Be All You Can Be(ast)

EPISODE 5: CHAIN OF COMMAND

Paul: Okay so yes, you weren't lying, ep. 5 literally starts at the Standing Stones with a gorilla holding a BAD-ASS tricorder.

Paul: THEN SUDDENLY GUNFIGHT.

Paul: I admit I like the consistent characterization in this cartoon but Jesus the Saturday morning-ness.

Paul: The robots FIGHT NOW oooooh.

Paul: Every fucking time haha.

Paul: Well, I guess that's its genre.

Paul: Oh shit a golden burrito from space showed up!

Paul: aaaaawww yeah I'm stoked!

Paul: haha yeah the Maximals use their ancient tradition...SECRET BALLOT.

Me: What a wonderful concept, this democracy, but with one fatal flaw: no way to break a tie!

Paul: I mean like

Paul: democracy is hard if none of your animal robots know parliamentary procedure.

Paul: I liked this ep!

Paul: I mean they've all been pretty fun so far.

Paul: Nice seed for future story. Rhinox (the ox-form robot from the Rhine valley) said that the aliens know the robot dudes are intelligent and have destructive capabilities.

Paul: Soooo, maybe they're nice Day the Earth Stood Still aliens??

Paul: I'm excited.

 

EPISODE 6: POWER SURGE

Paul: Okay next ep.

Me: Oh good Terrorsaur episode.

Me: Who are the best to worst Beast Warriors so far?

Paul: Dinobot I thought would be gangster but he's a bit one-note.

Paul: Rhinox is the best. Satrap is an Iranian king, and also a great character. #2. Then Optimus.

Paul: After that....Megatron!

Paul: And then I guess Dinobot. I wanted so much more. I expect he has an arc yet.

Me: You forgot Waspinator!

Paul: And all the guys

Paul: Ep 7: dude, finally trees!

Paul: Also wtf does he even have to eat?

Paul: The Predacons are retarded bumblers. Clearly they shouldn't be fucking with these ancient alien ruins lol.

Paul: Why fuck with the unobtanium here? For real? In this flying island???

Me: I think him eating flocks of birds was a character trait from the back of his action figure box.

Paul: Uh-oh.

Paul: Yeah he just got fucked by the energon.

Me: I can't believe James Cameron ripped off Beast Wars.

Paul: Everybody does!! hahaha

Paul: Oh wait he became super powerful instead?

Paul: K.

Paul: That'll have cool character consequences.

Paul: Dude Beast Wars is apparently the origin of literally every 21st century science fiction story.

Paul: Wow t-rexbro got totally destroyed, this is basically a child blowing up his toys.

Paul: Cheetar: "Super bad!"

Me: Yeah still waiting for the eva episode where Shenji gets his arms legs and head blown off

Me: This is serious TV.

Paul: Just wait.

Paul: "Terrosaur scrapped Megatron like he was a.....maintenance bot!"

Paul: This show is anti-janitor.

Paul: The spiderbot climbs up one rope like a boss.

Paul: A spider boss.

Paul: Opt gets the same warning signal that the Perdtards got. Without even thinking, he returns to beast mode. That's leadership.

Paul: If only General had used his beast mode.

Paul: I hate a wise butt.

Me: Sometimes crazy works.

Paul: I thought it was "wise guy"?

Me: That's Goodfellas.

Paul: It pleases me immensely how great Ratrap is at fucking over the spider guy.

Paul: He wins handily every time but being a dirtier fighter. I love it.

Me: He doesn't fight with the honor of a true samurai.

Paul: Without a character like Ratrap, the "dirty" bad guy is so annoying. Like Optimus versus spiderbot would piss me off so much. I'd want to kill Optimus.

Paul: Quit being so honorable, fuckface.

Me: Did Terrorsaur become the god-emperor of Dune yet?

Paul: The one that turned into a worm?

Paul: Yes he is a worm.

Paul: So yes.

 

EPISODE 7: FALLEN COMRADES

Paul: It's the next episode and he's reading the scanner to Megatron like there was never a problem.

Paul: This suggests that the Predacons actually have deep emotional resilience and forgiveness and function as a better team than the Maximals. Like, we'd have a whole episode of emotional fallout if Ratrap had shot up Optimus.

Paul: The wrong side keeps winning! How are children supposed to learn about life from this show?!

Paul: OH.

Me: Idk if it's been stated yet but Megatron is a renegade Predacon so it stands to reason that the only people he could convince to go along on his damn fool idealistic crusade are lunatics and morons.

Paul: Also I can see map of the planet and it's clearly not Earth, but just as clearly made by copy-pasting Asia around, mirror-imaging Africa and stretching out South America. So either this is literally lazy world-building or it's BIZARRO EARTH.

Paul: icic

Me: THEY SPENT ALL THEIR ANIMATION BUDGET ON THE ROBOTS THEY DIDNT HAVE THE MONEY FOR GLOBE ASSETS OK

Paul: Only lunatics and morons were attracted to Megatron's cause. Nice so Dinobot is literally a LARPing samurai primitivist unabomber who wants to return to feudalism?

Paul: Like, a would-be knight?

Paul: A Quixote!

Paul: Deep.

Paul: Dinobot the moment Optimus is shot at all: Fear not I'll throw you a viking funeral.

Me: Hahaha

Paul: I mean he is pretty bad-ass.

Me: Optimus isn't ready for the scrap heap yet!

Paul: Dinobot is now taking orders from a giant glowing hologram of a gorilla's head...this is definitely a step down from Power Rangers.

Me: Optimus is such a badass he's leading his troops even while convalescing in a regeneration tank.

Paul: He's so fucking mellow like this.

Paul: The moon??

Paul: Um okay boss, a Siberian snow tiger.

Paul: Not sure if real animal but w/e.

Me: A white tiger ate Siegfried and/or Roy.

Paul: That was a hoax.

Paul: Like the moon landing.

Paul: Also I love how smart eloquent Megatron is.

Paul: He's the most well-spoken man with a dinosaur for a hand that I know!

Paul: They've said slag like 4 times this episode.

Paul: Never said it before I swear.

Me: Rhinox said Dinobot had "bearings of chrome steel" though.

Paul: Haha he wins by threatening to torture cats

Paul: I remember that.

Paul: That was a great moment for a ten-year-old's vocabulary.

Paul: This is the strangest army recruitment video I've ever seen.

Paul: Tigertron seems like he's a black guy to me?

Paul: Does that make sense?

Me: His voice actor's name is Blu Mankuma!

Paul: ?

Paul: What he wants to live in the woods?

Paul: Is he Ax?

Paul: Dude I knew it!

Me: He's the sixth Ranger they call in times of greatest need or something.

Paul: Yeeesssss black man.

Me: Look forward to the next episode of beast wars which introduces the sex appeal character.

Paul: oh fuuuuuuuuuck

Paul: hahahaha

Paul: I get the ancient American animated tradition of sexualizing something utterly ridiculous (a robot, Babs Bunny, the My Little Ponies) to the point of invoking nausea.

Paul: You get the ancient Japanese animated tradition of having a child not yet old enough to vote be sodomized by something resembling a sea creature.

Paul: Somehow, we both lose.