LET IT BE CALLED BEAST WARS

 EPISODE 2: BEAST WARS, PART 2

Paul: Dinobot's magnificent samurai honor very honorable.

Paul: I just sat through 35 straight seconds of fucking everybody on the team going TERRORIZE

Paul: The next shot is Ratrap's beautiful reaction:

Paul: I like that the Energon is continually in play instead of just a throwaway line justifying everybody being cheetahs.

Me: Yes in the original series it was just a macguffin so the Autobots and Decepticons had a reason to fight each other, in BW it is more important to the plot.

Paul: I hope you enjoyed that twin angel Shinji-Asuka training episode because it's one of the few funny ones okay.

Paul: Everything else is pain.

Me: IF I MUST DIE I SHALL TAKE YOU WITH ME. 

Paul: They built Stonehenge.

Paul: Fucking Stonehenge haha.

Paul: Idk this doesn't look like Britain to me.

Paul: Then again, there were tons of megalithic structures all over.

Paul: Korea has some, France too. 

Me: There were gorillas in medieval Britain I think.

Paul: I'm thinking North Africa.

Paul: The Atlas Mountains.

Paul: Or the Guyana Highlands!

Me: There's a comedy episode coming up where Rhinox can't stop farting where I think you get a brief look of their location from orbit.
 
Paul: Hahahahahaha

Paul: I'm xxxxcited!

Paul: It's a genius piece of stagecraft to have the terrorize voices of Waspinator and Terrordactyl be as annoying as possible.

Me: They squawk and buzz like their real life animal counterparts presumably would.
 
Paul: T-Rex versus Gorilla...did Peter Jackson rip this off?

Paul: Or did King Kong fight a T-Rex in the '30s movies?

Me: He fights a T-Rex in every movie. 

Me: In Peter Jackson he fought like three of them!

Me: It makes sense, T-Rex and gorilla are natural enemies after all. 

Paul:

Paul: r u sure.

Me: I promise at the end of the first season it gets good.

Me: Then 2 and 3 are awesome.

Me: But you have to suffer through character development and world building first!!! 

Paul: LET IT BE CALLED BEAST WARS

EPISODE 3: THE WEB

Paul: Episode 3: "The Web" begins with a long shot of 1994 CGI scenery, a metaphor for the World Wide Web.

Me: So many questions to be answered! Who built the Standing Stones? What is this planet and why does it have two moons? Why did Megatron steal the Golden Disk? Can Dinobot be trusted? What became of the jettisoned stasis pods?

Paul: This robot's ass is literally just some hinges

Paul: Yeah the stasis pods were a good "seed" as K.A. Applegate calls them.

Paul: I'm liking Rhinox as the dour old techie

Paul: who is a super pessimist.

Paul: Yeah, already you can tell that the writers weren't asleep for this show. Things have been pretty tight.

Paul: All in spite of the absolutely painfully ridiculous premise.

Paul: Like, which comes from dumb children's toys.

Paul: Not a "ridiculous" premise, I guess all scifi is ridiculous. I think a more precise term would be "stupid."

Me: IF WE'RE TALKING UNNATURAL LIFEFORMS WE GOTTA BE TALKING ABOUT JUST ONE THING: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!!

Paul: Yes I remember that line.

Paul: Jeez, this Cheetar sure is a loose cannon!

Paul: What a cocky kid!

Paul: Now he's having elaborate dream sequences that explain his deepest fears: robots shaped like spiders.

Paul: Honestly that was a cool dream sequence.

Paul: This show is so ugly you'd better never make me watch Reboot.

Me: It was made by the same company!

Me: I never watched Reboot, that was Ben's show.

Me: But in season two almost all the characters get redesigns and look much better

Paul: Lol Tarantulabot has his own torture cave.

Paul: "You're once space-happy spider."

Me: He doesn't have any real blood, just mech fluid.

Paul: "It's the act I enjoy most."

Paul: Give my regards to the inferno!!!

Paul: That's very literary.

Paul: So...Megatron died, right?

Paul: In episode 2?

Me: No he's fine.

Me: They're all robots, they can be rebuilt.

Paul: Hahaha man, that Ratstrap is a goof ball.

Paul: He saved cheetah's life!

Me: I hope Cheetor learns to slow down and think before he acts, he could get into a lot of trouble

Paul: See like

Paul: I bet he fucking won't though.

Paul: Also annoyed how they fight a Predacon and then like there are no consequences.

Paul: It's as if it were a Saturday morning cartoon.

Paul: Wait so the "Web" was...a web? That sucked out Cheetar's energy and now we'll never see it again?

Paul: I thought this was arc storytelling or whatever.

Me: But this episode established Tarantulas's underground sex dungeon which will be a recurring location!

Paul: Hahaha great.

Paul: Thank God for that.

Paul: I'm going to make you watch Evangelion's creator's earlier work, Nadia and the Secret of Blue Water.

Paul: 20, episodes of plot, then everybody is shipwrecked on a desert island WHERE THEY STAY FOR 25 EPISODES OF COMIC FILLER, then 5 episodes to wrap up the plot.

EPISODE 4: EQUAL MEASURES

Paul: Okay so all these robots go behind Optimus Primal's back all the damn time.

Paul: Just wait until after the storm to plant your fucking bomb, dipshits.

Paul: Okay now there is a teleporter.

Paul: And pterrordactyl and dinobot will rule the world.

Paul: That was a quick re-betrayal.

Paul: Lol nvm.

Paul: He gassed the terrordactyl.

Paul: And shot him into the energon storm that everybody has implied is fatal so I’m sure he’s canonically dead.

Paul: If he shows up again with his screechy fucking voice I’ll be disappointed.

Paul: Okay that’s a good twist; that the energon is under both bases. I kind of thought that might be the twist though.

Paul: The data disk is...a floppy. Hahaha

Me: Welcome... TO THE DARK SIDE.

Me: I always thought he was doing like a thing but apparently the name of the Predacon ship is now canonically the Darksyde.

Paul: Mergatroid isn’t sure if he wants Cheetos to disarm the bomb. Chiitar responds “Come on, you’d rather be VAPED?”

Paul: He predicted vaping...then did nothing to stop it. Hang him.

Paul: Darksyde? Fuck the wikis bro, that can’t be real. That’s some Wookipedia fuck’s lucid wet dream.

Paul: Do you only like this show for the abominable one-liners?

Me: Noooo it's so good!

Paul: Also is this going to become an episode of Star Trek where they have to Prime Directive the humans?

Paul: Like eventually hyumans will appear. IMO.

Me: Why would there be humans on this alien world?

Paul: Because there’s Earth fauna and somebody is fucking around with menhirs.

Me: They were trying to get to Earth but Dinobot said that Megatron brought them to the wrong planet!

Me: Two moons!

Paul: Okay um the entire thing takes place in a 90’s computer

Paul: A simulation of Earth.

Me: The next episode is about the Standing Stones so maybe there will be answers.