I'd have Optimus Primal be nice to Waspinator, and Waspinator decide the outcome of the final battle by switching sides.
Paul: I still cannot FUCKING believe that they killed Terrorsaur and Scorponok without a WORD.
Paul: Whaaaaaaaat?!
Paul: Just, so weird.
Paul: Inferno goes the macguffin using the secret power of all ants: a tree.
Paul: HAHA??E
Paul: Rattrap uses a fucking CYBER FISHING ROD to save the day.
Paul: Oh it was his tail.
Paul: Apparently.
Paul: So 90's.
Paul: Well now Depth Charge is on the team.
Paul: Him and his fucking gun shaped like a shark.
Paul: I would've preferred a shark who talked like a pirate and was named "Loose Cannon."
Me: Depth Charge is a loner who has to learn to work as part of a team.
Paul: They really were terrifying.
Me: The original car/plane Transformers were Japanese. Not sure but I think Beast Wars was an “Xtreme 90s” American invention.
Me: At the very least it was the only time they had animal Transformers headlining the franchise, then they went back to cars/planes and the cartoons were all terrible animes.
Paul: Idk man Optimus Primal is now simply a jet.
Paul: He went from gorilla to gorilla with jets to simply a jet.
Paul: Yeah I watched a tiny bit of the original TF and it sucked.
Me: He still has a gorilla form there’s just no practical reason for him to ever use it so I think you only see it once.
Me: 80s TF cartoon is my favorite toy commercial.
Me: Like 40 characters on each side and the only interesting ones are Optimus Prime, Megatron, Starscream, Soundwave, and the Dinobots.
Paul: Oh were there Dinobots in the original?
Me: They were robotic dinosaurs, not realistic looking like BW Dinobot.
Paul: Haha
Paul: Did they SAVE MAN?
Me: They were also [exceptional individuals] because the Autobots designed them based on real dinosaurs.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Hahahahahaha
Paul: As attack-dogs?
Me: They saved the Autobots multiple times because they were the biggest and strongest even though Optimus Prime wanted to euthanize them for being too stupid and violent.
Me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-aTbHsZJ9g
Paul: rattrap go in ball
Paul: find spaceship!
Paul: I was hoping for a sea monster instead of Rampage.
Paul: I have thalassophobia and was nervous throughout the whole underwater sequence.
Paul: I love/hate deep sea stuff.
Paul: Dude, have you played Subnautica?
Paul: Holy fucking shit.
Me: I played BIOSHOCK.
Me: But I haven’t seen THE ABYSS.
Paul: Bioshock was good.
Paul: Abyss was meh.
Me: Dude maybe Rampage is the monsters.
Me: “Water: it’s fucking scary!” — Mr. Plinkett
Paul: DEPTH CHARGE has a LASER KNIFE!
Paul: WOOw
Paul: Poor Waspinator lol.
Paul: He just wants a vacation.
Paul: Dude if I were writing this show
Paul: I'd have Optimus Primal be nice to Waspinator, and Waspinator decide the outcome of the final battle by switching sides.
Paul: I still cannot FUCKING believe that they killed Terrorsaur and Scorponok without a WORD.
Paul: Whaaaaaaaat?!
Paul: Just, so weird.
Paul: Inferno goes the macguffin using the secret power of all ants: a tree.
Paul: HAHA??E
Paul: Rattrap uses a fucking CYBER FISHING ROD to save the day.
Paul: Oh it was his tail.
Paul: Apparently.
Paul: So 90's.
Paul: Well now Depth Charge is on the team.
Paul: Him and his fucking gun shaped like a shark.
Paul: I would've preferred a shark who talked like a pirate and was named "Loose Cannon."
Me: Depth Charge is a loner who has to learn to work as part of a team.
Monday, September 21, 2020
The Abyss
EPISODE 31: DEEP METAL
Paul: Ep. 41 DEEP METAL
Paul: They will go underwater?
Paul: Awesome.
Paul: I love underwater shit.
Paul: Also dinosaurs will fight humans.
