The Beast Locker

EPISODE 8: DOUBLE JEOPARDY

Paul: Ep 8. The Manchildren are in sight of another crashed escape pod when the Panopticons come out of fucking nowhere and attack! SAT MORN CARTOON STRIKES AGAIN.

Paul: The Predators beat the Aliens, and take the crashed pod back to their base where it becomes a sexy spider woman.

Paul: I have never ever been able to feel the remotest sexual feeling towards something that in any way resembles a spider, even when it has 3d12x2 tittes slapped on it like the Dryders.

Paul: Be still my spinnerets!

Paul: Haha, Megatron is like Bro u perv.

Paul: So I predict that her secret Maximal ancestry will give her a troubling and secret attraction to Optimus Prime.

Paul: I also predict that the black-lipstick purple haired goth girl who sits next to me in Chemistry will fall in love with me, the preppiest most boring boy in school who does whatever his mother says.

Paul: IS THERE A TRAITOR

Paul: My money is on there being no traitor, but some kind of microphone up Dinobot's roboasshole.

Paul: Sending Rattrap to the part of Land Before Time where the dinosaur jump over lava pits is pretty extreme. Is Optical Rhyme really a hard-ass as regards loyalty, or does he have a trick up his sleeve?

Paul: Dude I love Rattrap's little wave when birdbot introduces him.

Paul: It's adorable.

Paul: Are Waspinator and Scorpiman literally retarded?

Paul: They don't conjugate their verbs.

Paul: Cliffhanger commercial break: Rattrap grabs on to a pole over molten lava! He tries to lift himself up using only upper body strength, but he's having trouble. Can he climb up?! After commercials: yeah he climbs up.

Paul: I'm having flashbacks to Goosebumps.

Paul: hahaha Rattrap is guided by....the rats!!

Paul: Naturally, Black Widowtron is head-and-shoulders more hard-ass than all the other Predtronons aside from T-Rex.

Paul: Kicks Cheater in the face.

Paul: Yeah, actually, a thing between those two makes more sense than between her and Gorillatron.

Paul: I'm liking the idea of Megatron being a genius megalomaniac (which he totally is) and therefore only being able to attract these losers to his cause. It makes a lot of sense.

Paul: A good tyrant always allows a fool to lead in a crisis! hahaha lessons 4 kidz!

Paul: One of the Monty Python guys wrote a marvelous children's book in the early 90's called the Saga of Erik the Viking.

Paul: In one chapter, another viking challenges Erik for leadership and Erik does the EXACT same thing as Megatron here.

Paul: God that was a good book.

Paul: And the episode ends with a brief shot of the ugliest CG butterflies I ever hope to see.

Paul: Majestic.

Paul: Yup, O.P. planned it. Cool.

Me: Waspinator is a fan favorite!

Paul: Um why? I can understand terrordactylograph

Paul: but Wasp bro?

Paul: Also last episode, Rattrap once again deftly fucked over that stupid spider!! hahaha

Paul: The spider was all TERRORIZE and started to transform and Rattrap shot him right then, taking him out.

Paul: I fucking LOVE that. I love the good guy who is more underhanded than the bad guys, but for the right cause.

 

EPISODE 9: A BETTER MOUSETRAP

Paul: ep 9

Paul: Waspinator is tired of this!

Paul: Pushing a bomb into a narrow crack.

Paul: Pterror tries to make Lone Female push it into the crack, but she's not into it and bluffs him intO doing it.

Paul: Black white tiger is back!

Paul: Optimus Primal scares Waspy so Waspy flies away, and suddenly variations on Flight of the Bumblebee play.

Paul: Rattrap calls samurai Dino-butt.

Paul: Powerful attack!

Paul: Uh-oh compooper break!

Paul: I like how their super new security system can't hit them.

Paul: IT HAS THE ACCURACY OF A SOTRM TROPER

Paul: O.P. flies into a rock.

Paul: Are the Maximals in beast mode like, real animals? That shit?

Paul: Or are they robot fake animals?

Me: As we know they don't have real blood, just mech-fluid.

Me: They are definitely mechanical inside because Megatron bites Optimus's leg in the pilot episode and there's like blue electricity inside and when their robot modes get damaged they can go to beast mode to automatically enact internal repairs.

Me: But they can also eat and process food and they have a biological component as well as becomes clear in upcoming episodes.

Me: They might be like the Terminator I think?

Me: There's a Nazi regime in Beast Machines that wants to purge the organic imperfection of beast modes to create a techno-utopian master race.

Paul: They're saying slag a lot.

Paul: omg "Apparently you've built a better mousetrap."

Paul: "a better mousetrap" is one of those things that ones hears a lot without knowing what it means. It makes no sense in context here. It's kind of really annoying.

Paul: Rattrap surfs down a sewer to awesome music, meaning we can add Ratatouille to the list of things that have since ripped off this show.

Paul: Their shitty robot writing looks like cyber cuneiform.

Paul: Rattrap does a jazzercise joke! I love it.

Paul: Black White Tiger penetrates the holocave to find...a fleshlight on legs!

Paul: Okay fuck Optimus, Rattrap is easily the most bad-ass person in this show.

Paul: Sure he smelled bad. He was a rat! But he was my best friend.

Paul: Final shot: rattrap smiles at the camera.

Paul:

Paul: So beautiful.

Paul: ep. 10 Gorilla Warfare

 

EPISODE 10: GORILLA WARFARE

Paul: Finally Marco will show up!!

Paul: Dinobot: LOOKING AT FLOWERS MAKES US TAAAARGETS!

Paul: I like his obsession with battle and death.

Paul: Optimus is originally an explorer and wants to do botany during the war. I love that. The scientist-cum-starship captain is my favorite thing.

Paul: It was the best aspect of Janeway's personality, even if it wasn't fleshed out. And they did it wonderfully with Picard's archaeology.

Paul: In ME my headcanon for my redheaded womanshepard was that she has a science background, like in physics. I just love the idea for some reason.

Paul: The plants jizzes on Dinobot

Paul: and then yet again SUDDENLY THE PREDATORS AND SYNTH ROCK.

Paul: Dinobot is trapped under a rock but, unlike a human, doesn't have to cut off his own arm to escape.

Paul: hmmm. Is the Megatron/T-Rex versus Dinobot/Raptor an homage to the last fight scene in Jurassic Park?

Paul: That was just the year before this came out, right?

Paul: True to the episode's title, in this episode Optimus is attacked by a small fly which completely incapacitates him. This is a metaphor for Guevara's overthrow of the Bautista regime.

Paul: Optimus Primal wants to kill everybody, mirroring Jean-Pierre Melville's radicalization under the Nazi regime in France.

Paul: The antivirus is comically outsize.

Paul: This reminds me of those Star Trek episodes where the Vulcan went nuts.

Paul: What if he goes apeslag on us?

Paul: "They made me was I am today, so I say we should get them for it." The Hurt Locker in a nutshell.

Paul: Okay then although it was supposed to kill him he just rips it off.

Paul: JUST A LITTLE TRICK I LEARNED FROM A FLOWER.

Paul: Oh okay antivirus.

Paul: So the whole "fight crazy instead of thinking" worked haha.

Me: I will neither live long nor prosper, for I have killed my captain.