Paul: Aka ape-bros.
Me: Depth Charge is a cool character but not sure he listens to enough thrash metal.
Paul: A wasp-looking guy shows up
Paul: and falls into a Sario Rip.
Paul: What is Depth Charge?
Paul: Some kind of bad-ass fish??
Paul: His spaceship has taken like an hour to crash.
Paul: Meanwhile Inferno is commically hit w/ rokk!!
Paul: It crashes in the sea.
Paul: So a crab and a fish can fight!
Paul: Hardcore.
Paul: Oh it's a BAD-ASS MANTA RAY!!
Paul: Hahahaha
Paul: It can LAUNCH A SHARK.
Paul: Also it can fly.
Paul: Is Depth Charge the new edgy Maximal, now that Dinobot is dead?
Paul: Bahaha
Paul: His fucking backstory oh god.
Paul: Rattrap: "Who is this herring?"
Paul: Yessss.
Paul: Rattrap: "Soooo he's got a lot of angst."
Paul: Hahahaha!!
Paul: "What's with him?" Rattrap: "Eh, probably rushed."
Paul: The best!
Paul: Then spaceship blow up.
Paul: What WILL DEATH CARRIAGE DO
Paul: Will he KILL RAMPAPE?
Paul: Will he DIE?
Paul: Or will he fight to a draw as always and then stick around to sell toyz?
Paul: These damn Japanese have ruined America.
Paul: They will go underwater?
Paul: Awesome.
Paul: I love underwater shit.
Paul: Also dinosaurs will fight humans.
Paul: Aka ape-bros.
Me: Depth Charge is a cool character but not sure he listens to enough thrash metal.
Paul: A wasp-looking guy shows up
Paul: and falls into a Sario Rip.
Paul: What is Depth Charge?
Paul: Some kind of bad-ass fish??
Paul: His spaceship has taken like an hour to crash.
Paul: Meanwhile Inferno is commically hit w/ rokk!!
Paul: It crashes in the sea.
Paul: So a crab and a fish can fight!
Paul: Hardcore.
Paul: Oh it's a BAD-ASS MANTA RAY!!
Paul: Hahahaha
Paul: It can LAUNCH A SHARK.
Paul: Also it can fly.
Paul: Is Depth Charge the new edgy Maximal, now that Dinobot is dead?
Paul: Bahaha
Paul: His fucking backstory oh god.
Paul: Rattrap: "Who is this herring?"
Paul: Yessss.
Paul: Rattrap: "Soooo he's got a lot of angst."
Paul: Hahahaha!!
Paul: "What's with him?" Rattrap: "Eh, probably rushed."
Paul: The best!
Paul: Then spaceship blow up.
Paul: What WILL DEATH CARRIAGE DO
Paul: Will he KILL RAMPAPE?
Paul: Will he DIE?
Paul: Or will he fight to a draw as always and then stick around to sell toyz?
Paul: These damn Japanese have ruined America.
Saturday, August 8, 2020
Optimal Optimus
EPISODE 40: OPTIMAL SITUATION
Paul: Welp.
Paul: O.P. has a new body. Yet again.
Paul: And then Rattrap makes fun of the speed with which they keep changing bodies.
Paul: When Megatron blew up O G O P, I was really wondering how they were going to get themselves out of this mess this time.
Paul: And now there’s a new base. Yay.
Me: I think at the end of season 2 they didn't know if they were coming back for a third season or not so they decided to kill everyone off just in case.
Me: Hence Inferno being fine despite being disintegrated by a PowerPoint dissolve effect last episode.
Me: Just like Master Asia!
Paul: I wondered about that.
Paul: Is 1999’s Beast Machines season 3?
Paul: Or have I already started season 3?
Me: Yes season 2 ended with Megatron killing Optimus Prime.
Me: Just like Mike Stoklasa watching Best of Both Worlds, you got the see the resolution to the three-month cliffhanger in a few minutes.
Paul: That's pretty good.
Paul: I mean, I'm liking Beast Wars and I think it's good TV.
Paul: But I really prefer astonishing, excellent, or transcendant TV. TV so good it probably shouldn't be on TV.
Paul: So far I'm like, 7.
Me: Well it's a cartoon for like 5-year-olds.
Paul: Yes probably mind-blowing at that age.
Paul: I like it.
Paul: It reminds me of Animorphs in more ways than one.
Paul: The war storyline, the animal transformation and coming to grips with that, the comically evil bad guy.
Paul: And the quality.
Paul: Is Beast Machines good?
Me: It is a good show, but a terrible sequel to Beast Wars.
Me: It's a great source of cognitive dissonance because you like seeing all the returning characters voiced by the same actors again but they're all horribly out of character because Hasbro had the Beast Machines people get started without having seen Beast Wars.
Me: As its own show it might even edge out BW in some ways because it's more heavily serialized and thematically coherent.
Me: The themes are like transhumanism and Zen balance though so it's kind of weird.
Me: Also the music is worse, the character models are ugly, and it doesn't have BW's subversive/self-aware/adult humor.
Me: The worst part is the butchered characterization though, everything else would be endurable if it wasn't for that.
Me: The writing is good and it has some pretty cool parts but it's pretty dour.
Paul: I watched part of an episode and that is the vibe I got.
Paul: Hum
Paul: Really, not fun enough? BW is pretty fun.
Paul: Hum that’s the one with the ME3 ending?
Me: Yeah tonally it's a lot darker, instead of evenly matched teams of good guys and bad guys it starts with the bad guys already in power and the Maximals have to wage a guerrilla war against a techno-fascist regime obsessed with racial purity.
Me: Everyone's depressed and there's not much humor.
Paul: Hm.
Paul: That
Paul: uh
Paul: that just sounds like late Animorphs.
Paul: Does the story have anything to do with the events of Beast Wars at all?
Paul: They were on Cybertron in the clip I saw.
Me: Hasbro probably gave them a written summary or something.
Me: I know the BM writers hadn't seen BW when they started.
Me: In the second season they tried to tie it in more.
Paul: Hahaha is just like the BW people with the original Transformers.
Paul: That was a cool tie-in though.
Thursday, August 6, 2020
The Agenda
EPISODE 36: TRANSMUTATE
Paul: Jesus Christ.
Paul: This episode is giving me the fucking creeps.
Paul: What an episode jeez.
Paul: So how many Transmutate toys did they sell?
EPISODE 37: THE AGENDA, PART 1
Paul: The Agenda - Part 1/3
Paul: Rattrap is trying to convince Silverbolt to go to a strip club where the robots are without their “torso plates.”
Paul: This is honestly great.
Me: Brah I love Transmutate, what a great episode.
Me: Love to see my heroes deciding to euthanize a [exceptional individual] in a kids show.
Paul: A [exceptional] CHILD
Me: Also the only episode that gives any depth to Rampage.
Paul: Yes.
Paul: That was legit interesting.
Me: Optimus is like I don't have time to deal with this shit, just put a pillow over its face.
Paul: Omg Black Arachnia and Dilbervolt’s relationship is like progressing!!!
Paul: 2nd base at least!
Paul: Um did Air Razor and Tigertron die?
Me: They got written off cuz they sucked.
Me: They'll be back.
Paul: I don’t understand how Black Arachnia and Silverbolt are doing it while the wild couple is still just holding hands. Would’ve expected the opposite.
Paul: It’s just like high school again.
Paul: I wonder what would have happened with Terry Schaivo if she had been able to scream people energy at people.
Paul: Omg the Predacon spy is a RUSSIAN TIGER.
Me: This is some Cold War Red Scare boomer shit.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Damn they captured Megatron!!
Me: Love to see my heroes deciding to euthanize a [exceptional individual] in a kids show.
Paul: A [exceptional] CHILD
Me: Also the only episode that gives any depth to Rampage.
Paul: Yes.
Paul: That was legit interesting.
Me: Optimus is like I don't have time to deal with this shit, just put a pillow over its face.
Paul: Omg Black Arachnia and Dilbervolt’s relationship is like progressing!!!
Paul: 2nd base at least!
Paul: Um did Air Razor and Tigertron die?
Me: They got written off cuz they sucked.
Me: They'll be back.
Paul: I don’t understand how Black Arachnia and Silverbolt are doing it while the wild couple is still just holding hands. Would’ve expected the opposite.
Paul: It’s just like high school again.
Paul: I wonder what would have happened with Terry Schaivo if she had been able to scream people energy at people.
Paul: Omg the Predacon spy is a RUSSIAN TIGER.
Me: This is some Cold War Red Scare boomer shit.
Paul: Hahahahaha
Paul: Damn they captured Megatron!!
EPISODE 38: THE AGENDA, PART 2
Paul: Now it’s time for spy games.
Paul: Optimus got an office. Nice.
Paul: Hahaha!! Tarantulus was a mole!
Paul: Um did Inferno die?
Paul: Welp.
Paul: What a psycho. Great voice actor.
Paul: I wish he had had more of an arc.
Paul: OMG haha it plays the stupid Transformers sound effect and he turns into a cassette tape.
Paul: I am liking this 3-parter.
Me: DECEPTICONS FOREVER
Me: You may remember him as this character from the original cartoon.
Me:
Paul: He’s Boombox?
Me: He's one of the several cassettes that go inside Boombox.
EPISODE 39: THE AGENDA, PART 3
Paul: Um so to destroy the Maximal ship they’re going to use a comically outsized missile??
Me: They need it for the Dr. Strangelove reference.
Paul: YESSS I NOTICED THAT
Paul: Disappointed Ravage went out like a bitch though.
Me: DECEPTICONS FOREVER
Me: HAIL MOTHER CYBERTRON
Paul: They really have completely forgotten that Airrazor and Tigetron exist.
Paul: Yeah that really sucks that he died so fast.
Paul: Okay but it is ancient Earth.
Paul: And um Megatron I wrote a message on the Voyager disk? Awfully convenient.
Paul: And um they’re in the past... so the Autobot so is still in the volcano?
Paul: That’s pretty nuts.
Paul: That’s a cool twist
Paul: “Die-cast construction. It’s a lost art.”
Paul: Ha
Paul: They lost.
Me: What a melancholy conclusion.
Me: https://tfwiki.net/wiki/Die-cast
Me: "Oh yeah, scoutin the enemy. Find any new positions?"
Paul: That was pretty enjoyable as well. That was great. That and the topless robot restaurant.
Paul: I like the “adult” jokes.
Paul: This show really is a lot like Animorphs.
Paul: In certain ways. Perhaps Animorphs was more vocal on certain points where Transformers is subtle.
Me: They need it for the Dr. Strangelove reference.
Paul: YESSS I NOTICED THAT
Paul: Disappointed Ravage went out like a bitch though.
Me: DECEPTICONS FOREVER
Me: HAIL MOTHER CYBERTRON
Paul: They really have completely forgotten that Airrazor and Tigetron exist.
Paul: Yeah that really sucks that he died so fast.
Paul: Okay but it is ancient Earth.
Paul: And um Megatron I wrote a message on the Voyager disk? Awfully convenient.
Paul: And um they’re in the past... so the Autobot so is still in the volcano?
Paul: That’s pretty nuts.
Paul: That’s a cool twist
Paul: “Die-cast construction. It’s a lost art.”
Paul: Ha
Paul: They lost.
Me: What a melancholy conclusion.
Me: https://tfwiki.net/wiki/Die-cast
Me: "Oh yeah, scoutin the enemy. Find any new positions?"
Paul: That was pretty enjoyable as well. That was great. That and the topless robot restaurant.
Paul: I like the “adult” jokes.
Paul: This show really is a lot like Animorphs.
Paul: In certain ways. Perhaps Animorphs was more vocal on certain points where Transformers is subtle.
Paul:
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